lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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prayers your way
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You really do need to ask for help. Don't assume that anyone knows what is on your mind even if they do know what a rough time you are having. If you don't ask you give them the oportunity to just ignore the situation.
As for venting you have to remember that while dealing with cancer even small things can become a big hardship and what you are expected to do is not a small thing. Vent away that is what we are here for.
Ask for help and tell your mom that you know how much she needs help but you are just drained and don't have any more to give at this time. Hopefully she will either let you off the hook herself or your sister will wake up and do the right thing. If not tell her that she will have to ask your sister when she needs something else because your plate is just too full.
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Sending many prayers your way.
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Very wonderfull and heartwarming. Your mom is very lucky to have you. My prayers are with you for a chance to have this one last Christmas with her. Make many memories every minute that you can.
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I am so happy for you especially seeing how much better it makes you feel. Sometimes we recieve the greatest gifts in the most unexpected ways.
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I started to write this to all of those who have recently lost their husband or soul mate. I decided that what I have to say may be of help to someone who has lost a parent recently and is having a hard time understanding some of the other parents behavior.
I know there are many more of you than I have mentioned but my memory doesn't work as good as it used to. I know too that there are still others who are facing the first Christmas without their loved one. I know that no one can ever understand completely what you are going through but there are many things that we all have in common. I just want you to know that there are those of us who do understand many of your heartaches and fears. I'm sure that Ann, Shirley, Norme and several others would agree with me.
I am not making lightly of the loss those of you have had of a parent or a sibling. I have been there and I know how shattering that can be. I can only say that losing your soul mate is not only different but much harder to live with.
I want to share some of the feelings that I wrote about in my journal not long after Johnny died. I sincerly hope that what I say can somehow help someone else. If not to start to heal but to know that you are not alone. Or maybe help you to understand what someone close to you is going through.
His death robbed me of many things. I lost the man I loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I lost my hopes,dreams and purpose. For two months my every thought and every action was caring for him to the best of my abilities. His care took all of my thought and energy as well as the love I have for him. Then suddenly he was gone and I was adrift in a world without him. He no longer needed me but I needed him and he was not there.
I had my car in the parking lot at the hospital but I was in no condition to drive even had I known the way. That thick fog was still there and it was so cold and felt like it kept me isolated from the rest of the world. But maybe it was just me not the fog. It was as if I were in a long tunnel and all of my life was behind me and someone had put up a blockade to keep me from going back to it and when I looked ahead I could see nothing but a void. I couldn't feel the ground beneath my feet. I can't say that I was numb because the pain was so bad. I felt like there was some wild animal inside of me eating it's way from the inside out.
It seemed that every inch of the way from his son's house to our home held a memory. We had made that trip so many times together. As I rounded the corner I saw the table and chairs on the patio and the nights sitting there while he talked on the phone were so real that I could almost see him there. When I walked in the door the first thing I saw were the roses he had me buy the night I went to Wall Mart they were still there and the petals were falling. They were as dead and and black as my life.
His recliner was by the door. I had put it there when our love seat was delivered and hadn't had a chance to get anyone to take it away. Then there was the oxygen concentrator by the love seat and his nebulizer on the table. Everywhere I looked I could see him but he wasn't there. He was everywhere but he just wasn't there. I couldn't go into the bedroom yet or take his things out of the car. I went to the kitchen and put some coffee on. While waiting for it to make I walked to the door that looked out onto the patio. When I turned back around I saw the calender that we wrote things on. There were little notes and reminders in my hand and his. When I saw the date I took a pen and wrote next to it "the day my heart died".
Those words are from my journal and the story I wrote about me and Johnny. What made it all even harder was that there was no one to talk to about him. I know that people are really not insensetive but I felt like they were. The truth is that most people just don't know how to handle someone elses pain, especially emotional pain. So they don't talk to you about your loved one and they try to change the subject when you mention him. That just makes it that much harder.
You can't look to the future because it is so frightening to face the years ahead alone. You can't live in the here and now because you are so lost and full of pain. The only place to look is back. You hold on to those memories as a life line, both the good memories and the bad because you feel that is all you have left. That is all that really matters to you at that time.
I advise you to keep a journal. It took me a month before I started keeping a daily journal and as hard as it was it was the best thing I could have done for myself at the time. In a journal you can pour your heart out. You can curse and you can cry. You can let all of your anger, fear and frustrations out and no one will try to shut you up. You can talk to your loved one through a journal and you can talk to God. No matter how many friends or other family members you have there are somethings that you can share with no one but the one you have lost. That makes you feel even more alone. That is where a journal helps. Put it all down and later go back and read it. You will find that as bad as you still feel things have gotten at least a little better.
Another thing that helped me was Johnny's uncle. He is only one year older than Johnny. They grew up more as best friends than uncle and nephew. He tells me things about Johnny that he was too modest to tell me. He brings Johnny's youth to me and sense he had not seen Johnny for many years I can give him Johnny in his later years and some of what I know about the ones in between. The things you can share with someones childhood friend are very special and they are a gift that you can treasure. If you can do that please try. It is so good for both of you.
I know that there are many things that I write here that I should keep for my journal instead. The truth is I haven't kept it up in over a year. I just don't have time for both and I need this message board. I can come here and I know there is someone who understands at least part of what I say and I know that you care. I can talk about Johnny here. This is a place where we laugh, cry and pray together but it is more. Somehow comming here gives us one more connection to the one we have lost. A part of them will always live here because we have shared so much.
So as Christmas approaches if you find yourself in a bad place reach out to one of us who have been there a little longer. We may not know what to say and we may not be able to lessen your pain but we will "listen" and we will share. In the long run I think that is the best medicine any of us will ever find.
God Bless you all. Lillian
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> > > > Remember My Birthday????!!!!!!
> > > >
> > > > As you well know, we are getting closer to my
> > > > birthday. Every year there is a celebration in my
> > > > honor and I think that this year the celebration
> > > > will be repeated. During this time there are many
> > > > people shopping for gifts, there are many radio
> > > > announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of
> > > > the world everyone is talking that my birthday is
> > > > getting closer and closer.
> > > >
> > > > It is really very nice to know, that at least once
> > > > a year, some people
> > > > think of me. As you know, the celebration of my
> > > > birthday began many
> > > > years ago. At first peple seemed to understand and
> > > > be thankful of all
> > > > that I did for them, but in these times, no one
> > > > seems to know the reason for the celebration. Family
> > > > and friends get together and have a lot of fun, but
> > > > they don't know the meaning of the celebration.
> > > >
> > > > I remember that last year there was a great feast
> > > > in my honor. The
> > > > dinner table was full of delicious foods,
> > > > pastries, fruits, assorted
> > > > nuts and chocolates. The decorations were
> > > > exquisite and there were
> > > > many, many beautifully wrapped gifts. But, do you
> > > > want to know
> > > > something? I wasn't invited. I was the guest of
> > > > honor and they didn't
> > > > remember to send me an invitation.
> > > >
> > > > The party was for me, but when that great day
> > > > came, I was left outside, they closed the door in my
> > > > face......... and I wanted to be with them and share
> > > > their table. In truth, that didn't surprise me
> > > > because in the last few years all close their doors
> > > > to me.
> > > >
> > > > Since I was not invited, I decide to enter the
> > > > party without making any
> > > > noise. I went in and stood in a corner. They were
> > > > all drinking; there
> > > > were some who were drunk and telling jokes and
> > > > laughing at everything.
> > > > They were having a great time. To top it all, this
> > > > big fat man all
> > > > dressed in red wearing a long white beard entered
> > > > the room yelling
> > > > Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk. He sat on the sofa and
> > > > all the children ran to him, saying : "Santa Claus,
> > > > Santa Claus"... as if the party were in his honor !
> > > >
> > > > At 12 midnight all the people began to hug each
> > > > other ; I extended my
> > > > arms waiting for someone to hug me and ... do you
> > > > know .... no one
> > > > hugged me. Suddenly they all began to share gifts.
> > > > They opened them one by one with great expectation.
> > > > When all had been opened, I looked to see if, maybe,
> > > > there was one for me.
> > > >
> > > > What would you feel if on your birthday everybody
> > > > shared gifts and you did not get one ? I then
> > > > understood that I was unwanted at that pary and
> > > > quietly left. Every year it gets worse. People only
> > > > remember to eat and drink, the gifts, the parties
> > > > and nobody remembers me. I would like this Christmas
> > > > that you allow me to enter into your life. I would
> > > > like that you recognize the fact that almost two
> > > > thousand years ago I came to this world to give my
> > > > life for you, on the cross, to save you. Today, I
> > > > only want that you believe this with all you heart.
> > > >
> > > > I want to share something with you. As many didn't
> > > > invite me to their
> > > > party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose
> > > > party that no one has ever imagined, a spectacular
> > > > party. I'm still making the final
> > > > arrangements. Today I am sending out many
> > > > invitations and there is an invitation for you. I
> > > > want to know if you wish to attend and I will make
> > > > a reservation for you and write your name with
> > > > golden letters in my
> > > > great guest book. Only those on the guest list
> > > > will be invited to the
> > > > party. Those who don't answer the invitation, will
> > > > be left outside.
> > > >
> > > > Do you know how you can answer this invitation? it
> > > > is by extending it to others whom you care for...
> > > >
> > > > I'll be waiting for all of you to attend my party
> > > > this year...
> > > >
> > > > See you soon .... I love you !
> > > >
> > > > -Jesus-
> > > >
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Three years
in GRIEF
Thank you both. Your words mean a lot to me. After the time of his death passed this morning things did get better. I think it has something to do with hindsight and my memory that is almost too good.
The last days leading up to the hour of his death are just branded in my mind and heart. I remember every minute and every detail. As those days approach it just seems like somehow I should be able to go back. If only I had known what I know now. I saw so many things that should have made me react but even seeing I just didn't realize until it was too late. At any point in time those last days if I had only not been so damn trusting I could have changed things. That is what makes those days so hard. Each minute there was something, a chance for action and I just didn't see in time.
Anyway today was better. When I got to Clair's this morning I kept looking for the Robin to come back. I guess it was sent on the hardest day the day I needed it most. It is just amazing that it was there for so long and out in that terrible weather. It not being there today makes the significance of it being there yesterday even stronger. Again thanks to both of you. Ann just hold on, if I can make it I know that you can. You are so much stronger than I am.
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A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet.
She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!
"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.
"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick... and I want to buy a miracle."
" I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
" His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"
"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.
"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."
" How much do you have?" asked the man fromChicago.
"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.
"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."
"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "
He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
That surgery," her Mom whispered. "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?"
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents .... plus the faith of a little child..
In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need..
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law..
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Wow did I see Lobster, Crab legs and Alaska? Maybe that could turn into a LCSC cruise. Now that would be something to look forward to
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Hi Cyndy
I see like mine and Ann's your aniversary day is comming up soon. I know that will be very hard for you. Mine is today and it just doesn't seem to get easier. Just take a deep breath and hold on as that day approaches you will get through it. In fact as soon as the hour of Johnny's death passed I started getting better.
Your husband sounds a lot like my Johnny. He was always telling me that I need to slow down and enjoy the simple things of life. He molded me and is so much a part of who I am. I think you can understand that.
If things get too rough in the next few weeks feel free to pm me. I don't know if I can really help but I sure can cry with you. Best of luck. Lillian
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It wasn't a dream. It was a visit. How wonderful for you
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A few years ago I would have said remove the wrinkles and make me slimmer. Now I have decided that I have earned every wrinkle and grey hair. God seems to be satisfied with me and Johnny loved me the way I am. So now I am comfortable with the way I look. I'm even comfortable with my weight. If someone doesn't like it they can look the other way
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To be financially stable with enough left over to help others who have less.
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Three years
in GRIEF
Three years ago at this time I was still setting with Johnny holding his hand and talking to him. It had been two hours sense I had watched as he took his last breath. I know that I was in shock. He was gone so quickly and I never expected to lose him like that. He had been doing so much better just a few days before. I think a part of me kept waiting for him to wake up and talk to me.
I kept telling him over and over how much I loved him and that I didn't know how I could live without him. His sons all came one by one and left me alone with him. Still I stayed holding his hand and talking to him. I knew they were waiting for me. I didn't know the way home and it was so foggy. That cold white wall of fog. I can still feel it's chill. I knew that I had to go but how could I leave him there alone? He never wanted me to leave him. How could I leave him knowing it would be the last time?
Somehow I got myself up to go. I kissed him one last time and I kissed his hand. The same hand that only hours before had pulled my hand to his lips and kissed it. It took everything I had to leave him. I looked back one last time then I walked out the door and left him there alone.It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It was 8am Monday December 2,2002.
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So true
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Hi Karen I am just wondering how you are doing. Please let us know how things are with your mom and how your surgery goes.
I notice at the bottom of you signature you quote that God can not answer prayers that he doesn't hear. I have to say that He hears all of our prayers even the ones we don't put into words. Sometimes the answer is not what we want or expect but it is what is in His plan. We just have to find a way to handle His will. May He keep you and your whole family free of the bad days for a while longer. Love your mom and cherish the memories of Dave. We are all so lucky to have been able to love so deeply.
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Oh Ann I am so sorry that I didn't see this sooner. It just says so much
Just because a person is old doesn't mean that they are no longer a person, someone who needs to be cherished and loved. There are just so many out there. I call them the forgotten ones. Oh maybe people pay attention to them but no one rememembers that they were once a vibrant young person with all of their life and dreams ahead of them. Sooner or later if we are lucky we all get old or sick or scared. Sometimes all three of those things.So many older people have lost the ability to make new memories but they still have the old memories and they need desperately to share them. So I beg everyone if you know someone who is old and seems to have nothing left to offer stop for a minute and just listen to them. You may be surprised at how much you can learn.
When my mom died I wrote a poem that was read at her funeral. Maybe it sums up what so many of us either feel now or will someday. I hope you like it.
The year of life
A hot and burning desert, a mountain in the sun
A valley filled with dew drops, such battles to be won
Life has all the seasons, how quickly do they pass
The spring of youth holds promise, how long does it last?
Summer comes to find us our dreams they seem so near
Seek ye all the pleasures forget that trace of fear
Fall you sneak up cruely before I've had the time
To fill the dreams of spring's sweet youth, how bitter is your wine!
Oh winter must you take me before I've had my say?
The year slipped by so quickly, it seems it should be May
Now the year is ended and I see the setting sun,
Places never seen and things never done
A hand up on my shoulder such soft and gentle power
How greatly life I'd treasure if I had but one more hour
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I recieved a special gift today just when I needed it the most.
The weather was terrible today. I was nervous about driving to work and even more I was fighting to keep those terrible memories from 3 years ago from getting me down. Then on the way to work it was not only raining but foggy. That was just too much! It reminded me of that cold white wall of fog that wouldn't let up the last several days of Johnny's life. This day 3 years ago was the last full day together and it was just heartbreaking. He was is such bad shape and they humilitated him so many times. Those memories tear at my heart.
I got to my client's (my special lady) and fixed her breakfast. The weather was so bad and I was dreading that long trip home again. The wind was blowing at almost gale force and it was really raining. It wasn't like a California rain but like the rains I had gotten used to in Louisiana.
I went to her patio door to look out and that is when I saw it. There was a robin sitting out there. The wind was really buffeting him but he never moved. It was as if he were looking right at me. He stayed there for a good 5 minutes. The whole time I was there looking out he never left. Later I went back again and sure enough he came back
And like the first time he stayed until I had to go do something. That happened 3 times. The last time he flew into a little tree and sat there and another one joined him. The wind was so strong that tree was almost bent in half but they never moved until I did. That lifted my heart. I needed it so badly.For those who don't know before I left Washington after Johnny died I was really torn. I couldn't stay there alone but how could I leave the place we had shared so much happiness in? I had had so many strange things happen and I knew that he was still with me in someway. If I left would I lose him completely?
I asked him for one of three signs to let me know if he approved of my move and to let me know if he would still be with me. Two of those things, a donkey and a rooster crowing, had significance for us. The other I just thought up. I asked for a robin mainly because I had not seen one sense I had left Louisiana and felt if I saw a robin it would really be proof that he heard and was with me.
I got the other two signs along with the smell of coffee many times but never a robin until I moved here a year after his death. Then a short while after moving here I started seeing a robin first thing every morning. When I would walk Misty there would be large numbers of robins and they would follow us. It was almost as if they were escorting us. Then suddenly it stopped. I never saw another one. Then the fire came through and for months there were no birds here.
As the birds returned I would look for just one robin but I never saw one. I would still get what I thought might be my sign. Someone would mention a robin out of the blue or something else associated with them would come up. Not long ago I was playing scrabble and the word that jumped out at me was robin. One day I went to one of my clients house who has a large collection of birds carved from wood. When I got there for some reason she had taken the robin down and placed it on the table. Still I wanted more.
As these final days were approaching I kept asking Johnny for something to get me through these days. I had several things happen but still questioned them. I was begging him to let me see a robin. I told him if he would let me see a real live robin that I would know beyond a doubt that he is with me. Today I got what I asked for. I got my sign from my Johnny. I know that he still sees and hears and knows what is in my heart and he is keeping his promise to never leave me again.
Now if I can just get through tonight and past the time in the morning maybe I will be alright. I just have to trust. I have to believe. I love and I trust God and Jesus and need them in my life but I still need my Johnny. I need him to make me feel whole.
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I may be going out on a limb here but there is one thing more I want to say.
I think that you may be dealing with some anger issues of your own. Your mom was not there for your dad as much as you were or as much as you think she should have been. That hurt him and you saw it and that makes you angry with her. Like Ann said some people just can't take it no matter how much they love someone. The problem is that you love him too and you had to take it or he would have been alone. You had no choice and it tore you apart. It just makes you so angry that he had to suffer in the first place. Add your mom's behavior hurting him and you having to watch him suffer and you have a pain and an anger that runs very deep.
I can say these things because I know. I was the only one there for Johnny. His kids kept their distance and it caused him so much pain. That made me so angry. How could they worry about what it did to them when he needed them so much? What did they think it was doing to me? Didn't they know? Didn't they care?
If those thoughts are going through your mind you have every right to feel them, but you have to know that sometimes that is just the way things are. Some people are strong because they have no choice. Love makes some of us stronger and others weaker at the most crucial of times. Maybe your mom senses your anger and it adds to her guilt and she can only handle it by striking out.
Please try to come to some kind of understanding with your mom for both your sakes. You really need eachother right now.
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I second everything that Ann and Katie said. One of the other ladies here said something one time and it is so true. No matter how much you feel the loss you have others to who you are the most important person in their life. Your mom no longer has that.
The anger is very normal. I can say that because at times the anger still tears at me and it will be three years tomorrow. Later you will see that the anger will come at times and often it will fade and something else will takes it's place for a while. Right now the anger is keeping her going. Once she lets go of the anger she will have to face her loss. She will no longer be able to tell herself that she is having a nightmare that will end soon.
I know it is terribly hard for you right now, especially with the holidays. You just have to remember that as hard as it is for you it has to be 10 times as hard for her. She has a whole life time ahead of her and doesn't know any other way to face it right now. She wants to be alone but at the same time she is lonely. Give her time and try to forgive her behavior. The sooner you can do that the sooner your relationship with her will improve.
Believe me when I say that she may not show it but she loves you and needs you. She is already feeling guilty. We all do. When she called you and all seemed normal she was trying to make up to you for her behavior but when you reminded her of how much it hurt all of you it just added to her feelings of guilt. It probably made her more angry at herself than anyone else.
This road we are on is the hardest that anyone can ever travel. It takes time and patience to get us through. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right way and no wrong way. The grief and the pain and the anger take turns with us. It is never easy but more than anything we need our loved ones to give us time and understanding. Without that we are really alone in a world that has become hostile to us.
You will have my thoughts and my prayers. Your mom will be in my thoughts as I wish you both a place of peace and love. Lillian
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There are so many and each was a very special person. They all still live in my heart.
The first close loss years ago was a lady who babysit me while Mama was working. She was sick so home bound but she taught me so many things.
The next was my youngest brother. He was handsome talented and fun to be around. He died in 1974 at the age of 37.
Next was my oldest brother. He married when I was only 6 but he would always be there for me when I needed him. When I was about 5 and all of the other little girls had Easter dresses and I had none he got his income tax check and bought me a special dress. I will never forget that.
My other brother died in 1985 just 6 and a half months before Mama. He was the most loyal and had the best heart but life really gave him a raw deal. He was in love with Johnny's sister. When she was murdered in December 1974 it nearly killed him. He never stopped loving her.
Johnny's sister was my best friend. She was the sister that I never had. I remember her as shy in someways and kind. She was also very nieve about many things. I hadn't seen her in years before she died but her death still haunts me.
My mother raised 5 kids. She did it vertually alone becaue my dad was an alcoholic. She put up with him for years, never would leave him. She worked at a canery for over 40 years doing seasonal work and in the winter somehow she would feed us all and keep a roof over our heads. She did that on $25 a week. She never bought anything for herself. Everything was for her kids. She taught us good work ethics and she also told us that you could be poor but you could still be clean. She never took a penny of public assistance. She was too proud she knew it was hard but she did it alone. She died in 1985 with lung cancer but I know that it was really a broken heart that killed her. No mother should ever have to bury 4 of her children. I just wish that I had known Mama better. I knew a lot about her but I never asked about her dreams or how it was for her to fall in love. Just so many things that I wish she could tell me now.
Johnny was the one that hit me the hardest. He was my soul mate. The other part of myself. He was so handsome and talented. He had the best heart and he would give his last dime to help a child even if he knew that he would go a week with little or nothing to eat. He loved people and accepted them as they were and people were drawn to him. When I first met him I was so jealous. He could have had any woman yet he loved me. It was very hard for me to realize that at first. He forgave all of the people who hurt him the most. Believe me when I say he had a lot to forgive.
He taught me what real love is. He also taught me that sometimes you may have to look a little harder but there is good in everyone. He loved nature and animals loved him. He could get along with any animal and loved to just sit and watch the sky or river or animals. He gave me a sense of self worth twice in my life. He will always be with me. He is just so much a part of me of who and what I am.
I have had many losses in my life and one thing I have learned is that it doesn't get easier. Each is just as painful as the first. I have also learned that each one who dies takes a part of us with them and they leave much of themselves with us. Love is something that always comes fullcircle.
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I just got home about an hour ago. I have been gone sense Monday morning at 8am. I had the heat off so now I am sitting here with my sweater on and wrapped in an afghan with a cup of coffee trying to warm up. I don't usually mind the cold. It is the heat that gets me but for some reason I am freezing and just cant seem to warm up.
I was so worried when I left here Monday. We have had temepratures in the 70's for weeks but suddenly they were telling us it was going to snow. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to go to work and would lose my best days pay. Then on my way to work I prayed all the way that it would not start snowing and catch me on that road going down to town. I made out fine and it didn't start snowing until after I was there a while but I learned it started here just minutes after I left. I spent the night in town because I had an overnight job for 2 nights so it all worked out fine.
You know I am really trying to get through this difficult time in one piece. I know that once I get past the next two days things will get better. Those first days and weeks after Johnny's death are just a blurr of sleeplessness, pain and searching for information. I don't remember every minute in detail. So I know that I will make it but right now it is not easy.
I think too that my finacial situation will improve too. I almost believe I am having these problems as a deversion. To give my mind and my heart small breaks from what tears me apart emotionally. I'm also trying to find a way to sell my wedding rings. When I divorced I kept them. I wasn't thinking about what they were worth nor do they have any real personal meaning. They were just one thing that was mine. One thing that I could keep. I got shafted so bad with everything else.
I go to work and try not to think about the date. Then I have to do my paperwork or someone will ask me the time and I'm back there 3 years ago. Every minute and every detail are branded on my heart and when I see the time I know exactly what was happening at that time on this day. It was just so tramatic, so heartbreaking and so uncalled for. I know I will get through it but it is just so hard.
While Johnny was sick I had to be strong. I couldn't let him see my fear or my pain. He counted on me. Then after he died there was no one. I was alone in a strange place. His kids were there and I was very close to his daughter in law and his oldest son. They just had a lot to deal with at that time too besides Johnny's death. They were moving and she was due her baby. There was no one to hold me and let me cry out my pain.
Johnny's sister and his niece came to my house but that was for only one day. His sister was having such a hard time that I had to be strong for her.
Then I moved to be near my niece but that didn't help either. She helped me finacially until she ran out of money but I could't talk to her. She had lost her husband a few years earlier and she was more messed up than I was.
I have visited my children twice but I can't talk to them about Johnny. They just don't understand. My daughter knows a lot because she has read part of what I have written about us but she has never really talked to me or allowed me to say too much. I know that she understands and she cares about my pain but she is in the middle. So there has never been anyone to really turn to.
I ache sometimes for someone to just hold me and let me cry my heart out. I feel like it would help but there just isn't anyone. The only one who ever really knew me well enough to understand my pain and what I am going through is Johnny. He would understand and he would hold me. I know he is here with me but I can't hold him and he can't hold me. I know that I am sounding selfish but just once I want to be weak. I don't want to have to be strong all of the time. Just once I would like for someone to take me in thier arms and let me cry and know that the understand and really care.
I read Donna's post and I can so relate. I had those thoughts myself so many times those first few months. I have lost so many that I love and it doesn't get easier it just gets harder. When I lost Johnny it was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. There are just no words to describe the pain and the feelings of being lost.
I just can't help but wonder if that is not the reason I have had so many strange experiences sense Johnny's death. Could it be that he does still understand and holds me the only way that he can now
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As a child it was the big Christmas dinner with the whole family there. Everyone would bring a dish and it was wonderfull. When my kids were little it was the Christmas tree.
We would go from lot to lot looking for the perfect tree. Never quite found it but we would settle on one eventurally. When we got home I would make hot cocoa and pop popcorm. Then I would put the Christams music on. While I put the lights on the tree my children would make popcorn strings (they ate plenty too). Once the lights were on the children and I would decorate the tree together. Then I would spend days making decorations to decorate my house. Nothing fancy but I always felt so proud. Then when we moved back to Louisiana again a lot of that got lost. Our house was on private property and couldn't be seen from the road. Not much point in putting up lights.
After the children got married I would still do my tree and have the grandchildren over to help decorate it. Then on Christmas Eve we would all go to my oldest son's house for a family get together.
My oldest grandson has a great cajun accent. One year in gramar school one of the teachers had him read "A cajun night before Christmas" He was just great and they asked him back for a couple of years after he moved on to high school. He would also read it to the younger grandchildren.
No so much has changed. I don't spend Christmas with them any more and they have grown in different directions but they do still get together for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
Getting to Know You - December 05
in GENERAL
Posted
Well when we got the official diagnosis Johnny's daughter in law was with me. The first person I told that their was a chance was my miece. She was very close to Johnny.