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Dads Having trouble without mom.


KathleenC

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Since my mom passed away 10/27, my dad has been very depressed. I can tell he is trying to cope- just not doing very well at it. The fact that she was cremated really depresses him, I think he'd feel better knowing she still had a body (If that makes any sense).

Anyway, I was hoping to find some support groups for him. He is not computer literate so this forum does him no good. Does anyone know of a way to find real life support groups for people who have lost their spouse? Preferably a group around his age, 50.

As it stands now he will not attend thanksgiving with the family, thinks it will be too hard. My brother still lives with him, and my brother isn't doing great either. Depressed but masks his feelings with anger. I wish I could be more help to them but my mom really was the first person I ever knew that died, so greiving is new to me as well.

So if anyone can reccomend something I'd appreciate it.

Thank you.

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Hospice provides a suupport group for bereavement following the death of a spouse. They also need volunteers so it would be a good opportunity for him to go to a group and also maybe get roped into doing some volunteer work there. We have a hospice that also has a residential hospice. They have lots volunteers that fill bird feeders etc.

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my mom refused help in anyway in terms on counselling and support groups....she said it wouldn't matter where she was...wasn't going to bring dad back...

I did talk her doc into some mild anti-depressants and then we went up from there once or twice...

She still has bad days and boy was she dangerously depressed for a long while....but life had a way of happening to her...days must past and grandchildren--well...they have a way of pulling out the best in you too and forcing you to smile..

It's been 14 months now and we all are trying our best to cope (It's our first real death too) And there are days that we slide backwards, or when there is bad news from one of us....that is a big setback too....It's another new normal that I wish didn't exist.....So we are just here for each other as much as we can be.

The most important thing is to surround him with people...even if he says he wants to be alone..and don't stop asking him to come out with you...and yes, if he is willing to go to a support group---that, I think, may really help too.

Good luck and know that I'm saying a prayer for you and your family.

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Kathleen,

I think all of the ideas above will give your dad a place to go if he wants to go, but I have a little different spin on this.

Since, it's only been 3 weeks since your mom died, I don't know that your dad's behavior is anything other than normal. I'm assuming that they must have been married for a pretty long time, and being depressed and grieving over the loss of a spouse is very normal.

Not only is your dad only 50 years old, but he's 50 years old. In other words, he's not very old, yet he's old enough to be very mature. Unless he's showing signs of clinical depression, which you don't mention, I would move cautiously. He needs to deal with his grief in his own way, and the loss of a spouse is a horrible grieving process to go through.

I think that if he wants to be alone, you should leave him alone - to a point. I'm 55 years old and if I told my family I wanted to be alone, I would darn well expect them to respect that request - again, to a point. If he starts to completely isolate himself, then intervention might be necessary, but since it's only been three weeks, I think he needs more time.

Just my two cents.

With love,

Peggy

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Dear Kathleen,

I'm so sorry to hear your all going through so much pain. Sweeite, it's sooooo soon to even think about healing though. It's hasn't even been a month for your family. I'm sure your dad is in great pain over the loss of your mom.

Here in Minnesota most of the Funeral Home's offer Greif Counseling. Some hospitals offer greif counseling. Look in the phone book for counseling.

And having lost many of my family members, I honestly don't think your all dealing so to speak with depression. Oh sure, your depressed, but the truth is, your greiving my dear, and that needs to run it course so early in your loss. Don't rush things, they will come in time. Try not to confuse Greif with Depression, from what I have been taught, they are not the same.

Best to you and your family,

Connie

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Oh Kathleen,

As Connie said, greiving and depression are very different. Losing my spouse has been far more difficult to deal with than losing my father ever was. I expected my father to pass before me and I also expected that my husband and I would have many more years ahead together. Then he died and my world changed like I would never want anyone's world to change. All our dreams and goals went up in smoke and I had to find a new way to manage day by day. I never thought I would be without my husband before I turned 50. I have dealt with depression and the intense grief. They are different.

If you find that your father is not taking care of himself, such as showering, eating, being somewhat in tune with the world around him, then I would suggest that you get him to go see his doctor for a check up.

There are many posts in this section going back a ways that talk about what your dad is going through. Just know he is not alone and what he is going through is probably pretty normal. It takes time for the pain to ease.

Let him know you are there for him and that you need him too.

I wish you the best. May you find your way in this new journey you are on. If you need help along the way, just ask, someone will answer.

We all travel it differently but it seems most of us end up going through it together.

Praying for us all.

Shirley

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