Leslie

Barbb-- I am relieved to read this post today. Today marks two months since my dad died. The pain has been so intense the past few days that it feel unbearable. My mom and my brother are having a hard time as well. For several weeks after my dad died, I walked around feeling like my body had put me in a protective cocoon. I simply couldn't process the fact that my dad had died. Over the past week, the reality has set in. I miss him so much it is hard to bear. On Saturday night, I started crying to a point that I haven't gone before. I felt like it was possible that I wasn't going to stop--the sadness felt simply overwhelming. I think I scared my husband. My mom and my brother are visiting me this week--and I find that I not only miss my dad, but I miss my dad and my mom together...and I miss the four of us together. I miss the strength that the four of us had together--like we had our own little world. Now we feel so vulnerable. And I miss my mom and dad together--because they were so fun to be around because they loved each other so much. And they loved us so much. So it's almost like having three losses instead of one. It is good to know that other people are experiencing grief this way--although I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I wish you peace and strength in the coming days. Best, Leslie

Oh Karen, I know how you are feeling. If it wasn't for my mom, brother, and husband--I don't know how I would continue. I miss my dad so much and our family dynamics have also changed. And I feel very much in limbo and not ready to move on. I still feel so shocked by everything that happened. Within six months, my dad--having never been sick before--got very sick and then he died. That statement is simply unbelievable to me. I find myself shocked by that statement several times a day. And the part that is so hard--is that this is permanent. And I miss him so. So, I wish you peace and strength and I just want you to know that you are not alone. Best, Leslie

Stacia-- I wish there had been some symptoms--but unfortunately, my dad experienced nothing...no cough, no cold. One morning, he went out for a run (just to give you a sense of his high level of physical fitness--he was running and swimming 4-5 days a week up until the day he was diagnosed...) and felt some tightness in his chest. Thinking it was a heart problem, he went in to the doctor the next day....and suspicious masses were found on his lungs through an x-ray. And a few weeks later, after more tests, it emerged that he had Stage IV lung cancer...quite a shock. The challenge for all of us is to find a test that will help with early diagnosis. No one should have lung cancer! I wish you much strength as you go through this journey. Best, Leslie

Jackie-- My thoughts are with you and your family. Towards the end, my dad also seemed less agitated when he had fewer visitors (which was unusual for him since he really loved being around people...) If it's at all possible, I would try to find a way to start staying at the hospital. The fact that I was with my dad when he passed has been an enormous comfort to me over these past weeks. Finally, we found that at the very end we had to tell my dad that it was okay for him to go and to leave us. That we would be okay and that we loved him very much. You may find that you need to give your dad "permission" to leave. I wish you much strength during this difficult time. My best, Leslie

Jackie-- I am so sorry that things are where they are right now. Having just gone through it myself, I know how hard this weekend must have been for you. We also did not want my dad to go to the hospital. But once we finally decided that he needed to go, it was a relief. We could not provide the care that he needed--and I think he was relieved too as he knew we needed help. Towards the end, I found it best to just sit with my dad and hold his hand. Conversation was just too exhausting for him. It was very peaceful to be with him and I'd like to believe that it was reassuring for him to have one of us there with him all the time. Even if we were not talking a lot. I am sending you strength. My thoughts are with you and your family. Leslie

I'm Leslie. I'm 32. I lost my dad 4 1/2 weeks ago (the day after my birthday). I grew up in Los Angeles--but moved to Washington DC 1 1/2 years ago with my husband. We have been married for 1 1/2 years (we found out we were moving the day after we got home from our wedding.) I currently work as an Associate Director for a PR firm that does crisis communications. The same week I started this job, my dad was diagnosed with LC. I am Adrian's sister (who also posts on this board.)And I lucky to have my mom, Judy--who is 64. My parents were blissfully married for 45 years. We miss my dad so much. And we are so grateful to have this community.

Oh Pippa, My heart goes out to you and your family. Your husband's passing sounds like it was very peaceful--I hope that brings you some peace and strength in the coming days. My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Leslie-- I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 3 1/2 weeks ago. Like you, I was with him went he passed. That has given me a lot of comfort in the past weeks. I hope it brings you peace in the coming days as well. My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Sloan-- My thoughts are with you and your family. I am so glad that she went peacefully. Your mind will protect you right now--I find that I am not able to truly feel or process the loss of my dad. I am just letting that "protection" happen right now. I am sending you strength to get through the next days. Best, Leslie

Oh Sloanie, I just lost my dad 3 1/2 weeks ago. I know how painful this moment is. You are doing the right thing. You don't want your mom to suffer. When we let my dad go, we spent a lot of time telling him how much we loved him and that we would be okay. I really think it helped him go--and helped us find peace in the moment. I am new to this as well (and also on the younger side--I'm 32...) So PM me if you feel like talking. Best, Leslie

I am so new to this too as I just lost my dad 3 1/2 weeks ago. I don't have any advice to give--but I know how hard these "milestone moments" are. I can only say that Thanksgiving was easier than I expected because we didn't try to do everything "the same." We invented a few new traditions...we also included a few people who hadn't come to one of our dinners before (my cousin brought her new boyfriend...). Somehow, having new people at the table along with a few new traditions helped make the day easier. That said, still working my way through the shock and numbness that I feel. Things are still so raw--so I also felt like my body was protecting me from feeling too much. Probably also made the day easier than I expected. My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Sloanie-- I had the same exact feelings about having people come to visit my dad...I was scared that he would think that we thought he was dying. Looking back, I realize that those visits were really important both for him and for our close friends and family. Also know that the pain meds. can cause constipation--and that may be why your mom's stomach hurts. As for your meeting with the doctor tomorrow, you may want to write down some questions for him/her. I found that these types of meetings were so overwhelming--it was hard to remember everything that I wanted to ask... My thoughts are with you and your family. Best, Leslie

Hi Terri-- I hear you. My birthday (Nov. 1)was a tough one this year too--as my dad died was declining quickly that day and died the day after. We made it through Thanksgiving--we even managed to go around the table and say what we were thankful for. That was something I didn't think I would be able to do--since this year has just been so awful. It actually seemed like a good exercise...to think about the good things that happened even in the midst of incredible sadness. We actually laughed a lot. We talked a lot about my dad. We had a new person at our table (my cousin's new boyfriend) and we managed to make him feel welcome while still talking a lot about my dad and everything that has happened the past few weeks. As my mom and I kept saying again and again, at least we don't have to go through a first Thanksgiving without dad again. My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Shirley-- I really relate to your post. I lost my dad on November 2nd. I miss him so much. While we were able to create some new traditions for Thanksgiving, it was still hard. Although my dad had lung cancer for six months, I still feel shocked by his death. Whenever I say it in my head--that my dad is gone--it feels like I've been punched in the stomach. It takes my breath away. I find myself feeling like my world feels so insecure and I feel so vulnerable right now. I try hard not to get into the "Why us?" mindset...but it feel so unfair. Anyways, just wanted to say that I hear you. I wish you strength. Best, Leslie

Hi all-- I feel like I'm posting a lot right now so I apologize in advance. I've been telling myself for the past two weeks that Thanksgiving wouldn't be that hard to get through--because my dad didn't even like it. He used to get very stressed about whether we had the right amount of food, how we were preparing it etc. etc. It could be very stressful to see him becoming so stressed. But the closer I am getting to the holiday the more anxious I am becoming about how much I will miss him, his wonderful soothing presence (even in the midst of his stress), and how much he could make us laugh. It sort of feels like nothing has much meaning without him. And I just don't know how we're going to get through it. Any ideas for how to make this easier? My thoughts are with all of you. I know this is hard for everyone...Just wondering if anyone has ideas to make it even a tiny bit less hard. Best, Leslie

Barbb-- My thoughts are with you and your family. Best, Leslie

Chesney-- I feel for you and I think I know what you are going through (Although I'm a little older than you, I still think 32 is too young to lose my dad.) There were a few things that were somewhat helpful to me: 1) This board 2) UCLA (where my dad was treated) had two social workers who specialized in dealing with oncology patients and their families. I found this extremely helpful. 3) Exercise/Eating Healthfully--I swam and ran 4-5 times a week and those workouts were incredible 4) Yoga/Meditation--Although I'm not a huge practioner, I found a book ("Full Catastrophe Living") on meditation to be very helpful. Learning to focus on my breath and to stay in the moment was critical. My thoughts are with you and I am sending you strength. Best, Leslie

As someone who can pretty superstitous about jewelry--I believe that when we lose jewelry it means that we don't need it anymore. It means that it is time for something new in your life....and it is time to let go of the old piece. Like a snake shedding skin. I know the holidays can be hard. And I wish you much peace and strength. Best, Leslie

Thanks everyone for your helpful thoughts. I think part of the difficulty has been that I've been surrounded by this coccoon of love and nurturing over the past few weeks. While this period has been so hard, it has been made somewhat easier by the fact that I've been surrounded by people who know and love my dad...now I am walking back into a professional environment, where the focus cannot be/should not be my dad. In these past few weeks, I've found this incredible openness--to my own experience and to the experiences of others. I want this feeling of openness to stay with me--and I'm afraid that work--and some of the weirdness of this particular office--will force me to lose that openness. At the same time, I'm reminded of the fact that this office has treated me with incredible compassion--as they have been very flexible and understanding through this period. So, my resolutions at this moment are: to stay in the moment, to trust that I can handle whatever comes, and to know that it's okay not to engage at this time--to "work with blinders on" (as Ned so aptly put it...). Wish me luck. Leslie

The LA Times ran an obituary for my dad today. Here it is: Melvin Pollner, 67; UCLA sociologist He studied the shared assumptions held by communities about what is true and false, and how they are challenged in places such as court, where versions of reality can differ. By Mary Rourke, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer November 17, 2007 Sociologist Melvin Pollner, who explored the assumptions communities share about what is true and false, in part by observing activities in courts of law, psychiatric units and other places where at least two sides of a story are put forth, has died. He was 67. A longtime faculty member at UCLA, Pollner died Nov. 2 of lung cancer at UCLA Medical Center, according to the university. "Mel Pollner trained a generation of sociologists to think anew about how we build our sense of reality and community," colleague John Heritage said in an interview this week. Pollner's core idea and the practical evidence he used to support it are "immensely original and they represent an enduring contribution to sociology," Heritage wrote in a eulogy posted on a memorial website, www.melpollner.com. Pollner's main theory, Heritage explained, is that "all of us live inside a kind of bubble, like the Earth's atmosphere, only made up of beliefs, knowledge and assumptions" that help define what is real and unreal, good and bad. The "bubble" theory applies to the world community as well as to individual societies, religions and other groups. Pollner pointed out that shared assumptions are challenged all the time. "The bubble ruptures," Heritage said. To find out what happens next when that bubble bursts, Pollner spent weeks at a time in psychiatric clinics and in court, where versions of reality can differ. For example, Heritage said, "in psychiatric units we see families in denial about mental illness. In courts of law we hear incompatible versions of the same event." Reaching a resolution involves negotiation. Otherwise, "a split in versions of reality will lead to a split in ideologies," Heritage said, mentioning religious sects as one example. Pollner wrote about his theory in his book, "Mundane Reason: Reality in Everyday and Sociological Discourse," published in 1987. He later applied it to various "bubbles," including those of the financial market. "Pollner had one core idea, and he worked it," Heritage said. "It was a brilliant idea that had a huge impact. Other social theorists have followed up on it." Born Oct. 13, 1940, in New York City, Pollner attended the Bronx High School of Science and earned a bachelor's degree from the City College of New York. He went on to earn a master's degree from UC Berkeley and a doctorate from UC Santa Barbara. He joined the UCLA faculty in 1968. He is survived by his wife of 45 years, Judy; a son, Adrian Pollner of Los Angeles; a daughter, Leslie Pollner Levey of Washington, D.C.; a sister, Harriet Morelli of the Bronx; and a niece and two nephews. Contributions in his name can be made to the Lungevity Foundation, 2421 N. Ashland Ave., Chicago, Ill., 60614, or online at http://events.lungevity.org/goto/melvinpollner

Hi all-- I need some advice. I head back to work on Monday and the very thought of it is making me panic. I wasn't really happy at this job before my dad passed away....but the job was very flexible and I was able to go home a lot to see my dad. I also obviously wasn't in a place to make any major changes in my life while my dad battled cancer. I haven't been to work in almost a month. And now, the very prospect of going back makes me feel so anxious that I feel like I am having a borderline panic attack. Any thoughts on good coping strategies? Thanks as always for your help. Best, Leslie

Shirley-- My thoughts are with you. Best, Leslie

Hi Teresa-- I am so sorry to hear the news about your dad. It is truly a roller coaster ride and everyone handles the news differently. It's okay. Go easy on yourself (and your mom) in the coming days. You may find that your emotions swing wildy....one momentyou are in the fight and the next you are falling apart. It's okay and it's all normal. Sounds like you have found a great onc. and you are on your way to finding the right treatment plan. Sending you strength, Leslie

Oh Debi, Words cannot express my deep sorrow for your loss. You and Tony were incredible warriors to the end. My thoughts are with you and your family. You continue to be an inspiration. Thinking of you, Leslie

Bobbi-- This weekend I started crying sometime around 7 pm on Friday night and pretty much never stopped until sometime on Sunday afternoon. I went to sleep crying and I woke up crying. I actually felt scared that I wasn't ever going to be able to stop. I think the best thing you can do right now is to let it out. If that means going for a walk every hour, so that you can have a cry...that's what you do. Yes, this is about your sister...but this is also about you and your life! On Sunday, I finally sat down a read a chapter of a book that I recently purchased about meditation (called "Full Catastrophe Living" by John Kabat Zinn)...I found it incredibly soothing. I sat down for about 30 minutes and (while I've never been really into meditation) focused on my breathing. Nothing else. Let go of thoughts. Let go of judgement. Let go of fear. Let's just take this one moment at a time. It's the only thing we've got right now. You are a warrior. You are strong. And you ARE NOT being whiny. This is a really hard, really scary, and really sad experience. Bobbi, I hope that today is easier than yesterday. Feel free to PM me when you need to....I'm in a very similar place right now. Best, Leslie