regarding my mom

[shelliemacs]

Well I gave in and told my mom that if she wanted to stop treatment then she should just do it. I told her to tell her doctor that she just would not be coming back and see what happens. I told her maybe the 5 rounds of chemo were enough and your in remission.

I did what I said I would never do....for two days I lost it in front of her. Since she told me Wednesday night that she didn't want to go through anymore I simply have hit rock bottom. I cant get any lower into depression. I can't do anything but bawl. I have severe headaches now and chest pains that I am hoping are stress.

Funny thing though I think I made her feel guilty. I had to leave her house two times because I could not regain control and when I went over Saturday morning she was either putting on an act and seemed a little more.....not so gloom. OR I really turned the tables and gave her the guilt trip and made her want to fight on. I am a little ashamed if its because of me. I would never want to see my mom in pain, but I dont want to see her in a box either if there is a chance she can get into remission.

I am not sure if she would go through it again if the cancer does go away and come back, but as many people in my family here and all of my family on this board tell me. NO-ONE is gauranteed anything and a perfectly healthy person could be gone tomorrow. I try to tell myself that. I try not to dwell on what could happen. Its just very very hard. I am consumed with guilt for moving away 12 years ago and missing time I could have had with her. I know this sounds un-normal to some. Wanting to be around your parents so much. But as I have read here. some of you are best friends with your parents.

I wasn't a bad teenager. but I had my rotten moments. I did fight with mom at the teenage years and lied to her when I wanted to do things she didn't want me to do. But I swear to god the moment I said "I DO" to my husband and looked at my mom. IT all came clear. everything my mom ever said was true and she is the most brilliant woman in the world to me.

I moved away because my husband was US Air Force and we had to be stationed where they put us. I always said to my husband my greatest fear was that my mom would get sick and I would miss out making up to her all the crap I put her through as a kid. We moved home May 2002 much against my husband wishes and then the world stopped 8 months later. Well my husband's life is very full and he is now thrilled were home, but my world is still not moving until mom is clean.

I haven't posted in about 4 days because I was so far down in my own despair that I didn't have any hope to offer anyone else. I am thrilled for all of you who are getting clean scans and at the same time am very jealous. I hate myself for that. It gives me hope that mom can get into remission at the same time I am envious that your minds are already at ease.

I am ashamed for feeling that way. Lately I must admit that I have thought if I could go first maybe I could take moms place. But as my husband pointed out people who take their own lives dont go to heaven. So even there I cant help sheesh...

I am sorry for rambling....I feel since no one here knows what I look like then I can hide my shame in annonimity. I know I need and should get real help for this depression. I know what my problem is. I am a control freak and the fact I cant control this CANCER situation that my mom is in is just killing me.

I just hate watching her suffer through the effects of chemo. It must be absolute hell to go through it. Jeezz another reason for me to be ashamed, here I am pittying myself when I dont even have the cancer. All I want is mom to feel better so she can take this last chemo treatment and then hopefully by the grace of GOD she will be in remission. Then after that if she chooses not to fight anymore. I will accept that.

again, sorry I rambled.

[gail]

Sorry to hear about your pain. Try to keep guilt out of the equation. That will do nothing for anybody. And of course you are depressed. Cancer can be very depressing. I have been on anti-depressents since my lung cancer diagnosis over 2 years ago.

But your post made me think---

When I had my first breast cancer in '93, I knew no one to talk to. And with reading your thoughts and painful feelings, I ws reminded of that time when I felt so alone. No one understood where I was. I had a few survivors call me, but nothing that I could build a relationship with.

This site is so awesome that it allows us all to do this. Pour our hearts out and people listen. There will be low times, but when you are at the bottom of that roller coaster, the only way is up.

Keep looking up.

gail

[Don Wood]

Shelly, hang in there! I think it is good to let your mom see where you are emotionally. She needs all the info she can get to make her decisions. I think also you might want to take an anti-depressant. Ask you doctor. Blessings. Don

[Debaroo]

Shellie, let me begin by saying that you should not feel badly about showing your Mother how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings and you cannot help that. And she knows that. I am sure that if your mother decides to change her mind and continue the battle, it will be because of her own decision-and you mustn't feel guilty about showing your heart.

Also, regarding your feeling that you must make up what a hard time you gave her during your adolesance, the kind of adult you have become is more than enough of a payback. We all go through some sort of difficult period in our teenage years, a period that probably causes much worry and frustration with our parents...some take a rougher path than others, but as long as the path leads to a pretty well adjusted, CARING, and DECENT adult-THAT is what matters to parents. I am sure that you have made it up to your mother tenfold by the way that you have cared about, and always will care, about her as an adult. She knows. Moms always know. And don't feel guilty for having married and supporting your husband by moving away so that he may continue his career in the military. Don't waste the time you have with your mom, however long or short it may be, on guilt. Because it will not allow you to ENJOY your time with her...and THAT is sooooooo important. I am sure your mom would agree. If it would make you feel better, let her know that these things bother you, but please don't beat yourself up over the past. CARPE' DIEM, SEIZE THE DAY!!!! Be proud that you are sticking with your mother during a time that, if you read other posts here about people frustrated with sibiling that are NOT being proactive in their parents fight...be proud that you are here for her during what may well be the most difficult battle of her life. Share your feelings, show your feelings, show your love.

Regarding the 'taking your mothers place', think about what THAT would do to your mother. The best tribute to her would be your supporting her and carrying on no matter how difficult the road gets. Please talk to a professional about how depressed you are. It is normal to be depressed at a time like this, but you must take care of yourself and get the support you need to get through this AND to help your mother get through it.

Please do as Don suggested, you will find that, especially on this board, anti-depressants are pretty popular. You do what you must to get through. As the Beatles say "what ever gets you through the night, its alright, its alright"..

Take care of yourself and stop beating yourself up for being human. You are a good daughter. Deb

[LindaMRG]

I think of you so much during the day, Shelly. I do pray for your mother.Please dont carry guilt over things that happened in the past. I remember my father telling me a long time ago not to ever feel guilty, because all the things that happen for the good and the bad are all part of being part of a family. Families fight, laugh, hurt each other, have great times together, etc. I remember apologizing to my father on my wedding day for all I put them through during my teenage years. He said a parent doesnt hold a grudge, mistakes are made and chalked up to youth.

Dont feel guilty about moving, Shelly, Im sure your mother knew you had to do what was best for you and your husband, and from the sounds of your relationship, the distance in miles did not put distance in the bond you have with her.

I dont think many moments pass in my day that I am not either praying or thinking about lung cancer. I'll feel hopeful, or I'll cry, or I'll get angry, or I'll get mad because everyone else's father is fine, why does MY FATHER HAVE TO HAVE LUNG CANCER?!?!

You said you can hide your shame here in anonymity, you have no shame to hide.

((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))))

[Carolsdaughter]

Shelly,

I am so sorry to hear about your pain dear friend. I do understand what you are saying. So much of what you said about growing up reminds me of me. I didn't move away but I was very busy doing my own thing after I got married and I have some regrets about that. I feel that I could have done many more things with my mom then I did. I have been a very selfish daughter and I regret that some too. I can honestly say that my mom doesn't hold any of these things agaisnt me. I know that now more then ever. I was doing what she wanted for me living my life the best I knew how.

I am also a mother and much of the time my children treat me like cr*p. They are all teenagers, need I say more. But in the same breathe I would much rather have them make mistakes while they are young and they can learn from them, and I can still help them out if needed. When they get older chances are the mistakes will be bigger and they can't get out of them as easily.

Shelly, you are a great daughter and I am certain that your mother knows of the love you have for her. Don't feel bad about crying in front of her. I wished I could have done so with my mom, it would have opened up a whole new door for communication between us.

The hardest thing to remember about this disease is THAT WE ARE NOT THE ONES IN CHARGE HERE. We need to turn some things over to God. I believe that if you give your mom all the love and encouragment that you feel you should, there should be no regrets. Your mom has had good success with treatment and I will be looking foreward to a great PET scan from her in a few weeks.

You and your family are still in my prayers.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) Shelly

[Andrea B.]

Shelly, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I don't think you should feel bad at all about showing your mom your feelings. You love her tremendously and that is evident. I know it is easier said than done, but don't feel bad about what happened in the past...that is exactly what it is...the past. Hold on to today and make the most of it. I know how you feel about your mom being your best friend and you would take her place by going first. I have had these same thoughts. I have days where getting out of bed and greeting the world is tough. I hate every aspect of this disease, but I especially hate how it has turned my life upside down. I haven't posted much myself lately, because I feel I am turning to denial to get through some days. Please know that you aren't alone. You can always send me a PM. I keep you and your mom in my prayers. Thinking of you and sending a hug.

[Karma1976]

Shelley, first i must say VENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we all have to do it!!! it is funny casue we always feel bad when we let our emotions get the best of us! what are we suppose to do be chipper all the time when our loved one is sick???????? NEVER feel bad. with that said. if you need a friend i am here always, for any one of you!

[-Cheryl-]

Shelly,

It sounds as though yo have a lot of insight into what is depressing you....and that is half the battle. You were also right about how this disease "takes away one's control." I myself am a "control freak," and struggle with the very same issue. common sense tells us that we cannot control other people, only the way we chose to react to them. That doesn't mean that we can't influence other people's choices though! Ask your mom what she would expect of you if the situation were reversed? Help her to find the desire and will to live. Chemo is tough, but she is tougher! Look at the survival instincts it has taken for her to raise her children and make it this far! Also, Don Wood mentiones in a post that his wife, Lucy, became very sick from chemo and had to take a couple of months off from it. Would that be an option for you?

Cheyrl

[shelliemacs]

ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SORRY JUST WANTED TO YELL

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

Shelly,

Your post really made me feel better!

I've had a more difficult time with my step-dad's diagnosis than my sister, and after thinking about it for some time I realized that the reason was my control-freakishness! I even wondered if I was going crazy...it felt like I was teetering on the edge of something....I don't know exactly...but some kind of breakdown. I made an appt. with my GP (whom I respect and like) and just sat down and told her exactly how I felt, fears of insanity and all. I think you'll appreciate how relieved I was when she told me I wasn't going crazy. She recommended a GREAT book [Close to the Bone - Jean Shinoda Bolen, M.D.] and started seeing me for chats every few weeks.

I just wanted to tell you that you will start to feel better, honest

If you ever want to talk to someone who knows how it feels to not be in control for the first time, you know where to find me. Although, between you and me, we were never in control before, we just thought we were!

Stay strong