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Thinking about Death a lot lately


-Cheryl-

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Dear Friends,

I have had such a rough week emotionally. Last week I was too tired from the chemo to concentrate on anything, much less my own demise. This week...I have been thinking a lot about death. I do believe in an after life, but think the earth is such a grand place I am not ready to leave yet! This planet is so awesome, what must Heaven be like? Why are we here....to learn something apparantly. When we die and live for eternity, do we still learn stuff?

The things that bother me most about my death are:

* Will I suffer?

* I share everything with my husband, but I can't share this with him....So, will I be alone when I pass between worlds?

* Your supposed to love the Lord more than wordlly things....How do you let go of those things and peope that bind you to the earth, and will they see you again in Heaven?

Some days, when in pain, I think to myself...I do not know if I am strong enough to endure this. It would be easier for everyone and me if I just go ahead and die. I sure wish I could ascend into heaven instead of going trough death,,,but wo am I? Christ had to die and suffered for you! But then I think,,,,I am just not ready yet. I have things I want to do, but will I feel physically like doing them? I wish I had some control over something, but cancer takes that from you. How do you plan for the future with cancer? I live day to day....but need to plan a little before it hits me in the face.

The tears have been just flowing all week like a faucet. It happens just anywhere and any place. Just like some involuntary bodily funtion that leaves you embarrassed and ashamed. Meanwhile..I keep telling everyone that "I am O.K.", but apparantly my my emotions aren't on the same page. I know that we all will die, but the reality of it has hit me prtty hard this week, and made me quite sad.

Cheryl

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Oh Cheryl,

I can't imagine what you are feeling, but I know that my dad feels the same way. You don't always have to be "OK"....those are my dad's famous words. And I know that he is in turmoil on the inside. Too prideful and too stubborn to open up to us most times.....

You need to share your feelings with those you love, you need to let it out before you are consumed with your emotions and left feeling lost or hopeless or angry. You are alot stronger than you think and you have been a great source of inspiration and support to so many here!

Don't wait until you feel so down that you want to give up. Talk about this- to your husband, family, pastor, counselor-us, vent, get some anti-depressants if you need them and then rest and recoup from your treatments. People come out of this on the otherside and survive - you KNOW that!!

When it's time for us to go, we will have all the answers then. Right now, there's no sense in speculating on something that no one has the answers to. Focus on what gives you strength and hope. Living day-to-day is what my parents do, then there are short-term plans and long-term goals and lots of love to help us get thru.

Don't lose your hope. All of us pray for you.

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Cheryl, my thoughts and prayers are with you, that you receive the strength you need from the Lord in whatever comes your way. None of us is strong enough to bear it alone. We need each other and the Lord. I'm glad you could express to us how you are feeling because you need to do that for yourself. Your thoughts and emotions are normal for what you are going through. I see it in Lucie, too. I encourage you to express your feelings to your loved ones, to us, to God. As Katie said, you don't have to be "OK" for anyone, if that is not how you feel. I have a friend that keeps asking me how I am because she wants to hear me say "Great!". She is always disappointed because until Lucie is out of danger, I am not going to be great. Take care. Know you are cared for. Don

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My Dear Cheryl,

I sit hear at this man made machine and am trying to think of something wise to say to you but all I know is it is wise it to put your hands in God's hand and pray for whatever he choses for you now. He may not be ready for you yet so don't push it....

I know where you are coming from because my Buddy talks of it often. He wants me to know that it could happen. He also has told me that he is very proud of me because he knows I can carry on after he is no longer here. He knows we have taught each other well about taking hold of life without the other one for we all know this is the way it will be someday. This brings tears to my eyes all the time, but you know, none of us knows when our time is. I could go to bed tonight like my sister did 7/29/95 and never see tomorrow. She had no idea that she would not be with us the next morning. She did not get time to say goodbye to any of us nor we to her. She did not get time to help the rest of us understand her being called.. it just happened. This was the hardest death I have had to go through. My mon's, dad's brother's and three friends were easier because I had time and they had time to say goodbye.

So many on here have been through what you are going through and they to thought at one time, are many times, that they were not going to make it but they are now in their third, fourth, etc years of life without cancer.. so it can happen. The next dose of chemo or radiation can be the one to cure you, or, maybe God wants you now for work to be done up yonder. We don't know do we. Lets all just take one day at a time, feeling good or bad, and take it for what it is, a day here on earth to be enjoyed as well as one can right now and not dwell much about death, for it will come to all of us sooner or later....God Bless

I hope some of this makes sense and that i did not make you feel worse...i sure don't want to do that....

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Hi Cheryl,

I've been having a lot of the same feelings lately and I must say that I don't have any answers. I try very hard to maintain my faith but some days are harder than others. I don't think that death is painful. Sometime's I fear that death is like eternal general anesthesia, no pain, no conciousness, no nothing. I really don't think that's the way it is.

I lost a brother-in-law, in his late 40's to an auto accident. He left for work one morning and was gone an hour later. There was no preparation, no will, no plans for the family small business. I wouldn't want to go that way.

I'm rambling and probably not helping so I'll stop. But I did want yo to know that others feel just like you. I continue to pray for us all.

Sam

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I admire you so much for putting those feelings and thoughts into words. I don't think there is one of us here who hasn't had those same thoughts and feelings. My son was 7 with my first cancer. It was small and curable. (HA!) I remember saying to my mother that no one ever said their mother's passing was okay, because they were ____ years of age when it happened.

Others brought out the pooint I have felt all along of any one, any time. Cancer has made us be nicer to each other. We have gotten a lot closer since. And it has filtered through to others as well.

I realize I am not living with pain, but I know it just takes one sneaky cell . . .

Dr. Bernie Siegel (Love Medicine, and Miracles) says you are either living or you are dead. I found that statement profound. We, every single one of us, is dying, cancer or not.

I read Tuesdays with Morrie after my last two cancers. (Read it twice). I was amazed with his courage facing a certain death, and learned a lot through his words.

And my therapy has helped tremendously.

Keep writing.

gail

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Cheryl,

its me again. I hope the sun is shinning in your windows today and you are feeling somewhat better then yesterday....If you have the strength, go outside and soak some up in your body....who knows, it may give you a little energy....you are in my thoughts and prayers.....

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Kattie, Don, Norme, Sam, Shelly,and Gail,

Thanks for helping me in finding some hope and faith. I guess I needed permission to not be O.K. sometimes. Jack and I talked about it yesterday. I don't want to cause him more heartache, so I act fearless...as does he. Jack tries to stay positive for me, which goes against his very nature! Ha! I am usally the positive one. He has been my strength throughout this whole ordeal, and tells be that "WE are going to beat this!"

But you guys have been such a support to me. You all have helped me to open up and share some pretty deep, personal thoughts! The board has been so very cathartic for me. I really need to not carry this burden around with me daily.

Thanks for helping to purge my some of my troubled thoughts,

Cheryl

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Cheryl..thank you for being brave enough to put your feelings into words. They had a powerful impact on me. I know Dad must have some of the same feelings and keeps them bottled up too...sometimes you have to just let it out....because of your candor I will try to be a better daughter and listener tomorrow...please don't be afraid because sometimes as my Dad says, "It takes a bad day to get to a good day." You are a strong young woman..hang in there and know that the good day is coming....maybe tomorrow..in friendship and caring...Sophia

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Dear Cheryl,

OH MY GOODNESS, I hear the CHEMO talking!! :roll: And I hear ME talking 8 years ago! :roll: What a mirror image you are to me my friend!

The reason you have all these questions about dying is because YOUR NOT DYING!! :):):)

When we are near death, we don't have all those questions! (my opinion, and from what I have learned from those that are near death)!

Honestly, the Chemo can really make you very very wheepy and teary eyed at the drop of a pin. Not to mention, I thought of death for 2 years after I was dx.d with my lung cancer. What a waste of MY PRECIOUS TIME! I even wrote my obituary ohhhhh about 10 times over. I threw that away about 5 years ago. :roll:

But, I just wanted to touch base with you and let you know I have tried calling you a couple of times but have had no luck in reaching you. Is there a good time to give you a ring???? I would LOVE to chat with you.

We're going to get through this my friend.

Warm and Gentle Hugs,

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Just wanted to add that my dad is feeling this way too. Just today he began talking about never getting his "farm" (He's a farmboy who has lived his entire adult life in the city) and worrying about my mom when he is "gone" and telling weird stories and he even mentioned the "budget casket" ad he saw in the paper..... :shock:

OH MY GOSH, did it freak me out. You see, my dad is completely introverted. Strong, Silent, type guy who just got comfortable with saying "i love you" LAST YEAR !!... He never talks about how he feels or anything too emotional...so when all this started today I was FREAKING out.

But I think Connie may be right, it's the meds. He has severe pain in his shoulder now. He is taking Oxycotin, and he isn't used to anything as strong as that. He is scared of what the new tests will say, that there are many more mets, etc....He's simply afraid. And so are we.

(ALL)

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Cheryl your post touched me a lot. One of the things that has been plaguing my mind is my dad and his fear of death. That is what makes me upset sometimes cause I know he felt just like you and that makes me want to cry! that is why i wish he got to come on this board more and open up about that. I unfortunately cannot say anything profound here. I have no IDEA how you must be feeling and i wish i could make you feel 100% better!!

But with THAT said. I agree with others on here....you are not done yet miss Cheryl....you’re typing right? now last time I checked only living people usually use the PC. any one of us could die tomorrow. you could get hit by a car tomorrow and guess what your death certificate is not going to say cause of death lung cancer. No one knows when his or her time is up. you miss Cheryl your time is not now. you continue to fight!!! :D

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