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This is why I am so Angry!!!


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Hi.. i am new to the site, wish I would of found this before Dad passed...

My father passed last week friday at age 57 of sclc stage IV with mets to liver(at diagnois 3 yrs ago)...

This is what is making me so mad. All the people (namely various brother and sisters of his) that are now playing the poor me card, when in the past 3 years could not have given a crap about Dad. I feel like they have no right to be this way. It makes me want to scream!!!!! They finally decided to show up when Dad was admitted to the ICU and act like its a shock that things have gotten so bad. Really? are you kidding me is all I could think.. And where were they during the 3 days after he went on Hospice when he had the best days in months? Dad had 13 brother and sisters... only 1 of them called or visited on a regular basis and he lived and hour and half away,the others NEVER called and they live in town. One of them even drove by his house twice a day when going and leaving work and never stopped. I just dont know how to deal with it all. They are my aunts and uncles and I am not sure what the future will be like with these people beacuse of how mad I am at them. They will have to bear the ungodly guilt, but I really dont want to hear about it. I saw how much it hurt my Dad that his family never called ( and i know that goes both ways, but really was it his responsibilty to call everyone all the time to say "this is how i am today" ) Ok, so now I am rambling... i just needed to vent. Dont even get me started on how my Mom feels about all of this... its WAY WORSE! Thanks for giving me a place to express my feelings.

shelli

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Hi, Shelli, welcome to LCSC. I'm on the patient side rather than on the caregiver side, but I can tell you that your story is all too common, disgustingly and sadly so. I've seen it repeated so many times in the 20 months I've been here, and you'll probably hear from some of those members shortly. You and your mom may never see the response you rightly expect from the relatives you mention, and that will probably remain a fact of life. The most important thing from the standpoint of your own health and well-being is that at some point (the sooner the better, though it may take a while) you need to "let go" or "release" these thoughts. They're harming you much more than the people who should be but probably aren't feeling them.

Some of our terrific members may have specific suggestions on how you can do that. My Aloha,

Ned

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Hi Shelli...

Not long after my mom passed away I posted about an aunt of mine who had the gall to write wanting mine and my sibling's addresses to "come visit for a while". We'd not seen this aunt in over 25 years.

As Ned said...it seems a common theme, unfortunately.

The way I personally handled it was to send her back a reply saying that I apprecited her wanting to visit but that, right now, I'm not emotionally ready for a visit and that I'd let her know when/if I become ready.

No problem with the venting...we've all done it and it's what we're here for.

Sending hugs (((Shelli)))

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Hi Shelli. I can very much appreciate why you are angry. Absolutely amazing what some people think is acceptable behaviour. Not any excuse for their behaviour, but some folks just simply do not know how to deal with cancer and in supporting loved ones. I had a brother in law die from cancer a few years ago. We certainly kept in touch and visited him as often as we could as he did not live in same city. But not until after I got diagnosed with cancer did I really appreciate what others go through and how much more of our support and caring they could use. I can reflect on that now but really when he was going through it I would have thought we were doing all we could. And we could have done more. So I am just saying that it is hard for others to really appreciate what is going on for someone with cancer and what they might need.

My advice is to be angry for awhile and vent with your mom. You may feel brave enough at some point to let some of those folks know how much they disappointed you. But only if you are able to forgive them. That would be my inclination although that may not be an approach that would work for everyone.

I wish you well in getting through this tough time. It's tough enough without being so angry so I hope you find a way to work through that.

My thoughts are with you

Sandra

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I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad, it's very hard I know, I hope that you will soon begin healing, and begin to feel better.

As for the support, or lack of it that you received from your family, all I can do is reiterate what's already been said. It is very difficult to face the decline of a loved one head on.

I know that when my folks were both ill I would have rather not had to deal with it at all.

My first impulse was that I wanted to be as far removed from it as possible. That is the way I am feeling now as well, dealing with Hank's illness. But of course I would never do that.

The circumstances won't allow me to do that, and neither will my heart.

Who knows why your Dad's siblings have behaved as they have. You may find in the future that the reason is that it was simply to painful for them to face it, and being that they were not part of your immediate household they could remove themselves from the situation.

Sort of "out of sight, our of mind" If you feel that you can forgive them for their behavior you will be better off in the long run.

Feel better soon,

Gail

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I'm so sorry about your dad and how your extended family has/did treat him. It's hard to believe people could be that way- so hurtful- so selfish.

There are many reasons why peopel do what they do, but whatever these reasons, the guilt and regret (if any) will lie with them and will be something they will have to answer to to a higher power.

NED is right in that the anger and resentment only hurts you, and you need to work on you, missing your dad, and the journey of trying to rebuild a life without him in it. Your dad would want you to be happy.

I had alot of close family members hurt me after my mom died. I realized this is WHO they are, they are only capable of this, none of it was our fault, and I let them go. I can't begin to tell you the peace I have had in my life without any of them in it.

Whatever you do, I hope one day comforting and warm memories of your dad bring you some peace in your life.

(((hugs))) we are here for you.

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Shelli-

First of all, I am so very sorry about your father.

Now - your story is all too common. My mom is 90 and before I got sick, I did everything for her - laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. When I got sick, we asked my sister who lives 10 minutes away, to help out. Her and my bro-in-law got so upset - to the point that my husband had to call him and remind him how to speak to me. But she did start doing the groceries, but then my mom decided to get meals-on-wheels. My brother pays for a cleaning lady and Joe and I still do her laundry. A few weeks ago, my mom had chest pains and had to go to the ER. I told my sister if it happens in the middle of the night I would like her to be the one to go only because my son, who is 15 1/2 and should be able to be left alone is back at his on-again off again sleepwalking routine; he gets dressed in the middle of the night and decides to go out to a restaurant. So naturally I don't want him in the house all alone all night. Well, she had a fit!! She decided I should get him up, have him get dressed, pack his stuf for school and I should drive him to her house so she doesnt have to go out!!! For her own mother!! Her husband is home every night, mine isn't and her son is 21!!Then the following week, my mom had chest pains again and I brought her back to the ER. After 8 hourse in the ER and waiting for her to be transported to Cleveland Clinic, I asked my sister to come up to relieve me. I had to beg her!!! I spent the next 2 1/2 days at the Clinic and asked my sister if they discharged her on Saturday could she pick her up. That started such a big fight and the worse was she hung up on me before I could hang up on her!!! As it turned out, she came home on Friday so I brought her home.

These are only a few of the many, many instances of what my sister has done. I only tell you this so you won't think you are alone - some people are just self-centered and don't realize what they are doing, or maybe they do and just don't care.

My husband and I get really angry and then we just look at each other and say "there will be no guilt for us". When my mom dies, I will have no guilt, no I wish I had done this or that - I will only grieve for the great lady I talk to every day, the lady who fought breast cancer and won, the mom I love so dearly. And thats how you should feel - you did everything you could for your dad and you grieve only for him, not because you have guilt around. Now, I am not saying I want guilt for my sister or that I will be happy, because I know how she is and she will bother me with her guilt every day for the rest of my life. But I know, as you do, that we did the right thing, and I hope I set an example for my son.

I hope you can stop being angry and allow yourself to just grieve for your dad without worrying about other people. I hope you and your mom can get past this and you and her can find some peace at this difficult time.

Hugs - Patti B

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Thank You everyone for your thoughts on my anger. I have been feeling a little better in the last few days about things... hopefully it will resolve soon. I am glad that I found a place to express my feelings to others not "in the mix" and possibly offer advice to others in my situation.

Shelli

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It's OK to be angry. It's one of the stages of grief.

I get angry at times because my dad is being diagnosed with lung cancer. It's not fair. I always thought that he would die from emphysema. I never thought that cancer, nonetheless lung cancer. I am a realist about my dad's situation.

Lots of prayers are going up for you!

Kristi

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey, I can understand and relate to your issue here. I have been a caretaker for an elderly inlaw for several years now--even before my Mother was diag with LC. I used to get irratated at family members who never showed up and then one day I figured it out. The ones that don't show up would probably be more trouble than I needed to handle at the time and maybe that was Gods way of actually blessing me. By not having them around. Now I just think of it that way. It is annoying though and at times I still have my moments but then I just think well, if they were here and being a 'pain'. I would just have one more thing to deal with.

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