lilyjohn
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I recieved this email today. I think it is a good one to share with all of you here.
~ D E A T H ~
WHAT A WONDERFUL
WAY TO EXPLAIN IT
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was
preparing to leave the examination room and said,
"Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on
the other side."
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know
what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on
the other side came a sound of scratching and
whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show
of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you
notice my dog? He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door
ope ned, he sprang in without fear. I know little of
what is on the other side of death, but I do know
one thing... I know my Master is there and that is
enough."
May today there be peace within you. May you trust
God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us
to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering
how to fly.
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I always find myself looking for your posts. You and Kieth are truly an ispiration to others. Thanks for letting us know how things are going.
Keep loving, living and sharing. Life is so precious and every moment should be filled with love and joy. God bless you both. Lillian
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Thank you so much for posting this. I can't stop the tears. It has been such a hard week and this does give me comfort. God Bless you for sharing it.
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As most of you know I was sick with a cold last week. I missed a whole week of work and that put my finances in even worse condition than they were despite the long hours I have worked. That along with the time of year has had me pretty depressed but there was worse to come.
I decided not to go to church on Sunday. I wanted another day of complete rest before going back to work and to make sure I was no longer contagous. I was worried about exposing the Pastor's wife because she has been on Chemo. She had Uteran cancer that had spread everywhere 5 years ago. She had radiation and chemo and had NED for over 4 years until a few months ago.
She had a mass in her abdoman. She couldn't eat because it was pressing on her colon and causing her to throw up everything. They removed to mass and discovered that wraped in the ball of jell like substance was a tumor attatched to her colon. She has been on chemo sense then. She has lost a lot of weight and is still in some pain. She has lost confidence in her doctors.
I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself when she called. With all of her own worrys she called to make sure that I was alright and to offer me food if I couldn't get to the store to get any. I felt so humble. All I can do for her in return is give her some literature and nutritional information that I got from Cancer Treatment Centers of America. It seems like so little.
Monday I returned to work. I always spend Monday and Monday night with a woman who has severe dementia and needs full time care. I got there Monday and learned that her daughter had dies a few days earlier from colon cancer. All I could do for her was tell her that I was there if she needed to talk about it. She did and I listened. It seemed like so little.
Sense my boss has told us that working the holidays is voluntary I voluntered to work Thanksgiving day if I can work both the day and night with this lady. I want to take her out to have Thanksgiving dinner. She has no family here and staying all night will help me because I won't have to worry about driving after dark. Still it seems like so little.
A few days ago I got up to a cold drizzle. I was just so tired I wanted to just stay home. I know some of the tiredness is from being sick but more is from depression. These last few weeks leading up to the aniversary of Johnny's death are always hard. Add my money worrys and it gets harder. I just felt like why should I go to work. The more I work the farther behind it seems I get. Then I had a reminder. A little voice in my head telling me to think of Mama and Johnny.
Mama worked for over 40 years in a canery. She raised us 5 kids with no help from anyone. She did that while dealing with my dad who was an alcoholic. I know there had to be many days when she wondered why she kept trying but she never gave up.
Then there is Johnny. There were so many times that life treated him so dirty. He had so many reasons to give up on man kind but he never did. I know many times he spent his last dime to help someone in need knowing that it meant living on bread and powdered milk for a week until his next check came. When he was diagnosed with cancer he fought to live. Even when things got really bad with the anxiety he never lost his faith or his will to live. He fought until the last breath.
With two roll models like them how can I think of giving up? I see others who are younger and in some cases healthier than I am. Somehow they got into the system. They get a monthly check and all of their doctor bills and medicine paid for. They don't have to worry about car repairs or where the next dime will come from. I could probably do that but I won't. Is it just stuborn pride that keeps me going?
Last night I got more bad news. This time it really hit me hard. All of the old emotions came back. The anger and fear and frustration. I found out that someone very dear to me is in the final stages of Uteran cancer. The problem is it is just so uncalled for. They did everything right but still she was let go until now. That makes me so angry
For two years she has made trips to the hospital bleeding and scared. Their answer was always to send her home with pain killers! Sense May she has been in and out of the hospital at least 20 times. Her daughter had to raise hell to get them to do a biopsy a few months ago. They didn't even know what her problem was but they were telling her daughter that she shouldn't put her through that. She should just make her comfortable
The biopsy came back inconclusive.She made an andvanced directive. At first she asked that she be asked to make all decisions and her daughter only if she was unable. Later she made a new one saying that she and her daughters would both make any decisions. If she was unable Pam would make those decisions. Well the hospital chose to take the new one out of her file and replace it with the old one. They did that twice. The last time Pam took a new one up and made the nurse on duty sign it and date it. She told them if they lose that one she has 5 more with her at all times and more at home. The reason they changed it was for their own purposes. They wanted to go to her and try to get her to give up. They would ask her if she wasn't tired of hurting. Or if she didn't want to stop all of the tests and just rest.
Last week they decided that her gal bladder had to come out. They opened her up. They knew that she had a mass but they were not sure where it was. It is in her uterus and is pushing against the colon. They did nothing but sew her back up. They didn't even remove her gal bladder. Put her through a high risk surgery and accomplished nothing. When Pam screamed at them that they were killing her mother they called the police on her. The cops who came knew what was going on and just asked if she had her emotions under control. Seems she wasn't supposed to say things like that where others might hear.
They did take a sample of the mass. Yesterday after calling and not getting any information her brother called the patient advocate at another of their hospitals. He was told they had no doctor available to give them the results. He raised enough fuss that they found someone. They were told very bluntly that she is in the final stages of uteran cancer. When she asked for chemo she was told that it would just make her throw up more(same thing the pastor's wife was doing until the removed the mass). They mentioned radiation but the best advice they want to give is to take her home and call hospice.
This lady is Johnny's sister in law. She is my oldest friend. She is the one who helped Johnny and I get in contact with eachother again. I want to do something to help but I just feel so helpless. What can I do for her now?
I have decided that the best thing I can do for her is help Pam. Pam has already started with the coulda woulda shouda thing. She did everything right. She has fought with all of her love and strength for her mom and it still wasn't enough. I don't want to see her go through the agony of selfdoubt that I have so I have given her some advice.
I know in my heart that it is too late for Carol. I know that she is going to die soon. I told Pam to get all of her records for both for her attorney and for a second opinion. I also told her to get the biopsy sample and send it to another lab. I don't have much doubt that the outcome will be the same but I want Pam to know for certain so she won't keep tormenting herself wondering if she could have done more. If only they would have done right by her in the begining this would never have gotten this far. Now it is too late and I feel so helpless. All I can do is try to ease the torment that Pam will go thorough and it just seems like so little.
Please forgive me. I know this is too long but it just seems like there are some days that are just too hard to get through alone.
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Thank you Shirley I really needed that reminder today.
Yes I did see a miracle today. A lady that is so very special to me did something for the first time today. It has always been me talking her into a shower that got her there. When I first went to care for her she had gone weeks without one because she wouldn't let anyone help her. Today when I asked if she wanted to eat first or shower she said "shower". It seems such a little thing but I have waited so long for this day.
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I would want people to say that I made a difference. That even when things looked like they would never get better that my Faith got stronger.(I'm struggling with that part now). Most of all I think I would want them to say that I really cared about other people. That my compasion was not just in words but actions.
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I started to say a dog but thought about all of the cat things and decided a cat would be better. I like the idea of being so independant while still depending on humans to supply the warmth and food.
I would want to make sure I was a female cat tho. I don't think being spayed would be nearly as bad as being nutered
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I am so very sorry for your husbands pain and yours as well. I know that not only he has cancer but you do too only in a different way. It is always that way with someone you love. I hope the proceedure works to ease his pain. I don't know anything about that but just want to welcome you here. You will get a lot of support and prayers and also some good advice.
Bless you and know that you will be in my prayers. Lillian
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I have been thinking a lot lately about not just lung cancer but all cancers. It seems that everyone I meet lately has someone close to them who has cancer or has had a cancer scare. A few years ago the only one I knew who had cancer had been my mom.
There is so much debate about what causes cancer especially lung cancer but still no one knows for sure. I have a theory that seems to make sense and I was wondering if anyone else thought of this.
We live in a society that is always in a hurry. We don't have time to be sick. If we get a headache we want a quick fix. If we are offered something that will prevent an illness we jump at it. That just may be part of the problem.
Everyone knows that if you injure your leg or your arm and don't exercise it you will get to the point where you can't use it. What about our immune systems?
If one of us or a child gets a fever the first thing we want to do is get rid of it. Yet a fever is not an illness. A fever is our body fighting an illness of some kind, usually an infection. If we don't allow our body to use it's own defences how long will it keep working. Wouldn't it follow the same use it or lose it reasoning?
This last two generations have been about a quick fix or preventing illness even simple illnesses. We all know about what has happened to antibiotics because of over use. They become useless and not in just the ones who have used them. It is a culmative thing. Well maybe our imunes systems have been so underused that they are forgetting how to fight disease.
We go on and on doing the everyday things and not wanting to take time for even a simple illness. Then when a major illness comes along we have no choice but to fight it. I just wonder if maybe in our zest to feel well all of the time if we are not setting ourselves up for major illnesses that our bodies no longer know how to fight without artificial means.
Does any of this make sense to anyone? I would like your opinions. I also wonder if this could be an isue what we could do about it. Any ideas?
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I wanted to be an actress. Don't ask me why I really don't know. Later I decided that I wanted to be a wife and mother. I really believed in the hapily ever after even after watching what my mom went through.
I did become a wife and mother but somehow the hapily ever after got lost. In my wildest imagination I would never have dreamed what I am doing now. I always found myself taking care of people from the time I was 15 and my mom got hurt. So I guess I have really not strayed far from the life of being a mom. What could be more caregiving than that?
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God
My family
hope
compassion
good friends
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I think I owe all of you an apology. I reacted to this post without thinking. That makes me guilty of the very thing that I hate the most. I know how important trust is. There can not be hope without some form of trust. So please accept my apology. The last thing in the world I would ever want to do is cause someone to lose that trust and because of that lose hope.
I do know there are many good doctors. I was just unfortunate to meet many of the bad ones. The outcome as you all know was devistating to both me and Johnny.
The truth is that doctors are human. There are good and there are bad ones. I think what got me riled enough to say the things I did was because so many acted shocked that something like that happened. All you have to do is look at some of the other respones here to see it is not as rare as we would want to believe.
I think part of the problem today is that there are so many specialists. That can be good and bad. While a doctor may be very good in his own field he knows nothing about others especially the emotional impact that a careless remark can have. Even if what he told you and your mom were true he was wrong. It is one thing to be honest (that is what most tell themselves they are doing) and quite another to be cruel. What he did to you and your mom was cruel and uncalled for.
There is a very fine line between determination and hopelessness. Sometimes all it takes is one remark to to cross that line. So many of the treatments for cancer are in themselves hard on a person. Just imagine going through all of that and believing that you are really doing well then having someone just as much as tell you it was all for nothing
Tami what happened to you is terrible. I learned both in caring for Johnny and in my work sense then that there are those (not all) but many who have that same attitude. As long as all is going well and they can point to a person as their success story they behave well. Let something come up that they don't know how to handle and things change for the worse. Unfortunately there is a part of our society that would want to just push these people aside and forget about them. They just want to move on to someone who they feel they can help more. I will always believe that is wrong. Everyone deserves an even chance. They can only get that chance when there is hope and determination. Not just on their part but on the part of the ones they have to trust their lives to.
When I first joined this board I did it with the intention of making people aware that things like this do happen. I thought that people would want to know so they could protect themselves. Instead I find that most people protect themselves better by not knowing. A few years ago I would have done the same thing.
So again I will say I am truly sorry if my words upset anyone. That was never my intention. Just be cautious and watch for warning signs. Protect yourselves anyway you need to. Just know that if someone does something so cruel or makes a mistake there are other alternatives.
I feel very humble right now. I have been blessed with so many things. I am able to give to people who need special care and in turn that gives so much back to me. Maybe that is the reason I have been through so much instead of to warn people as I first thought.
May God bless each and everyone of you. This disease is the enemy. It just takes such a heavy toll on us all. Lillian
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I don't know if I should say this but welcome to the real world
This goes on all of the time and not by inexperienced doctors but those who should know better. They get their head in the air and their ego makes them say anything to make them look like they know everything.I met with that attitude everyday with Johnny. The nurse that started the problems with a careless remark, The doctor who wouldn't give him anything for anxiety because we brought the idea to him. The same doctor changing medication that was working because the other doctor had approved it after we went behind his back to get it. Then he lied about the strength of the medications to excuse what he did. When we asked if the cancer was as bad as when first diagnosed he wouldn't answer. When I asked how the exrays looked compared to the others he hadn't compared them. Then he couldn't campare exrays to CTscans. He made every excuse not to answer our questions yet he told Johnny that he was not going to get any better only worse. He did that not knowing how anything compared and knowing about the anxiety. Oh and I can't forget the two doctors that harrased him trying to force him to sigh a DNR. One lied to him and the other refused to treat him and dumped him on another hospital after he almost killed him with a drug he was alergic to and had refused
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I could give you a list of lies that covers a whole page. That is just from the one doctor. But we got that from everyone.
I'm so sorry that you had to learn this this way but there are those in the medical profession that don't belong there. The just have no idea of how to treat other humans. File complaints but be prepared to have his behavior excused. I found out the hard way that medical boards are not there for the patient but to cover the asses of the doctors who screw up
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All of my life I was always there for someone else, never myself. If someone was sick I cared for them. If I was sick I cared for everyone else and never took care of myself. My whole life always seemed to be for someone else. I let people walk all over me. If one of my kids asked me to baby set I did it. It didn't matter if I had made other plans or if I was tired from working all day. I would never say "no". When my husband and I would argue about something I would just cower down and not stand up for myself. One day something happened that changed all of that.
I was on the phone with my daughter in law. She had had a very rough childhood and I had helped her through some pretty rough times. You would think that she would have wanted just the oposite for her chidren but it didn't seem that way. My granddaughter was 10 at the time. Well while we were on the phone Bridget tried to ask her something and she got angry and started yelling at her. She had been talking to me for half an hour yet she was telling Bridget that she couldn't help her with her homework because she had lost her voice
I didn't want to make her or my son mad so I just hung up and didn't say anything. That got me to thinking about my life and the way I handled things. I decided then and there that from then on when I had something to say I would say it. I would never let anyone walk on me again. If I thought I was right I would not back down. It was a real life changing experience.
I thought my new determination would help my marriage, instead my husband couldn't handle the real me an my marriage really started to fall apart. It was a very difficult time in my life but I was to learn there was a reason for it. I know now that absolutely nothing happens without a reason.
As my marriage was unwinding I kept asking myself when had I ever been really happy and not stressed. On October 3rd 2000 I got my answer in a dream. I doubt I would have ever had that dream if I hadn't finally decided that I couldn't live the way I was anymore.
I think I have mentioned that dream before but here it is again. I dreamed that I was looking for something and couldn't find it. I was running away crying then I felt arms around me. Johnny's arms
I hadn't talked to him in over 40 years. I didn't even know where he was. In the dream I never saw his face nor heard his voice. I just knew it was him. Later when we found eachother again and he told me what happened to him that same night I knew that my destiny was guided by God and not myself. That same night Johnny had been overcome by fumes and had gone outside. He thought he was dying and started praying. He asked God to not let him die alone with no one to care. He asked for something to make his life worthwhile. He always swore that my dream and us finding eachother again was the answer to his prayer.I know now that he was right. I also know that our lives are sometimes out of our control. God does answer our prayers. Sometimes we may think he has said "no" instead of "yes" but if we really think about it we will realize that the answer was yes and we didn't recognize it at the time.
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Well Ann I'm not too sure about advice. For years I did the same thing you do. I would get mad but hold it in. The tears of frustration were always there. Sense the one I was dealing with was my husband he did take it for weakness and I let him. Well you know how that turned out when I finally decided to hold my own
We can only be who and what we are. It took me a long time to blow up and when I got over the shock of it I really felt better. I know this job is important to you but at what cost are you willing to pay to keep it? It may cost you your job then again who knows? He may respect you more if you tell him how it is. The problem with people like him is that no one is willing to stand up to him. That is why he can get away with the things he does. I really think that you need to have a talk with him. Tell him that if he can't show you the respect that you deserve he should find someone else who is willing to give up their identity to please him because you are not going to do it any more.
Unfortunately the world is full of spoiled self centered idiots. Some of them really need to be taken down a peg or two. Not only would you be doing yourself a favor but maybe him too. Sounds to me like he is so unsure of himself that he covers it up but being a real *ss
That is one thing I have really been lucky with. Every boss I have had has always been fair and kind. That means a lot. I just had on time that there was a problem and I put the guy in his place big time. I did that at a time when I was really unsure of myself but boy did it feel good and he never bothered me again.
I was working at a fast food resturant on the early morning shift. We were not allowed to clock in early because they didn't want to pay for it. I would go in and work off the clock sometimes for nearly a half hour. I have always been one who would rather be early than late so I allowed plenty of time. Well one day I was taking my break and that assistant manager came by and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was taking my break while it was slow. A truck was there delivering supplies and the truck driver heard what went on. He later spread the word and a lot of people had a good laugh at that guy's expence.
He told me that anyone in his building had better be working or they should stay outside even when it was break time. It just hit me the wrong way. I said "you know I come in here early everyday and work off the clock. From now on I will not do that. If I work I will be paid for my time. I would rather stand outside in a snow storm than give you one more minute of my time free."
Well after that I got my breaks when I was due one and I never clocked in early again when he was there. It worked out very well for me and my self esteem.
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I agree with all of you 100%. Maybe it does have something to do with the obsesson this country has on sex but I think there is also another reason.
People like being able to say that only smokers get lung cancer. They feel safer if they have never smoked by thinking that and ignoring the truth. I believe too that people are really afraid to get too close to lung cancer for any reason. It is as if they are afraid if they do it will get them or someone they love. Crazy yes but people will do anything to "protect" themselves in their mind. Too bad they don't realize that leaves them wide open to lung cancer because they won't be tested early enough if they do get it.
By the way has anyone noticed in the last year an increase in the number of people who have all kinds of cancer? I can't get through a week without learning that someone I know has either been diagnosed with some kind of cancer or has a family memeber who has been. With all the money going to research this should not be happening but it is.
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Coffee I can't wake up without it. It is my morning vitamins.
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I hate to ask with so many people here who have problems greater than mine but I really think I need some prayers comming my way. I am really feeling disillusioned right now. I need prayers for strength to get me through.
I think everything had finally caught up with me. On top of that I am beginning to think that for some reason I am just not meant to get even much less ahead. It is starting to take a toll on my health.
I had a job this last week as you know from my other posts. I had to leave a day early because I caught a bad cold. The money I was earning was supposed to make up for what I had to spend on my car. I really thought that things were going to start going better for me but now I just don't know any more.
I have been under a lot of strain lately. My job in itself is very stressful. I go days that I have no one to talk to other than those I care for with dimentia.I know that I am very good with them but that comes from caring. Sometimes maybe too much. I worry about all of my clients. This last job was very stressfull. I really had no down time at all for 6 straight days. Even at night I was up several times and during the day I never got more than 2 or 3 minutes break at a time. Adding that to everthing else I can see why I got sick.
Today I was to go back to work. I had yesterday off because I wasn't supposed to finish that other job until yesterday. I had to call in sick. I feel bad enough but the main reason is that I just can't take a chance on making any of the people I care for sick. The problem is I have no sick leave where I work. I will be losing a whole weeks pay. The job I did to get ahead will only pay enough to cover what I lose this week and the other work I had to give up to take it. I gave up my nights and my weekend and now I am sick and right back where I was financially.
I'm not asking for your prayers for my finances only for my will to keep trying. I can't give up. That is just not an option. I would have no way to live.
I have worked such long hours and everything else just seems to have piled up on me. My best friend has been in and out of the hospital a dozen times sense May. Her family has been told more than once that she has cancer only to have them change the diagnosis again. We still don't know what her problem really is. The huricanes and the worry about my family kept me on edge for over a month. Then my car caused me all of that worry and money. I keep thinking maybe I'm doing something wrong but I can't for the life of me figure out what it is.
So I ask you to please if you will say a little prayer that I will not lose my faith and my will to keep trying. Maybe that is what is missing. Maybe I need someone else to speak to God with me.
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Oh Peggy I so understand. Like Ann it has been nearly 3 years for me and I still have all of Johnny's things and everything connected to our life together. Don't worry about crying over the bike. That is a major thing you are doing. I can't even throw away a reciept for coffee we shared at an espresso place. Everytime I try I set in the floor with it in my hand and the tears won't stop. Memories are so precious its hard to part with something that has so many attatched to it.
It takes so much away from us when we lose the one we love. There is just no right way to do things. No right time to part with those things that hold special memories. We just have to do it when we can and ask God to give us the strength to bear it.
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Talk about bringing back memories
I was a member of the Ricky Nelson fan club. There really was something about those eyes! Of coarse at the time I was not yet a teenager and didn't know what bedroom eyes meant
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Oh Nancy sometimes it just seems like there is too much pain to bare. I know that you are still reeling from Mike's death then to lose someone else so close. I can really understand what it feels like. I have lost 3 out of 4 brothers all at a young age.
I know what you mean about your mom. When my youngest brother died I watched Mama at his funeral. She didn't want to leave his casket. My own pain was bad but watching what she was going through was the hardest. That was in 1974. She lost 2 more sons one in 1978 and another in 1985. No mother should ever have to bury her child. Mama died just 7 months after my brother died. She had LC but I think she just didn't have the heart to live anymore.
I will surly keep you and your family in my prayers. I know that it is hard to find peace when you are so broken but I will just keep praying that you do. Lillian
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Please accept my heartfelt sympathy. Lillian
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I love music just about any kind (somethings I would not call music)but I was born and bred on country music. It is in my blood. I also love the rock from the 50s and 60s and some from the 70s.
My favorite singer is Alan Jackson. He is so pure country. I also love Alabama, Lonestar and Diamond Rio. My favortie song is I believe because it has so much special meaning for me (It was one of my signs I believe are from Johnny). Another song that I love is an old one by Cowboy Copas Tragic Romance. Then of coarse one that really tells it like it is is one by Vern Gosdin Written in Stone.
I guess my taste has always ran more toward the heart wringers. Maybe that was a preminition of what was to come.
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I have been told that I look and sound like my mama. I know that like her I am a worrier. I also have very storng work ethics that I got from her. From my dad I got my love of reading and my ability to use words to express myself. The thing is I can express myself in writing but when I try to do it in person I just can't seem to express what I mean. That has caused me a lot of problems in my life.
Walking Down That Same Road
in INTRODUCE YOURSELF!
Posted
Welcome Kim
I know you are feeling helpless now but believe me the best thing you can do for your dad is be there when he needs you and love him. Love goes a long way is this fight as I am sure you know.
Don't believe that you can't do this again. It may feel that way now but you can and will do it. YOu have no choice and your dad needs you. You have made the first step toward doing it again just by joining us here.
I pray that his health will improve and that soon he will have no more cancer. Just know that when you talk to God you have a lot more of us here talking with you. Lillian