I swore I wouldn't cry

[Debaroo]

I cried in front of my dad today...something I swore I wouldn't do-because I didn't want to upset him or make him think that I thought he was a hopeless case.

He brought up that we leave for Disney on Sat (a trip that he and my Mom were to take with us-but now they can't). He said that he wishes they could come and he looked so sad. So I went over and sat next to him and hugged him and said that I wished they could, too. Then I started to tear up and cry, not sobbing, just tears. He bit his lip. Then, of course, my mom rushed off the phone to see what we were saying (which annoyed me because I wanted to be able to have a private conversation with my dad). So I went into the other room, "to get the kids"-for fear that I would break down.

I feel so guilty. Guilty for leaving the room-for leaving him...and guilty for starting to cry in the first place. I feel like crap.

I'm annoyed with my mom for several things that she has said to me and done lately (completely unrelated to my dad-she's been so judgemental lately about my husband not finishing the work that he's been doing on our house-which he has been working his a** off on). She even called me upset that my dad was having a hard time breathing-she said that when he gets "emotional and upset it makes it really hard for him to breathe", I asked her what he was upset about (figuring it was his condition and all the stress of it) and she said "because Rob hasn't finished the work on the house, and you don't have your pool covered yet" Gee, mom, thanks for the NEW guilt trip...I don't think she should have told me this, and I told her to lie, tell him its covered and so now he won't be upset and he'll be able to breathe. She keeps saying things like that, and what happened today just made me more aggravated and made me more upset.

I just want some time alone with my dad, and she will not give it to me. She's always had to be in the center of everything, and if I asked her, kindly, if my dad and I coudl have some alone time she would get all passive-aggressive on me and put a guilt trip on me (I know, because I've tried).

I don't know what to do. I'm not getting angry at her, at least, I'm not showing it because I don't want to upset my dad, and I know that she is going through alot, too. So I have been able to keep my fuse from reaching the blowing point (NOT EASY, seeing as how I am the type of person that tends to tell it like it is-so having to sugar coat everything is really hard, but I have to. It would not be right to blow up-I know that.)

So, here I am, crying at my computer...crying to you guys. I've said it before, and I'll say it now "Thank God for this message board, and for the people that make it the safe haven that it is."

Take care, everybody...I need a cup of coffee. Deb

[bluebayou]

Katie is sooooooooo right. Make it happen. You will never regret doing so. Your mother has to move over right now, for just a little bit, and make room for you to spend some quiet loving time with your father.

P.S. What is it about mothers anyway??!! Are they born with that talent they seem to share i.e. putting us thru some major guilt trips.

[kimblanchard]

Gee Deb - can you just TELL your mother that you are going to have some alone time with your dad - not ASK her?? Could you just take him for the afternoon out somewhere just the two of you? To a park, to a restaurant, anywhere??????? Would he be able to do that with you? She will get over it somehow and if she doesn't well it is her problem.

I wish I could help you in some way. This is so hard I know.

Blessings and prayers for YOU right now...

Peg

[Don Wood]

Deb, don't beat up on yourself for crying in front of your dad. First, you are human, not a robot, and, second, it demonstrates to him how much you care. I agree wholeheartedly with the others that you should make the time to be one-on-one with your dad, regardless of your mother's barbs. I think it is a good idea to take him somewhere for a few hours, where just the two of you can enjoy each other. You will regret it if you don't. All we have is today, and we need to make the most of it. Go! Don

[awpoint]

Hi Deb How about a different approach. " Mom I know you are stressed out why don't you go out with your friends for a little while and I will stay with Dad". That is the approach my kids use. She must be tried and scared too. Hope it will work for you. Or if she doesn't want to go out say "I will take Dad-------and you can have some time to yourself". I hope it will work for you I know you need time with your Dad. Maybe she wants some attention too. Anne

[gail p-m]

((((((((HUGS))))))) to you!!! I know it's not easy and you remind me a lot of Katie B. I think of you as a wonderful daughter/caregiver to your Dad. I can't add very much cause others have said it all but you do need some time alone with you Dad and if you can't get it by asking your Mom, then by all means as others have suggested, tell your Mom that you're taking your Dad out. I do regret not taking advantage of some "private" time with my Mom before she "passed" and I'll always have those regrets.

As for crying in front of your Dad, as others have already said, you are human and your Dad knows how much you love him. He knows they were tears of love.

Guilt -- Moms seem to lay guilt trips on their kids. Don't know why that is. I keep telling myself that I'm going to try to avoid doing that to my kids, but who knows? However, your primary concern right now is your Dad. You'll have time with your MOm later on; right now, your primary focus has to be on your Dad.

Take care, Deb -- and do what you have to do. (I know from your many posts that you are a "take charge" person and it must be so very difficult to bite your tongue!!!

You and your family deserve to have a good time in Disneyland too -- remember that! You won't be of much help to your Mom and Dad unless you take care of yourself and your needs, one of which is spending some quality time with your husband and kids. As you and your husband know, the home improvements can wait. There are other life priorities that are much more immediate.

Let us know how Disney goes.

Gail P-M

[kimblanchard]

Deb

Are you sure your mother didn't know my mother? Seriously, my mother was the queen of guilt trips, the all time champion and your mother sounds so much like her. It used to drive me up the wall but in retrospect I have to laugh at her attempts. Obviously your mother is the one who is upset about your husband's chores and not your dad, I think he has enough to worry about. She sounds like she is transferring her frustrations about your dad's illness to anyone she can right now and it sounds like your husband and you are prime targets. I hate to admit this but since my diagnosis I tend to find more fault with my daughters's husband and my sons ex-wife than I did before. I guess we don't want to complain about the illness so we complain about other things. You are right, she is going through a lot right now, try to bear with her but also try to get her out of the house so you can spend some time with your dad alone. Good luck

Bess B

[Ry]

Well then there's always the sneaky tag team approach .

Don't I remember you have a sister? How about sis takes mom shopping and you do whatever with your dad?

[Snowflake]

Deb,

Make sure you take LOTS of pictures and bring Dad back some mouse ears!

I'm all for kidnapping Dad - and if he can't leave the house, have some of Mom's friends kidnap HER! Should be easy enough to drop a strong "hint" on the Bridge Club that Mom is just OVERWHELMED with the DEMANDS of being caretaker and could use some TIME OUT (Sounds like she needs A "time out" in the corner!) with friends to RELIEVE some of her stress...

...and daddies know that little girls cry. It's not the first time he's seen you cry, he's your daddy! How "strong" was he when his little girl got married? It's okay to cry, he understands.

Peace,

Becky

[stephnewyork34]

This is a silly idea but a fun one, Take a photo of your Dad and blow it up, past it onto a stick and take it to Disneyland/World, and then tape record the whole thing. Your Dad with Mickey, etc, him on Mr Toad's wild ride, etc. Just like he is there.

Some of us who were working on Mulan in Orlando, did that for a friend of ours who was suppose to come to FL, but couldn't fly, so we actually made a puppet of him and took him all around the park, and even in the studio, it was fun for us and he loved it. So if you have time, make a puppet., or a photo is easier and will work just as well.It is silly, but it may make him laugh.

As for your Mother, *tisk tisk* she shouldn't be guilting you, but you know she may be in the "placing blame" stage, and so your husband is getting the blame because of the house stuff. I am sure she is just venting her stress, or taking it out on you. It isn't right, but she is human.

Also I totally agree with Katie, you must get some a lone time with your Dad, you and your Mom have time to make things right.

My stepfather and sister told me and my aunt we couldn't ring my Mom, (well it was hard for her to talk in fairness) but it was hard, and I was so afraid I wouldn't be able to talk to her if she died in surgery, etc, so I did call, and it was all fine. But also our parents know that we love them, so even if the worst had happened, Mom would've known I love her, and so will your Dad.

I shouldn't write this because Mom goes on the board and I don't want her to get upset with my stepfather, but when she was sick last month and going into surgery, he was giving me guilt sort of like that. Saying that my stress I put on her was making her sick and stupid things like that, also calling me selfish, etc. (she supported me all summer financially and has pretty much paid for my car the last two years and helped me many other months, because I am an traditional artist in animation and there has been no work, so I have been struggling) anyhow, I let it go because I knew he was just finding a way to vent his anger. It was hard, and I cried a lot, but I needed to be strong for him and my Mom. So I understand that you may get mad at your Mom for saying these things, but it is alright,

As for crying, I know how you feel, I never cry in front of MOm about the cancer, now that she is probably reading this she knows, but it is okay, and dont' feel guilty, but if you need to hide it, we are here always.

Hugs and I hope you have a fun trip.

[Debaroo]

Thank you ALL so much for your suggestions...I feel stupid that I didn't think of them myself.

I am going to get mom out with a friend of hers and get some alone time with my dad. I really appreciate all of your support. Just posting here made me feel better and then when I read all of your replies, I felt like I could breathe again.

I will let you all know how things go. I will be on as much as I can before we leave for Florida on Sat.. It is going to drive me crazy that I won't be able to check in here for a week! But, I still have the rest of the week before the trip, and I will of course be back after Nov 1st.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply. I love you all. Take care, Deb

[Andrea B.]

Oh Deb, I am sending you a big hug right now! How hard we try to always be strong for our parents. I told myself I wouldn't cry in front of my mom - I have done it once right after she was diagnosed. I almost did it again the other day. It is so very hard!

Also, I think no matter what you should focus on alone time with your dad. I know there have already been several suggestions. But I really think it would be so important to you right now.

Please know I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs.

[OhioKat]

I hope you get some good time with your Dad