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"Little" things...big things


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Chris had his first baseball game tonight. Mom loved baseball, especially watching her grandkids play.

Easter has passed. Mom loved the pagentry of Easter.

My cousin was in town this week, but didn't make it over to visit. Mom organized everything--we would have gotten together if she were here.

Taking Tay shopping for her graduation dress. Mom would have had MANY witty comments about that process.

DH has dinner meetings this week. That would have meant pizza at Mom's house for the rest of us, hanging out.

Dropped my car off at the repair shop yesterday. I always walked to Mom's house from there, a few blocks away, and hung out with her until it was done.

I drive by her house most days, as it is next to the kids' school. I wish I could go in.

The kids told me they both had dreams about Mom the last few nights. I haven't had any yet.

My niece will be baptized in a couple of weeks. Mom would have beamed, surrounded by her church lady friends.

It's all these "little" things that keep piling up in my mind. I sincerely want to move forward to a healthier place, but the "little" things keep me mired in the clay. I feel codependent with my grief. I know it isn't healthy, but I am having trouble breaking free. All these damn "little" things.


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If I wasn't ready to let loose of all the tears I've been holding in these weeks leading up to Easter, then her Birthday, then her death, I would be able to wax poetic about how I am walking with you. I only pray we all can break free form the 'muck'. Maybe when the sun shines brighter?

Sending you hugs...

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Your post hit a nerve, for sure...I SO know what you mean about all of these things going on, whether day to day or an event, and she's not there to share in it. I watched my son practicing for Little League last weekend and the sight of him in that little batting helmet with a big smile on his face...she never got to see him play.

Yesterday as I held my 16-month-old son in front of the fridge and we looked at all the family photos (our routine), he reached out and put his finger right on a photo of my mom holding my daughter and said for the first time "NI-na" (Nana) and then stroked it gently and said "Nah.." (Nice...) To see him respond to her like that, although they have never met...I just said softly, "Yeah, Conor, Nana was VERY nice..." and then found I couldn't say more or I would have been useless the rest of the day. They would have worshipped each other...I can't believe he is missing out on her.

Your description of the little things piling up was so right on the mark. Every day there are a few things that I wish she could see, or moments that I wish I could share, or times when I just want to be with her.

Sending you hugs and strength today and always...

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My daughter Caitlin tried out for the varsity soccer team. She came home in tears from tryouts. I assumed she hadn't made the team and then realized she was crying because she had made the team but the one person that she wanted to tell wasn't here.

Those times keep coming up, and all you can do is ride through them.

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When I work the Phila, area there is a store I call on which is right up the street from where I grew up. My home, my parents home... so many countless times I would just stop in and say Mom I'm here.

I always drive up the street and stop and look at my old home...and I sit there for a little while and just reminise...

Well yesteray I notice all the window dressings were off. I had to go and peek inside. It was empty, apparently the people who occupied it moved. It was so earie to see it completely empty. I saw could see the breakfast nook we all sat at, and the roude iron fancy trim going into the kitchen which she wanted so and relentlessly wanted it so bad until my dad finally gave in had it done.

The tears fell, we could never go back. But the memories live on.

I share all your grief...


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"kamataca"]I feel codependent with my grief. I know it isn't healthy, but I am having trouble breaking free.

(((Kelly))) Be easy on yourself -- it's not been long at all.

I think sometimes it's the little things that hurt the most. People always build up the big holidays and dates, but "life" is in those moments you talked about.

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