bronbear Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 I am probably making a mistake trying to post this while I am at work but I felt like it might help to get some of this out. My dad would have been 68 tomorrow. He died on October 4, 2005 so the pain is still pretty fresh. I remember one of the last conversations I had with him I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said all he wanted was to get out of the rehab center he was in and go home. He had battled double pneumonia, but was still too weak to go home and he needed physical therapy so he had to go to a rehab center to try to get better. That was a joke since they took such terrible care of him there. We were there with him every day and we had to fight for everything he got and most of the things we had to do for him ourselves. I guess part of my grieving is a lot harder because my dad didn't die from the lung cancer itself. He died from septic shock, a urinary tract infection and colitis which was likely caused from the antibiotics he was taking. I am still very upset because for three days before he died, my dad was not feeling well. He was having diarrhea, a fever and he was not eating or drinking well. We begged those people to have a doctor see him but they waited for three days to have anyone see him and they waited until he got up to go to the bathroom and passed out from being extremely hypotensive. By the time we got him to the emergency room, it was too late to do anything for him. He died less than 24 hours later. I know that with Stage IV lung cancer, his life expectancy was probably not very long but I can't help feeling that they hastened his death and cheated us out of more time with him. I know I am rambling on, but I just miss him so much. Instead of shopping for a great creative gift for him for his birthday, I am going to have to buy some pretty flowers to put on his grave. The loss I feel seems to grow more everyday, instead of getting easier. I feel like I am a strong person, but I also feel like I am beginning to crack. I talk to my mom everyday and I try to be strong for her and I try to be strong for my kids, but I don't know how much longer I can do it. I went back to work last week and I can hardly concentrate on anything. Anyways, I guess I just needed to get some of this out where I know people understand. Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flwrjunke Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Bronbear, I know exactly how you feel. I too am a strong person and I feel like I could crack at any time. It's just so hard to lose a parent. I'm so sorry that the care your Dad received at the rehab hospital wasn't top notch. I can only imagine how hard that was. I'm sure he found comfort with his family around him. I came back to work almost immediatly after my Mom passed away, which has been good and bad. Part of me wants to just hide from everyone but the other part of me knows that I'm better off at work keeping busy. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Patty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Thinking of you and sending hugs your way. I know what a hard time this is for you. So very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 crack away....your entitled to it. its been 26 months and 11 days since mom died and 16 months 14 days since dad died. Both passed from LC as well. well mom also had a systemic infection for a week and dad slipped into a 4 day coma before they died. I am still cracked. Especially around monumental occasions like their birthdays. or now with the depressing holidays again without them. You can't put yourself under a "healed" time frame. you may never be who you were because of watching one you loved so dearly suffer so much. That certainly does change people. I am coming to accept I will never be who I was and am just who cancer made me now. jaded, sad, bitter, angry and depressed all the time. i keep waiting for it to turn back "up" but I don't know when that will be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jean44 Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Bronwen, I DO know how you feel. I lost my Dad to lung cancer on Oct. 14, 2003 and his birthday is on this Sunday (Oct. 30). He would have turned 70. Dad and I use to love the Fall and this time of the year but, now I dread it. October really sucks for me anymore. I hope things will get better for you although I miss my Dad as much today as I did the day I lost him. Keeping your family and you in my prayers. Jean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarHart Posted October 27, 2005 Share Posted October 27, 2005 Even though it has been 11 years since my father died from brain cancer it is still hard on the special occasions, especially my birthday. I was born on my parents first wedding anniversery Dec 28). That was always fun until my dad died, now it is just hard. This year I will be 54 and it would have been their 55th anniversary. I can tell you that the just gut wrenching pain from losing a parent gets better, not as sharp, just a tender sadness. Karen H Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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