Guess this is part of grieving...

[kimblanchard]

Well, it happened. My manager came to town and told us that they are closing the office. Not that I didn't see it coming. I KNEW it was coming...maybe that's why I didn't push myself to go back to work. There are many "details" to the whole thing, but suffice it to say - When I took this job almost three years ago...My friends thought I was nuts.

Nothing ever turned out the way it was "suppose to go" and I would be within inches of resigning and after prayer...I would be told (through prayer, devotions, scripture or just plain "gut" reaction to WAIT!) Well I waited and then I waited some more. Then Mike got sick and MIRACULOUSLY this company took care of me...they allowed me masses amounts of time with Mike for doctor appointments, etc, allowed me to work from home, etc....and continued to pay me my base salary as regular as clock work without a question.

I had good insurance coverage (though customer service stinks) and the "security" of money in the bank on the fifteenth and the thirtieth of every month. The company was and IS a very kind, compassionate company. The management knew of my situation and they WAITED to close this office. I was told that today. So I wasn't crazy when my 'gut' would tell me they were going to close the office. You see - this office was never intended to "drum up" business locally but to be a remote "Internet" underwriting site. When that didn't materialize I kept questioning how we could do enough business with only 2 people to keep it afloat! Not only that but my "co-worker" has a tendency to rock the boat in ways that are self destructive!

After Mike passed away - I offered a letter or something from my doctor stating I needed some more time off...I was told - very graciously, don't worry about work or the office and when I was ready to come back - we would talk. Well - I got an e-mail two weeks ago to meet with my manager yesterday. I knew they were going to close the office and frankly - I really didn't and don't care. The job gave me no real joy, no job satisfaction and in truth wouldn't keep my mind busy enough while I'm going through this grieving process. That's the real reason I didn't go back right away. I'm trying (successfully I might add) to stay busy enough to not wallow in my self pity.

Now - the only thing I'm unhappy about? I have to have insurance coverage. I have to work...I'm not sure yet how MUCH I have to make...but I know I'm not set to retire! Besides, I want to get back into the right working environment for me. Problem? I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.

Yes - I thought I wanted to go into nursing...but I'm not ready for that - at least not for a while longer. You have to have a memory and a brain to go to school. Mine's shot.

Secondly, I don't know if I want to go into a "field" that is obviously in trouble...nurses are leaving the profession at an astounding rate. Even DOCTORS are disillusioned with medicine. I've really got to have divine guidance on that one!

In the mean time...what do I do? I hate selling...anything to do with selling. I like paper work and computer entry type work. I love to interact with people. I love working with computers - but don't ask me to support technology - been there, done that. Yuck...

Any suggestions? I don't want the responsibilities of my own "company" - I'm NOT an entrepreneur!

And right now at least, please remember I can't make a decision (like what shoes to wear), I can't recall what I did yesterday and I'm so physically, emotionally and mentally weary yet that I can hardly take care of my personal stuff...let alone find the energy to WORK.

So - any ideas? I have until November 1st when my severance runs out. Maybe I should just sleep until then?

I don't want to sound like a whiner but I left my mom and daddy's home at 19. I got married and was a 'partner' until June 23 of this year. I haven't only lost my spouse, my lover, my room mate and the person I shared all of my adult life with, but I lost my best friend, my biggest cheer leader, my biggest fan and my best "sounding board". Now I've lost my job and my mind is just wandering in circles. I don't know what I want or where I want it. I want to be Mike's wife and I'm not that anymore...I'm his widow and I've never faced the world so alone.

Please pray that I would receive some DIVINE intervention on my needs, wants, and desires soon so that I can plan for my future. I know God has a plan for me...I just have to be listening. But I'm so tired. Maybe next week I can think about it. Today I can't.

Love you all for listening to me whine. It's just something I didn't want to have to deal with right now. And guess what....I'm not super woman! At least she has a dream job. I only wanted to be a wife and mother. So now what?

Love you all....thanks for reading - if you got this far! LOL And PLEASE PRAY for my direction, desire and determination to get back on track with a career. I'm probably the most reluctant career woman you would ever meet!

Hugs,

Shannon

[Carolsdaughter]

Shannon,

I read your post and then decided to come back to drop you a note. Is there some sort of employment to can do with working with the youth. I have a friend who works for a womens shelter in Co. She started as part time and they trained her. She even does councilling with mom's and children.

Another thing that comes to mind in something with writing. I have loved reading your posts. You have a way on puting things on paper in such a way that I can almost hear the words coming from your mouth.

I wish you the very best as you seek out the path which is the best for you now.

Prayers and Hugs, Shelly

[Fay A.]

You do have a way with words, so you might check into copywriting for online or printed catalogs. That would be more in line with self employment, so you would have to purchase your own insurance.

When you are feeling better you might consider working for a financial institution, a mortgage lending operation, an Attorney's office, or the Federal, State or County Government as a Legal Document Management Specialist...someone who reviews paper to insure that things are in compliance with whatever regs/requirements are expected, then the info is either scanned or entered into computer database.

And yes, Shannon, I think this is a part of grieving. Your world has been tossed about in a whirlwind...... and has not yet settled.

I believe you when you say you are keeping yourself from wallowing in self pity... I just hope that you don't forget to be as kind to yourself as you are to others...

Wishing you well,

Fay A.

[Don Wood]

Shannon, it seems to me the primary reason you were to stay there at the company was to get the emotional and financial support you would need to care for Mike. The way you cared for Mike, I would say you can find a job you can enjoy and bring home the bread. I have confidence in you. Don

[lostinspace]

Shannon,

I have been reading this board for several months and your post today made me take action and answer. I am crying as I read your post because I feel like I'm reading my own life.

My husband of 29 years was my best friend. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor and had craniotomy on 4/22. During his pre-adm testing they found a 10cm lung cancer, laterally located so it wasn't affecting his airways. He had the brain tumor removed and came thru surgery with flying colors. His vision was affected pre-surgery and that was permanent. He was a little confused but basically doing well. The brain tumor was large and the surgeon said very aggressive. He started whole brain radiation with the plan to do chemo for lung tumor after or toward the end of the brain radiation. Toward the end of May he was experiencing so much pain in the back and side, the oncologist had him on morphine and percosets for the breakthrough pain along with steroids. He became worse and worse pain and mentally and on 6/19 he was admitted to the hospital. Tests then showed that from April, the cancer had spread to his pancreas, liver, adrenal glands and a bone metastises on the pelvic bone. His blood sugar was in the 400's and he was also put on insulin. The oncologist gave him a first chemo in the hospital, the next day he needed a blood transfusion and between the medicine and his disease he was sleeping or very confused most of the time. He became very disoriented, he had pnemonia in the same lung as the cancer, his heart rate was very high, he couldn't walk, and finally was on full oxygen. He passed away on 6/28.

I know this is long but...... I had known that my company was trying to sell of our division for the past year but right after my husband's craniotomy, I found out we were going to be closed down. My last day of work was 6/19, the same day my husband went into the hospital. I too do not have a job and can't even make myself look for one. I know I need to but like you said, I can't even make a basic decision. Everythng is a big project to me. My daughter is moving out of state next week, her husband is in the military. I handled things much better while everything was happening. Now I am a mess. I keep looking for answers but there aren't any of them.

I felt so connected when I read your post. I feel for you as I truly know what you are feeling and how you are suffering. My husband was 59. He too was my biggest cheerleader, he would have had me applying for jobs and being confident. I don't have any confidence right now and the thought of a job interview is beyond my grasp. I am flying with my daughter and grandchildren and spending a week with them at their new home. I told my other daughter and her family they could move in with me as I am so afraid of having to be alone but not right away. When I come back I think I need time to get my head on straight if that is possible.

I'm rambling, sorry. Please know I am thinking of you!

[Allison]

This probably isn't the ideal solution, but you could try finding a job through a temp agency? This isn't ideal because generally you don't get health benefits - but, you might get to try out something you never knew you could be interested in. Around here (Boston) temp jobs are often the best way to become a permanant employee (rather than going through the resume and interview route.) Plus, temp jobs by there nature are low-commitment. If you find you aren't ready to be back in the work world you don't have to worry about walking away.

[norme]

Hello Shannon & Lostinspace,

I am getting ready to go to churcy in a few minutes but thought i would just drop this little line.

You both are survivors or you would not be posting to this board. You both know what you must do to survive. You must pick up the pieces and go on with your lives. Someday you will be again with your loved one but for now, they will watch over you and hopefully help you to carry on. I know I have not been in your shoes and don't know if I ever will be but for now, you both are strong women I am sure, so hang tough and do what you must, - - bite that bullet as your husbands would have wanted you to and start on a new life....with great memories of the past....

I will say a special pray for both of you this morning in church.

[LindaMRG]

Dear Shannon,

I dont begin to know what to suggest, some of the suggestions above sound very good. It sounds like you would be good working with children, what about a position in the schools. I dont know if you have college or not, but what about a Teaching Assistant job. Some of those jobs are one on one with a student.

You have such a strong faith in God, I know you'll be listening, even if you think youre not. Have you ever been to a Healing Mass? Im going on behalf of my father on Friday, but there are many different types of healings that we need.

Keep in touch, Shannon, I always look for you.

P.S. Lostinspace, welcome to you too, I dont remember seeing you. This is a warm, comforting place to come.

[Karen]

Shannon,

I arrived on board here after much of your "cancer walk" with Mike. I had seen posts referring to you, Mrs Mike, and have gone back through the posts to read about your journey. Guess I am searching for something that might help me to understand my mother-in-law's journey a bit more. It's been two weeks now and I know there are ups and downs for all of us still to come. Your earlier July post was a great reminder though of how the love and simple, or at times deep, thoughts of children can be a healing salve for someone who is grieving. I bring that up because my very first thought when reading this post was for you to try to do something involved with school. That was before I had read any of your posts that mention your grandkids or joining in on youth conventions. Now, since I am a teacher, I do tend to think of schools as a great place to work. It really is nice to have the vacation times to coordinate with both children and grandchildren. Plus, something about schoolkids just sort of envelopes you and allows you a little escape away from the rest of the world. You give and you get back so much from them. I just thought I should mention it because I felt it so strongly.

The Lord will open the right door. Trust in that. I just switched jobs at a time when there weren't a lot of positions opening up in my area. I was 14 years in one district that was a 50 min. commute each way and now I am 8 minutes from home just at the time when my family time is even more precious than ever. I can get to my kids quickly and head over to my mother-in-law's to help her out whenever she needs it. God's timing is perfect. As well, at our 6th grade orientation tonight, I found out that one of my students just finished chemo for brain cancer. "Would it be okay if he didn't have to bring the textbook home as he is quite weak still?" OH my GOSH! Of course, it will be okay. I explained why I understood their world only too well and how this beast can change your nights and days. Hmm...coincidence that I have this child in my life?

Who knows, maybe God has a spot for you somewhere in a school that will need your special touch and will need someone like you who can be empathetic to someone in a similar situation.

Anyway, good luck with this new leg of the journey. I know God will put you in the right place and you will know it is true. Bless you, Shannon.

Karen M.