Having a bad day...

[Anais]

It has been almost one month (Saturday) since my mother passed away. I was functioning quite well, I went back to work after the holidays and continued writing my M.A. thesis (I have to postpone the deposit date because I took care of my mother). I didn't feel too sad for this first month. Suddenly, I started crying today and feeling very depressed, I miss her so much... Anyone experienced enormous sadness after a few weeks?

[niececola]

Hi,

What you are feeling is totally normal. I think it takes awhile for everything to sink in. I thought I was ok the first month, now looking back I realize I was just in shock. The next few months will be difficult, but you will be ok. I try to remember the good times with my mom and that she is no longer suffering.

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to send me a PM. I know all too well what you are going through.

Love,

Denise

[shirleyb]

It was pretty much the same for me. The sadness comes in waves for me. The first's were the hardest but for the first three months after Randy died, The sadness was acute.

It is pretty normal to feel what you are feeling. Be kind to yourself and just get through it. Someone posted a while back, that you can't go over it, you can't go around it, you can't get underneath it, you have to go through it. The journey is not something I wish on anyone, but a journey it is. You have lots of company.

Talk it out with those that know what you are going through. We will help you on this path.

May God give you peace in your heart.

Much love,

Shirleyb

[Anais]

Thank you both for your messages, it really helps.

[J.C.]

A Mother's Love is like a beacon

Burning bright with faith and prayer,

And through the changing scenes of life

We can find a haven there.

She loved you and still loves you.

The pain is never the same, each day brings

different feelings.

Take care

J.C.

[Rosie]

Anais,

My sister and I talk about this a lot. We seem to be fine at one time and then all the sudden... boom! It hits like a ton of bricks.

Hang in there...

[Anais]

I've done some research and found an excellent website describing the grieving stages (Source : http://fl.essortment.com/stagesgrief_rbdm.htm).

I guess I'm probably between 2) and 3).

Do you recognize yourself in these stages ?

----

1) Shock – Immediately following the death of a loved one it is difficult to accept the loss. A feeling of unreality occurs. During those first days and through any religious rituals or memorials there is a feeling of being-out-of-touch.

2) Emotional Release – the awareness of just how dreadful the loss is accompanied by intense pangs of grief. In this stage a grieving individuals sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably

3) Panic - For some time a grieving person can feel in the grip of mental instability. They can find themselves wandering around aimlessly, forgetting things, and not being able to finish what they started. Physical symptoms also can appear -- tightness in the throat, heaviness in the chest, an empty feeling in the stomach, tiredness and fatigue, headaches, migraine headaches, gastric and bowel upsets.

4) Guilt – At this stage an individual can begin to feel guilty about failures to do enough for the deceased, guilt over what happened or what didn’t happen.

5) Hostility – Some individuals feel anger at what “caused” the loss of the loved one.

6) Inability to Resume Business-as-Usual Activities - the ability to concentrate on day-to-day activities may be severely limited. It is important to know and recognize that this is a normal phenomenon. A grieving person’s entire being – emotional, physical and spiritual, is focused on the loss that just occurred. Grief is a 100% experience. No one does it at 50%.

7) Reconciliation of Grief – balance in life returns little by little, much like healing from a severe physical wound. There are no set timeframes for healing. Each individual is different.

Hope - the sharp, ever present pain of grief will lessen and hope for a continued, yet different life emerges. Plans are made for the future and the individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings knowing they will always remember and have memories of the loved one.

[cathy]

Thanks Anais

It all makes perfect sense to me now...

[Carolsdaughter]

As I read each stage it is very true. Nowadays I really enjoy saying things that my mom used to say (phrases). I think that it is important to keep her memory alive for all who loved her. Also when I think about her it makes me smile. She sure left us with some great memories.

[Rosie]

Thanks Anais,

That does help. Sometimes I think I float back and forth through the various stages. Although I don't stay in them as long each time.

It really does help to have something that says, "Yes, this is ok, you are not crazy."

[rosegarden]

Hi, Anais.

It's only been a week for me, but I'm sorry you're feeling so low. My thoughts are with you.

[K and Kids]

Anais,

I can relate to the "coming in waves" description. My problem is that I feel as if I going to be hit full force one of these days when I least expect it. The stages that you posted are helpful to read. I almost feel that I am still in the shock phase. It doesn't seem real to me at times.

I too feel the need to talk about my dad and remember the things he used to say or do. It is helpful to me that my children enjoy recalling their memories of Grandpa. The often talk about Grandpa watching them or enjoying something that happened from heaven. I am glad that they feel at ease talking about my wonderful dad.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and for all those have lost parents.

[nikkala]

Anais,

I lost my mom to Lc almost 10 yrs ago and although I don't dwell on it some days I find myself soo sad and feeling like my right arm is missing. May I suggest a book called Motherless daughters. It has helped me alot over the years to understand the "normal" feelings. You're not alone girl.

[Ann]

Thanks so much for posting the "stages" of grief. Like everyone has said, your delayed feelings and consumption of grief are completely normal. Just after we lose someone, there are so many details and tasks that keep us busy. These things seem to help us through, as they give us things to do instead of thinking about our loved one. Dennis died on Sunday and the memorial service was on Thursday evening. I did fine during those days, as I was busy making preparations for the service. I was determined that service was going to be as special as my Dennis was! Then, the day after the service, I fell completely to pieces. For the first time, it dawned on me that I would never again see Dennis again here on earth. I felt completely lost and empty. Thoughts of suicide totally filled my head. I wanted to talk but there was no one to listen. Friends and family were back to work and normal lives and I was all alone to deal with reality. I got through those days, somehow. Then the anniversries became the really heart wrenching days. The 15th of every month was a terrible day for me. Dennis died during a beautiful full moon. Every time I would see a full moon, I would cry. You know what? Sometime I still do.

[rosegarden]

Hi Anais

It's been one month since my mother died, and so I know how you felt after that first month. I too didn't cry *too* much in the first month but now it's a daily thing. I hate it.

God bless all of you.

[Anais]

Rosegarden,

The same *exactly* happened to me... It's like if we're anesthesised the first weeks. I cry a lot, esp. at night time. During the day, I'm too busy to cry.

Have a nice day,

Anaïs

Hi Anais

It's been one month since my mother died, and so I know how you felt after that first month. I too didn't cry *too* much in the first month but now it's a daily thing. I hate it.

God bless all of you.

[glo]

Thanks for the stages of grief you posted. I have read other versions of them before, but this detailed one fits me to a T.

It's been 17 months since my husband died.

Right now, I'd say I float back and forth through 3 to 6 -- still in the forgetting things and not finishing things of stage 3, but no longer in the physical part. I think the stages are not always exactly in that order.

I don't visit the guilt stage much anymore.

I feel like I'm mostly in stage 6 -- have a really hard time concentrating at work. Start something, then abandon it, am almost surprised when I pick it up again to see I didn't finish it. Don't want to take on anything new. I'm lucky that my job has been quite slow -- it's now starting to pick up again -- and my bosses are very understanding -- plus I'm eligible to retire anytime I want -- just hanging on for more money -- heehee -- don't we all want the maximum we can get. Also the structure of having to continue getting up each morning and going to something that hasn't changed is good for me right now.

The stages really do happen -- just not in the same timeframe for everybody, and it really does get incorporated into your life in a less painful way over time. I lost my 21-year-old son to an accident in 1989, and felt like the pain would never stop, but over a period of many years, it gradually turned to acceptance. You don't get over it; just gradually absorb it.

Like everyone else says, it helps to realize we're not alone, and haven't really gone crazy. We're just grieving.

Hugs to all.