Figuring Things Out......

[Ann]

I really feel guilty about this post, as there are so many members that have such recent losses but I am hoping just "talking" will make things easier to accept.

When Dennis was diagnosed with LC, his oncologist explained the necessity of a biopsy to determine the type of cancer. Dennis has a cousin that had breast cancer. She is a registered nurse and happens to be very opinionated. She immediately told my FIL that Dennis should not have a biopsy as that would cause the cancer to spread faster. Dennis listened to his oncologist and wanted to have the biopsy. My FIL even came to my work, telling me that I had to change Dennis' mind about the biopsy. He finally started crying and said "you don't know how it feels to lose a son." He then proceeded to call my sons and tell them that their mother made him cry. Dennis had the biopsy and the relationship got back to normal during his illness. After Dennis died, his family acted as if I was non existant. No calls, no visits....nothing. After 26 years of being part of a family, I had been aired out to dry. They weren't happy about the fact Dennis had been cremated, per his wishes and also blamed me for this. For almost three years now, there has been practically no contact between us. Then, last Thursday evening, a 91 year old aunt of Dennis's called to see if I could come and help her, as she was sick and alone. I went, without hesitation. I stayed with her until she was finally admitted to the hospital on Saturday. During hospital visits, I have seen extended family members that are now telling me that my FIL has told everyone that I wouldn't let him in my house to visit his dying son. NOT TRUE!!! My FIL now has pancreatic cancer and my MIL is now a 24 hour caretaker.

I had been doing well with this but since being around the family again, all the pain is returning. Am I wrong for feeling like a victim here? I feel as if I have been tried, convicted and executed without a jury.

[Treebywater]

Oh Ann, As if losing your dear husband wasn't enough pain, I can't imagine how being treated like this by his family must hurt. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this and that the pain is bubbling to the surface again.

[KarHart]

Ann, Shame on them for treating you like that. That being said maybe now that they are walking in your shoes they may have more insight. Maybe you should try to reach out to them and offer them some of the experience you have with dealing with such a viscious disease as cancer. I know I certainly appreciated the help you gave me. If they rebuff you at least you tried and will know that you did what you could to help Dennis's family. I don't think you can ever go wrong with showing compassion. Please let me know if I can help.

Karen H

[kimmek]

This brings horrible memories back for me, and I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with this. Some people are just so uncaring and insensitive.

When my husband died 9 yrs this Sept 1, his family never spoke to myself or my/his daughter ever again. My husband committed suicide, but his mom and one sister just knew that I had "done" it. Eventually had to even take a lie detector test to shut them up, or at least leave the detective alone. Nothing he could say would convince them otherwise. Oh well. I could care less about me, but my daughter was a big part of that family. One sister tried a couple of times thru the yrs to contact her and see her, but I never could bring myself to let her go for a visit as I knew the grandmother would see her. I feel they owe me an apology and my daughter. This is pretty much the only family she has other than me and her brother and sister.

I have never understood this and have no words of wisdom for you, excpet the one thing i learned sometime ago..forgive them. It will eat at you, cause so much needless worry and stress. Plus you really will feel better!! Maybe they will come around, maybe not. But you were apart of that family for a long time, I just dont get how people can just shut someone off like that.

I pray that you find some peace with this and may god bless you.

Kim

[Ann]

You know, the thing that really bothers me is my inability to help my MIL right now. I saw her at the hospital the other night when I was visiting the aunt. She looks so very tired and so very old. I was always amazed at the great job she did of always looking so young. Dennis was always such a great son and was always there for his parents. I have lived with this feeling of rejection, never knowing what I had done.

[Ry]

No you're not wrong..you are the victim. Your post brought back so many bad memories for me. My MIL also said to me, "you have no idea how it feels to have a son with lung cancer." John's diagnosis became all about HER. It was never about him or us or what we needed. You are a nice person, a normal person, so you keep thinking that there is a way to fix this but really you need to let it go. Reaching out and bringing your FIL back into your life will only hurt you all over again. Some people won't change and for your own sanity you need to stay away.

[Fall54]

Dear Ann,

I have to say what has already been said "Shame on them!!"

To forgive them will give you strength and perhaps they will accept you're help and you can mend those fences and rid so much hurt in all of you.

Dont you ever forget you were a wonderful wife to Dennis and did as he wanted. I would have done the same as I think most wives would have.

His family is reeling in pain over losing him and dont know where to place the blame. The blame belongs no where, it is a part of life that we were all born to eventually die in some way, be it cancer, heart attack etc. There is no blame.

I cant imagine being a part of his family so long and then just discarded. My 1st husband died in a car accident at 29 years old I was 28 and we had been married 10 years. We had two sons together and his family and I have always been in touch and send cards and photos for every occasion. Sadly my first husbands Father has lung cancer now. He is stage 4 and has never had any treatments and was dx last Dacember. We go and see him often and we are family.

I know my children are their Granchildren but that is not the only reason we keep in touch, LOVE is.

I pray that his family sees the light and all hearts are opened up to love again and are able to help eachother through this new illness with you're FIL

God Bless you Ann Always,

Jane

[nancy c]

Oh you poor dear, how awful all that nonsense had to be on you! Esp losing your husband and having all the other stuff to deal with. You do what you feel is ok for you--it is about you now--not them. You were the victim and they all should be ashamed of what they did to their son's wife. It's terrible. Life is so short --to have to deal with that stuff!God bless you--you still sound like saint thru all this! Nancy C

[trishnmiller]

Wow, grief really can bring out the worst in people! It seems to me that many times people react to traumatic news by looking around for someone to "blame". It is not enough for the patient to suffer the consequences of the disease but these family members must inflict their hysteria on a convenient victim. This usually is a husband, wife or life partner..not a blood relative. While death may be the ultimate release for the patient, it is often a green light for the "dysfunctionals" to begin circling, ready to pick the emotional and financial bones of the surviving partner. The sickest thing of all is that, even after several seasons have passed, these so called family members will excuse their actions as having been a reaction to some imagined "slight". Just kknow that you are not alone. There are many, many more stories out there. I have a few of my own. I think you already know that yes, you are the victim here! If I were you I would write them a letter..not nasty, just detailed from your point of view, and tell them exactly the way you see it. I can't imagine that you have anything to lose.

Good luck,

Trish

[bunny]

Ann,remember how much you liked that story I posted in the spiritual forum? I truly believe it illustrates what's happening to you, here - you have what the woman had that made her able to give her most valuable possession to a stranger. Your husband's family only see the darn stone.

That said, it must be awful. You know who you are, don't let them affect that. WE know who you are - loving, open, generous - and that will not change.

xoxo

amie

[shirleyb]

Ann,

I sent you a pm the other day. The feelings you have are real and justified. But now what to do. I hope that you are able to come to a place with your MIL and it lets you feel okay. I can totally understand if you don't ever want to see them again.

Love you girl. Keep loving yourself and knowing you are doing what is best for you.

Shirleyb

[Carolsdaughter]

Dear Ann,

I can’t imagine the pain these past years have caused you with Dennis’s family placing you as the one to blame. I believe that Trish has it right that tragedy has a way of bringing out the worst in people and them wanting to blame someone, anyone. I am so sorry that they chose you.

This is just a theory but it may bring something to light. Do they really know that it was Dennis’s choice to have the biopsy and to be cremated? Did he write this down anywhere or tell anyone else? I think sometimes families feel a loss of control when it comes to tragedy and illness. In most, it not all states the spouse has the say so over these issues. If the family shows any resistance they should be shown proof of the wishes of the patient. I have spoken with family members who feel much like Dennis’s family in a matter concerning their father. His wife had the power and took him off life support and they hate her for this according to her. I know that the situation are different here put it still has to do with the loss of control of the family.

Ann you have been part of this message board ever since I can remember and you have always shown kindness and compassion to all you have supported here. I get the sense that you would like to at least try to mend this fence and if I am wrong just ignore this. Write the letter to his mom and offer your support. If they will ever allow you into their lives it will be now. If it were me I might even pray for their hearts to be softened and then show up with a casserole or something when the kids aren’t there to act all protective. If that is a bit scary, when you see the mom again what about an arm around her and tell her that you love her and her family and would like to help if they will let you.

I think that Dennis would want you to be with his family. Everyone is grieving and hostility robs us of our resources. Please don’t be upset, this is just one possible scenario.

God Bless