lilyjohn
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Posts posted by lilyjohn
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I am so sorry for your loss. I too am grieving a recent loss so I really understand. As for the child that is really sad. I had 2 brothers who ledt 10 year old sons when they died. It was really hard and my mama never got over the loss of 3 sons. Sometimes life is just so unfair. You and your family will be in my prayers. Lillian
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When I was married and living in Louisiana we had all holidays at my mother in laws for years. When it got to be too much for her and there was no room for everyone in the house things changed. We would all go to my brother in laws. He raised turkeys so we would have 2, One baked and one fried (hey I never said the food in Louisiana isn't good).
This year I will work and take my lady out to dinner at Marie Calenders. Christmas I will have family just 50 miles from here so for the first time in 4 years I will have a real family Christmas. Not like I was used to but that is alright.
Christmas was always my thing after my mother in law gave it up. I would cook for days actually weeks if you count all of the cookies and candy that I would make. This is my Christmas dinner I always made.
Turkey with both cornbread and rice dressing. Ham, candied sweet potatoes, brocoli and cheese caserole, coleslaw, mashed potatoes and gravy. I would also have a relish tray with pickles, olives and stuffed celery (stuffed with a shrimp dip that I made). For dessert I would make lemon pie, 2 chocolate pies, and a sweetpotatoe pie. I would also make either a banana nut cake with whiped cream or a chocolate mayonaise cake.
We had Christmas eve at my sons house so I would make a mold of shirmp and take crakers, I would also make cinnamon pecan danish. My son would have fried turkey, gumbo, white beans and all of the trimmings. Oh yes and usually a big pot of jambalya.
A week later for New Years I did it again only that was all cabbage dishes(coleslaw, smothered cabbage and cabbage rolls) not everyone liked the same thing. Then of coarse there was a big pork roast with rice and gravy and mashed potatoes and a large pot of black eyed peas. Same dessert.
Does it sound like I spent a lot of time cooking? You bet I did and that is not even covering Good Friday and Mardi Gras! The guys did Easter bar b que but you ladies know what that is like. The men do the bar b que but guess who gets to do the other things and the clean up
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My heart goes out to you and your family. May you find the peace and strength that will get you through the days and weeks ahead. Lillian
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I too have 2 Thanksgivings that will always stand out in my mind.
The first was 1991. My youngest son had been in the army for 3 years and had spent 7 months in Iraq during the first Gulf war. The army offered those who had been deployed a chance to get out early if they had a job waiting. So my son was home for Thanksgiving and the relief I felt after 3 years of fear and dread was tremendous. We had a lot to be thankful for.
The other was 2002. Johnny had been having problems with anxiety for over 2 months by then. I had made him an appointment with Cancer Treatment Center in Seattle. The change in him was immediate once he had hope again. He was in the nursing home that day and was supposed to go home the next day. We had dinner together in his room. Misty was with us. After dinner we left for a while and rode to his son's house. He was just in the best mood and for once there was no sign of the anxiety that had plagued him for months.
Later that evening he surprised and frightened me when he stood up and walked out into the hall to look for the nurse. He wanted to ask if she could get something for me to sleep in so I could spend the night with him. He hadn't been walking at all the 8 days sense he had gone into the hospital and very little at home before that. He was so strong and so sure and told me not to worry because he felt better and stronger than he had in months.
That was the only real holiday that we ever got to share. That too is a bittersweet memory. That morning for some reason they had decided to give him Morphine in his nebulizer. Within two hours he was hoarse and coughing. It worried me but at the time he insisted that he felt so well that I never dreamed that in less than 4 days he would be gone and I would be alone and heartbroken.
Now I spend Thanksgiving alone and far away from my family. I ache for one that will hold good memories again but for now I hold on to those two.
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Oh Peggy I know what you mean. I could use one myself right now. I am sending you hugs and love along with hope for a better day tomorrow. Lillian
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I'm sorry it has taken me so long to reply. It has been a rough two days. I do want to thank all of you for caring.
J.C. I did try to get a job in an assisted living home but it proved to be impossible. I have worked in one before but here it is not possible. All shifts either start or end when it is dark. I live 20 miles up a twisting mountain highway. My vision at night does not allow me to drive that dark road after dark. Those places do not pay as well as the job I have now going from home to home but it would be more hours. Unfortunately old and sick people seem to not be a priority when it comes to pay. I would earn no more than I do now.
Sunday I learned that my son gave his blessings to my granddaughter. She will be married two days before Christmas while her fiance is home on leave. In April he will leave for Iraq. Erica will continue to live with her parents and go to school. They will have a small wedding with only the family there. I will be the only one missing. My son offered to buy me a plane ticket but I know that he can not afford that and the wedding too. I am also a coward and will not fly. Even if not for that I can not afford to take the time off from work. I can't even afford a wedding present right now. My whole situation seems to be trying to defeat me.
Somehow I will find a way to hold on to my home and continue my job. I don't know how I will do that but I trust that somehow God will show me the way. For today I just need to rest. I have the day off because I chose not to spend 5 hours in town waiting for my next appointment. It was just not worth that and I need time to grieve for my dear friend who passed away last night. Then I will somehow find the strength and the means to continue my battles for justice. There are just too many people that the world seems to have turned it's back on.
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Yesterday evening at 6:30pm my friend and Johnny's sister in law Carol died peacefully at home.
I am heartbroken, shocked and angry. It has been a long road for her and all who love her a road that should never have been traveled.
For two years she has had a serious problem with pain and bleeding. Each time she went to the emergency room she was sent home with pain killers. No tests were done to find her problem. Just 3 months ago she had a biopsy at her daughter's insistance. The doctor did not want to do it. She told Pam that she should just take her home and make her comfortable. Two weeks ago she was finally diagnosed with Uteran Cancer but by then it was too late. She was sent home to die.
Sense May she has had a major heartattack, a stroke and almost continuous bleeding. The answer for her no matter how hard her daughters fought for her was always the same. Put her in a nursing home and let her die. Pam never stopped fighting for her. Even the day before she died the nurse who came to her home had to be forced to give her antibiotics for the infection that was causing a high fever. She didn't want to give the antibotics but a high dose of Morphine instead. A drug that they knew that Carol was alergic to. Pam would not allow it and Carol died peacefully aware of her family with her and in no appearnt difficulty.
Maybe it is ironic that she died on the anivresary of the date Johnny's oncologist as much as told us that he didn't want to do any more for Johnny. Not that he couldn't but that he just didn't want to.
Like Johnny Carol's death cetificate will say cancer was the cause of death but I know better. They both died of indifference. We live in a society where a person't life or death can be decided by a clash in personalities, one doctor's ego or one who just wants to play God. This happens because no one cares until it happens to someone they love.
Most people either just don't care or are too afraid to acknowledge that this kind of thing happens. Because of that it will continue. When someone choses to speak out about this they are doomed to a very lonely fight.
I have many problems in my life right now but somehow I will overcome them. My purpose in life is to fight the indifference that takes lives and destroys others. It may be a lonely life and no one may want to listen but as long as the Lord gives me a voice to speak and a mind to find the words I will stand up for those who the world wants to ignore.
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I read over all of our responses and I keep going back to yours Jane. What you describe is so much like what I had with Johnny. I have no doubt that you know how blessed you are
Right now I am thinking of a conversation that I need to have with my son. My granddaughter's fiance went into the army right after they graduated from high school in the Spring. He has a few more months of training then he will be sent to Iraq. They want to get married before he leaves. My son is trying to talk them out of it.
He can't afford another large wedding it's only been a year and a half sense Alison got married. He is also paying part of Erica's college. I think that is just part of it. He wants to see her finish college like her sister. The thing is she really doesn't want college. She wants to get married and have babies. She wants to follow Jack wherever he goes once he gets back.
I have my fears for her. I don't want to see her a widow at 20 with a child to raise and that could very well happen. Still I never interfered with my children. I always knew that we don't chose who we love.
I hate to think of her living like I have always worried about where the next penny will come from. It would be good for her to finish school and be a teacher on a military base wherever they live. That is not what she wants. I know what it can mean when someone interfers even if their intentions are the best. I know only too well that the window to happiness can last a very short time. It may be a mistake and it may not last but she deserves a chance. A chance that I never had.
No matter what happens if she can have just 5 months like I did with Johnny it would be something to treasure for the rest of her life. I wish her a life time of happiness but I know that can be a very rare thing. You have to grab what you can and not let it slip away.
I just hope I can make my son see that as hard as it may be.
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I'm almost ashamed to come here. I just have so much going on and this is the only place I feel connected, the only place where I feel I can turn for support or advice or what ever there is for me.
I just feel like I have reached the breaking point. I'm just so tired and I don't know how much longer I can keep trying when everything just seems to go against me. I have been so close so many times. Just one paycheck away from being able to relax a little but now it seems it is getting further and further away from me and I just don't think I have the energy to keep reaching and having it slip away.
First it was my car needing work. That put me behind so I took an extra long job to make up for some of it. Then I got sick and missed a week of work. So I told myself it could be worse and I would find a way to catch up. I asked for extra work and agreed to a job tomorrow. The next day after I took that job I learned that one of my clients had an appointment and would be with her daughter all day on Tuesday. So the extra I earn tomorrow will be canceled unless my boss can find me something to fill in. If she doesn't I have one two hour job for that day. A job that I have to drive nearly an hour to get to and an hour to get home. It will take me nearly 3 gallons of gas. I could just ask for coverage and take the day off. I'm sure she could get someone but this is my special lady. So what do I do?
Then 2 days ago a tooth fell out of my denture. I can't tell you how far down the list of priorities that is! Not enough tho because today on my one day off I started to vacum and the belt broke on my vacum cleaner. I took it apart to make sure that was what was wrong with it and then couldn't get it back together. I spent an hour on it and just got more and more frustrated. I ended up sitting on the floor beating on it with a screw driver and crying. I kept saying "I'm just so tired damn it". I know that is the problem but there is more.
All around me I see illness or death. Two people I care about very much are in a battle for their lives against another kind of cancer. I can't even call them to add my support because I just can't take any more bad news. I feel like I am letting them down but I don't know what else to do.
I know that my job is a lot of my problem. I really need a break but that is just not possible. I just get so envolved with those people. I can't help it. They need so much and I want desperately to give them something even if it is just a touch or a hug. I want them to know that someone cares. It's just getting harder and harder for me.
I go days without talking to anyone who does not have severe dementia. They say something or I say something and a minute later they have forgotten and we go through it again and again. I really thought I was handling it well until yesterday. Now I just don't know any more.
One lady is 94 and yesterday she made a remark that upset me. She said it just seems like a person should be able to just go to sleep and go. She is still able to get around. She takes her own shower and lives alone. She needs help with meals and supervision with her medication but she can manage everything else. The problem is she is going blind and has dementia. She has nothing left to look forward to. I know she is thinking about death and would welcome it but she is afraid of dying. She is trying to figure out how to get to that place, what would be the easiest way. That makes me think that maybe she is close to the end even tho she is relatively healthy.
I had the start of two anxiety attacks while at her house. I knew what they were from watching Johnny and I was able to stop them but they really frightened me. I was really upset when I left her house.
In the car on the way to my next job a song came on the radio. The first time I heard that song I commented on it describing mine and Johnny's relationship. One line of the song says " I know you've been stretched to the limits but I'll be here for you". It just seemed to put me at ease for a while. Then I got to my next client. My special lady.
She was in bed when I got there. She got up but didn't want her shower. She said she was just too tired and didn't feel up to it. I decided to just help her wash up and change clothes. She could hardly get up from her chair. She is going down hill and I see it each time I go. Most of it is probably from depression and lonliness. She always perks up when I get there. I found out that her son is thinking about putting her in a nursing home. I know that she does need full time care and they can't afford it at home. If she goes into a nursing home Medicare will pay for it.
The problem is that I know in my heart if she goes there she will not live long. She just would not be able to stand the routine. This is a lady who went to a female doctor for an exam and told me afterwards that she was so humiliated that she would rather die than have to go through that again. I am the only one who she will let shower her. She took a shower one time while I was out sick for someone else while they stood by but she wouldn't let her help. She wouldn't have any choice in a nursing home.
I see all of these things and it gets to me. I struggle eveyday with my finances and the pain of losing Johnny. I look at these ladies and think is that all it comes down to? Will all of the struggles and all of the pain get me nowhere but where they are alone and just waiting to die. Not able to remember from one minute to the next what is happening.
I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I have to work and this is my line of work. In February I will be 62 and I can draw my social security but I know it will not be enough to live on and least not until I get caught up a little more but it will give me something to have if I can't work. I won't be without a penny. I may even be able to afford insurance but I just don't know if I can make it that long.
How do you go on when everything seems stacked against you? How do you keep fighting when you see no hope of things ever being better? So many of you here have been in the battle for so long and you are still fighting. I admire you so much for that. I just wish I could be as strong.
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Right now it is the new Kenny Chesney song. I know it is about the death of a very young woman but certain lines haunt me. Everytime I get in the car I hear that song and now even in my sleep those words go over and over in my mind. They are just so discriptive. These are the ones that really get to me.
"Sunny days seem to hurt the most. I wear the pain like a heavy coat"
"Somedays the sky's so blue I feel that I can talk to you. I know it may sound crazy but it's true"
"It's not fair. You died too young, like a story that had just begun and death tore the pages all away."
"God knows how much it hurts, all the hell that I've been through knowing no one can take your place"
"The only thing that gives me hope is knowing that I'll see you again someday"
It would be hard to find words to describe what this ache is like that are more fitting
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I wrote this two years ago when I was facing the first aniversary of Johnny's death. When I was young I saw love as the happily ever after. I never thought of love as pain or something that grew but as something that would always stay the same. As you can see my ideas and ideals have changed a lot.
I have been thinking about love and how I would discribe it. Love is sharing someones thoughts and feelings and respecting those things and knowing it is returned. Love is taking a person as they are and not wanting to change them or make them over.
Love is acceptance of flaws and not only accepting but having pride in the person because you know the flaws are a part of them. Love is wanting to lift someone up when they are low and love is wanting to lift someone higher when they are high.
Love is a touch or a look that needs no words and love is the joy of just being. Being loved is the most wonderful thing but being able to love totaly and unconditonally is the most precious of gifts.
Love is just knowing without words and love is words that mean one thing to others but have special meaning between two people who love. Love is silly little pet names and love is tears and hope and pain. Love is what life is all about.
Love is the most powerful force in the universe and beyond. Love is life, hope and dreams. Love is the eternal force and I believe that God is love.
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Have you noticed that lately there are more and more songs comming out about death and mentioning the afterlife? I don't know about other music but in Country Music it seems to be a trend lately.
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Prayers going your way. Every moment is special even the bad ones. I hope for a great evening and many more to come. God Bless both of you.
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My babysitter as well. She was an older lady and home bound most of the time because of a bad heart. She taught me to crochet, embroider and sew when I was about 5 years old. I think it was her and Mama who made me a real homebody at heart.
As a teenager I would have to say Johnny. He shaped many of my ideas and taught me to always look for the good in people.
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Thank you Joyce and Ann
I forgot to mention that when I woke that morning on the train we were right along side of Mt. Shasta. Maybe that is why those memories were so strong yesterday.
Johnny never complained about anything I did but he was always telling me that I needed to slow down and learn to enjoy the simple things in life. I was learning from him but things just got so far out of hand so quickly. There are few colored leaves or evergreens here where I live sense the fire last year. It is only when I am rushing to work and between jobs that I see them.
Sometimes I wish I could just park somewhere and get lost in their colors for awhile. One of my biggest regrets is that I never learned that in time to enjoy more with Johnny. I spent so much time doing for him that I didn't spend enough time just being with him. If only I could go back
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One more thing that we all forgot to mention. In any relationship you can not suceed if you do not have self respect. I think that is the real key to happiness. If you do not respect yourself how can you respect anyone else or expect them to show you respect?
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Congradulations to you Kim. You have come a long way and I know how hard it must have been for you. Your mom will never truly be gone. She will always be with you and dispite his marriage she will still be with your dad. He needs someone and just be thankful that he found someone who is so good for him. He isn't replacing your mom he is just doing what he needs to do to survive. She is probably somewhere cheering for both of you
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I can not believe the things I am seeing. I had to speak up about it yesterday and have been thinking of writing a letter to our local newspaper but I wonder if it would do any good.
Everyone knows that OCTOBER was breast cancer awareness month
I stopped at the super market yesterday and I just got so frustrated and angry. There on the counter was still the breast cancer awareness sign and a cup for people to put their spare change as donations. I asked the girl who waited on me if no one knew that November is Lung Cancer Awareness month. She then iformed me that she wondered about that too because she had lost her mom to LC.You see no banners across the street. There are no places asking for your change for lung cancer research. No one pays attention. The only stories you see about it on the news are the quit smoking stories and adds. We all know that smoking is bad for us but it is time to move past that. Everytime someone does a story with the main focus on the link between smoking and lung cancer they are doing a disservice to those who are fighting the deasese because they are nurturing the idea that Lung Cancer is a smokers disease. The stigma will never go away as long as that continues
Not only are they harming those who are already fighting but the thousands of non smokere who will not be diagnosed until the later stages because they live in a world of false security thinkiing that they can't get it. How many are not even tested because those in the medical field who should know better have that same attiude that says if you don't smoke you can't have lung cancer?
We all know this is a false way to look at it but we are being ignored because of that. What do we have to do to get attention? I thought when so many celebrities died of LC that there would finally be a real look at lung cancer. That they would see people with Lung Cancer as people not just a disease that no one wants to know about. It just makes me so angry that this can continue.
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Today was a strange day for me. This time of year is just so hard when I am overwhelmed with the bad memories from 3 years ago. The last weeks of Johnny's life here on Earth.
This morning the rain had ended and the sky was that beautiful deep shade of blue that I have never seen anywhere except on the West Coast. As I was driving to work all around me were the beautiful fall leaves mixed in among the evergreens. I was remembering that fall with Johnny. Everyday we would go for a ride and I was just spellbound by the beautiful fall leaves. Living in Louisiana for so long I had not seen fall leaves for years.
When we went on those rides Johnny would laugh and tell me what pleasure he got in seeing how much I enjoyed those colors. One day he told me that he had lived in Washington for 40 years and never appreciated the fall colors until he started seeing them through my eyes. This morning as I saw those colors mixed among the evergreens that he loved so much all I could think of was that he should be with me to share what I was seeing. I asked him for a sign to let me know that he was with me. I wanted one of our songs to play on the radio or the smell of coffee to surround me but nothing happened. I was heartsick with disappointment.
This afternoon as I was going from one job to another I saw another beautiful sight. For the past few months Mt. Shasta has been almost totaly free of snow but this storm brought snow to the mountains and there it was in all of it's glory. Suddenly in my mind a was transported back to another day. Another aniversary that will be tomorrow. In my pain from the bad memories I had forgotten that aniversary was tomorrow.
Johnny and I had been talking on the phone for several months by then but we had not seen eachother in over 41 years. I awoke that morning on the train headed to see him for the first time. As the morning awoke the first thing I saw with first light were the colored leaves. We were along side a river and all of the beautiful leaves were like a painting and my spirits lifted. I was just so nervous. I had no idea what to expect when we were finally together after so long.
When I got off of the train and saw him for the first time in so many years I had no problem recognizing him. Other than his hair turning to silver and putting on about 50 pounds he looked the same. Then there was his walk. If I hadn't recognized him I could never have missed the way he walked.
There are no words that can discribe what it was like being in his arms again and seeing that light in his eyes. All of the years just fell away and any fear or doubt that either of us had was gone.
Seven months later I joined him to start our life together. Two days later he was in the hospital and within a week diagnosed with lung cancer. Despite his illness and all that we went though those were the happiest days of our lives. We had just 5 months together but every moment of those months were precous and filled with love. When I think how close we came to missing that time together it frightens me. I can not imagine us not having that special time. Every day was a special gift to us. A gift that no one or nothing can ever take away from us.
It has been nearly three years sense his death and I have lived in my own private hell for much of that time. All of the pain and frustration and all the strugles that I have had can never deminish the time that we had together. Our love for eachother still endures to this day. I know now that seeing that mountain with the snow on it again was my sign from Johnny. He knew just what I needed at that time. Once again he reached out to me to share those beautiful memories that not time nor death can take away from us. I know now that even when I don't get the special signs that I look for and when I don't always feel him as close as I want to that he is still with me. He is in the leaves of fall and the flowers of spring. He is in each special song that reminds me of him. He is in the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and above all his is in my heart and those precious memories.
Everyday I ache for him still. Some days are still so bad that I don't want to get up and go out to do what I know I have to do to survive. I don't want to keep trying to make a difference in a world that at times feels so hostile to me. Yet I go on because somewhere I know he is there to give me the strength and courage to face each day. So I life my cup of coffee and make a toast to the fall leaves and the blue sky and the evergreens that Johnny loved so much. Here's to you Johnny may all of your days be filled with color and laughter and love.
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I think that there is a main cause for all cancer. I also believe it takes something to trigger that cancer and make it set in and become the terrible disease that we know it is. I do belive that smoking is one of the triggers at least for lung cancer but probably our so called modern life styles play a major role in triggering all kinds of cancer.
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Unconditional love, trust and mutual respect. If you have these 3 things everything else takes care of itself.
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I got my high school diploma in 1980 after going to night school for 3 weeks. I was 36 years old at the time. I had the highest reading score that my teacher had even seen.
I also had a very distant ancester who died on the Mayflower while it was anchored at Plymouth.
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Wow this is my job and I didn't know about it.
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I lived 2500 miles from my mom when she got sick. I went for a visit not knowing how bad she was and ended up staying for over 2 months. If my husband and I wanted to leave for a while either my mom or my dad would suddenly have a problem. I really felt guilty because I was so far away most of the time.
I cleaned and scrubed and did all of the things Mama hadn't been able to do for a long time. After a while I needed a break but like your mom does you I always got the guilt trip. If I stayed home they both slept all day but they wanted me there. One night we were at my brothers house and my dad called. He needed us home right away because Mama was coughing up blood. He made it sound like it was really flowing. We all rushed home my brother as well as us only to find that it was the same as it had been for over a month.
I think when a parent faces their mortality they want to hold on to those who they feel closest to. In the process they end up causing a strain in your relationship. You have to do what is right for you. As you have already said this job is probably the best thing for your mom as well. She needs to get up and get moving. If you do everything she has nothing to do but sit and think about dying. Let her do what she is capable of and lend a hand when you have time.
Being under anyones control is bad for both of you. Go for that job and don't worry about your mom she will adjust. She will have no choice and that may be just what she needs.
Thank you
in GRIEF
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I am so very sorry for your loss.