lilyjohn
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Today was quite a day. I can't believe it is already this time of year again. It has been three years. You would think these dates wouldn't be so hard any more but sometimes I think they get harder instead of easier.
Three years ago today It had been just one day sense Johnny had had the first panic attack. That day he started with the anxiety attacks. His nurse got permission for him to take an extra Adavan that day. What a nightmare
That night when he took one at bedtime it took only a few minutes for the hilucinations to start. When he would doze off the hilucinations would turn to nightmares. He was kicking and moaning so much I would have to wake him up. Once awake the hilucinations would start again. That lasted all night. I doubt that we got a full hours sleep. I just can't get those images out of my head. When this date comes it is as if it is happening all over again.This morning I was nervous already. I have a problem with my car. I'm not sure what it is but each time I leave to drive to work I say a prayer that I will get there and home with no real problem. It pulls the grades good but if I don't excelerate fast enough it bucks a couple of times. If I excelerate hard and steady it climbs with no problems. Needless to say that really makes me nervous. I do need to get it checked out but the place I have used before is not opened on Saturday and I would have to let my rent be very late if I get it checked out. I know I need to but I have to find a way to get it done and not lose any work. I just keep driving it and praying that it works a little longer.
Add my car problem to the date and it was a double whammy. If I ever needed a sign from Johnny that he is with me it had to be today. Then I think I may have got some but I'm not sure and it sure would be strange
On my way home today I had to stop and meet a new client. I will go there for part of the day tomorrow. While looking at his folder I saw his alergies. One of them is Adavan!
I got home later than I would have and decided not to work in my yard as I had planned. I was just too tired. I sat for a while just resting then took Misty out for her walk. It was so quiet and peaceful. The best time of the day. We were almost finished our walk when in the distance I heard a quail rooster crow. Any of you who have followed my story know that is one of my signs from Johnny.
I was going to read for awhile but remembered that a new show was on tonight and I wanted to check it out. The show was Ghost Whisperer. I watched the show and it did remind me of a lot of things that I have come to believe then at the end of the show one of the characters made a statement about the death of her son and her husband. She said "they are with me. I can feel them. I really do believe they are there watching out for me. I have to believe that or I don't think I would be able to go on."
I listened to those words and they could have been my own. I have to believe or I don't know if I could go on. I think maybe I got my signs. The Adavan reminding me of my pain, the quail rooster letting me know that Johnny is near and the words of that lady that says so well what I feel. So maybe my day is ending a little better than it started. I just have to trust that God will get me through until I can do something about my car and I have to believe that Johnny and all of my loved ones are around looking out for me and reassuring me.
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I'm normally a very practical person. I would always give a list of very practicle things when asked but it was always the personal things that made me cry with happiness. I always wanted a boquet of roses. In 41 years of marrige I recieved roses only one time. I'm not sure but I think it was for my birthday but I couldn't swear to it.
My last trip to the store before Johnny died he gave me some money and told me to buy a dozen roses. Six for him and six for me. He had gotten red roses from his niece when he got home from the hospital the first time. Those roses were special to both of us and I was happy to buy them for us. When I returned to our apartment after his death the first thing I saw was the roses. They were as black and dead as my heart felt. For his memorial service I bought 2 dozen roses. They were a gift for both of us, a chance to share something special one last time.
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I used to be able to get totaly lost for awhile. I could just lay in the yard and look at the clouds and get lost in them or just about any part of nature. Later I realized that was complete peace, not thoughts no sounds and nothing could intrude on my peace. I lost that with time and have searched for it ever sense.
That is one of the many things that I admired about Johnny. He was able to retain that ability and I'm sure that is what pulled him through many hard times. It helped him survive things that a lot of people never would have. He was teaching me to do it again and I almost got there but
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It would have to be Elizabeth Taylor. Her life has always facinated me.
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Boy this one is a tough one to talk about because it led to my divorce and my reunion with Johnny. So I have to say it was the best decision I could have made but it gave me a lot of pain and uncertainty at the time.
My marriage was always one that gave my husband control over me. I made the decision that I would stand up for myself. Probably for the first time in my life. He made an outragous accusation against me. Had I given in and admitted that I had done something wrong my marriage may have survived but I would have never found myself or Johnny and above all I would have lost the very last of my self respect. Standing up for myself and what I believed in cost me a lot but it gave me the happiest days of my life.
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Prayers of thankfullness for your safty.
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I am so very sorry for your loss. It is never easy losing someone you care for but knowing they are frightened makes it much worse. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Your friend was truly blessed to have you at her side. Lillian
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I'm not quite sure how to begin this other than to ask for your continued prayers.
While all eyes are on New Orleans and points west a disaster is unfolding that no one is paying attention to. I know about it because it is the area where I lived for so long. The area that my children and grandchildren still call home.
As in many cases when people think of Louisiana they see New Orleans and Mardi Gras. In many cases not the real Mardi Gras but the vulgarities that take place in the French Quarter much of witch is not even on the parade routes. Now people are beginning to realize that there is more to Louisiana than New Orleans but they have a long way to go.
The population of Houma and the small settlements around it make up a population larger than that of Lake Charles. The town itself is 40 miles from the coast or at least it used to be. I watched with my own eyes over the years as that land disappeared. Now there is actually only about 20 miles. Many small communities are clinging to the many small roads that go down into the area. Those towns are surrounded by small earthen levees. The cries for money to improve them have been ignored for years. Now they are paying the price for that neglect.
Katrina hit them hard. There was not much structural damage because they never got the storm surge. The eye itself passed to the east. Rita was moving west and that has caused a potential disaster that no one is paying attention to. The governor mentioned Terrebonne Parish in her speach yesterday but none of the news media picked up on it.
As Rita passed to the south on Friday those small levees were all breached. Water started to pour in and many people became trapped by the rising water. As of last night another breach was made in the levee on the Intracoastal Waterway. Water started to pour into parts of Houma. The hospital south of town started to evacuate and the main hospital in Houma started sandbagging to protect their basement area.
The sherriff pulled his people out of New Orleans to help at home. Some people from Arkansas with nothing to do in New Orleans went with them. That is the only help they have as they struggle with a growing disaster. They get no publicity no federal help. Prayers are needed because prayer and the help of God and eachother is all they can count on.
So far where my family lives is pretty safe. They live in an area north of town that is a little higher. Still there is danger because some of those areas have flooded before.
Katrina went East and Rita went West. Despite the fact that they had Katrina's 120 mile an hour winds they felt spared. Now they are wondering. As my son said yesterday with one going East and one West they now feel like they have a bullseye painted on them for the next one. That is where they really need prayers. There was virtually no way to evacuate for Rita. All roads East are severly damaged by Katrina. The storm was heading West. They were trapped. I have nightmares about another comming straight at them and no way to get out of its way.
The only one that I know for sure who is trapped by flood waters is my daughter in law's brother and his family. My son in laws parents live close to the area that is flooding now. I will learn later today what their situation is.
The people on this board are so caring and so compassionate. I know beyond a doubt this is the place to turn for prayers. God Bless all of you for caring so much. Lillian
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She didn't want the mystery to end because it brought her more fame and Elvis was ashamed to show his face after his daughter married Michael Jackson. They decided to appear to me because
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Larry's poem post gave me an idea. I'm sure that most of us at one time or another have tried our hand at poetry. Let's each go back and pull those up out of our minds and share them here. Maybe if we get enough Katie may be able to find someway to market them and use the proceeds for ongoing expenses? If not at least it will help us know eachother better. Well check you all out later. I've got to go to work now. Lillian
I will start if that is alright. I have a lot that I have written over the years. This is one of my favorites.
Rushing Sea
Tell me mighty ocean with waters so deep and wide
Tell of some of the places you've been of some of the secrets you hide
Why are you so angry as you rush upon the shore?
You have so much to be proud of you could hardly ask for more
No matter where you go you are never out of place
Somewhere every moment the sun shines on your face
Most everybody loves you no matter where you are
People rush out to meet you, why you are like a shining star
With all the world devided and man not trusting man
You are always welcome in each and every land
I'd like to know your secrets, I'd like to be like you
I'd like to visit the places you've been and do the things you do
Every time I come to see you, you rush away so fast
You never have time to answer these many questions I ask
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Tho my heart my be heavy
And sometimes I fear
I know that God
Is always quite near
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I'm afraid that I was not quite as fortunate as many of you were. We were very poor so the memories that are good mean a lot to me. My mom worked in a canery to raise us 5 kids (myself and 4 older brothers) my dad had a problem with wine.
I was about 5 years old when the most precious memory I have took place. It was the day before Easter. All of the other little girls had new Easter dresses but I had none. My oldest brother Richard picked me up from the baby sitter. On the way home he asked me what I was going to wear for Easter. I looked down at the plaid pleeted skirt that I was wearing and said "I guess I will wear this".
When we got home he took me out of the car and put me up on his shoulders. We we walked it the house the first thing I saw hanging in the furtest highest corner was a new Easter dress. I will never forget. It was blue with ruffles and pink ribbons. He had gotten his Income tax that day and the first thing he did was buy that dress for me. When the neighbor ladies told him that he could have bought 2 for what he paid for it he told them that he only needed one.
Another was a year when my two other brothers worked all summer at odd jobs and cutting grass. My youngest brother Harold bought me a musical Teddy Bear. That bear was my best friend for years. He heard all of my heartaches and all of my joys.
One last thing I want to mention is the Greyhound bus station. During the winter every Tuesday my mom would get an unemployment check because he work was seasonal. On Tuesdays we would walk about a mile to catch the bus to Palo Alto. Once she got her check if money wasn't too tight she would buy me a hanburger at the bus station. I remember those as the best burgers I ever had. Thinking back I don't think she ever bought one for herself. I was very blessed with the family I had even if things were always tight.
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I talked to my daughter a short time ago. They had lost their power for about an hour earlier but for now it is back on. They are getting some pretty rough weather there. They are far enough away not to get the main part of the storm but they are on the bad side. They had tornado warnings several times today. If you see the weather channel you will see where Houma is.
She did tell me that all of the areas of lowere Lafourch Parish and Terrebonne Parish are under water now. Those places didn't get too much flooding from Katrina but they were on the left side and the wind was blowing the water out. From what I am seeing now it looks like Lake Charles will get the brunt of this thing. Thank God it is not as strong as it was yesterday.
I just hope that the people in Houston don't do like they did in Louisiana and say that they left for nothing and decide to stay next time. That is one of the reasons so many failed to leave South East Louisiana for Katrina.
My heart breaks for those dear people on that bus. Why does it seem that the worst always happens to the most vulnerable? One thing these storms have done is make people aware of how vulnerable sick and old people are. That is a good thing but my God what a way to get us to this point. I will continue to pray for everyone who is affected by this monster storm.
I swear that by the end of this huricane season my hair will be snow white just worrying about my family. Then of coarse the price of gas is really getting bad for me. I work more to try to get ahead then the gas goes up again and takes the extra that I earn. I guess tho I can't complain, especially when I see so many people who would be willing to pay anything if they could only get some gas.
Don and Lucie don't let your guard down. This thing is far from finished. Lillian
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Ok everyone has a pet peeve. Something that really gets your dander up. So let's see what p*****s eveyone off.
Mine is someone who just drops in and won't take the hint to leave when I have things to do or want to be alone.
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I have to say working in my flowers. Then of coarse there is crocheting and making quilts or just about any kind of hand sewing except mending (yuk) I also read a lot. I have been known to read the encyclopedia if nothing else was handy.
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The Bible (not the modern editon either)
Wind from the Carolinas ( I have read this about 10 times and it never gets old)
The Kent Family Chronicles ( there are 8 books but can be counted as 1)
Gone with the wind to add a 4th
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Biscuits with ham and red eye gravy with some good old fashioned fried potatoes. Not french frys. Most in the South will know what I mean.
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allow him to be a part of one of my hulcinations again unless he cleans his underwear, gives me a big raise and
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Dressed as a woman and joined a harem. I was so excited when the very rick Shaw chose me to spend the night with him. I was shocked when he showed me his
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This storm has me terrified. It keeps edging further East and if it moves much more my kids will be in it's path.
I talked to my daughter a few minutes ago. As of now they are staying put. So far they have been told they will have tropical storm winds and a lot of rain unless it moves further East.
The thing is tonight is really the last safe time to leave. Even if they wanted to leave where whould they go? There are just no rooms anywhere and there are very few roads out that are not still closed from Katrina. Please keep my family in your prayers too. This is proving to be a year that no one wants to see. May God protect everyone. Lillian
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I am just asking all of our Texas friends to check in with us. I watch the news and just want to say "oh no here we go again". Please if they ask you get out of there even if you are inland a few miles. Katrina didn't hit my kids head on and thank God they had all left but others I know did stay behind.
Even tho the didn't get a direct hit they did get the western side of the storm and it was pretty bad. Not so much structural damage but the fear. People who would never leave before are saying that they will never stay for another one. So if you have to get out early. The roads were a nightmare for my kids when they left. Finding a place to stay will be hard to. My daughter's sister in law called night before last just in case they would have to leave. The closest rooms she could find were in Mossuri.
That thing is so big. It really frightens me. I know it is not supposed to hit New Orleans but Katrina was not supposed to him Mississippi. Even worse if it does turn North sooner than they expect they would be in the right front quadran. I will be praying that the lesson Katrina taught will save people from the terror and pain caused by it this time.
I will not rest easy until this one is gone from the Gulf.
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I guess favorite nursery rhyme was Mary had a little lamb. I also had a favorite song. Maybe some of you will remember I went to the animal fair
I went to the animal fair
The birds and the beasts were there
The big baboon by the light of the moon
Was combing his auburn hair
You should have seen the monk
He jumped on the elephants truck
The elephant sneezed and fell on his knees
And that was the end of the monk the monk the monk
I used to sit on my front porch with my little grandson on my lap and sing that song. For some reason he was afraid when it said big baboon so he would substitute big Racoon
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I will try to sneak on without being seen. If they catch me then I will just say
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Well today was my first day on my new shorter schedule. I was home by 4:30 and it sure was nice. I had so many things that I wanted to do that I kind of went around in circles doing a little bit here and a little there. I will have to learn how to budget my new found time at home.
My boss is really wonderful. She knows about my night driving restrictions and as soon as I mentioned the shorter days she went to work on my schedule and got me set up to get off early and make the maximum income that I can. She has agreed to give me one weekend a month to make up for the time that I will be losing each day. So I will get off early but I will be gone from Friday morning until Tuesday evening. After that I intend to take a couple of weekends off. I want to get my yard ready for winter.
I went shopping Saturday and went nuts. There are so many flower bulbs now. I want them all
I did buy quite a few but before I can plant them I have to make more beds. That is not an easy task here where I live. The dirt is sparce and there are rooks and bolders just below the surface. In some cases on the surface. To make a flower bed I have to put down edging and full it with dirt. Then I use the rocks to help keep it in place because you can't dig in the ground. There are just too many rocks. Never the less in less then two years I have haulded enough rocks and planted enough plants (thanks to my neighbors who are always giving me plants) to make about 60 feet of flower beds.I have a very big yard so there is still a lot of room for more beds. Can't have a lawn so I picture a yard that is all flower beds with gravel paths. Someday
I have started three holes for fruit trees in the spring. I live in California and I entend to have fruit trees
I removed a big boulder then start making the holes a little bigger each time I have a few minutes. I remove the rocks and dig out what dirt there is to use for my beds.Once I get my yard straight I have tons of work to do in my house. I want to wash walls and paint and scrub my kitchen floor as well as clean closets. I know it will take me a while but I can't wait to get started on all of it. Then I can relax on my time off and work on my quilt that I had to put away or crochet or just read a book. It all sounds soooo good.
I guess it is good that I have been so busy. I am facing all of those anivrsary dates again and they can really get me down. Yesterday and today were two of them but at least I didn't get so bad that I couldn't function this time like I did the past two years. Maybe that is progress. I try not to think of the date but sometimes that is impossible. Fate just seems to conspire against me. Case in point.
Yesterday I was with a client all day and all night. She had a visit from her next door neighbor. Her last name is Fields just like Johnny's. Then I was looking at a magazine and saw an add for the lodge at Lake Quinault. The memories crashed over me like a tidal wave.
Three years ago yesterday. Could it really be that long? Johnny and I were going to pay his rent at the place where his trailer was still parked. On the way he asked me to go another way. He wanted to show me one of his favorite places. Lake Quinault. I remember it was raining that day. A light gentle rain. We parked and went into the lodge. We had already eaten so we just ordered coffee and dessert. Johnny ordered sherbert and I had cheescake and we each tired a little of the others.
He was so well that day. He never used the oxygen all day. We had the best time and when we left he had me pick up a brosure. He said that before Winter we would have to go back when it wasn't raining and spend a few nights there. He said it would be a romantic vacation for us and give me some rest for a change. We were so happy that day. All of his neighbors told us how well he looked. Some said they had known him for years and had never seen him looking so well.
On the way home we stopped to eat and by the time we left it was dark. The moon was up and it was a full moon. Johnny had me park in the parking lot so we could look at the moon for a while. We held hands and he said it was so romantic because we had never done that before. Such a perfect day. Then the next day our nightmare began and for me it has never ended.
Three years ago today sense the nurse made the remark that started the anxiety and panic attacks. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if anyone else had said what he did but he was the one who had given Johnny hope in the first place. He was the one who said attitude is 90% of the battle. Why couldn't he remember that his own attitude was just as important as Johnny's and kept his damn mouth shut?
Oh well I had better get off of this subject and get ready for bed. There are too many aniversary dates ahead. I can't afford to let them all get me down so much again. Johnny wouldn't want that.
Lillian
That night when he took one at bedtime it took only a few minutes for the hilucinations to start. When he would doze off the hilucinations would turn to nightmares. He was kicking and moaning so much I would have to wake him up. Once awake the hilucinations would start again. That lasted all night. I doubt that we got a full hours sleep. I just can't get those images out of my head. When this date comes it is as if it is happening all over again.
How do I say goodbye
in GRIEF
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The kisses and hugs and the glint in your eye
How do I say goodbye
Our love brought laughter and tears
So much we had missed through the years
Such joy did we find in everyday life
Now memories each day cut like a knife
Death came so swiftly like a thief in the night
One minute you were with me, the next gone from my sight
The world kept on turning, how could that be
Why did I stay, What's left here for me
I have more compasion, more time for a friend
Yet I wonder each day where will it end
I hold on to memories and they make me cry
But how do I say goodbye
The flowers of Spring, A bird on the wing
Words to a song that you used to sing
I see you in the Autum leaves, the blue of the sky
How do I say goodbye
In all that I do and all that I see
You are a memory
I can't touch you or see your smile
Yet every once in a while
I feel a gentle touch like a breath on my skin
And it seems for a moment you are with me again
For a split second a scent from the past
After so long how does it last
So much I hold on to and the wind seems to cry
I'm with you, I'm with you, no need for goodbye