lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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wonderful story. Please keep us updated and stay on top of all the new information that comes along. You can never have too much. Your friend is very lucky to have you on his side
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She decided if it was an hulucination it was the best thing she had had in a long time. So she drank the beer, ate the donut and said "Elvis baby come to mama"
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Sit back in my recliner with my feet up and watch the humming birds at the feeders and look at my flowers that are the reason that I have very little time when I am home to put my feet up and relax
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Great news Fay. Keep us posted on your progress. I knew you were a real fighter and you are proving it again
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He said "oh heck Baby I thought that was why you are seeing me. Didn't you eat that drugged up donut and beer I left out so conviently for you to find"?
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Sorry I meant to say King Cake. Whoever gets the baby brings the next picnic instead of just the next king cake!
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This reminds me of Mardi Gras. Has to be fried chicken and potatoe salad. Add some pork and beans and my son with his bar b que pit for any extras and we have a good old fashioned Mardi Gras picnic. Oh I almost forgot the kind cake.
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His guitar and played me a love song. It was then that I realized that it was really Elvis after all but he
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I know what you mean Nancy. It is as if someone has pulled the world out from under you and you are drifting with nothing to hold on to. You know that people expect you to go one with your life but the core of your life is gone. How do you go on without it?
The truth is you do go on. Things may not get better but they get bearable. You learn to live a different life than you expected and wanted but you are living. Life is a very precious thing and sometimes a very fragile thing but those of us who have been through what we have learn to value it more than we ever did before.
take care Nancy you are in the early steps of a long road. Take baby steps and rest in between. When it is time for more you will know. Bless you Lillian
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Things I have learned
It is very obvious from the response to my post about words that we have all learned a lot through our experiences. I thought that might be an interesting topic to explore. I will post a few of the things I have learned and I invite everyone to do the same.
I have learned that if I am comfortable with what I am wearing that I look good in no matter what I wear.
I have learned that what others feel about me may be important but how I feel about myself is what really matters.
I have learned that a day can seem to drag on forever but at the end of the year it seems the whole year has taken wings
I have learned that when we put a lable on someone we are really labeling ourselves
I have learned that love, faith and hope can do more toward healing a body and a spirit than most medications
I have learned that the little things that we take for granted and sometimes don't notice will be the ones we cherish most when we lose someone we love
I have learned that the value of a person does not lie in the wealth they have or the number of friends but in the life experiences they have known
I have learned that the gift people treasure the most is not gifts of things but gifts of ourselves
I have learned that sometimes we have to reach our lowest point before we can start to climb up again
I have learned that being loved is a beautiful thing but that loving with everything I have and am is the most precious thing in my life
I have learned that real friends are those who can share your pain as well as your joy and will share theirs with you
I have learned that life does not always play fair but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't
I have learned that real peace comes from within and I can only gian it through knowing and understanding myself and my God
I have learned that real love doesn't hold you in it's grasp but allows you to fly on your own with the knowledge that if you fall that love will be there to catch you
I have learned that I can make a difference
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Everyone handles grief differently. Some like your dad need to rid themselves of all physical reminders. Others like myself can not let go of anything. I tried by it was physically impossible for me. My hands refused to do it as much as my heart did. Your dad is doing what we all do. He is finding a way to survive. He has to do that anyway that he can.
Let's face it. Men have a harder time going on after they lose their mate after so many years. Things that they did together or that the woman did they have always taken for granted. They don't know how to shop and they don't really know how to keep the things that a woman did in the same order. Most men feel that they have to have another woman in their lives. The home is the woman's domain no matter how much a man helps out around the house. A new woman will need to leave her mark. She can't do that with another woman so visable everywhere.
Not only may your dad feel that he can not care for your mom's things good enough but he may feel like having them there is like having her there watching. It could make him very uncomfortable. Having a relationship with another woman around her things might make him feel like he is cheating on your mom.
When my brother died I lived a long way away. I didn't get to visit but every several years. I didn't know the things that they had that well so they were all new to me. My sister in law bought another house and moved yet the first time I went there my brother was there. He was in every memory of everything they had ever done together.
My father in law got rid of everything that belonged to my mother in law. He even tore up the flowers she had had for years. He couldn't take care of them the way she did and he told me that she was always there. It was just too hard to move on. Everything is gone of hers yet she is still there. She is in every sunrise they shared and every sunset. Every tear they cried and every bit of laughter is still in that house. You can get rid of things but you can not erase a person's presense. The memories will always be there. In his heart and in yours.
I know how much it must hurt you but believe me your dad is not trying to erase your mom. He is just trying to go on the only way he knows how. Take what he offers you that belonged to her and cherish it.
As for the headstone he may be putting it off for more reasons than money. Once that stone is in place the reality of her death can no longer be avoided. Give him time. Let him know how you feel about the headstone and ask if he needs you to help him order it then set back and wait. The heart is a very fragile thing sometimes it can only do so much at a time before it says stop.
I pray that soon things will be better for you and your dad. No matter how much it hurts the reality of death is that life for others does go on.
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Why?
Why that is the question that we all ask. We ask it when we are faced with a personal tragady and we ask it when we see a major tragady that affects thousands. We all want to know how could God allow this to happen and what could possibly be the purpose.
I have asked that question so many times in the past 3 years and as the date of September 20th arrives those questions start anew. The heartbreak of Hurricane Katrina made me think about it even more. Monday September 20th will be the third anniversary of the day that I will always see as the beginning of the end of my beautiful life with Johnny. That made me question and seek answers more than ever.
Do I have answers? Probably not but I have some thoughts that I think may explain part of it. At least as much as any other could. So I guess I will share them with all of you. We have had so much sadness here lately. We have lost so many that we have grown to love. It is so hard to answer the question why and to see a purpose for such terrible heartache that so many face.
I believe that when God made this Earth he set in motion the things that would keep it constantly growing or changing. Mankind chose to live in some of the most vulnerable places. Once set in motion this planet does what it is meant to do. Could God stop it if he wanted too? Yes but he has a purpose for allowing bad things to happen instead of stopping them. We will probably never know His purpose but maybe that in itself has a purpose. Maybe we are supposed to just trust in His purpose without knowing why. Isn't that what Faith really is?
Then I think what other purpose for so much loss personal or national. Somehow I feel that we are being led to rediscover our humanity. We have grown so spoiled and so sure of ourselves. We have gotten used to accumulating so many things and somehow in the process we tend to forget that true humanity requires humanity to all of mankind. We also forget that there is a higher power and sometimes need to be reminded.
Most humans believe in a higher power. They may not all be Christians nor do they all believe in God as we do. Still tho they may call him different names or credit him with different attributes most believe. Even in the most primative areas on Earth faith in that higher being is always a part of their life and their community. Yet we who think of ourselves as the most powerful country on Earth are pushing God out of so many parts of our lives and communites. In many cases men are making decisions that only God should make. We have let the rights of the few become so important that we allow the rights of the many to be taken away to satisfy them.
If we believe that God created us all then there are some other things that I just can't understand why people don't believe. I believe that God made each and every person to be exactly like we are. He loves us all equally. He made different nationalities and different skin color and different sexual preferances. Each person is exactly as God intended them to be. He makes no mistakes. It is we humans who see differences as being something bad not God. It is true that he gave us freedom of choice and that allows us to do things that He may not approve of.
Our freedom of choice is what causes many of the problems we have. Still how could it be any other way? What glory would there be for mankind or God if He had programed us all to be perfect without freedom of choice? We would be just a bunch of puppets with no real reason for existing.
When we lose someone we love we go through many emotions. There is sadness, disbelief and dispair and often there is anger. We want to shout at someone. We want someone to make things right and give us back what we have lost. I ran though all of those emotions. I was just so angry. I questioned God and my Faith. Then I learned something. He has big shoulders. He can take it.
In that too maybe there is a purpose. Our heartache and dispair makes us more aware of the pain of others. We become more compasionate and more understanding. Those are good things but what about the anger and sense of injustice how do those benifit mankind? It is very simple really. It is the anger and sense of injustice that make us act. They are what get us going and make us determined to change what is wrong with so many things. Maybe somehow it is for that purpose that we must suffer so we will act. So we will be determined to make things better.
I have to believe these things. I can not believe that God is cruel or that He would do anything to cause us pain for no reason. After all he gave us a way to save ourselves through Christ. Why would he harm us? As parents we will do all we can for our children. Most parents will love their children no matter how bad they are. Can we expect the One who created us to be exactly what we are to do any less?
Boy I don't know where all of these thoughts come from. I just know that once they get in my head I can't think of much else until I share them. I surely hope that I have not offended anyone. I just want to try to find away to understand why we need to be here. Why we have had to suffer so much loss and endure so much pain.
I want to add one last thing before I end this. As of today my hours will be shorter. I will be home each night by 4:30 every night but Monday. I am sure looking forward to that. I hope now I can be of more support here and maybe once in a while I will be able to catch some of you on chat. God bless you all. May the next weeks find plenty of good news here and in the world. Lillian
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I am shocked. I didn't know about Dean's passing until I read this just now. My heart is filled with sorrow at his loss but joy for having known such a great person. Your Dean was a real person. I know as I read your words that he is looking down and smiling because he is so proud of you. God Bless you Gay and I can think of no one who deserves a toast more than Dean.
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I still have everything that belonged to Johnny. I also have all of the medical papers and copys of bills. I have reciepts for everything we ever bought while we were together. I think that I posted about a year ago when I tried to go through those things and throw them away. I just couldn't do it. I found a reciept for coffee at a coffee house we stopped at and gas reciepts. When I found those things I sat in the floor and cried for an hour. I haven't touched them sense but I know they are still there. I can look at those things and in my mind I go back to the day they represent. I don't think I will ever be able to bring myself to throw away even the simplest things.
Don't you find it strange how simple things can take you back so quickly and leave you feeling like the wind has been knocked out of you? The other day I was at a clients house. She lives not far from the High School. During lunch hour the band was practicing. It was as if someone had slapped my face. The memory was so sharp of a day that Johnny and I heard a school band and looked out the window to see the whole band marching by playing music. It was quite a site. I had forgotten all about that until I heard that music the other day. It came so suddenly and unexpectedly that it knocked me off balance for most of the day.
I don't think our hearts will ever stop breaking. There will always be something to bring back either the good or the bad. Those things always cause pain but I don't think I could face life if I ever lost them.
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I feel your pain. I know that no one can truly understand how you feel even those of us who have been where you are. I can just say reading your words they could have been mine. Rejoice that you had such a wonderful love in your life. No one can ever take that away from you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Lillian
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I want to think all of you for your comments. I wondered if I was the only one who thought of such things and now I know that I am not. There was a time not too many years ago when I would never have mentioned those thoughts. I guess that is just one more of the changes that I have gone through in the past four years. Knowing all of those new words are not the only changes in me. I think that all of us change when we have a tramatic experience. None in my life has been as tramatic as loving and losing Johnny again.
I know that I have really changed. For years I kept all of my deepest thoughts and feelings to myself. I had no one that I felt comfortable sharing them with. Johnny changed all of that. I know that deep down even tho we had not spoken in over 40 years I always knew that he still loved me. Once we started talking again my life changed for the better. He gave me a great sense of selfworth, something I had't ever had. That was just the beginning.
Through him I learned that things that we think important are not always the real important things. He taught me that it is just as important to take time to just be as it is to always be doing something. His love helped me grow into a person I like much better that the one I was for so many years. So many changes have taken place in my life. I don't just mean physical changes like being alone. I mean inner changes in my thoughts and attitude. I have always thought of myself as compassionate but in the past few years I have learned to not only feel compasion but act on it. I think that is the reason I love my job so much and why I am very good at it.
I have learned to value people. All people no matter who they are or where they come from.Johnny believed that there is good in everyone, you just have to look harder to find in in some. I have my likes and dislikes like everyone else but I know that nothing has more value than people and above all love for people. I guess it was just natural for me to become a caregiver because I have been taking care of people sense my mom was injured when I was 15 but the people that I have learned to value so much are the ones who inspire me. Had I not seen the indifference that Johnny recieved from those who should have cared enough to really help him I doubt that I would have realized just how many people who are either old or sick are emotionally neglected. The sad thing is that most people just don't realize how much impact their emotional neglect has cost those that they are supposed to love.
I can't really judge those people because I know that most are really good caring people and just don't realize that they are doing something wrong. They just don't know how to face those who are growing old and they don't know what to do with them. Often they are certain that they are doing all that can be done. I can understand that. It is heartbreaking to watch as people who have lived long and productive lives and can no longer funtion it the everyday world. Many can not remember from one moment to the next what they just did. Most people don't want to face the constant reminder that someday that could be them. I need that reminder. As painful as it can be I have to be reminded so I can be the kind of person that Johnny knew and loved. That is what makes my life worthwhile.
Sometimes I feel like an entruder in the lives of these people. I know that the work I do with them allows them to be at home longer with their own possesions and memories. I know that is important because those memories are all that most of them have. They can't make any new memories. Still I can't help but wonder if they knew that I was a witness to their deterioration how they would feel. Mercifully most of them live without realizing what is happening to them. They live in a state of ignorant bliss.
Maryanne I want to thank you for your concern for me. I have been working very long hours but that is about to change. I don't drive at night at least not this mountain road comming to my home. So next week I start working shorter days. I will have more time at home for myself. I feel that I need that. There are times I really feel the lonliness or maybe I should say the aloneness but for the most part I am content if not happy. So many things I wish that I had someone to share with but the truth is the only one I want to share with is Johnny. I have tried but it just doesn't seem to work. A good example is what happened Sunday.
The man next door to me lives alone. He has somethings in his past that are very hard to live with too. Like many of my neighbors he has helped me from time to time with things I just can't do alone. Sunday afternoon I was finished with my calls to my kids and church was long over and still I had the afternoon ahead of me. Normally I would welcome the time alone but Sunday I just wanted someone to talk to who could hold a normal conversation. I don't get that often.
I went to visit my neighbor and on the spur of the moment I asked him for dinner. I just couldn't face eating alone again and I know that he just grabs something and seldom cooks. I fried chicken and made mashed potatoes and corn with salad and fresh leomonaide. I enjoyed cooking for someone other than myself and he seemed to enjoy the meal and conversation. The problem is that when our meal was finished I fould myself wishing that he would leave. It had nothing to do with him. He is a very nice man. The whole problem is I can not look at a man and not compare him to Johnny. Everyone pales beside his memory. So I guess I will just keep on with my flowers and my work and when the cold comes I will tuck myself in with a quilt to sew or an afghan to crochet. A good book is always something I look forward to as well.
I would never have thought that I would change so much. My priorities have all changed and somehow I can't help but think that dispite being alone that is a good thing. Even as important I think that Johnny would approve.
How quickly my life changed. In 4 years I have found my place in the world. It is not a place that I would have ever dreamed of or expected. Johnny gave me many gifts such as love, laughter and joy but the greatest gift he gave me is enjoying being myself. Maybe for the first time in my life. Thank you my love thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Sunday in church the pastor's wife was talking to me about her Chemo. I knew everything she was talking about. That got me to thinking about words. In the last 4 years I have learned so many new words. Words that I may have heard but never really thought about or knew the whole meaning of. Words like Cancer and COPD and Unbalanced blood gases as well as Accute Respiratory Accidosis. Then there are other words, Vicodin, Hydrocode(the same thing) Morphine, Ativan and Xanax, Oxycodone, Paxal, Remeron and all of the Chemo drugs. The hardest are words like Death, Panic, Anxiety and Euthanasia. So many of those words I got to know intimately. They still haunt me every day.
There are other words too. Words that I knew the meaning of but never realized the depth of. Those are words like Love, Joy and Fulfillment. There are others too like Hope and Compassion and Patience. Somewhere in there are the words Advanced Directive and DNR. I knew about those words but they all seemed like something distant that had nothing to do with me. Then Johnny and I were together again and I learned the full meaning of Love and Joy and Hope.
After he died I discovered how deep Heartache can go and Dispair and Helplessness along with Hopelessness. Just words. How could simple words become so much a part of my life? I wish I could go back to a different time before I learned so many of those words. God how I wish I would never have had to learn them
Now in my work I have discovered other words. Words like Indifference and Dementia as well as Alzhiemers. Our lives are made up of words. We hear them everyday but until something happens in our lives that is so tramatic we just take them for granted. Oh to be so uninformed again
Now I live by other words. Those too are words that I have heard all of my life but now they are words that I cling to. Words like Afterlive, Eternity and Reunion. God and Faith have new meaning for me too. Without these words I doubt that I could ever face the nightmares that the others cause me.
Does any of this make sense to anyone? Has anyone else stopped to think of all of the words that just roll out of your mouth that you would never have really gotten aquainted with if it had not been for that monster of a word Cancer?
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Storms not just scary but terrifiying due to bad experience with the first few I lived through. Gentle rain sooths the soul.
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Lived in 3 states California, Louisiana and Washington
Visited or drove through
California, Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, North Carolina, South Carolina, Virgina, Washington DC, New York, Massacucets,New Hampture, Conneticut, Main,Pensylvania,Tennesee, Arkansas, Utah, Colorado, Oregon and Washington.
I think that is complete please don't hold spelling against me. If I had to spell the names to get there I would probably never have left California!!
My dream is to someday go to Alaska in fact that was Johnny's dream too.
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This is a good one. I have actually lived in more places in the last 3 years than I did all of the other years of my life.
I was born in Palo Alto Ca (Bay Area)
Grew up in Mountain View CA
Married and moved to Houma La for one and a half years
Back to Mountain View for a few years then moved one town over to Sunnyvale
Moved to Houma Louisiana again in 1971 and lived there for 31 and a half years until my divorce in 2002
Back to Sunnyvale for one and a half months
Centralia WA with Johnny for 5 months then alone for 5 months after he died
South to Escondito CA for 6 months
Now I live in French Gulch CA in Northern CA in the mountains west of Redding
I came the long way around to get here but now I am home.
So that comes to 6 cities and 3 states not counting where I was born but come to think of it I have to count that too because as a child we did live there for a little over a year. So it is 7 cities and 3 states total
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Any word yet?
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When I read your first post I knew that I would have to answer you in some way. Work and the storm news have kept me pretty tied up and that was part of the delay but even more I want to be as honest and compasionate as I can be. Now I know what I want to say to you.
Like everyone else I read your words and my heart breaks. It breaks for you and it breaks for me and the memories that haunt me every day of my life. Like your husband my Johnny liked to snuggle and he loved the kisses. He often told me that he couldn't sleep without me either snuggleing him or holding his hand. Those are the painfull sweet memories and they are so important.
My best advice to you is to make as many of those memories as you can while you can. They may be painfull too later but they are what will get you through some of the hardest days of your life. Those sweet painfull memories can block out the bad ones that are sure to come or at least take the edge off of them. It has been nearly three years sense my Johnny left this world and I still use those memories everyday just to survive. The bad memories haunt me but those sweet memories sustain me even tho they come with their own pain.
I would advise anyone not just those facing cancer but everyone to make all of those memories that you can. Say I love you a thousand times a day. Pay note to the sparkle in his eye when he looks at you. Take the time to touch hands and hug and kiss. Share those special little jokes that no one else could possibly understand. One of my biggest regrets is that just a few nights before Johnny died he wanted me to lay with him and snuggle. He was having a very bad reaction to a medication. I let myself be intemidated by the hospital staff so I didn't honor his request. It could have calmed him down and it may have made a difference but I didn't do what he wanted and I will never stop regretting that.
We all have so many regrets and so many "what ifs" but the biggest regrets will always be what we didn't do or say not what we did. So hold on to him anyway you can. If he is still hopefull support him all the way. There is nothing worse than seeing someone you love robbed of hope. Not because they gave up but because everyone else did. May God hold both of you in his hand and give you many more memories to hold to your heart until you are together again where there will be no pain or fear or heartache. Lillian
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Sorry that I didnt get back sooner but I was working. I left home yesterday morning before seven and didn't get home until seven tonight.
Donna I don't know if you saw it or not but I saw a picture for just a brief second of Goutier on tv. I'm afraid it looked pretty much like the rest of the coast in that area. Have you gotten any news yet?
Don I know you said your family are all alright but you didn't say anything about their homes. What town do they live in? I know most of the towns around there and even tho it is hard to get through I usually do get to talk to at least one of my kids everyday. I may already know about their town or may be able to find out for sure how bad they are.
My children were not only very fortunate that they were spared but so were their homes. They have some shingles missing and some of the turbines are either missing or gone from their roofs but in general all is well. Yesterday they got their power back on. There are a lot of workers there to restore power and sense they can't get into the New Orleans area they decided to hurry and get Houma up and running again. Houma is being used as one of the staging areas for the rescue workers. My son tells me it is like living in a war zone. He is well aware of what that is like. He served in the first Gulf War.
Today one of the employees of his company got to their shop and tho it had been flooded otherwise it was virtually untouched. As soon as the state police will allow they can either get back to work or move the equipment out so they can set up shop somewhere else. I'm sure there is plenty of work for them right now off of Texas and as soon as it is feasable they need to be working off the Louisiaa coast. The rigs can't operate without the escape capsules and that is what they work on.
My son in law sent me a photo today. It is the heliiport where he used to catch his ride off shore. That is located in Venice at the very lowest tip of the toe of Louisiana. There is one small spot showing where the heliport was. The rest is water. You can hardly tell there was ever any land there. I have been told that most of Plaqamines parish no longer exists. I have heard nothing so far about Chalmette across the river from New Orleans but I suspect it to has little left. That is where the Battle of New Orleans was fought.
Not far from Chalmette is Michoud that is where the large external tank for the space shuttle is made. There has been nothing in the news about that. The list just goes on and on. One bit of good news did get to me today. All of the guys who work with my sons have been accounted for. They are all safe. I know nothing about their homes but Life is more important than things.
Any way Don and Fay please keep us updated with any news you have. My head is full of pictures both good and bad and my heart is always full of prayers. God Bless. Lillian
Can't stop thinking about this . . .
in GRIEF
Posted
When Johnny died it was those thought that drove me crazy. I couldn't think about him without those questions. He was so sure that he was going to get better and he wanted to live so badly. His last two days were not good days. Believe me too much morphine does not always make for a pleasant death. Johnny's last day was pure torment for both of us and neither of us knew it was the last day.
The only comfort I have had is in believing that because of the way he died he didn't know that he was dying. Any other thoughts are just too much for me. They haunt me still and it has been nearly 3 years. I always pray that somehow he knew that I was with him until he breathed his last breath.
Everything about this is just so hard. We move forward but our hearts stay in the past. There is just too much pain to overcome. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to know that you are dying. I just need to believe that Johnny didn't know.