[My Uncle and Aunt in Biloxi]

Oh Fay I am so very sorry that you have this worry. I am so fortunate because my family are all safe and their homes were spared. I will tell you not to give up hope. Communications are so poor in the area. My kids have their phones back up but for the most part they don't work. Cell phones are completely useless. My daughter can get through to me in California but not her brother across town. So it may just be a matter of communications that keeps you from getting news. I will pray that is the case. Do you know if they got to evacuate?

Our Minister is in pretty much the same state. He has an uncle who lives in Pascagula and cannot reach him or find any information. This whole thing is just so heart breaking. Let us know when you learn something please. Lillian

[Huricane Prayer request]

Sorry Donna my geography is a little off. I haven't been there in a while. We camped several times at the KOA on the Vancleave exit. From what I have seen and heard the damage goes far inland.

Now back to New Orleans. I have some very nostalgic pictures but I am also a realist.. New Orleans has a very large criminal element. I feel for everyone who is stranded there but I have no patience with the trouble makers. There is absolutely no excuse for what is going on there. It is terrible to say but I also suspect that some actually stayed behind because they knew they would have the oportunity to loot and cause this kind of trouble.

My big issue is why are they so slow getting the National Guard in there? They should have been the first to respond. Thousands of Louisiana National Guards are in Iraq. Seven members from the Houma area were killed last year. What happened to National Guard? They are the ones who are supposed to guard this country but when they are needed they are thousands of miles away guarding for someone else. I shudder to think if another nateral or other disaster happens in this country now. Don't forget there are still 2 months left of a very active huricane season.

We need to pray a lot but we also need to start asking some serious questions about our country's security at this time.

[Huricane Prayer request]

I meant the home of Jefferson Davis. It is next to the colisium in Boloxi

[Huricane Prayer request]

Goutier is right next door to Ocean Springs (inland a few miles. Ocean Springs is next to Boloxi. I don't know who wants to know about Goutier but I suspect they are pretty devestated as well. It can't be more than maybe 8 miles inland if that.

I watch the news and I just can't believe what I am seeing. I lived in Houma for 32 years. We often went to New Orleans and to the Gulf Coast. Everything I know seems gone on the coast and New Orleans is almost unrecognizeable....

I wonder what happened to the aquarium and Pat O'Brians where you can get the original Huricane drink or cafe Du Mond for coffee and begniets, St.Louis Cathedral or the Cabildo that just reopened a few years ago after a bad fire nearly destroyed it. Then the casino that they fought years to get and then took more years to build.

I heard that the riverboat Boomtown is gone as is the one in Kenner not far from the airport. The shop my sons work for is right next to the airport and when they left Friday they had no idea what was coming so nothing was prepared. I know it is underwater and wonder how they will work. Their work is important because they keep up the escape capsules for the off shore oil rigs. My son in law will probably have to get to work a different way because he usually leaves out of Vinice or Fucion and on is nearly gone and the other badly damaged.

I know all of these places and so many people who I know are displaced but there is no way to find out for sure. Talking to my children is very hard because the phone service is down in a lot of places and eveyone is seeking information about their families and friends so the cell towers that are working just can't handle it all.

Mississippi is another story. The casinos I have been in each one of them. Some to gamble and some just to see. The Grand in Boloxi is setting next to the colisium where the Holiday Inn was . It was there where my oldest son and his wife spent their wedding night. What really got to me tho was two oak trees that I saw on television last night.. 20 years ago we went on vacation to the coast. We stayed in a small motel and not far from their swimming pool was a wrought iron bench between two oak trees. I took a picture of my children setting there. It is one of those pictures that just seems so perfect. Last night when I saw the trees there was nothing left any where around them.

I wonder too about Wet Willy the water slide and small water park in Boloxi or the campground at Davis Bayou Gulf Islands National Seashore. Last year the other part of the park was nearly wiped out in Pensecola now this part is probably pretty bad. I remember how it was after George passed and he was just like a ripple in a pond compared to this. What about the historical home of Thomas Jefferson?

God I could go on all night. I never wanted to live there but I did and I can't forget the memories and as I watch what is left and what is happening to the people there I just can't stop the tears.

Most of all I wonder about the guys that work with my boys. Did they evacuate? I don't know how many live in New Orleans for sure. I know of one who is a close friend of ours and I'm almost certain that he home is gone but thank God they got out in time.

So much suffering can sure make you get things into perspective. Being tired or a little short of money just don't seem such a big deal anymore. I pray for all of these people and the ones who are worrying about them.. Please don't stop the Prayers they are going to need them for a very long time... Lillian

[Huricane Prayer request]

Thank you Don for letting us know about your family. I was working sense yesterday morning and haven't had access to my computer until now.

I spoke to one of my sons yesterday before they went home. Both of my sons got home today. They were all very lucky because they have only very minor damage. My daughter and her family stayed in Baton Rouge with my grandson. As I mentioned my son in law had surgery last Wednesday so they are staying there for a few more days. Three power companies provide electricity to Houma and all 3 are down. The one the provides for my daughter is located in New Orleans so no one knows when they will have power.

My two sons bought generators while they were in Laffeye so they have a way to save the food in their freezers and they are sleeping in their campers because they are using the generator for the air conditioners in the campers. The Houma area seems to have faired very well considering. A lot of fear but even some of the low lying areas didn't get the water expected. Had it not made that last minute turn it would have went right up Terrebonne bay and right over them....

I look at the places in New Orleans and Mississippi and it is as if I am having some kind of bazar nightmare. I know all of those places they show. I have been all over New Orleans. I stayed at both Grand Hotels in Mississippi and gambled in each of those casinos. I look at those pictures and there is nothing there any more. I went there a year after Camille and it was still very bad. I can't even imagine how it will look in a year this time.

I am so thankful that my family were spared but it breaks my heart to see so much suffering and to know that those places will never again be as I knew them.

[Huricane Prayer request]

I just have a minute before I leave for work. Thank all of you for your prayers and concern. I spoke to my daughter this morning she has been in touch with her dad he as well as my sons are at a campground in Lafeyete well away from the storm or at least the main part of it. They are all fine. They relayed reports from Houma. All who stayed behind (uncles aunts, in laws and grandfather) are alright. They have not gone outside yet but are reporting that all of the structures seem to be intact as far as they can see. They did spend a terrifying night and my daughter in law's mother says she will never stay again. I think a lot of people learned something from this experience. I certainly hope so.

So thank you again and continue to pray for those in harms was this is still a very dangerous situation. Lillian

[Huricane Prayer request]

You have mine Don. This is really bad. I spoke to my son about an hour ago they were on their way out and I am very relieved to know that my granddaughter and her husband are with them. They were stopped in the heavy traffic but even 100 miles away is good. They are heading Northwest so hopefully once they pass Morgan City the traffic will thin a little.It is really difficult because all cell phone lines are very busy. I am leaving in a few minutes to go to church. This is a day that many prayers need to be said for all on the Gulf Coast.

[Huricane Prayer request]

Thank all of you for your prayers. As you can see it is now a catagory 5 and that does not leave much hope for it getting low enough to not be a very dangerous storm.

Several years ago while I was still living in Louisiana they had given a warning that at Cat 3 or 4 making a direct hit could leave as much as 16 to 20 feet of water in Houma and Thibodaux. This is even worse than has been feared for years. Last year when Ivan was approaching the mayor of New Orleans had 10,000 body bags standing by. I shudder to think what this will do to the whole area New Orleans is especialy in jeopardy because it is surrounded by water and in places 16 feet below sea level.

I just spoke to my son a few minutes ago. They are packing and leaving too. They plan on heading West then North. The highway out (90) is already bumper to bumper. My ex and my youngest son were preparing to leave when I spoke to my granddaughter. My oldest granddaughter and her husband are not sure they are leaving. I just pray that they will decide to leave.

there will still be many left behind that I will be praying for.

I may be divorced but I am very close to my father in law and my ex's old aunt and she is always frightened by these storms and I know that she will not be leaving as well as my father in law, my son's in laws and so many people that I know and am concerned about. Please continue to pray.

This is going to be a major disaster.

I try not to think about all of the things that I left behind. There are just too many people to worry about. Still there are so many things of my parents that I had to leave when I left but I know you can not take everything. We had to leave for George when I was there and last year for the fire I had only minutes to grab things and once gone I thought of all that I had forgotten.

I did hear last night that the big fire on the other side of Redding is partly contained. Conditions are going to be worse for fire in the next few days so that too will play on my nerves. I know that I will really want a cigarette but I am hoping I will be strong enough to resist. This will really be a test of my resolve. Keep me and mine and everyone out there who are facing these disasters in your prayers as you are always in mine. Lillian

[Huricane Prayer request]

Please pray for my children and grandchildren. They are directly in line of that terrible storm. Some are evacuating but my oldest son has chosen to ride it out in his sister in law's new home.

My daughter and her family went to Baton Rouge to my grandson's apartment to weather it out. They couldn't go further because my son in law just had surgery on Wednesday.

My youngest son with his family and his dad are planning on leaving tomorrow morning and going toward Lafeyete. I am afraid that is not really far enough either but better than staying in Houma.

I am really very frightened. I am afraid this is the big one that we have been dreading for so long. South Louisiana is the most vulnerable area in the country for a major huricane. I just saw that the winds are now at 147 and it is a strong catagory 4. It could prove to be a major disaster and my family is there. All prayers will be appreciated. Lillian

[I thought I could stay, but I can't . . . .]

Oh Peggy please don't worry about us or anyone but you and Mike. This is your time a time to grieve and a time to come to terms with your broken heart. I won't tell you that you will heal but I will say that in time you will learn to cope better. That is really all any of us can expect when we lose someone who is so much a part of us. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. If ever you need to talk just send me a PM and we can arrange something.

Believe me when I say I could never have come to a place like this so soon after I lost Johnny. It takes time to really be able to deal with other poeple no matter how great they are or how wonderful their intentions. I wish you all of the best you can find and I wish you the time to grieve in any way that you need to. Lillian

[thoughts on so many things]

First of all I want to thank those who answered my last post. I am proud to say that I am now 12 days smoke free. Thanks Katie for the web site. I will try to get to it this weekend. It is not easy by any means but so far I am making it. My one worry is that I will gain too much weight witch I can not afford to do. Because of that fear I got out my old Weight Watchers books and am trying to pay attention to the points that I am using each day. I don't expect to loose any weight right now but I don't want to trade one problem for another.

I will say that I seem to have more energy sense I am not smoking. I can walk my dog after work and not feel like I am going to fall on my face before I get home! I also notice that my ankles are not as swellon as they were at days end. Those things alone give me extra incentive to stay smoke free.

I just read the post from the lady who is telling about her husband dying. I wanted to answer her but I don't know what to say. My heart breaks for her. I not only ache for her now but I know that soon she will join so many of us in this place where we stuggle to learn how to live again once we decide that we do want to stay alive.

Some other things have me bothered tonight too. When I got off work tonight I saw smoke. I found out there is a big fire burning on the other side of Redding. It is too far from here to be of danger to us but it brings back so many frightening memories from last year. I have been uneasy all summer. There is little chance for another fire right here where I live because there is little fuel left to bring a fire here. Still I can't help but feel a little uneasy of the really hot days when that wind blows so strong. I also know there are nearly 20 miles of forest between here and my jobs. Any day I may not be able to get home if the road should close. Because of that I carry an extra set of clothes in my car and leave a key so someone can care for Misty if I can't get home.

When I saw the smoke I thought about an older couple that I have spent a couple of weekends with. They live not far from where the fire is. I was a little uncomfortable when I stayed there last time because their home is surrounded by large trees. I pray that the fire does not move to where they are.

I watched the huricane and worried about my dear friend Ann and another of our friends who lives there. Now it is past them and I have to worry for a few more days. My children and grandchildren are in South East Louisiana.

My grandson started college Monday. My granddaughter did too but he moved from home and she didn't. He is going to LSU in Baton Rouge. He hopes to become a lawyer someday and maybe a politician (He said don't worry Maw Maw I will be a good one you would be proud of). Knowing him he would too.

My granddaughters boyfriend went straight from High School to the army. He is taking the same training that my youngest son did. He will be starting Jump School soon. He is supposed to start school when his training is finished but they are already telling him that they may just send him straight to Iraq. God what is this world comming to? Always so much to worry about.

My work is the one area other than my family where I feel more blessed each day. I have the best boss and she is so helpful and understanding. She makes sure to give me as much work as I want and can handle. She has me set up for a good winter schedule where I can be home very early before it is dark and still earn enough money to make a fair living. She is also planning on giving me one weekend a month that will make up for what I will be losing by working shorter hours.

The best part of my job is the people I work with. These people are just so special. Why is it that so many people shy away from people once they get old? They have so much to offer. They have lived through so much and they are willing to share what they know. We could do much worse than listening to them. Many of them have dementia but that does not take away from their past experience. They remember all of that very well. It is just what happened a minute of ten minutes ago that they can't remember. Don't people realize that some day that could be them? Maybe that is the problem. Maybe they are afraid to be reminded.

In the past 6 months I have met so many people who I can't help but believe that I have been led to. I have two ladies who have lost their husbands in the past few months and I can relate to them. They talk to me because they know that. We are both helped when we share. I have also had one client who lost his wife last year to LC. I have one woman who lost a son to LC recently and another who lost a daughter to LC not long ago. I also have one lady who is an 8 year LC surviver and is still NED. Three of my clients have ties to Washington. As I said once befor one ladies daughter lives right down the street from where Johnny and I did. Another lady has a son in Lacy right outside of Olympia and still another was born and raised in Washington and has strong emotional ties to all of the ares that I grew to love so much.

I guess I am just rambling tonight. Reading a few posts has just brought a lot of things back to me and it seems that I am feeling very nostalgic tonight. I keep praying to dream about my Johnny. No that is wrong. I keep praying to have a visit from him again. So many of the signs have stopped and that leaves me frightened. I want to know always that he is not so far away that I won't be able to find him when my time comes. All of my other dreams died with him. Being with him again some day is what makes my daily struggles worth while.

Sorry for going on so much. I just can't seem to shake this mood. I pray for all of you each day and I wait eagerly to learn about those who don't post any more. I am still wondering about Paddy. Has anyone heard from her sense she moved from California? How are you Karen? I wait anxiously to hear of Dean Carl, Keith and Carleen and Fay and also wonder about Bruce and Dolly. So anyone who has been missing lately and happens on this post please let me know how you are doing. My thoughts are with you as well as my prayers. God Bless you all. Lillian

[Strange Dream.....]

Well Ann I guess I will jump in here and let you know what I think. You know about many of my dreams so I won't repeat them here. It sounds to me like several things may be going on. First of all I believe that you had a visit from Dennis not just an ordinary dream. I also feel that there is something in your life that you are not happy with and don't know how to get out of it. You have always depended on Dennis to help you out of bad spots so you turn to him in your mind and heart. He sees and wants you to know that you have his support but he can not come back to you but can lend you support from where he is. He wants you to know that he sees everything but if you need to escape something it is up to you. He can't help in any way except by letting you know that he is watching and you have his love and support. Does this make any sense to you?

I had one dream that came over and over. It stopped for a while but Monday I had it again but it was a little different. I never see Johnny in the dream but I am always searching for him. I know he is out there somewhere but I just can't find him and I feel like I am running out of time. That if I don't find him soon I will never see him again. That dream alwys leaves me with mixed emotions too. I'm glad to have any dream about him but am always heartbroken because I can't find him and am afraid that I never will.

Be thankful Dennis is still watching over you. Lillian

[Wedding--So many emotions]

Last week I attended the wedding of my nephew's son. That led to a lot of emotions that I wasn't really prepared for at the time but I managed with only slighty more tears than a wedding would normally bring.

I had looked forward to and dreaded this wedding for months ever sense I got the invitation. The directions were for 50 miles North of Redding and 11 and a half miles up a road to the top of the mountain. Knowing the territory here and how much higher it is North of here I was not looking forward to that "up the mountain" part. I dreaded that part of the trip but never even thought about some other things that I would have to face until it hit me.

My brother stopped to pick me up and seeing him was good. I lived so many years not seeing my parents or siblings for years at a time. My brother is just a few months older than Johnny and I keep remembering when we were young. He was the one I always turned to but he is also the one who told me I was chasing a dream from my youth when I told him I was going to Johnny. So speaking about the emotions the wedding brought up was out of the question.

The first part of the trip is on the interstate and on the way I remembered the trip up to Washington on that same highway knowing that Johnny was waiting for me and that he was very sick at the time (3 days later I had to call 911 because he had pneumonia). It was so easy to imagine that he was waiting for me again and so heartbreaking to know that was only a dream and a trick of my emotions.

We checked into our motel in Mt. Shasta City right at the base of the mountain. The country there is breathtaking and those emotions were really starting to work on me before we made the drive to the lodge for the rehearsal. That was when the "up the mountain" came into play. The road is very narrow and "up" is the discriptive word. It took us 45 minutes to go eleven and a half miles and we were really never sure that we were on the right road. I tried not to look at the drop off on the side or think about the trip down that night in the dark. Just getting up there was enough to start with.

Now this is a road in the forest, a narrow winding road and it is fire season here in California. It was just a few days more than a year that I had to evacuate up a mountain road very similar to the one we were on, the only difference being that we had to go further but the road was wider. About one third of the way up this road we were on there were two fire trucks parked on the side of the road. Now I couldn't stop thinking about the fire last year and the road that we were on. The thought of a fire and having to go even further on that road was something that had my nerves on edge. I didn't realize how badly that fire had traumatized me until then.

I remained nervous about the road and the thought of fire each time we went up there, that first evening and the next day for the wedding. Once there it was a very beautiful place. A small lodge with 5 or 6 cabins nestled in the woods. The ceremony was outdoors in a small meadow and very beautiful.

Now back to some other emotions. I woke up the morning of the wedding thinking about the kind of wedding that Johnny and I would have had had he lived long enough. Those thoughts were in my mind when a train whistle caught my attention. It was almost more than I could take. The pain hit me like a hammer. The first time I went to see Johnny after so many years of seperation it had been by train. The morning of the day that I had arrived there I had awakened as we traveled by Mt.Shasta. I remember how beautiful the autum leaves were and the water rushing by in the river below. The train that I was hearing was that same train and the memory of that day stabbed at my heart.

The words of the wedding ceremony were not the traditonal words but those written by the bride and groom. There was nothing about obey but words about trust, sharing and growing together. Words that described so well what mine and Johnny's relationship was all about. I felt bad that I couldn't just see the wedding as a family celebration and enjoy it for that reason. I know that my mind should not have been wandering back to the past or to what might have been but there was no way to stop it. That leaves me wondering again if my life will ever be normal again. If there will ever come a time when I can have and experience that doesn't remind me again of how much I have lost. This ache for Johnny has become a part of me and I know that I will always live with it.

Now I want to update a few things. Everyday I see more and more how God works in my life. When I start to worry about something a solution always comes up with little or no effort on my part. Each day I thank God for what He has given me and each day I ask Him for what I need to get me through the day. He always comes through for me. I have been struggling with thoughts of my Fall and Winter schedule because I will have to cut my hours back. Driving up here at night is out of the question for me. I just can't see that well at night. I don't want to lose any of my clients nor do I want to get back to where I was a few months ago financially. Monday I talked to my boss and she has already got a tenative schedule for me. One that I never thought about that lets me keep my clients and not loose much of my income. It will also get me home by 4 or 4:30 each day. That will start in two weeks giving me time at home before dark for a few weeks to enjoy my home and yard. I know that God is taking care of me. Helping with the plans that I could never forsee on my own.

There is one more thing that I want to mention. Something that so far I am very proud of. I have not had a cigarette in 10 days!!!!!! It is not easy but this time I have made up my mind. I will not say that I am quiting. I know how weak I can be where they are concerned. I will just say for now that I am not smoking. Monday was one of the hardest days for me because I always looked forward to that first smoke when I got off of work. I also realized that was the only thing that I ever really do look forward to. I was so tempted to buy a pack but I resisted and came home. There are no stores here so I got past that day and yesterday I found no temptation. So now I stand at ten days smoke free. Please pray for me that I will not lose my determination.

I am looking forward to my shorter hours hoping to not only catch up on some things around home but also on reading the messages on this board. I feel like I am lost when I try to read because there are so many new people. In the mean time I just want all of you to know that you are never far away from my thoughs and always in my prayers. Lillian

[Getting to Know You....Tuesday]

Lobster has to be number one then has anyone ever heard of Chinese-Mexican? I can't decide between the two!

[I Always Thought.......]

I always thought that when I put Johnny out of my mind so many years ago that I would never see him again. I thought that I had put him out of my heart as well but God knew better. He had plans for us that I could never have foretold.

I always thought that I would never love again so deeply as I had loved Johnny as a young girl but again I was wrong. That love was only the bud of the full blown bloom that we knew many years later.

I always thought that I would never be able to make it on my own. That I was weak and incapable. I know now that I have a strength that I was never aware of, a strength that Johnny saw and was proud of.

I always thought that no matter that I couldn't have him in my life and we were many miles apart he would always be out there somewhere loving me and giving me the courage to face what life threw at me. I could never imagine a world without him in it.

So many things that I always thought turned out to be wrong and I am so thankful forI was given the gift of a second chance. A chance to learn that sometimes God has plans for us that we would never suspect. That sometimes the best is left for another time. A chance to learn that where love is concerned there is no time nor measure and no real death but only eternity.

[Question- Don't laugh I'm serious]

I have a question. Can dogs have psycosamatic illness or injuries? Let me tell you what happened with Misty this past week. I know she is smart but is she that smart or can it be psycosamatic?

I have to be gone from home a lot. Some days I am gone nearly 12 hours and on some days I don't come home because I have overnight jobs after my day is done. Misty spends a lot of time alone.

Every once in a while she gets her claws caught in the carpet. Sometimes that is because she paws at it like she is making a bed, other times it is because she gets an itch and nearly stands on her head biting her butt and her claws dig in. Cutting them does no good. She still gets caught and she panics and starts jumping around and hollering. I always worry that it will happen while I am at work.

Last Friday when I got home she was hurt. When she went down the steps she cried out and I thought she had a burr in her foot. Her nail looks like it was out too far so I assumed that she got it caught and that was what was hurting. The next day she didn't want to go down the steps so I carried her. She walked very slowly and would cry if she moved the wrong way. I decided that maybe she had strained her shoulder or something.

That night she was better and walking like nothing was wrong. The next morning she was walking with her head down and barely moving. I was really worried about her. All week that went on. One time she was fine and the next time she wouldn't go down the steps and acted as if she could barely walk. Needless to say I was stumpted and worried about her each day while I was gone.

When I got home Wednesday night she met me at the door excited as always and ready for her walk. She ran down the steps and nearly ran on her walk (she was on the leash and I was not running after working all day). All evening she was fine.

The next morning she was fine that is she was fine until she saw me get my clothes out for my shower and my bag for my overnight job. Instantly she was walking with her nose nearly on the floor and very slowly. When she lay down I saw her watching me. She did not have that same dull look in her eyes that she did for the first few days. I said " there is no way. You are not fooling me". Does it surprise you to know that she has been fine sense then?

I know that she was hurt at first but what I wonder is can she be smart enough to think that she can control me and keep me home by acting that way or is she upset because I am leaving and her hurts just automatically start?

Oh I have to tell you ladies something. I got a chance to go to a play today. One of the ladies I work for got tickets from her daughter for us to go. I felt bad about leaving Misty and even a little guilty because I always have so much to do when I am off. I decided that I need something besides work so I went. The show was brought here by the ladies of the Red Hat Society. It is called "Big Purple Undies". It has been a very long time sense I have laughed so much. I think it was just what I needed. If you get a chance and need something to take your mind off of things go see it. You will not regret it and men can go too if they are brave enough.

It was an extra treat to me because it took place in the old renovated theater and that was a real experience to even go there. Lillian

[Two years today]

Shirley I know how hard the aniversaries are and I think your sentiments are beautiful. If not for my faith I don't know where I would be right now. Probably still as lost as I seemed to be most of my life. Bless you and may your life always see the beauty and love that brings you joy. Lillian

[Updated 8/6/05 Don is gone]

Oh Peggy I am so sorry to hear this terrible news. I know there are no words that can ease your pain. I just want you to know that my heart and prayers are with you. Lillian

[decision]

I want to thank everyone for your kind words. Believe me when I say they mean a lot to me but you have to know I am only doing what I have to do. Going where life leads me. If tomorrow I had the chance to give it all up, even as important as my work has become to me, and have Johnny back with me I wouldn't even have to think twice.

I first came to this board nearly two years ago. I was so lost. Several months had passed sense Johnny's death. I could no longer tell myself that I was in the midst of a nightmare and would wake up. Everyday the reality of my nightmare was hammered home. I was so angry and so outraged. For months I had done reasearch and written letters. I had filed complaints about Johnny's treatment and the way he had died. That day I had recieved another denial to my claims against one of the hospitals. They didn't deny what they had done to Johnny. They just excused it all because he had lung cancer. To make it even worse if possible they had claimed that what they had done to him was ethical and humane. I am so sorry but when someone deliberately takes another life there is nothing ethical or humane about it, especially when that person has made it clear that he is willing to go through anything for a chance to fight for his life.

All I wanted to do at that time was tell our story. I wanted people to know what had happened. Part of me wanted to make people aware that those things do happen and what to watch out for but I know too that I wanted revenge. I wanted to tell enough people so that someday word would get back to them and they would know that they really hadn't gotten away with anything. It took me a very long time to get past that even now I am not sure that I am really past it. I want Johnny to have justice and that is the only way I see it can happen.

There were so many times I just wanted to give up. I was struggleing to make a living and I saw nothing in life to look forward to. I just wanted to lay down and cover up my head and forget that I was alive because life was nothing but pain. It was out of desperation that I started reading the posts here. It was those posts that helped me to realize that I just couldn't give up for so many reasons. There were so many brave people here fighting the battle of their lives. That reminded me of how Johnny had never given up and how much he had given to me, the chance for a new life. How could I give up when he faught so hard, when he wanted so much for me? How could I give up when so many were going through so much and not giving up?

Slowly my focus started to change. I was still angry and frightened. There were so many strange things that had happened to me after Johnny's death that I thought I was losing my mind. I started to read about other's experiences and understood that I was not alone. That things happen that we can not always explain away. I began to relate to people and something at work made me realize that God is with us and that Johnny really is in a better place. I learned that my life had given me so many experiences that I could easily relate to many people. I also knew that there are so many people that no one ever listens to any more. People who have a whole life full of experience and all they want to do is share those memories with someone. I let myself become the one who listened. I gave to them what I would want someone to give to me. It is in that way that I have found the real way to give Johnny's death meaning other than the memories that haunt me and the terrible pain that I live with.

So now I just do my job. A job that for some reason God has chosen for me. I don't know why He has chosen me. I have made so many mistakes in my life. I have a bad temper at times and I have a sense of injustice that can set me off and make me fighting mad. Why would God choose someone like me to do something so important? But I know that everyday God walks with me and guides me. Who am I to question His wisdom even if I do feel so inadaquit?

Everytime I meet someone who has lost their soul mate my heart aches for them and myself. It is different for each of us and no one really understands exactly how we feel but there are just so many things that we do share. So many things that we all go though. I hope by listening and sharing my own heartache I can help them feel that they are really not alone because that is the one thing that is the most frightening. The feeling that you are so alone because no one can possibley know or understand your pain.

So once again I thank you for your kind words. I thank you for being there with me when I hit bottom time and time again. But most of all I thank you for being the kind and caring people that you are. The only kind of people who could have made this such a special place. Lung cancer may have turned all of our lives upside down but it didn't win because we really are all survivers!

[decision]

Hello everyone!

I have been away for awhile. Not far away but away from this board. That has not been by choice but simply because I just don't have the time to come here often. When I do come I search for news of the people I know. My time is so limited that I am afraid that I am not up to date on all of the new people. There are so many that I get lost just looking and I am overwhelmed by the numbers. It seems that the monster is still alive and well.

I seriously considered dropping off of this board for a couple of reasons. I just don't have the time to offer the support that I wish I could but there is another reason that really made me stop and consider dropping out. I know maybe better than anyone how important hope is in the fight against LC. Sometimes that hope is very slim and I would never want to be responsible for anything that would shake someones hope and determination.

Most of you who have been around for awhile know my story. I have some pretty strong views because of my personal experience and no matter how much I would like to help I represent a battle that was lost. My Johnny did not survive. Semse his death I have learned a lot and had hoped that what I have learned could help others but I may have went about it the wrong way. I have been intent on telling people what to watch out for and sometime that is just not what people want or need to hear.

Never the less I have decided that I just can't leave here. Everyone here and what this site represents has become very important to me. Leaving here would be a big loss for me and I still feel that I do have something to contribute now and then. Having said all of that I will give you an idea of what is going on in my life now.

Right now I am facing the 3 year aniversary dates of the first weeks that Johnny and I were together and his diagnosis. That is not easy but I am so busy that it is more manageable that it would be otherwise. I have been working many hours a week. I work all day each week day and often do overnight or weekend jobs. Most of my work is light housekeeping and helping with personal care for older people who have dementia. It is not a physically hard job except for the hours and the driving that I have to do but it is a very draining job mentally and emotionally. For some reason I seem bo be in demand a lot and my boss knows that I need the work to make a living. It all works out for me and I get a lot extra from what I do.

I still have to one lady that I wrote about a while back. I now have her on a steady routine of showers and personl care. She is doing much better and now accepts other caregivers. She has still not come far enough to shower or change clothes for anyone else but I am working on that with her because I have been cut back to only one day a week with her starting next week. Her son is concerned that her insurance will run out in 3 years. Considering she is 91 that doesn't exactly seem like something he should be worrying about but that is not my decision to make. I just do what I can for her in the limited time that I do have.

I have also learned to not worry about making a living. Sometimes I will lose a client and wonder how I will make ends meet than something else comes along. I have learned to just do the work the best I can and trust God to handle the schedule for me. It always works out. More than ever I feel that I am exactly where I am meant to be and doing what I am meant to do. So many things have happened that just can not be coinsidence. Is that why my life has taken the twists and turns that it has in the past 5 years?

I want to relay a couple of situations that will show what I mean. About a month ago my boss got a new client. This lady just wanted a companion once a week. Someone to talk to and go a few places with her. She just moved here a year ago and knows very few people. What I learned when I met her was not only surprising but makes me feel that I am being gently guided. I found out that this lady moved here from the area that I grew up in. The town where my brother and the many of my family members still live. We have so much to talk about because of that. Then to top it off she told me that she is an 8 year LC surviver! She had part of one lung removed and followed up with chemo and radiation. So far NED. Could my meeting her have be coinsidece?

I was going every other week to do some vacuming and mopping for a lady who can't do it any more. About 2 months ago her husband had a heart attack and my job ended. Last week I was sent back to her. I learned that her husband died not long ago. When I got to her house she told me that she had just gotten back from visiting with her family in Washington and there was really not much work to do. Instead we sat and talked for the 2 hours that I was there. She just needed someone to talk to and I guess I did too. Maybe it is because I can relate to a person who has lost their soul mate that I can get them to open up to me. The first thing I always tell them it that I will not tell them that I know how they feel because it is different for each of us. That seems to be what we all want and need to hear and it is much easier to talk once that is said. Not only did I learn that day that her daughter lives in the same town that Johnny and I did but just up the street a few blocks from where we lived. Once again I have to ask can this be coinsidence?

I was asked to do a special job yesterday morning early. It meant leaving home at 7 in the morning and not getting back until nearly 7 last night. I worked 9 hours plus driving time. On all of my 4 jobs I had just minutes or a half hour to get from job to job. I needed the money and as hard as it was something told me to take the job. You see this lady just lost her husband and needed someone to just clean her bathrooms. Once there I found out that her husband had just died last Thursday. The funeral is today.Before I got started we talked for a while and that is when I learned that just a few months ago she lost her son to LC. She too has many of the same questions that I do. I left her my phone number for when she needs someone to talk to and I told her about this board. She is still in shock from her husband's death but even now she is not past the painful days of her son's illness and death.

Can all of these things really be called coinsidence? I really don't think so. I feel that for some reason I have been chosen to do what I am doing. I feel that all I have suffered has been to prepare me and get me to where I am now. Does that sound too far fetched, to much egotistical or could I be right?

So I have learned that I do still belong on this board. I may not have a lot to offer those who are still fighting but I can relate to those like myself who are still reeling from the lost of someone so dear to them. I still think about all of you and pray each day that someday soon the monster will be conqured. I want to be here when that day comes to join in the celebration. In the mean time please let me know if anyone has heard from Paddy sense she moved and if you know how Norme and Dolly are doing. There are so many other sisters in pain that I worry about. My heart goes out to all of you.

I may not be around as much as I would like to be for a while but my thoughs and prayers are never far away. God bless and keep you all. Lillian

[There years and it seems like yesterday]

Where do I start? I have so much on my mind and in my heart that I need to share it with someone so I come here to the one place where I know there are so many who can relate. So many who understand. I feel guilty coming here when I am in need because I come here so seldom now. I wish I could be here every day to lend support but the truth is I just don't have the time. I work long hours often leaving home at 7 or 7:30 in the morning and not getting home until 7 or after at night. Two nights a week I don't even come home. After my other work is done I stay the night with a client who can not be left alone. My schedule now means less driving but also less time at home. So please try to understand that I am not staying away deliberately.

I am so saddened to hear of David C's death and that Katie and her family are having to do battle with the beast again. I'm afraid I learned these things second hand (thanks Ann for keeping me up to date). There are so many people I know who are fighting one kind of cancer or another right now and more that I have met who have recently lost someone to the monster. It makes no sense that with all of the money that is supposed to be going to research that cancer seems to be growing instead of declining. Maybe that is because it is a multibillion dollar business and that gives no real incentive to find a cure.

My job keeps me very busy and I am proud of what I do. I feel that I make a difference in the lives of the people I work with. That is so important to me. I want to give these people all of the love and support that I would want if I were them and all of the love and support that Johnny so desperately needed but always seemed denied until we were together. I try not to think of the bad days, to not let the memories get to me. It works pretty well most of the time keeping busy but deep down there is always that ache that never really goes away. I'm sure many of you can understand that. The nights are always a different story. It is then when I can relax that I know that I have not healed and never really will.

Each night a thank God for what he has given me and for the time that Johnny and I had together. It was so special despite his illness. I also pray that Johnny will come to me in my dreams but if he does I never remember when I wake up. I have been having one recurring dream and it half way excites me and frightens me at the same time. I just can't understand what it means and I am so tempted to act on it sometimes that I fear if I do I will really be going over the edge. The dream is always the same. I dream that I know that Johnny is sick but he has gone away because he doesn't want me to see him so sick. He doesn't want to be a burdon to me. I am desperate to find him before it is too late and somehow I know that if I can just remember his old phone number and call it he will be there. I always wake up trying to remember that number. I called it so many times before I went to him but it just eluded me for so long. About a week ago I awoke remembering that phone number. I have been so tempted to dial it but I know that it is crazy thinking that he would be there. What is even crazier is that sense remembering the phone number the dream has stopped.

As I said earlier I do ok from day to day but then a day like today comes along and I know that I am only fooling myself when I think that I am starting to heal. The pain is just as raw as it was on December 2,2002, two years and seven months ago today that my Johnny left this world. In some ways it is even worse because then I was in shock. I felt his death was a nightmare and I would wake up. I don't have that any more. Now I know that his death is reality, the nightmare that I live with every day. So I come here to the family I have here. To this place where I know there are people who can relate. People who understand what so many others never can.

On July 3,2002 I finally got to Johnny so we could start our life together. I found him where I knew that he would be alone, sick and frightened in a motel room about a mile from his house. He had left his home because something there had overpowered him and taken his breath away so badly that he was afraid that if he stayed there it would kill him. He had been staying at his son's house for nearly a month and when they left for vacation they dropped him at home. He was so sick and really should not have been left alone under any circumstances but it was much worse. He lived seven miles from town and had to take a bus to get to the store. The bus stop was a half mile walk from his home. Even worse it was the weekend and if he could have walked it the buses didn't run on the weekend. He had no food in his house.

Finally a friend took him to the motel and delivered food to him(they owned a small local resturant). He was in the motel from Saturday until I got to him on Wednesday. I took one look at him and knew how sick he was, I suspected pneumonia but by the next morning he seemed better. He said having me there was healing him. It was later that day when we went back to his house so I could get some things he needed when we learned that all 3 of his sons and their families were camping less that a quarter mile from him house. They knew he had been sick, that he had no way to get groceries yet he had been missing from his home for five days and they didn't even know or bother to try to find him if they did. They knew the day I was supposed to get there so they couldn't have thought he was with me. I have tried so hard to forgive and to have a good relationship with his kids but memories like that are just so hard. I get so angry. My God how could they be so cold?

We went to his sons house on Friday the day after the 4th. That night I had to call 911 and Johnny was taken by ambulance to the hospital. I can still hear him begging me to hurry. " Hurry Honey I need you with me, please, please hurry." Then there was the wait in the waiting room. I sat there alone because they wouldn't let me go to him. Every thing I ownned was in my car. I was in a strange place and the man I loved for most of my life was in a room a few feet away and they wouldn't let me go to him because they were working on him. We had been together a little over 48 hours I didn't know if that was going to be all of the time we would ever have!

When they finally let me go to him the first thing I saw was his smile. He was on oxygen and his breathing had stablelized. Just as I suspected he had pneumonia. I went to him and kissed him then sat in a chair by the side of his bed. Later they took him to a room. I spent 4 days in that chair by his bedside and later another 2 weeks while he was in rehab sleeping in a recliner next to him. He wanted me close and told me that he could only sleep with me holding his hand.

We went through the process of tests and the fear and hearache of the diagnoses. We handled all of those things together. It was a rough time but I would never have wanted to be anywhere else at that time but with my Johnny. I found us an apartment and when he was released on July 23rd we finally started our life together 43 years late. There are so many memories. So many good and so many bad. It makes little difference on a day like today because every memory is painfull. Every memory cuts at my heart like a knife. But Dear God how would I ever survive without those memories?

[Anger Issues]

We can argue back and forth about the evils of smoking. I think it is time for a reality check. At this stage what difference does it make to your mom? It matters little now if her cancer was caused by smoking or not. The reality is she has lung cancer. Nothing is going to change that unless a cure is found or she is one of the lucky ones who beats it.

I understand that you are angry and I understand your fear and frustration but the question I have to ask is what good is all of that doing your mom? It doesn't matter if you don't show her your anger. She is your mother and like Elaine said you don't have to say anything for her to know. You can't hide it no matter how hard you try.

Take the energy you are using gathering all of the information about smoking and put it toward helping your mom. Learn all you can about her cancer and the kind of cancer that she has. Research the things that are associated with it. Things like shortness of breath or the feeling of being short of breath( not always the same thing) learn about Acute respiratory failure blood gas inbalance and what causes it and about anxiety and depression. Does she have the best doctor what kind of record does her doctor have in treating her kind of cancer? How does he interact with your mom? Those things are important. You can have a really good doctor but if they know a patient too well they start taking things for granted. That leads to missing things evem little things that can be important.

What kind of medications is she on? What are they for and does she really need all of them. I'm not talking about chemo drugs but other things. Research those drugs and learn about the side effects and what should not be mixed with what. When a person has lung cancer doctors don't look at those things but as a family member you can and should. You want your mom to be comfortable but you don't want her life to be ruled by both cancer and drugs that she does not need. They can destroy a person's quality of life as much or more than the cancer. They can also at times lead to an early death. Believe me. I know only too well.

The point I am trying to make is to let go of what is in the past. You can't change that but you may well be able to make a diffence in the future. Your mom needs you. Give her all you have while you can and let the energy you spend on all of that anger help you do all that you can for her while you can.

I pray that for both of your sakes you can let this issue go and concentrate on what is important now. Your mom's care and your love for her.

[Hi, this is Karen]

I just learned about Dave passing and I want to let you know that my heart goes out to you, Faith, Becky and all of your family. May you find the strength to get through the days and weeks ahead. I know that right now you are on automatic, going through the motions and getting things done. I think that somehow that numbness is a defense that our minds use to protect themselves. It gives us time to do what is needed until we can really start to grieve. You are doing a great job of handling things and of helping Faith through this time. The pain will get better someday but I must warn you that it will get worse for a while when that numbness wears off. Just go with it, let yourself grieve. God will give you whatever you need to see you through. You will be in my prayers.

[Anger Issues]

I have been away for awhile and your post is the first that caught my eye. I too have some comments.

First of all like the others here I know that there are other causes of lung cancer besides smoking. At this stage it matters little if your mom's cancer was caused by smoking or not. She has lung cancer. Can you even begin to imagine what SHE feels like? Don't you think she has beaten herself up time and again for smoking? Your anger just gives her one more thing to have to deal with. One more thing that she does not need and will do you both more harm than good. Lose the anger or redirect it in to something worthwhile.

Start a petition to try and get the states that won all of that money from tobaco companies to put it back to the people that they used in order to get that settlement. Get people to demand that the money be spent to give people the help they need to quit cost free. Demand that the money be spent on research not only into treatments and cure but to find the other causes of lung cancer. The anger you have can be used for good things but you have to direct in toward the right things not your mom.

I will tell you that I watched two people that I loved with all of my heart die. My mom who died of lung cancer and my Johnny who was the love of my life died after being diagnosed. I have serious questions about the cancer diagnosis but I know for a fact that he had COPD and there is only one cause of that. Smoking. Still after all it has cost me I smoke. I have tried everything to quit and have come close but I never quite make it. Cigarets are one of my crutches. They are there when I am loney, scared or tired. They never leave me alone and they never make me feel like I am less than I am. Without the cigarets I would be done in by my other cruch, work. I would work until I fall on my face but at the end of the day it is the thought of finally relaxing with a good smoke that makes me stop. Is this bad for me? Your damned right it is but it is how things are and who is to say witch is worse for me?

I knew a man related by marriage he was in his mid 80's. He had a very bad heart and a pacemaker. Everything he had done all of his life had been lost to him. He couldn't work or work in his garden. He couldn't eat the things that he had enjoyed all of his life. The only thing he had left were his cigarets. He knew that he wouldn't live long because of his health so when the doctors told him that he had to quit smoking he asked them a simple question. What are they going to do kill me? Think about that. How much time do you think quiting now would give your mom? Is it really worth the agnony of battleing to quit while she is battleing this disease that is eating at her? Give her a break leave her alone and leave her with at least one thing that she enjoys.

When you lose someone you love for any reason there is always a certain amount of guilt. No matter how much you love that person or how hard you tried to save them or make them comfortable the guilt is there. That anger is setting you up for a guilt that will play havoc in your life when your mom is gone. Believe me I know. I was never angry at Johnny. I was angry at his kids and with good reason but my anger cost me to miss out on some good days. It also caused Johnny to worry about me and that made his anxiety worse. The very thing that I was angry at his kids for and I didn't see it until it was too late.

When he died I was so angry and before then I was afraid. Fear breeds anger. I was angry at everyone encluding myself and I just couldn't admit that I was angry at God but I was. The thing is just being angry at Him proved my faith that I believe in Him and he has big shoulders he can handle it. He loves me enough to do the one thing that I can't always do and that is forgive. If there is one thing that I have learned it is that to forgive does not mean that you have to condone. Just open your heart and love your mom while you can with nothing held back for any reason because once she is gone it is too late to wish that you could do things differently.

[need to ask for your prayers and update]

Those of you who have read my post in the grieving forum know that I have been very busy and don't often have time to come here anymore. I feel very badly that I don't have the time to offer the supportive words that are needed by so many and to welcome the newcomers. Truth is I just don't have time. I try to come everyday or so and check for any news but there are just so many new people that I get lost trying to read the posts.

I am working 6 to 8 hours a day and in addition because of where I live I spend at least 2 and 1/2 to 3 hours driving every day. Today is the first Sunday I have had the whole day off in a month. I have had one Saturday off but spent it working catching up my house and my yard. Needless to say by the time I walk my dog and grab a bite to eat at night I am too tired to do much of anything else. I think of all of you all of the time. You are all always in my prayers even if I can't take the time to tell you so. Rick I was very relieved that by the time I read about your scare it was over and you knew that your problem was not as serious as you first feared.

I am still very anxious to learn about the other people on the board who have been here long enough for me to have gotten to know them. So again I ask if there is any news on Dean, Elaine, Carleen and Kieth and so many others please someone let me know. I also think about Norme often and Shirley and Dolly and many others. My mind is just so full of names but at the moment I can't recall them all.

I feel bad asking for prayers when I have not been here as often as I would like to be but so many people I love are in medical crisis now that I need to ask for them. This has really been a tough week.

I had posted a while back that the doctors thought Johnny's only remaining sister had pancreatic cancer. Last Tuesday she had surgery and the good news is that instead of cancer she had an abcess on her intestine. That is the good news now the bad news just seems to over shadow the good. She has a spot on her lung they want to biopsy as soon as they can build her up a little. It is small so hopefully if it is cancer she will be operable.

Her's and Johnny's sister in law who is my oldest friend had a masive heart attack Thursday morning. She is on life support. They suspect that she has a blockage somewhere and an infection because she is filling up with fluid. Exploritory surgery is out because of the heart attack right now. Her brother is married to Johnny's sister Irene. In the past year and a half he has had heart by pass surgery twice. Needless to say he was under a terrible strain worrying about Irene. When he learned about his sister's heart attack he had to be rushed to the hospital and was not doing well. Now they are all three very ill and in 3 seperate hospitals. This family has been through so much! I jus don't know why things keep going on like this. They need all of the prayers they can get. I have seen so often how much the prayers from all of you have helped so I ask you to remember these people and this family in your prayers.

I guess I need to add 2 more to this list. I have a neighbor man who is 92. Friday morning he drove himself to the hospital at 2am. He has a bowel obstruction. Our pastor's wife who is a 4 year stage 4 Uteran cancer survivor with NED has had serious blood clot problems with thickening of the blood suspected of being from the radiation destroying some of her viens. Now she has what they are saying is Diverticulitus. She is not doing well at all. Of coarse tho no one mentions it the big "C" word is on all of our minds.

I hate to bring such bad news here. I know there is always more than enough here already but everyone here has become my other family so I ask you to pray for these people and I know that you will. Bless all of you and please let me know how everyone is doing. I just don't have the time to read all of the posts to search for news.

Love Lillian