lilyjohn
-
Posts
2,663 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Downloads
Store
Profiles
Forums
Gallery
Blogs
Events
Posts posted by lilyjohn
-
-
Boy this is a hard one. I can never remember having a disagreement with my dad. He was just there and he drank so he really took no part in raising me. I never really had a disagreement with my mom until later.
I was seventeen and had just been married for a few months. I was also pregnant. My husband got out of the navy and he made plans to move to Louisiana. Like a good little wife I never said a word just went along with the idea. I think maybe I thought it would be an adventure. My mom was heartbroken and she tried to get me to talk him into staying. I didn't listen. I look back now at all of the time spent away from my family and having to be seperated from my children and grandchildren just to get back home and I see how right Mama was. You know hindsight really is 20/20
-
First thing I would do would be to stay in my pj's most of the day. Take my time with my coffee instead of rushing. Then I would go to town and have a nice meal (if money were available) and then I would go to a movie. That night I would go to the casino (again the money thing) play a few slots and hopefully see a great country concert. Then I would come home and dream the night away about a time when I was really happy and not always stressed out about something.
It sure is nice to dream isn't it?
-
Congradulations Ann. Even tho you joined long before I did I will always be thankfull because I gained a very dear friend. Lillian
-
My dearest Johnny
In just one week from today at 4:55 am it will be three years sense I held your hand and watched as you slipped away from me. No one can imagine the agony your death and all of the years of seperation have caused me.
In just two short months it will be 47 years sense that night that we first found eachother. Can you believe that?
In my heart and in my mind you are still as handsome, talented and charming as you were that night when a young girl looked into your eyes and saw her own soul. Always my love. Always and forever!
-
First of all I will say that yesterday tho not a really good day was bearable. I took the lady I care for out to dinner at Marie Calendars. The dinner was great but it seemed so unreal, so unThanksgiving. Still it is the first Thanksgiving in 3 years that I have not spent alone. My "new normal" keeps changing.
Now to the vent. This morning when I woke up it was raining and I realized that I had slept much later than I should have. There would be no time to set with my coffee and wake up slowly. For over a week now an old back problem has been acting up. I not only have the sciatica pain down my left leg but something hurts in my right hip. Add a sore neck from having a crick in it a few days ago and I really didn't feel like going to work. Well not much choice there.
Then when I called the bank to get the amount of my check that was deposited it was nearly $50 short. Do you see a pattern here? I almost let it get me down and then I got mad! The mistake in my check will get worked out. I know that. What makes me mad is I feel like someone is doing a number on me. Wonder if it is my ex sticking pins into a voodo doll hoping I will fail so he can gloat?
I just can't help but wonder if someone is wishing bad things on me or if the devil is trying to undermine my faith or if maybe God is testing my faith. Well I'm not sure if it is my faith, determination or if I am just too damn stuborn to give up. I just know that I will not give up. I will keep working and trusting that God will get me through these bad times.
Second vent. Today I went to the lady who has so many problems. She was in bed when I got there so I sat a few minutes to read the notes from the other caregivers who went in my absense. That is when I realized that she spent the whold day alone yesterday. Her only company was a caregiver dropping by to check on her. She didn't even have a Thanksgiving dinner! Her son lives only miles from her. How much would it have meant for him to take her to his home and share his Thanksgiving with his mom?
This man is willing to do anything his mom needs. He makes sure that she has food in the house and us to take care of her. He even cut her hair Wednesday. Yet when it came to yesterday she was alone. The reason is simple I learned a while back that she doesn't get along good with his wife. This man is a minister. I just can't believe that he doesn't have the guts to stand up for his mom and take her to his home for a little while. If not that at least take a dinner to her and spend a little while with her.
I know I don't have the right to judge him. Maybe I'm not even judging him but myself. I think of all of the holidays that I spent so far away from my own mother, my family. We had to live where my husband wanted by his family. We had to spend all of the holidays with them. Not one time did I have the guts to stand up and say "alright now it is my turn, my mother's turn". God how could I have been such a wimp
I was thousands of miles away but this man is only ten miles. He just doesn't know how lucky he is to still have his mom alive. To have her close enough that he could go spend time with her.
Vent number 3. Today is the official start of the holiday season. For the next two weeks I will welcome the words "Happy holidays" and I will use them too. The week before Christmas that will change. I will tell everyone "Merry Christmas".
Years ago I worked with a young man from Iran. He had left there so he would not be forced to fight for the Iatola or have his family punished if he didn't. He was not a Christian and we all knew that and we respected his beliefs. When Christmas eve came he started telling all of us "Merry Christmas". I asked him why he would do that if he didn't believe in Christ and he said it was because we did. He respected our beliefs and wished us to enjoy our Christmas. That night when we got off work he had champagne to toast with all of us.
Now everywhere you go people only want to say "Happy holidays". It is politically incorrect to say "Merry Christmas". Well I say to hell with politics!
One of the reasons people came here and settled this country was to have freedom of religion. To be able to worship how, when and where they wanted. We are supposed to be guaranteed that right. Our constitution says that there should be a seperation of church and state. I can understand that. No one wants the government telling us how or when to worship. No one wants the church telling the government how it should be run. In the last few years that line has been crossed again and again by both sides. The paper it is written on is just about as useless as the paper that gives us the right to worship where , how and when we chose.
If a store does not want to offend anyone by saying "Merry Christmas" that is their right. I just find it much more offensive that they can just change it to "Happy holidays" and still profit from the ones who believe in Christmas and spend the most money
So this Christmas I will say "Merry Christmas" anytime I feel like it. I will not do it to offend anyone. I will do it because that is my way of expressing my beliefs while wishing others happiness. I don't expect everyone to believe as I do. I just expect them to give me the same curtesy that I give them. I expect them to respect my beliefs and my right to express them. If they can't do that it is their problem not mine.
So I got all of that off my chest and it sure feels good. Sorry if I offended anyone. That is never my intention. I just keep searching for the world that I know used to exist before it got so crazy.
-
Pat and Brian it sounds like you already had your Thanksgiving
You have so much to be thankfull for today. May you both have many more good days. Lillian -
First of all I want to thank all of you Katie,Ann, Nancy and Connie. It has been and is a rough time in my life but I have had them before and somehow I have managed to get through them.
Believe me Connie when I say that I have thought about all of the things you said many times in the past 3 years. I know that I grieve for Johnny all of the time and being seperated from my family especially this time of year is not easy.
Right now it is impossible for me to get any kind of counciling even if it were free. I just don't have the time. I work six or seven days a week and don't get home until nearly dark. I don't drive after dark because my eyesight won't allow it.
The two people who I would ordinarily talk to are actually part of my upset right now. My rock sense Johnny's death has been his niece Pam. She lost her mom last week and has a lot of her own to deal with. We try to help eachother but time and circumstances have taken their toll. The pastor and his wife are dealing with her cancer right now and things are not going well. I worry about them and would never bring up my heartache of those I have lost to cancer to either of them. It is just too close to their situation.
If I was ever to really go over the edge into the abiss it would have been right after Johnny died. I was alone in a place that I had only been for a few months. I had only been seperated from my family for a few months and it was the holiday season. I couldn't eat or sleep for months and had to make some very hard decisions. I was also fighting trying to get some justice for Johnny and running into roadblocks everywhere I turned. It would have been so easy to just give up but something kept me going. I know that it was Johnny's love.
For all of the years that we were seperated I never thought about him if I could help it. When memories of him came I pushed them away. It was just too painfull. Still somewhere deep in my heart I knew that he was out there somewhere and that he loved me. It was knowing that that gave me the strength to survive so many of the hardships and heartaches in my life.
Soon after his death when I found myself with the world pulled out from under me strange things started to happen. At first I thought that I was losing my mind in my grief. Then others started sharing some of those experiences with me. I could no longer deny them. That is when I first realized that like all of those years apart Johnny is still out there somewhere and he loves me. That gives me the strength to pull myself back from the edge time and time again.
Yes Katie my job at times can be a real emotional strain but it also gives so much back to me. I care a great deal for the people I care for. Helping them helps me. Sometimes that almost makes me feel guilty because they give me so much. I wish that I could afford to do what I do without pay but I can't. Instead I try to give a little extra hoping that will make up for all I get from them.
Life is far from perfect but each day I get something from my surroundings. I live in a very small and beautiful place. Last year fire swept through here and destroyed a lot but it did not take the beauty away. Each day as the sun rises over the mountains my heart rejoicies in the beauty of nature. I look for the changing seasons and in them I see the pattern of life. I know that despite everything I am blessed. With all of that, the people who have become my friends and all of you on this message board I have much to be thankful for. I know too that my family is well and happy and they love me. Add the knowledge that Johnny is never really far away and how could I not bounce back
So again I thank all of you. Your words mean more than you will ever know. God is good and life tho imperfect is much to special to miss out on. I intend to make the most of every minute.
-
No matter what our circumstances we all have something to be thankful for. Take time during this busy day to pass that along. Give someone a hug either in person or by phone. Let someone who doesn't get much attention know that you are thankful for them. It takes so little sometimes to make someone feel good about themselves.
God Bless all of you and here is my (((HUG)))to all of you. I am so thankful for you
Lillian
-
Love
My family
The new friends I have made
Life
The chance to make a difference to someone
Happy Thanksgiving everyone
-
Something happened yesterday and I had to think quick. At first I didn't know what to say but decided to say what I feel in my heart. I just hope it was the right thing to say.
I have a client who is almost 95. She is reasonably healthy. Her main problem is that she is going blind and she has early stage dementia. Most of my clients have moderate to severe dementia so they live in what I call a state of ignorant bliss. They just don't realize that anything is wrong with them. This lady is different she knows and that is part of the problem.
She had been talking a lot about death lately. Yesterday she asked me why she is still here. She feels that there is no longer a purpose for her life. She said that she knows that she is healthy and will probably live to 100 and she just can't understand why.
I told her that none of us really understand our reason for being here no matter how long we live. I said that I could only tell her what my beliefs are. I believe that we all have a purpose for every minute that we live. I believe that each person who lives will touch many lives no matter if they live only minutes. God has his reasons for us being here even tho we may not understand them. Sometimes we are here just because someone needs to love us or be loved by us. That can be enough reason by itself.
I told her that is why I believe so strongly that it is wrong to take a life under any circumstances. If a person dies even one hour sooner than God has planned for them they may miss someone they are supposed to touch. Gods reasons will be shortchanged.
She then asked what happens to those who take their own lives. That really put me on the spot. I'm not sure if that is what she is thinking or not. I just told her that I don't know but that person would be interfering with God's plans and He would probably not be too happy.
This morning I called her daughter and told her about that conversation. She told me that she has talked with her in much the same way but has never asked about a person taking their own life. She says that her mom has been her rock all of her life and she can't imagine not having her here but she feels so sorry for her. She knows how tired she is but she thinks that I used the right words that may help.
I'm just not sure if what I did was the right thing. I just don't think anyone should feel so useless. The things I told her are what I really do believe but I worry that they were just not enough. Please keep this dear lady in your prayers. It must be so hard to feel that you have outlived your usefullness.
-
Patty my heart goes out to you. It is hard to go one without your mother. Mothers shape so much of our lives and our thoughts. Just know that your mom is never far away. She is so much a part of you that she lives on through you and still somewhere where she is not sick anymore. Like Ann said that song "just one more day" really says it all. A million years would never be enough with the ones we love. We would still ache for them and want one more day especially this time of year.
Have a good Thanksgiving and know in your heart how proud your mom is of you. Lillian
-
Oh Karen I am so sorry to hear of your mom's decline. You will all be in my prayers. Cherish every minute that you have with her and make the holidays as special as you can for her and yourself. I know only too well how hard that will be but you have Faith and what a speical gift she is. May God Bless you and give you the strength that you need to endure.
-
Ann I think you already knew that this is special. Sometimes we just need someone else to confirm it. You and I have talked often enough about these things to not have doubts but for some reason we still do.
I really think it is this time of year. They know how hard it is for us to face those dates. As you know I have recently had things pick up again. I have not posted them because I have been so down lately that I didn't want anyone to think that I have really lost it.
Now I will tell you something new that happened just night before last. I was working an overnight. I woke up to go to the bathroom and I was conpletely surrounded by the smell of coffee. For those who don't know not long after Johnny died I was questioning what smell I would associate with him. The smell of fresh brewed coffee wouldn't go away until I acknowledged that it was Johnny. He always had a cup of coffee in his hand even on the last day of his life. I hadn't smelled coffee like that in a very long time. I have even been asking for it but it never came. Only when I was not waiting did I get what I asked for.
Like you I am counting down those last days and it is as hard now as it was the first year. Because of all of the other things going on in my life I have really needed something. I have no doubt that Johnny sees and knows and he is closer now to make sure I make it through this terribly hard time.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I think sometimes we all need to be reminded of just how close are loved ones still are
-
coffee smell
-
I have learned many things this past few years but two stand out above the others. I have learned what is really important in life is often the little things that we take for granted. I have also learned to respect myself. If you can not respect yourself you can not expect others to give you the respect that you deserve.
-
Absolutely not. I wouldn't want to be a man being a woman is wonderful. I know how I think if I was a man it might be confusing when I went back to being a woman
-
I didn't realize how angry I was until after I lost Johnny. My first reaction was determination. I wanted to give him everything that he had missed in his life. I also wanted to make sure that I was on top of everything. Later when the anxiety started I was lost. After his death I was angry at myself for losing patience at times. I also realized how angry I had been at his kids for not helping us or him before I got there. I'm afraid that I reacted very badly to their behavior and pointed it out to him. He didn't want to believe the way they were acting and I forced him to see it. I still have a problem forgiving myself for that. It didn't hurt them but him instead.
I still fight the anger especially when I see someone who is not treated right or given the respect that they deserve. I won't even go into the feelings his treatment have left with me toward the medical profession. That has gotten me into hot water more than once. Suffice it to say that I still fight that anger and even praying about can not ease it. The thing is I have learned to use the anger. I think it is because of that that I am a good caregiver. I am determined that the people I care for do not fall through the cracks like Johnny did.
-
I have bad days and good days. But there is never a day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have.
In this day and age when there is so much controversy and everyone wants to take God out of our lives I find myself turning to Him more and more in appreciation. How can anyone live in this world and deny that there is a God and that we have much to be thankful for?
We are all blessed with family and friends, some more than others. Each day the sun rises is a blessing. Every child that is born is a miracle. Could any of us have thought of something as complex as the human body?
With all the pain and disasters in this world there are still many positives. Those who lost their homes and loved ones in the huricanes have to be thankful that they still have their lives. The disasters brought the good out in a lot of people that had forgotten how to be compassionate.
The seasons change and remind us that everything has it's time. Spring is the time for new beginings and winter is a time for those things that will begin anew to rest up and gain the extra strength they will need to start new in the Spring.
How much would we appreciate the blue sky if we never saw anything else? How much would we appreciate joy if we had never known sadness or pain?
Look around you and you can see God in everything. Sometimes we don't understand His reasoning but He does have a reason for everything, a reason that we could not possibly understand.
So each day is Thanksgiving to me. I thank Him for my life and my loves. I have a great pain and sorrow that I live with but I would never have wanted to not know the gift of a love that brought me so much joy. So I thank my God even for the pain.
Just as I know that Spring will come again and that the flowers will bloome and the days will get longer I know that someday I will be with all of the people I love. I know when that day comes I will understand why the things that have happened in this life did. In that beautiful place there will be no more pain or sadness. There will be no cancer and no seperations. There will be no bounderies that seperate us from those we love either physical boundries or emotional ones.
So this Thanksgiving I will say one extra prayer that everyone will someday find that place of peace that God has waiting for us as our reward for the life we have endured here. I will also pray that more people will realize that no matter how bad things get there is still much to be thankful for.
May all of you have a great week and find something very special to be thankful for. They are all around us. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the bad things that we forget to look for the good.
God bless everyone and may you all find peace.
Lillian
-
This is truly wonderful Ann. It is something that we all need to learn, not only about ourselves but the way we look at others
-
Cindi have you ever taken Theophllyn for the asthma? It is a long term asthma medication and makes it easier to breath by relaxing the airways. Just a thought that you might want to try. Sounds like you have enough other things going on you don't need that SOB too.
-
I am feeling a little better today. It is a combination of several things that have picked me up a little. I'm still deeply grieving the loss of my friend and very worried about the pastor's wife who is really not doing well. She had a solid week of chemo and is home with white cells so low she can't have any visitors.
This time of year I have so many bad memories of Johnny's last days. Each date haunts me with those memories but today was the aniversary of a special day or I should say evening.
Johnny was a very talented man. He had a terrific voice and was able to write a good song about just about anything. Everyone who knew him when he was young thought that someday he would be a big name in Coountry music. For years he had not even listened to his music because his ex wife couldn't stand it and would give him such a hard time that he just gave it up.
While we were together I got him interested in country music again. He had heard a song by Travis Tritt one night on television and really liked him. I made up my mind that the first chance I had I would by him the CD.
That Sunday November 17th his youngest son was supposed to come for a visit. I was desperate to get to the store and get a few supplies. We were running out of everything encluding toilet paper. I couldn't leave him alone and there was no one to stay with him. We waited all day for them to show up and he was getting very upset because they were so late.
Finally about 4:30 in the evening they got to our home. I was really mad when the first words out of his mouth was an excuse to leave early. I huried to leave and do my shopping. I kissed Johnny goodby and then he stopped me. He gave me some extra money and told me to get a dozen roses. Six for him and six for me.
I was in Wall Mart shopping and just couldn't wait to get back to Johnny. I found everything we needed and the CD the last thing I picked up were the roses. On the way home I stopped at KFC and got us some fried chicken dinners. I was almost home when I heard sirens. I was terrified because on witnessing one of his anxiety attacks his son had told me that he wouldn't know how to handle one and would just call 911.
It seemed to take me forever to get through the traffic and home to Johnny. Everything was fine and his son left soon after I got home. We had our dinner and then I put the CD on.
We were sitting on our love seat holding hands and listening to the music. After about 4 songs played one came on that got his attention. He put the foot rest down and leaned forward. Then he had me turn the music up. With each line of the song he would squeese my hand and turn to me and say "that's you". The song is titled "I've seen everything".
I've seen everything
I've watched an acorn turn into an oak tree
I've felt the passion of a whippoorwill's call
I've seen a flower bloom in the dessert
But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all
I've seen the faces they chiseled in mountains
Marveled in wonder at stars when they fall
I've watched the sunset slip into the ocean
But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all
I feel so unworthy of all that you give me
I could die happy just knowing I am your man
I'm so undeserving I just stand here in awe
That a woman so true loves me like you do
Now I've seen it all
I feel so unworthy of all that you give me
I could die happy just knowing I am your man
'cause you find perfection where others see flaws
Yes a woman like you loving me like you do now I've seen it all
That was so typical Johnny. He was always saying that he didn't deserve me or the things I did for him. He had been treated so dirty for much of his life that he had no idea the value of his own worth. Despite all of the mistakes I had made and the things that I had missed that could have helped him there he was telling me those special words described me
Just 3 days later he entered the hospital and never came home. The memories of that night and that song are two things I will always treasure.
Remembering that this morning helped me get started. I actually kept waiting all day to hear that song on the radio even tho I have never heard it played anywhere except on that CD. Needless to say I was disappointed.
Then my boss called me. She is setting it up for me to have more time with my special lady. It seems that she will just not co operate with any of the other caregivers. Her son is concerned and wants us to spend more time with her. Sense she likes me and will work with me I will be going to her for more hours.
I got to her house today and she was much better than last Friday. We got her a nice long shower and I lotioned her face and legs and brushed her clean hair. She was in a great mood and glad to see me. I fixed her a big meal and she ate every bite. She has not been eating for the others. I found that the yeast infection that I worked so hard to clear up when I first started with her is back. I doctored it with some special medicine and am very glad that I will be there often enough to keep up with that. While I was working with her she repeated what she always says. She is 92 and she tells me that I am a good mother
I felt really good about her when I left and I had something else to feel good about. I have a couple of Saturdays comming up and some extra overnights. They won't solve all of my money problems but they sure will help. I guess I am paranoid because I keep wondering what will happen to take it away from me.
Any way I got home feeling better and when I walked it the door I had a real surprise. There was a very strong smell of roses in my house. I have no roses even blooming right now. It lasted for only a couple of seconds and I have told myself that I just imagined it but I know that is not true. I did smell those roses. Could that be Johnny telling me that he remembers too?
So tonight instead of sitting down here doing nothing I bathed Misty and then I cooked myself a good meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, greenbeans and stove top stuffing.
I don't know how long this will last but with all of those other dates lying ahead of me and so many people I care for suffering it was sure good to get a break. Maybe that will give me what I need to get through the next 14 days.
Thanks for putting up with me. I know that I am long winded or fast fingered, however you want to put it. Lillian
-
Compasionate, determined (like a dog with a bone I don't give up when I know I'm right) hard worker and dependable. I'm still working on patience!
-
Elaine it is so good to hear from you. I have often asked about you and no one really knew what was going on.
I am sorry that you have to deal with more stress but very relieved to hear that both you and your daughter are doing so well.
Your daughter not wanting to worry you sounds very familiar. Could it be like mother like daughter?
Take care Elaine and please don't be a stranger around here you are truly missed. Lillian
-
I want to thank all of you for your support. It is really not easy and I see another loss not too far into the future I am afraid. Our Pastor's wife is not doing well at all. I don't think the chemo is working. She is such a special lady but I guess cancer does not play favorites.
Pam is having good minutes and bad. She told me that yesterday she saw 2 crosses in the sky so that gave her some peace for a while. She also told me something that her mom said. Does it make sense to anyone?
Not long before she died she called her daughter to her side. She said "God is crying. They have killed the baby and God is crying".
After the funeral Pam will start legal proceedings. She is in the process right now of getting all of the papers together. She started before her mom died. I will give her all of the support that I can. I know what a hard road she has ahead of her. I have serious doubts that she will get justice but maybe someday someone will. Maybe it will be her.
I wish I could go to her funeral but she lives a couple of hundred miles from here. I can't afford the trip or to take time off. Pam understands and knows that my heart will be with them. Again thank you all.
Getting To Know You - November 30
in GENERAL
Posted
Superman or should I say superwoman? Then I could fly back and forth between my home and my family. I could have the best of both worlds.