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Okay - I am at a loss - any suggestions?


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Hello all,

I have tried to keep you updated on my mother. We have been going day to day for quite awhile now. My dad has been doing such a good job and I don't know if he just over tired or what...but he has gone back to the slim fast with mom again. She tells him no and even tried clenching her teeth so he won't give it to her or spitting it out but he forces it on her and is now making her drink a can of it a day, he has also decided that she doesn't need the Roxanol anymore and has stopped giving her that as well, he says she is more alert when she doesn't take it! I tried to explain to him again today that slim fast is loaded with fibers, etc. and that mom has not eaten in over 2 months and lately doesn't even want to drink her lemonade and he is forcing that down her too. Mom tells him no, or sometimes she will drink a little lemonade and then she will say okay and he will say - no you have to finish the whole glass. I don't know what to do, I know that what he is doing isn't good for mom and can actually make her more uncomfortable. It is like all of the sudden he thinks he can make her better. It hurts me to see him doing this to her and when he is forcing the slim fast down her she has even started crying!

I don't know what to do and it is tearing me up inside.

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I know that my dad thinks he is helping Mom, that is what is so hard, he just breaks down at her side and cries. I know how very much he loves her and doesn't want to be without her and I can absolutely understand that. But you are correct, she definetly is in the dying process and that is why I fear what his doing (with good intentions) is truly causing her more pain.

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Sorry that your dad is so desperate that he is resorting to the measures you described. I believe the course is set and will proceed no matter what he does. It is very difficult to lose a life partner, and he knows that is going to happen in his heart. Right now, he is grieving for himself at the inpending loss, so he is doing things that do not make sense. I hope you can hang in there with them both. I know it is hard on you. Don

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The only thing i can think of is to call her dr and have him by phone tell your father that your mom needs the meds and not the food....maybe this will get through. I feel what Don is saying. It is really hard to see one's partner struggling so bad. so so sorry for all the pain you all are suffering right now....

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I dont know your moms exact condition but if she doesnt eat, her body will not function properly. You can give your mom megace or something for the appetite to see if she wants to eat a bit more. Try to do things slowly and try not to force things on anyone. I wish you the best.

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Don is right.

I will pray that you father might soon find the peace he needs. He really loves your mom and that is clear.

It must be terriable for you to see this. To love both of them so much and to see them suffer in their own way is so difficult. I watched my mom turn away food many times. It didn't taste good and she was unable to eat. Her body did not need or want food. We were not the ones denying her the food, she was, she knew. He were also told that when someone's body is shutting down that food only confuses the body and makes it more diffucult on the patient.

I will also pray for all of you.

HUGS, Shelly

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So sorry that you and your father are suffering along with your mom. I know how your dad feels, as I lost my dear husband in December. I was desperate for Dennis to eat and drink. I knew he could not live without nourishment and when he refused to eat and drink, I knew the dying process was advancing. I would beg and plea with him to just take a bite or two of food. There was a complete feeling of hopelessness inside me, as I began to accept this was the end of the road. Hospice was a big help. They gave me a great little book which explained that stopping eating and drinking was a part of the actual dying process. Maybe you could call Hospice and get a copy for your Dad. It explains, that by refusing nourishment, the body is preparing for the next plain where food is not needed. I hope this did not upset you. You sound as if you know your mom's condition all too well. Hospice also has some wonderful counselors available to help your Dad through this terrible ordeal. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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My heart breaks for him! and her but it is truly hard! Maybe you pull him aside and say dad your doing and awesome job BUT please....sometimes she is not going to want to eat or drink, plead with her to try to eat/drink something but take it easy on her casue i am SURE she is frustarted as well!! I rememebr my dad i brougth him a nice lobster roll in the hosptial and he islike i wish you didn't waste your money on this i wish i was hungry for this (dad's favorite FAVORITE) I cut it up in 4's and said dad i could care less about buying it i wanted to have lunch with you and bring you something special! he wantedso bad to eat that and i knew he coudl only have a few bites!!! Tell your dad enjoy just having a "lunch" with her! and remember if she could she would!

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