lullabelle21302 Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 I actually just needed to let some emotions out. First mom hasnt been feeling the best. she has been dizzy and just feeling kinda yucky. She went to her doc monday(this one treats her for diabetes, high blood pressure, etc) Anyways, on her last chemo treatment her blood pressure was low so they told her not to take her medicine for that, so she didnt. When she went to the doc, she took her off of one of her blood pressure medicines, and said that she wasnt to concerned about the cancer spreading cause mom just had some scans run. she wanted additional blood tests run. So we went to the hospital cause mom had to have regular blood work done and she was told she had to have lukeine shots, wbc to low. so that put mom in a even worse mood. Well, we had a arguement yesterday which I felt really terrible about, I was grouchy and so was she and she told me she had a reason to be grouchy. well this morning she was sitting out on the porch and I went out to apologize and I told her that I donot know what she is going through and I started to say that I too am tired and that I in a sense am going through this with her, but she started crying and said she was so tired, so I thought well now is not the right time to express how I feel. I told her to let it out to cry, scream whatever she needed to do just dont let it bottle up inside. I told her she was strong and she can beat this and she said she doesnt feel like she can today. The thing is I have NO idea what she is going through but I do know what I have been through since sept. 2006. And I guess I feel guilty for worrying about how I feel and not really looking and paying attention to how she was really feeling. I guess sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be feeling this way when she is the one who is fighting cancer because I am not the one fighting I am the daughter that takes care of her, that loves her. I guess I overlook her feelings cause she does live with me and I guess I just dont think much about, which makes me feel even more guilty. I am sorry for babbling but I honestly feel like screaming, crying, kicking, whatever to make this all go away. My brother and sister-in-law live about 30 mins. away and they help but I am the one that is with her day in day out. It is just so frustrating. I just dont know what to do, dont know how to make her feel better, I am just lost. Thanks for listening(reading) Not sure this has even made much sense. As always I am praying for each of you and your family Rhonda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ztweb Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Oh Rhonda...it is ok to let it out. We all want to beat cancer to the curb, and you cannot feel guilty about that. Everything that used to be normal is gone, and you are yet to create a new normal. That part sucks. It is hard on both you and her, and you are not alone in that either. We all have things we feel for our loved ones, and yet there is so much that we don't say because we know we are not the ones with cancer. Stay strong, stick with us, and we will help you through. Please know you are in our prayers. Jen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teriw Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Rhonda, It's extremely difficult to be going through this everyday. Sometimes it simply becomes too much. My husband and I have always been very good at acknowledging that neither of us can possibly begin to truly know what the other is going through. I think that's helped us. It's really important that you are able to let out your feelings with someone (like you've done here). While I would never suggest that you deny your own needs, I would encourage you to really talk to your mom about what she's going through and try to take it in from her perspective. Because it's that compassion that will help you through, and help your mom too. And when it gets too much, take a step out even if it's something simple like going to a movie with a friend, or a walk, or whatever. Stay strong, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laban Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Oh Rhonda, We do know how you're feeling. I had no idea how difficult it was going to be. People would always ask me, How are you doing? and I'd say just fine. Over time, living with a loved on with a cancer diagnosis, just simply wears on us. The thoughts are the toughest thing for me. The what ifs?, the what about me'?, what will it be like when it's over? Yes, Mom is the one who has the disease and for that we have to shrug off our feelings and let them vent. Just listen to Mom. She's scared silly. Rhonda, please come here to vent, holler, yell, let off steam, every day, if you need to. We understand. I pray that you have the faith that God will give you the strength to get you through each day, one at a time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nova Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 You've expressed so many of my thoughts and feelings.... This is the hardest, scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. I used to think I could handle anything that was thrown at me -- in a dignified, quiet, lady-like manner, using the "common sense" approach.. HA! Harry being treated for cancer just tossed that whole theory right out the window! I'm thinking of you, and wishing I had a magic wand to "poof" us all back to our old lives....Thank you for writing your feelings. It lets those of us who are feeling the same way, know we're not alone! Take care of yourself, Nova Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenlaureti Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Oh Rhonda, I don't live with my Dad but so understand how it hurts inside and really, you want only the best for your mom. Maybe you can just ask her, "what do you want mom", what can I do to help. Maybe take a ride to a park with her, or just get away near an ocean with her. Sometimes, getting away can help. My thoughts are with you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nomadawn Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 Hi Rhonda I am so sorry you are feeling low right now but I do think what you are feeling is quite normal. It is so difficult as a caregiver to always know the right thing to say and do . I always thought i could handle everything sensibly and practibly. I am confident and outgoing but I have to admit my mums illness has 'knocked the stuffing' out of me and I am often at a loss as to how best to help her. I think talking openly to each other helps. I know my mum must be so scared but she has never said this to me so I feel I cant bring it up for her to talk about for fear of upsetting her. It is so hard.I just wanted to let you know that what you feel is common but you are doing the best you can to take care of your mum & you just being there helps at times without the talking stuff.You are doing a good job and you have the right to be tired also - we all have. God bless you both Debbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fillise Posted May 16, 2007 Share Posted May 16, 2007 I think it sounds like you had a good talk with your mom about both of your feelings. This stupid disease is hard on everyone--and in different ways. At any rate, we are always here when you need to vent. Susan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beat it Posted May 17, 2007 Share Posted May 17, 2007 I JUST had this happen to me too!! There I was gripping at my husband about how I keep giving and giving trying to be the best advoate I can be for his mom and all of our family. Complaining I too need to be recharged, that I cant always give and never get back. ( which I do "get back" but I was being selfish ) Then today I learn of more anxiety attacks and more intense pain for the MIL that had the onc change the pain meds to straight oral morphine. Yeah and do I feel like dirt now. I think we all go thru this at some point. It is good to hear of your emotions as it puts mine into reality.......We're all human and its hard on us all, cancer or cancer free. Thanks for posting, keep posting and prayers for you. Beat it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandyW Posted May 17, 2007 Share Posted May 17, 2007 Ya know what always helped me in that same situation?? Go out outside tonight and have a talk with the man. Tell him how it is. Let it all hang out and do not hold back. god above listens and responds, sometimes in strnage ways, but he responds. Make sure you apologize for yelling and screaming though. Do no leave God Mad for any reason. Hope this helps. Worked a lot for me whebn things were rough. AND THEY HAVE BEEN!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddyslittlegirl Posted May 17, 2007 Share Posted May 17, 2007 I'm so sorry you and your mom had this difficult time. It's nice that you were able to talk about it and come to an understanding. I can't say that I can completly relate to what you are going through. I don't live wiht my dad (although I wish I did) and am not his primary care giver. So I know that in addition to your emotional stress your are also experiencing some physical stress. I commend you for all you are doing. I also know there is know way that I can begin to understand what your mom and my dad are feeling. My dad is very strong around me so I try to do the same for him. Even though I have my many breakdowns I try my best not to do it around him. I don't want him to worry about me in addition to what he's already dealing with. After all if we don't demonstrate hope and a positive attitude how can we expect them to have any? So I look to my husband and the people here for my support. Please know that we are hear to listen to you at any time. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welthy Posted May 17, 2007 Share Posted May 17, 2007 Rhonda, Just big hugs of understanding from someone who has been living this for over two years. It is hard, but I figure it's better then the alternative. I feel like I'm slipping a lot mentally and emotionally lately too. Hoping for many better days ahead for your household. Warm regards, Welthy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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