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Today was one of those days I was dreading. Something so special happened on this date five years ago(God I can't believe it has been 5 years). I lay awake last night remembering. It is so crazy that these dates never seem to pass without me being aware of them no matter how busy I stay.

By November 17 five years ago Johnny's anxiety attacks were going full force. Some days he would have 10 or 15 a day. Sometimes even more. I wasn't sleeping because he kept me awake because he was afraid to sleep. I was tired and short tempered. To make matters worse we were running out of everything. He was afraid to go anywhere because of the attacks and I was afraid to leave him. I was so upset with his kids for not helping out just long enough for me to go shopping for the things we really needed. Besided that he wanted and needed them but they were seldom around or called.

That day his youngest son came to visit. He was several hours later than he said he would be but he did finally come and Johnny was so happy to see him. I left for the store but before I left he gave me $20 and told me to go to Wal Mart and buy a dozen red roses, six for him and six for me.

While I was there I bought a CD of country music I knew he would like because I knew he liked the singer. Then I rushed home to be with him. His son left and after dinner I played the CD. There was a song called "I've seen everything". The guy Travis Tritt is telling about all of the things he has seen like a flower blooming in the desert and the faces chiseled in stone. Then it says " but a Woman so true loving me like you do , now I've seen it all." Everytime that part of the song would come on he would squeeze my hand and say "that's you". Later in the song it says "I could die happy knowing I am your man".

Three days later he entered the hospital for help with the anxiety attacks. He never made it home, twelve days later he was dead. The first thing I saw when I went home that day were the roses. The were falling apart and had turned as black as my life was at that moment.

It has been 5 years but the memories are just as sharp and painful as they were the first year. Sometimes the good memories hurt more than the bad. So you can imagine how I was dreading today.

I had a really nice day today. One of my neighbors has a sister who is dying of brain cancer and now she has a fungus in her brain as well. She spends a lot of time with her and this has really been hard on her.

When I first moved here I found out that she used to live south of Shreveport. I had asked her how long it had been sense she had eaten real cajun food. She said not sense she left there several years ago.

Well today I made her a big meal. She was great company and we enjoyed our meal. I wasn't sure it would turn out that good because it has been awhile but it really was good. I guess I haven't lost my touch! We had shrimp and smoke sausage jambalya and shirmp buletts (spelling is wrong I know). We also had green beans and salad and for dessert we had rasperries and coolwhip.

We talked for awhile and I showed her a bunch of your pictures ( I was being a proud Maw Maw).

Later we went to the new store that just opened up about a block away. I had bought some nice shirts there yesterday and she wanted to get some too. Then I had bought something for Cy ( my great grandson and found it was going to be too big so I exchanged it. I couldn't find the same thing but I found something else so cute!

I ran the risk of overloading my suitcase and bought Caroline's birthday present and part of her Christmas present and I bought something else for Cy because I never got him anything when he was born. Everything is so cute I could have really done a number on my credit card there. I would love to do all of my Christmas shopping there but I would need another suitcase and I know I couldn't handle that.

Anyway I set out to do something nice for Laurel and it turned out to be a great day for me too.

Now I can look back to that night 5 years ago and I am so thankful that I have those special memories to carry me through.

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Remember, we have always gotr memories. That is something no person can ever take away from ewacha and every one of us. I am glad things were ok though for you yesterday. big hugs and lots of prayers....

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I know how difficult this time of year is....for both of us. Like you, I have also been remembering what happened in my life...almost five years ago now. I can hardly believe that five years have passed. I never thought I would survive losing Dennis but God has helped me and life is good. I know you and I have had so much in common and have helped each other survive.

Thank you so much for always being here for me and for being such a wonderful inspiration for all os us. Your love for Johnny will always live on through your stories and memories.

I hope you make many more wonderful memories while visiting your family for the holidays!!!

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I want to thank all of you for your kind words. I keep thinking it will get easier but even after 5 years it still hurts so much to face the holidays and those aniversary days.

If I can say even one word that will bring a little hope or peace to one person I give thanks. I know how important those words were from all of you here and how much I could have used them during those last heartbreaking days.

Still I go out or I come here and I get a reality check. There are so many who have problems and pains far worse than mine.

Just know that I am grateful and that all of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Someday maybe no one will have to hurt this way.

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