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Is it almost over?


Guest shannygirl

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Guest shannygirl

Hi everyone,

My step-dad has lung cancer. He went to hospice last week because they were going to put some sort of pump in him for pain medication. He hasn't really been with it ever since they started him on the medication. My Mom told the hospice staff this morning that she wanted my step-dad's medication to be lowered. She wants to be able to talk with him, etc. He had been off the pain medication for 3 hours when my Mom went to visit. He thought the CNA had been flirting with him all day, and when my Mom asked him if he was in pain he started crying, said he hurt everywhere, then got extremely violent with her. He slapped her hand a couple of times and punched her in the chest. He's never put his hands on my Mom before. He told her he didn't want her there, that he wanted a divorce, etc. My Mom left the room and had them start him back on the medication.

Also, my step-father hasn't eaten in a few days, and spit his food out this morning after they stopped the pain meds. The nurse told my Mom that he should go fairly soon now if he isn't fed or given water. My Mom asked about having him tube fed, but the nurse asked her why she'd want to feed the tumors and extend his suffering.

I guess my first question is my step-father's behavior "normal" for what is going on? I know the cancer is pretty much all over, especially in his spinal cord and adrenal glands. I'd also like to know how long it is going to take for him to pass. I guess I just wonder if that isn't kind of cruel.

When it's all said and done, we all knew this day would come, but it sure isn't turning out to be the death I pictured for a great man. I feel like the pain medications have stolen the last days of his life from him. Obviously you don't want anyone you love to suffer and be in pain, but it just seems a little sad to me that it's happenig this way. I figured he'd pass away at home, surrounded by people who love him. Now, his last memories are of what? Screaming at my Mom and thinking she's cheating on him? I'm sad for my step-father. He deserves a nicer death. My Mom deserves better too if you ask me.

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble. God bless everyone.

PS...I'd love to hear other people's opinions as far as controlling pain. Does controlling their pain mean they need to pretty much be unconscious? Is there something they can give my step-father to help with the pain, and aggression, without making it where he can't function? Or is this just the process of dying? I guess I'm worried he's leaving before he's ready because of the choices hospice workers are somewhat...I dont' want to say making, but encouraging my mom to make on my dad's behalf. Obviously he's going to pass away. He was only given 2 months and he's passed that by a couple of weeks. Am I asking too much to want him to be able to be conscious, to know he's loved, and not alone? I hate that he's drugged out and doesn't even know what is going on. Anyway, thanks AGAIN for listening!!

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Shannygirl,

Somebody should ask the head of the

hospice where he is about the medication

they are giving him (morphine?)and the

side effects..........

About the pain management...

About the liquid food they could give him...

Make a lisy of what is on your mind

and ASK.......you/or your mother

have the right to get an answer.

He is not in control when he gets violent

it is the sickness, the side effects of the

medication or the pain that is not under

control.

As far as time, nobody could tell,

only God, so a prayer may be in order.

Jackie

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Hi Shannygirl:

I'm so sorry to read this post and know how hard it must be on everyone. Have you spoken to Hospice about Ativan or some other anti anxiety medication. My mother was on liquid morphine and ativan every 3 hours for pain and anxiety and it helped her a lot. Prayers for strength & Peace. God Bless

wendyr

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I also agree with the anti-anxiety meds. The cancer progression and the pain medication can make him confused and act aggressively, Jackie's right, those actions are NOT him....I hope your mom understands that.

Speak up, ask about the anti-anxiety meds and try to strike a balance between pain management and over-medication if at all possible. Sometimes that is just too hard to do...

I'm keeping your family in my thoughts during this difficult time. I'm so sorry you all are going thru this.

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I wish I could answer your questions.... "This isn't how I pictured the death of a great person" were thoughts that I had almost exactly with my Mom too.

It's so hard at this point to know if it the meds or the tumors or the process causing any given thing.

Definitely check into the Ativan. They even have liquid Ativan/Morphine if swallowing is an issue.

I'm so sorry you are here, and so sorry that you have to see him suffering so and acting in these ways that are so unlike the man that you love so much. I know it hurts.

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WE can always listen to a "Rant" or a "rave" here. Your Step Dad is Dying.

HE is in Pain and In fear of the unknown. He is angry and Probably a little ashamed and thats why he made the divorce Comment. Its hard to be a proud man when you are facing your immortality I think. Tha eaggresion and the emotions are a result of this. He is ashamed of who he has become and it is NOT HIS FAULT. It is cancers fault. He loves you all very much but again the emotions play into things and expressing things here.

My late wife walked across the room before she died MINUTES Before. she had been on oxycontin every 12 hours. and oxycodone for Break out with Morphine shots on request. The last thing she said was that she loved me. I am telling you this so you know that he may be aware of things hours and minutes before he passes. No one knows for sure though and every person is different.

You are not a terrible person for asking about how long before he dies. It is a scary experience to see someone who is your rock and a father Figure go through something so tramatic. You love him I am sure and do not want to see him suffer. WHen he passes, he will not suffer anymore. He will always be with you in spirit and in memories and love. Memories are the one thing no one can ever take away from us though and do not forget that.

Prayers and Hugs and Much love to you and your whole Family in this time of PAin and suffering.

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Guest shannygirl

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write me. Your words brought tears to my eyes..happy tears. It's always nice to know that there are people who are loving, kind, and most importantly, understand.

My step-dad woke up today. My Mom thought maybe the nurse's had lowered his medications, but they hadn't. He knew his Mom was coming and I think he wanted to be awake for her. My Mom was frustrated that my step-dad's Mother gave him Boost (the drink) and encouraged my Mom to feed him food. My step-dad was in terrible pain today, and I just hate the thought of prolonging his suffering. He was given atavan (sp) today because he had a room full of people visiting, and my Mom thought he felt overwhelmed.

My step-dad told his Mom tonight that he's going to die tomorrow. She told him to stop talking like that. I think maybe he's waiting for her to tell him it's okay to pass away.

Like I said earlier, he was in a lot of pain and seemed extremely agitated. Everyone finally left and my Mom rubbed his head, and told him his brother was waiting for him in Heaven. He seemed to relax as she talked to him.

For all of you who have lost a loved one, and especially to those of you who took care of your loved one, I just want to send out a big hug to each of you. You are my heroes. My Mom has been through hell and back with my step-dad, with no help from anyone for the last year. She stood by his side through the very best and the very worst. I hate cancer, and I hate that it's taking someone I love, but through all of the horror I witnessed some of the most loving, beautiful acts of kindness in my entire life. I'm glad my Mom had my step-dad in her life, but I feel more thankful that he was loved by my Mom. He deserved her, and all the goodness, kindness, and love she's provided him, especially in the past year. God bless all of you, and thanks again for "listening" and responding.

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Guest shannygirl

Thanks to all of you who took the time to write me. Your words brought tears to my eyes..happy tears. It's always nice to know that there are people who are loving, kind, and most importantly, understand.

My step-dad woke up today. My Mom thought maybe the nurse's had lowered his medications, but they hadn't. He knew his Mom was coming and I think he wanted to be awake for her. My Mom was frustrated that my step-dad's Mother gave him Boost (the drink) and encouraged my Mom to feed him food. My step-dad was in terrible pain today, and I just hate the thought of prolonging his suffering. He was given atavan (sp) today because he had a room full of people visiting, and my Mom thought he felt overwhelmed.

My step-dad told his Mom tonight that he's going to die tomorrow. She told him to stop talking like that. I think maybe he's waiting for her to tell him it's okay to pass away.

Like I said earlier, he was in a lot of pain and seemed extremely agitated. Everyone finally left and my Mom rubbed his head, and told him his brother was waiting for him in Heaven. He seemed to relax as she talked to him.

For all of you who have lost a loved one, and especially to those of you who took care of your loved one, I just want to send out a big hug to each of you. You are my heroes. My Mom has been through hell and back with my step-dad, with no help from anyone for the last year. She stood by his side through the very best and the very worst. I hate cancer, and I hate that it's taking someone I love, but through all of the horror I witnessed some of the most loving, beautiful acts of kindness in my entire life. I'm glad my Mom had my step-dad in her life, but I feel more thankful that he was loved by my Mom. He deserved her, and all the goodness, kindness, and love she's provided him, especially in the past year. God bless all of you, and thanks again for "listening" and responding.

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I was moved by your post. I have no words of comfort as it is so difficult. Before I was a lung cancer patient myself, I was caregiver to my mom towards the end of her lung cancer battle. It was so painful to watch her suffer. The only advice I can give to you and your mom is to say what you feel to your step dad whether you feel he is comprehending it or not. I was in denial, and refused to believe my mom was dying. Looking back I see it was obvious. But because I couldn't face it, I never said all the things I wanted to tell her and I wished I told her how much I loved her more than I did. I have issues with that to this day and am so sorry. So, keep telling him ....

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I wish I had some words of comfort to help you through this. This is such a horrible situation. I hate the thought that he is in pain.

I pray the good Lord takes him soon and he can be at peace.

So sorry... my heart breaks for you.

Maryanne

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