The Heart of Our Homes

[MomsGirl]

What is it with Moms? They are so much the heart of our homes, no matter how old we get. Trish's post made me think of all the strange and sad things that happen and how often the wheels fall off the bus of a family when Mom is gone. The change is unbelievable.

This weekend I was trying out my 8mm video camera with our new plasma TV - I popped in some tapes with my mom and braced myself. There she was, as alive as ever, holding babies, making my kids feel like the most special kids in the world, taking such pleasure in their joy, loving them unconditionally. And then in the family movies, just bustling around, making Thanksgiving dinner, passing out gifts at Christmas, all the things you do kind of take for granted until she is gone. Then my son said "NOW I remember what she sounds like..." Oh, knives in my heart. They were SO close, and he is forgetting her. That's when I really started to cry.

But what I really noticed about the tapes is how she was almost always in the background. Grant it, as a parent the camera is usually focused on the kids and the cute stuff they are doing or the birthday events, etc...but her being in the background so symbolized what a mom does. She is the support system, the framework that the whole family is built on. Humble, loving, loyal, fiercely protective, strong, always there when you need her, knowing what to do without ever asking.

The pain of missing her has sharpened after watching these tapes. But I also have been dreaming about her again, and now she talks to me. She's never engaged in what's going on around us, but the other night at the end of the dream when I hugged her and cried and said I missed her, she hugged me back as usual but then actually said "I MISS YOU TOO...SO MUCH." I woke up and could still hear her voice and feel her arms around me, and it was so sad but actually kind of comforting in a strange way.

Part of me continues to be bitter as my kids grow and change, I know many of us go through this. Does it ever get better? Will my joy at my kids' changes and milestones always be tinged with sadness that she is not here to see it? My daughter has evolved from a rather difficult three-year-old to a little girl that is so much like I was, and I know my mom would revel in that. My son told me the other day that I embarrassed him by dancing the store - I just laughed and ruffled his hair, but I thought of my mom and how she would be the one person that could NOT embarrass him. She never knew him at this more grown up stage. And the baby, who just turned nine months old...well, don't get me started on that. He holds my face between his fat little hands and says clear as day "MUM". He is the charming little "imp" (as my mom would say) that she would have not been able to keep her hands off of.

Well, I'm rambling. I guess I just keep wondering when this will be real. It's been a year and though I dwell on it less than I did six months ago, I think maybe that's because it's easier to do that than to actually think of her not being here. It's SO painful still, and it's becoming so permanent....

[RandyW]

It will always be painful but by remembering and thinking of all the good times and not the disease times, I think it becomes less painful and easier to think of. Remember the good times!!!

[Maryanne]

You are lucky that you dream and actully talk to you mom. I have heard that love ones who have departed do visit some in dreams. So you should feel some peace with that.

I know the hurt of losing a mom and as it does get easier with time there are times when you just need her there so bad.

I went through the tape thing and all the hurt seeing her again but I am also so glad I have these memories that live on through these tapes and moms always live on in our hearts in that special place just reserved for them.

Your post tore at my heartstrings this morning and I just want you to know that Iam thinking of you.

(((((((MICHELE)))))))

Maryanne

[lc46]

Your post broke my heart. I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and for everyone on here who has lost someone. I hate this disease so much.

Dar

[Trish]

Michele,

Reading your post--I totally get it! I put some video tapes in from Christmas several years and my kids were entranced! Listening and hearing and seeing my mom was like she was still her. I sobbed like the day she passed. Then, the more tapes we put in, I realized the same things you said. I do feel bitter too about her missing each of their events and I don't want them to forget about her. Maybe I need to get the videos out more often or is that more for the grown ups.

Anyway Michele, when I read your posts and see the pictures of your kids & your mom, I feel your loss. I'm not sure that it has gotten easier but I used to know exactly how many weeks she had been gone and would think of it every Thursday but after the year mark and all the other stuff started happening, I feel like I'm just missing her more and like you, missing what she would be doing with her grandkids or the advice she would give me. I saw the stores making way for Halloween and it's almost like I dread Christmas coming this year. My husband told me that I have 2 kids who love Christmas because of all the traditions my mom had and that I need to pull it together for them and my sister and her family. He's right. I know how you feel though and if you need an ear to listen, I'm here.

Trish