Will "IT" get better? Really?

[jean44]

I lost my husband, Thom to lung cancer on Aug. 8, 2009.

I am a couple months away from the one year anniversary of losing him however, I seemed to have become obsessed over the date.

I have already taken off work and am planning a small gathering of my family at the cemetery to honor him.

I can't get him or this date off my mind. I am heartsick and miss him as if I just lost him yesterday.

For those of you who don't appreciate reading long post, I apologize in advance for the length.

I don't post open but I know this is a place where I can come and "talk" and feel safe and understood. I am struggling tonight so, I came here.

The day Thom was diagnosed with lung cancer, with his blessing, I started a hand written journal. I wrote in it everyday until a couple of months after he passed away.

For some reason I feel the need to share this with you.

This is what I wrote the last day-Fri. Oct. 2, 2009

Today will be the last day I will write in my journal. Thom and I started it the day he was diagnosed with lung cancer so we could write down our journey.

314 days later he was gone and for all intents and purposes so am I. I am totally lost and can't begin to explain the sorrow and heartache I feel.

I am sad everyday. Somedays are worse than others. I miss everything about Thom-his smell, his smile, his voice, his hand on mine, his hugs, him walking me out in the morning and being outside to meet me when I get home-most of all I miss his love.

His presence and words were a constant reminder of his love for me. While I always knew it, it was just nice to have him in my life.

I love you Thom, always have, always will and I will miss you forever! God, please help me.

I still have the same feelings today. Cancer sucks.

Thanks for reading,

Jean

[ginnyde]

Jean, I am almost 6 years, but I know all too well of what you speak. As Patkid says and I steal from her, I miss Earl like fire.

But, oh, how lucky we were to have had that love.

[RandyW]

It doesn't get better just easier! I am almost 4 and a half years out and it does get easier after some time! Yes I do miss Deb every day but it is easier to deal with now! I still take flowers every holiday but I really don't cry unless there is a really sad song on the radio or I get to looking at pictures! Like I said, It doesn't get better just easier to deal with!! Hope the days pass quietly for You!!

[Joppette]

Hi there, I agree with Randy, it does not get better, but it does get easier. The factor is time. I am not saying the old addage, "time heals all wounds". The loss of a loved one to cancer can not be healed. But it can get better.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and your sorrow. Know that you found a great place here to write out thoughts, share feelings, and get positive feedback, and reinforcement. You obviously are not alone, though it must feel that way at times.

My heart breaks for you. I've lost too many to this disease, and I know how sad it is. I pray you find peace as time marches on. And "the date" just is not important, unless you want to celebrate the date he went from this world to the eternal world of perfection, which is heaven.

HUGS

Judy in MI

[Reynsie48]

Jean,

I can so empathize with you. Often before I start the wash, I will bury my face in one of Ron's shirts and think what if......

I think I would be very much like you, and I am glad that you posted

Sandy

[jean44]

Thanks friends for taking the time to read my post and to respond.

Thanks Katie for the prayers and for providing us a place where we can come to look for help when we need it. It provided me a comfort zone to write about Thom when I needed to.

Ginny, I started coming here when my Dad was traveling the cancer journey and remember reading about your love story with Earl. When you lost him I remember feeling so bad for you because Thom and I had a similar relationship and I couldn't imagine losing him. How ironic it is that now I know.

Randy, I hope you are right and it does get easier because I still cry everyday and am just so sad. Thanks for your kind words.

Judy, thank you for your kind words and hugs. I do have some comfort KNOWING that my Thom is in Heaven because he was such a good person on Earth.

Sandy, I know what you mean by burying your face in your husbands clothes thinking about the "what ifs". I did the same thing and now have kept some of his jackets that I refuse to wash because I can still smell him. Thanks for your response, kind words and understanding.

A few days after I lost Thom, a dear friend I work with said to me "Jean, you were so blessed to have been loved by such a good man". I guess that says it all. I still miss him and always will.

Thanks again everyone,

Jean

[Nick C]

Jean, I'm a little late here...sorry.

I hope "IT" is somewhat more managable today than "IT" was when you wrote this.

That first year, approaching that date...very tough. I took the day off, remembered mom in a way I thought she'd see as appropriate. The day is still something I think about as it approaches, I do still miss her...but my memories bring far more smiles and far fewer tears...though tears do still come.

Randy said it...and it is true...easier yes....better nah, not really.

Hope you are well.

[jean44]

Thanks Nick. The whole cancer thing just sucks. I appreciate you reading my post and taking the time to respond.

I enjoy seeing the pictures of your little girl and can only imagine how proud your Mom is of you and your little angel.

Keep the faith,

Jean