Update on me

[jorja]

Hello everyone,

Well this wednesday will be 4 weeks since my dad died. I am doing okay. I feel like I am still in denial but yet I do know he is gone and I take great comfort that he is not suffering anymore. I look at it as a blessing in disguise and I will tell you why.

To make a long story short, we think that my dad's cancer had spread, although we don't know where (he did not make it to his CT scan) we are pretty much sure. About a month prior to his passing, he was experiencing pain in his back and one of his knees. After several doctor visits (his family doctor) we thought it was arthritis. His last weekend, he had lost all bladder control so we took him to the hospital but he was discharged and then brought back in the next night. He was admitted into the hospital where they did several tests and they suspected that the tumour returned but with a blood clot in his lung. He was only in the hospital for 24 hours.....

I say this is a blessing in disguise because my family didn't want to see him go through all the treatment again. It was a quick passing. My heart just breaks when I think back the night of. Him gasping for air and trying to take off the oxygen mask. It was awful.

My dad was a very strong man. He hated the fact that we as his family had to see him go through everything. He kept a lot of things from us. His last check up with at the cancer centre was on May 10 and he told us that after an x-ray the doctor just saw a "bit of pneumonia." but the truth was that they saw a shadow. We later found this out through his family doctor. It makes me sad that he didn't share this with us but I know he was only protecting us.

I don't mean to ramble on. I guess we will never know for real what was really going on inside of him but we are pretty sure the cancer had spread. He had lost his appetite, the pain in his back and his knee etc.

My family and I are doing okay. My dad isn't suffering anymore. What makes me sad is that I am getting married in October. Although he won't physically be there I just know he will be watching over me.

I pray and think about everyone on here. My thoughts and prayers to you all.

I will try and visit here as much as I can.

love to all,

jorja

[RandyW]

If you really want to know what happened and I am pretty sure that you do, Go to the hospital and request copies of his medical Records. You may get a small fee for copying but they will give you what they submit to the Ins. Company I believe. Usually radiology reports and Drs. reports. I did this after Deb passed and found out how bad Deb was when she passed. PM if I can do anything for you. I have been down that road after losing my wife of almost 9 years. Sending prayers.

[ErinC1973]

Jorja,

Oh, honey, I am so sorry your dad won't be there with you to help celebrate your big day. My grandma died 3 weeks before I got married 11 years ago, and it sent me into a tailspin so badly I was in complete shock during Mass and for two years afterwards. It is beyond my comprehension why these things happen; it just isn't right no matter how you look at it or how positive you try to be.

Your dad sounds like he was a wonderfully caring person who honestly thought he had only his loved ones' best interests at heart by keeping things from you. My mom did the same thing--and she lived with my husband and me--but she just didn't want to worry us, because in her opinion, we had enough to think about. At one point, I told her she couldn't be the one to determine what I could or could not handle. Only I could do that. She told me she wouldn't do it anymore, but she had conditioned herself to do it and just couldn't help herself. It honestly saddened me that my mom kept so much of her physical and emotional pain to herself. She had a therapist at her cancer center, who was just wonderful, but I doubt she opened up to her like she really could have.

Unfortunately, my mom died three weeks before I gave birth to my son, Ian. This is just devastating to me, and while I know my mom is at peace not just from lung cancer, but from her MANY other ailments she suffered over the years, it still hurts like hell knowing she will never hold him in her arms, and Ian will never know his grandma. I hate to tell you this, but my mom has been gone for four months and the worst of the grief is just beginning to hit. And yet I am still in denial--if you read my post "Facing what should be a happy day without my mom" and then scroll down to my second post in the thread, you'll see that I really and truly think she is just "away," and coming back at some point.

My mom spent my entire life "protecting" me by not telling me things, major things, and not just with the cancer, and she was doing what she thoguth was best for me. I absolutely cannot fault her for that.

Four weeks is still so new to process your deep loss, so all I can say is don't be surprised when a new range of emotions take over when you least expect. I have never experienced a loss of this gravity, so I was sure shocked when, just a few weeks ago, these feelings hit me.

I wish you a wealth of happiness and prosperity in your marriage, and know that your dad will be so proud of you on your wedding day, just as he is of you now, and just as he was in his life on earth.

[cindi o'h]

Jorja,

I understand your mixed emotions. I had the same feelings after my Dad passed away.

Take care, jorja, and will be looking for update at wedding time for sure.

Cindi o'h

[EastCoastLadi]

Jorja,

I totally understand what you're going thru, this is the first father's dad without my dad, he died of bladder cancer almost a year ago. He suffered alot and he didn't tell us about alot of things. All that I wanted was for him not to be in pain anymore...I know he isn't.....But we are fortunate to have lots and lots of good memories...Take care..

Grace

[Kaffie]

Jorja,

I do know what you are experiencing, this

awful stuff took my father also

It takes time, lots of time.

Father's Day is hard.

I know he would love to be there

on your big day and he will be there,

in Spirit

Kathy

[gail p-m]

Jorja--

Sounds like you're feeling the "normal" mixture of emotions but that doesn't make things any easier. I'm sorry your father won't be there for your wedding. My mother wasn't there for my sister's wedding a few years ago. We had her picture there and I carried her special occasions purse. I'm not that much of a spiritual person but I truly felt that she was "there" sharing in my sister's big day just as I'm sure your father will be at your wedding too.

(((Jorga)))

gail p-m

[Sheri]

I'm so sorry Jorja. I have yet to experience your great loss and can only imagine the pain. Small cell is such an insidious disease and your father's experience demonstrates how the disease can turn on a dime. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, I hope you'll find peace in the days ahead.

[hollyanne]

Jorja -

Four weeks is such a short period of time -- I lost my mom almost six months ago. I don't miss her any less, I have just come to accept it more. I don' think I will ever be the same person. I try not to dwell on things like "my mom missed this, or I wish she were here to do such and such." Rather I focus on the amazing 38 years I had with her, and how blessed I was.

You will not be alone at your wedding....he'll be there.

Time will ease your pain, it really, really will.

Love,

Holly