gail Posted October 18, 2003 Share Posted October 18, 2003 You know, we are at such a strange place with our diagnosises. We have lobes removed, and are told we are done. Then we have pain, coughs, and the traumas continue. Here's what I have learned in two and a half years of being stage 1A: 1. The area of the surgery does not and probably will not ever feel normal again. Of course it is the same side as by previous two breast cancers, and I did have radiation to that side as well. 2. I don't do well on airplanes anymore. Between 9/11 and shortness of breath, and the article I read on lousy airplane air, I usually end up taking an ativan to relax. 3. After two years, the pulminologist did confirm that I now have asthma. And I am down a lobe, so I have to be more cognizant of my breathing. Of course, I have 3 cats, a dog, and live in pine trees. And I will not get rid of the pets, since they help me emotionally. So I take my inhaler daily, at least through allergy season. I was resistant to daily use, buy the chest tightness doesn't feel well either. 4. The therapist, the anti-depressents, and my monthly massages have all been crucial to establishing my own well-being. It took me three cancers to learn this, but it is never too late. My house is a wreck, my yard is littered with leaves, but my marriage is good, and I love my eight year olds. 5. Restaging, or a new primary, can happen at any moment. People have heart attacks, car accidents. I am learning where to put my "emotional energy", as my therapist puts it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted October 18, 2003 Share Posted October 18, 2003 And the wisdom goes on, I think. Lucie has asthma, we have two dogs (like you, not to give away but to cherish and get support), and we live among the pines. She uses inhalers, and every now and then, she has to use a nebulizer for several days. It soulnds like you have come to terms with what is and moving to what can be. Good for you. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 I was asked just this week what I have learned from this "lesson"... I would have to say what I have learned (& I'm IIIa) is: I am not afraid to die, I just don't want to do it any time soon. I shouldn't assume I will outlive my spouse due to our age difference and the seven year differential for male vs. female, he COULD outlive me. I am where I am for a reason, I just need to find that reason. I DO have an idea as to what it may be and will be taking steps in that direction this weekend... Life should never be taken for granted. Decide on what is important and do it first (like eating dessert first, darn it all!). In all seriousness, my family now comes before work. Yes, I need A job, but if I die tomorrow, the company will replace me - my family can't. PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) is a good thing to have, along with a sense of humor. A good laugh is a cure for many things - makes the heart sing. Friends should be cherished, they're with you by choice, not by blood. Ask for help when needed, and give it to those who are in need. ...and that, when there is nothing else, there is always HOPE. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 23, 2003 Author Share Posted October 23, 2003 Hey--some good thoughts there. Thanks. I chuckled with your "I just need to find the reason". After my thirdgo-round, I gave up on trying to figure it out. I just wanted to live another day, then another, and another. We can teach others what we've learned. We've had cancer--are we really going to worry about the leaves in the yard? gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobmc Posted October 24, 2003 Share Posted October 24, 2003 Hey, Gail, Becky & Don, Thanks for the bits of inspiration; I must add, I've learned to pray alot more these days. Never, thought I'd do that, never thought I'd get the strength and comfort . But I do and it's cool. I simply ask that I accept gods will for me today and that those stricken with this disease be taken care of. Amazes me how things have changed at times. Gotta be a purpose. Certainly do look at life differently these days!! Good to be a survivor today! dispite all!! God bless and be well Bobmc- NSCLC- stageIIB- left pneumonectomy- 5/2/01 " absolutely insist on enjoying life today!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 24, 2003 Author Share Posted October 24, 2003 You know Bob, you are right. I did give up trying to figure it out, and I think that IS my purpose. To show people that today is a good day. Someone will ask me how I'm doing. I've said " I got up this morning, I'm here and I'm breathing. Life is good". And yes, then I thank God for that. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eileen Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 Gail I am not sure how to answer this, and it may not be what people want to hear, because in the beginning of my diagnosis I had all these great thoughts: to cherish each day as it comes, to treat people nice, to appreciate nature, etc. Unfortunately, or fortunately, after 3 and a half years, I am pretty much back to my normal self-I have not had any great revelations about life and how we should love each day that we have---I take life for granted, I do not cherish each day, I get cranky like every one else, and I don't always appreciate what I have--I whine about my job, I complain when I have to clean my house, I get mad at my sister ---I basically have forgotten that I ever had cancer except for this board. I do not have the breathing capacity that I once had, but because I was not a marathon runner or did not go to the gym, I never gave anything up. I don't think about it coming back except at scan time---and then I am nervous. What a change from when I first learned I had cancer---At that point, with all my good deeds, and thoughts that I had, I could have qualified for sainthood I guess what I have learned is that lung cancer is not always a death sentence, that sometimes life does return to the way it was , that it is OK not to live life for every day and start planning for the future, and that not everyone grows a halo when they have or had cancer :wink . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 25, 2003 Author Share Posted October 25, 2003 It took me until my third cancer (the lung), to really sit up and regroup. My body was screaming at me to stop what I was doing. I just talked to my sister about this. After 1 cancer, I ignored the whole thing. Pretended it never happenend and refused to talk about it. After the 2nd, I had chemo, and ended up in ICU for 11 days. That was scarey, and I thought I did change my life. With this last one, I threw my hands up in the air and said I quit trying to create a picture-perfect life, and quit thinking how life "should" be. I am not Susie Sunshine, I still have rotten moments, but I also let go of stuff much quicker. It's not worth it. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DaveG Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 I used to be the moderator for this Forum: Early Stage NSCLC, but I learned, in the time it takes to do a chest CT Scan, that you can go from Stage I to Stage IV, very quickly. I used to feel very spared, when I was Stage I. I felt lucky and that many prayers had been answered. Now, as a Stage IV, I am humbled by the fact that prayers have again been answered, and my lymphatic tumors are now stable (also after almost 4 months of chemo). I learned, also, that those obligatory 3 month check ups are very important and that being scanned, every 6 months, isn't a bad idea. Now I'm scanned every 6 weeks, as part of a clinical trial. As a former Stage I, I look at envy upon being a Stage I, but one has to realize that staying at Stage I is not guaranteed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eileen Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 There are never guarantees on anything--I realize that I can be stage 4 tomorrow---I could also be hit by a bus or a truck ---(those poor buses or trucks get blamed for hitting everything--how come we do not say "I could be hit by a car?) I just cannot live my life in fear and am very glad I am back to "normal" Nothing I can do or feel will stop the cancer from coming back---if it is meant to be---so be it. I know it may seem smug or presumptuous--but I cannot live my life in the fear that the cancer may come back any time.- I have to go back to being the way I was before Lung cancer,. lets face it---we are all going to die some day ---we are all terminal when you think about it. Maybe I am in denial, but what other action can I take? Fear will not guarantee that the cancer will not come back. I certainly realize that I am one scan away from being stage 4, but so is everyone in the world. regards Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 25, 2003 Author Share Posted October 25, 2003 I don't think you are in denial at all Eileen. And Dave, I think stage 1 people know there are no guarantees, but there none for anyone. After 9/11 I remember the families talking about a "new normal". I think that is where I am. I have always felt very strongly that my body reacted to stress by growing tumors. I could not reach outward, but turned everything inside. My new normal is much more animated and vocal. And I love it. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debi Posted October 26, 2003 Share Posted October 26, 2003 What a great thread this is...and I relate to so much of what has been said! As I've posted before..I'm in that struggle of trying to find my life after my diagnosis and how to live it without constant fear. My diagnosis has been the monster in my closet, the boogey man under my bed. Its the sound of a footstep outside my window..and being convinced that its the madman from all those old horror flicks I used to watch, coming to get me. Its everything that I've ever feared..rolled into one. As the holiday approaches I wonder if I'm going to have more holidays.. if my son is going to remember me and the times we've spent if I don't. I realize every single day that my stay at Stage 1A is not guaranteed and fight constantly to keep that realization dim. I struggle to find my positive "space" and be able to look at my son without thinking that I am running out of time with him. Eileen, something you said in particular hit home... lets face it---we are all going to die some day ---we are all terminal when you think about it. Maybe I am in denial, but what other action can I take? Fear will not guarantee that the cancer will not come back. I certainly realize that I am one scan away from being stage 4, but so is everyone in the world. I love it.. this kind of puts things in perspective for me and I hope that after my tests next month and more time under my belt, I'll be able to live by your words...they are so true!! Hopefully, with the help of all of you who have come before me, I will be able to find my "new normal" because I don't want to live in fear....I don't feel spared at all... but wish I could feel spared. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted October 26, 2003 Share Posted October 26, 2003 OmiGAWD, you people! What do you MEAN I'm not going to live forever?? Life awakening and sainthood? Not here, still have road rage and can point out EVERY idiot on the road (hey, I stopped DATING @#$^* morons, now the idiot magnet works when I'm encased by my car)... I TRY to be more "gentle" just for the stress in MY life it relieves....and then I WAKE UP! LOL I think some of the changes I've attempted to make since the diagnosis were things I needed to take care of anyway (damn random beer trucks!). Of course, NOW I can't up my life insurance which was something I was going to do when I "got older"....ain't no one knocking on my door now for the quick easy buck... Yeah, I'm a little more "pious" come test time....BUT, enjoy more walks in the rain, the smell of autumn, etc. Things I've never "had time for" are things I MAKE time for - after all, how long does it take to inhale the scent of wet leaves? ANYWAY, I've learned things that I'll probably tuck away until I need a "warm fuzzy", BUT, they are lessons learned and the voice of "I told you so" will resonate when I do the same darn thing again that I "shoulda learned" earlier.... Guess that's what makes us all human... Love you guys, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 26, 2003 Author Share Posted October 26, 2003 Hey Deb- I started this nonsense in response to your post about going away. So actually YOU started this !!!! I have also learned through the long and winding path, that everyone is different (DUH!), and this "new normal" for me is in direct relationship to my personality, which I am finally starting to understand, yes, even after all these years. I am finally starting to discover me, and not who I think I "should" be. Yes, it's another DUH. I have 4 sisters, and finally see how every one of our personalities are a little different, and how we all use our resources to cope. I hope no one was offended. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DaveG Posted October 26, 2003 Share Posted October 26, 2003 Hey, I'm just a IV who lurked into Early Stage to see whats happenin'. I just felt like I need to make a cooment. Can I be an Honorary I? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debi Posted October 26, 2003 Share Posted October 26, 2003 Hey Gail... Don't you go blaming this on ME!!!! Anyway, I meant to say in my other post, I agree with what you said about the stress in your life. I've been reading books particularly about the affects of stress on your body and as a result have started thinking of a way to leave my job. In the meantime, am going to study relaxation techniques to try to get through the coming stressful season without reacting daily to the stress which I honestly can see now has a big impact on me. Well, time to get to my piles of laundry that are stacked up in my dining room...talk about leaves in the yard...at least you can close the blinds! And Dave..I vote to keep you here...you have been so involved on this board no matter what stage you are ... but I think we would definitely like to keep you here as an honorary I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 26, 2003 Author Share Posted October 26, 2003 Dave, you don't even have to lurk. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted October 27, 2003 Share Posted October 27, 2003 "...not every one grows a halo..." I use to have a couple of cowlicks that looked a little like horns, but that was before my hair fell out... Now I just look like someone who has a heavy 5 oclock shadow ALL OVER MY HEAD! Fay A. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EileenM Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 HI I haven't been to the boards lately. So interesting to read all your posts. I just didn't want to think about Cancer for awhile BUT I did anyway. My right side is a constant reminder During the past month I suddenly had bouts of sadness overwhelm me. Just came out of nowhere! And I was glad to read Eileen's post: because in the beginning of my diagnosis I had all these great thoughts: to cherish each day as it comes, to treat people nice, to appreciate nature, etc. Because that's how I've been feeling since this all started. A few times this past month I found myself behaving "normal" by complaining about the constant annoyance of my right side to anyone who would listen (but being grateful at the same time about the Stage 1A diagnosis) ; surviving a 2 hour ride in the car (2 hours both ways) and not feeling guilty about sleeping the next day away; and when the sadness came on I just went with it and didn't apologize(before I'd either swallow hard or wait til I was alone). Oh well, nothing like being on a roller coaster ride of emotions! Don't know what I'll be like to be around before I go for my first follow-up Catscan next month. I'm already getting nervous about it and I have about 3 weeks before I make my appointment. Happy Halloween to all! EileenM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gail Posted October 28, 2003 Author Share Posted October 28, 2003 I used to get myself so worked up with the pretest jitters. Try to do something fun. All tests are scheduled around something "fun". Get a manicure, or a massage. The roller coaster has its ups along with the downs. Keep looking for the ups. gail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Hi Gail I will take your suggestion and "run" with it. A manicure sounds good or shopping for baby clothes. My 3rd grandchild is due the middle of November - when my scheduled Catscan happens I will be able to shop for Pink or Blue clothes instead of Yellow or Green. Thanks for the good advice!!! EileenM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Estrea Posted October 28, 2003 Share Posted October 28, 2003 Wow, I just read through this thread and I think it is great and very healthy. Gail, I know how you feel...I have alternated between all sorts of emotions during the last 5 years. I have tried to live my life as if each day was my last...and that has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion cause I don't take any b-s- from anyone anymore. It also gave me the chance to have kids -- as old as I was Marc and I were ready to throw in the towel. But, my dx gave us new insight and the idea that no one lives forever meant we didn't want to go through life never knowing the joys of parenthood. So, despite being "one scan away from Stage IV," we took the chance and here we are with two beautiful almost two year olds. But, yes, I do still get nuts over the dopiest things...and then I come here to these boards and it sets me straight again. I need to get my perspective and thanks to you all I do. As my husband, Marc, would say, "after Lung Cancer (fill in the blank) is nothing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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