Jump to content

Just One Of Those Nights...


Recommended Posts

Where everything seems to be settling in and the "normal" just ticks me off!!

I'm not mad at Mom...I'm not mad at anything in particular, actually. I guess if I had to say I was mad AT something, it would be lung cancer in general. But it's not even that.

I'm so tired of life being up in the air. I'm tired of wondering if what *I* have planned for this week, or next, or the next will be tossed out the window because of something or another that happens. I have NO problem taking time to do what needs done, believe me! It just seems so unfair that we're all in such limbo...just wait and see. I love that Mom and I get time, now that school's done for the year, to spend together and that I'm going to take a couple days to take her to treatment so my step-dad can get some stuff done. That makes me happy, actually. I feel like I'm back to doing SOMETHING, at least. But it's when I look at the "future" and wonder what's going to happen out there that I get so stinking frustrated.

Just one of those nights, like I said. I'm sorry to be such a downer. Thoughts sometimes find their way in and rattle around 'till I let them out and I don't know a better place than this to do it. xoxo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats what we are here for to listen and help or just listen. IF it makes you feel better just do it.Don't have to apologize.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(((Missy)))

I know what you mean, I can't remember the last time I was able to make advanced plans, and after a while people just stopped asking. The unknown and uncontrollable are frightening and frustrating all at the same time. It Sucks, and is so unfair.

Go ahead and vent. You are right, and we all understand.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Carleen (and all of you who responded!) thank you so much! I feel so selfish sometimes, worrying about ME and what *I* might have planned or be wanting to plan!! But, Carleen, I compeletely understand about "friends" not even asking after a while about planning things! I feel so isolated sometimes, simply because I CAN'T plan for next week, even! Who knows what's going to happen? Yet, if I think THAT too much I start to think that NONE of us knows what next week will bring. *sighs* It just gets so overwhelming, sometimes. Thanks again, guys. I really DID expect to pick up some grief for being "selfish" about it all...you prove, once again, how you ALL understand that sometimes we all get in a mood. :)

xoxo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really remember feeling this way.

When my dad was sick, I was in my last year of school. I wondered about Christmas, his birthday, my birthday, my graduation day, the month after, the next year. If I thought about it too much, I'd go completely mad- either depressed beyond belief or angry like hell at the world.

Some fabulous person reminded me that we all (healthy or not) weren't guarenteed a tomorrow, and that all we really could count on was the "right now". It was the only way I could live for a long long time. One single moment at a time. I said it to myself like the "little train that could" puffing up that hill.

How surprised I was that Christmas came and was great, dad's birthday (he was so sick) but he ate a bite of cake and let us savor the time with him anyway; my birthday he slept on my sofa and hugged me a dozen times before he left very early; my graduation- he left his wheelchair in the car and huffed it to the auditorium and sat there (miserably I am sure) but smiled and was proud.....

I'd love to have more of those days today- but I am glad I got those, and I am glad I took Fay A.'s advice and treasured every moment we did get. (God I miss her)

What you are feeling is normal. You have every right to feel the way you do, it's NOT FAIR and cancer just sucks completely, so don't apologize for that! Just know that we are all here for you.

Sometimes you just need to vent, to "say it out loud", to yell and be angry for a little bit until you can move forward again.

We are all here for you.

Many hugs,,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Missy:

I totally understand: I think we all do. How many times I've had my own appointments scheduled and had to change them around 3+ times because of something unexpected happening -- friends giving up, yup....and then there's the friends that figure they are on a mission to "save" you because they don't understand what it takes and why you can't advance plan time with them -- they figure they are gonna' give you planned "me time" on their terms like some sort of intervention. Frustrating.

Linda

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Missy..

I got the most fun pm from sues the other day. She is a livewire, as I am sure you already know!

It is a mess not knowing what the days ahead will come. I read something somewhere about today's troubles being sufficient for today. Don't know the quote exactly.

Tentatively plan things with an out. That's about it. And swim all summer long.. you and everyone else!

love,

Cindi o'h

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know exactly how you feel... I remember having plans for somthing fun and having to drop everything to go be with mom, i would get mad and frusterated. Even this summer, our whole family vacation was to rent a houseboat the last week of July. We had it planned, paid for and even started shopping for things... was goign to be mom, step dad, my hubby and kids and my brother and his family. Of course it is all cancelled now and really even though we can plan things for sure now, I don't much feel like it.

I hate to sound selfish though and say I wish I could go back in time when I could go and sit and be with her and help my step dad out. I long for the days of driving her here and there.

I know this is better for all of us, and someday it will be better for you too. It is a tough road and I will keep you in my prayers.

Kim

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just spoke with Missy about this very topic. You caregivers are to be held in highest esteem. You drop your lives to make us ( the patient ) comfortable. You disrupt your family life for us. That's not fair. We know we need help - don't like to admit it. Our loved ones are the ones that are always there to help. We know without you angels, we couldn't keep up the fight .

Missy and my son Mike are the first 2 to come running to help me -not that my other daughter wouldn't. She would too. But my family has always been the glue that holds me together. Missy told me it was Me that held them all together. I told her that's because I was sticky !!

I feel for Missy -they're trying to put together a new home - trying to help me.

Trying to keep things together. Actually, she's at her best when she's busy -just not this kind of busy.

Cindy - she did get to get in the pool on Saturday !!!

That's the first thing she asked me today -if I got in today - still a little too tired to take the plunge alone.

I finished my 20 rounds of WBR on Friday -now, Mon , Tues and Wed I have pinpoint rad each day - then the wait begins. I wish we could get the answers right away....I just want to know if I have a reason to be bald again.

Love to all of you .

Thanks for listening to me babble this time.

sue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.