AmyLW Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 I had posted about my Father. He had Squamus cell carcinoma. This post has been so hard for me. He died the day after Thanksgiving. I still can hardly believe he is gone. I made a post on the wall of rememberance. His name is Charles Stueber. I keep so many of you in my thoughts and still lurk on occasion. I hate cancer. It is just so evil and unfair. My baby sister just turned 18 in Jan, and is pg with her first baby and I feel so angry that it took him away. And what about my babies? And me. I need him too. I miss him so much. I just want to hug him one more time. Ugh! I did not mean to fall apart again. This seams to be hitting so dang hard now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBone Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 HI, I am a newcomer here so I do not remember you.I do feel your pain however.I lost my father to cancer in 1974.I still think of him all the time.I don't ever know what to say when someone grieves like you are right now except that we all grieve with you.I remember my pain from his death being worse at times.Like a roller coaster.I find myself reading archived posts on this board and gaininig some comfort.Lots of loss and sadness here to share.I do think that helps.There are hundreds of posts on almost any subject,including death and loss.Just remember that we are always here.And come cry whenever you need to.Don't hold back.That is the worse thing I ever did.Trying to be the "man" of the family and not crying enough.Take care.Try to find some comfort somewhere.And know that we love you.TBone and family Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karenl Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Amy I have recently joined this board following my mum's diagnosis with stage IV NSCLC. We are fortunate in that she is otherwise well and feels healthy, but the reality of this disease is that that may not always be so, so we can't help but imagine what it would be like if things do not go well for us. My heart breaks for you, and I hope you can find some comfort on this site to help you through the dark days. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Thanks for coming back and letting us know Amy. We are so sorry. I pray that you and your family find peace. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Hi Amy I feel your pain. I lost my precious dad 5 months ago. Its a terrible ache in your your heart and soul. Our dads are our heroes, they protect us until their last breath. I know with my dad soon as I walked into a room I completely felt his love and pride. I know how hard this is, it becomes very overwhelming..Talking about it helps but only to people I know understand... Only girls(women) who were blessed to have been "Daddy's Little Girl" can really understand the devastation...I am here if you need to talk... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chani Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Hi Amy, I'm new to this board too. The kind of pain felt from losing a father I have not experienced. But, because my dad is sick I sometimes wonder how I will find the strength to endure this pain it if I do lose him. I don't really feel there are words to describe this kind of emotion. Sending heart shaped tissues for you. Chani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Amy, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your father. What a horrible thing to happen to your family, what a huge, gaping hole has been rended in the fabric of your heart... I wish you peace as you journey through your grief. Take time to remember the good things and make new memories for yourself. Splash through puddles, smell the roses, watch for the arrival of spring...rejoice in what you still have while dealing with what is gone. You can't bring him back entirely, but you CAN bring back pieces that are stored in your heart. If you need some help in dealing with the grief - AND the reassurance that it's all "normal" response, seek counselling. It's not failure to ask for help. xxoo Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chani Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Becky, I love what you said... Chani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chani Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Dear Amy, I read your post this morning and have not been able to get you out of my mind. I want to offer you a shoulder but I don't know what is right or even if there is a right way. You are going through something that I have not been through before. I'am where you have been though, and that is having to watch an ill father...and going through the stages of acceptance of the illness. There is an album by Sara MClacklan called Surfacing. I don't even know what the songs are saying but they reveal to me every emotion that I have felt so far, and I play this album when I need to just cry, and I cry through the whole thing, especially song number five. And my tears come from a place within me that I have never known before. I fill in the meaning in the songs that fit me. Shedding lots of tears helps me and then I get up and do as my dad has taught me...."Keep going kid, you can do it." "when you fall it's gonna hurt but get right back up there and go for it." So I cry deeply and then I get up and go until I need to cry again. I wrote a letter to a sister one day because she told me that she just wouldn't be able to handle it if she lost her dad. She said she knew that she was going to just be a mess for the rest of her life. So, I wrote her a letter in the form of a story about our back packing trips in Wyoming...I went back to my three sisters, me and my father in the mountains. Every summer we backpacked all summer long. The story started from the time he fitted us every year with hiking boots at JC Penny's all the way through crossing a huge river with heavy packs on our backs. He taught us all there is to know about survival, about choices and how to walk up the rivers edge a bit to see if our choices were better there....he carried our water cup from the bottom of his pack....and we followed our daddy's fishing pole moving in the trees ahead of us and we never lost our way...and he waited for us if one got too far behind. We scooted across this big river by way of huge fallen trees, and with white rapids beneath us, and our jeans wet from the fast water...but we followed his lead and we never fell in. I told my sister Karen: "Karen, our daddy is now leading us to the biggest river of all, and he knows that he has taught how to cross it, so Karen, this is the biggest river ever, and we're gonna have to do alone...but each move we make, he has taught us how to do it....so search inside and remember what he told us...we'll make it acoss and from above he will be smiling the biggest smile as he watches us scoot across this big river. And he'll be saying "ya did girls" So, Amy, your daddy taught you how to survive and how to cross this big river....sometimes you have to scoot and then stop to cry for a bit before you can scoot a little more...but your gonna make it across this big river because everything you need to know about how to do it he has taught you. Chani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chani Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 TBone, I just read your post.....and you mentioned about not crying enouph and how you now know that it's a great thing....I've cried through my post to Amy....One thing I have learned since the beginning is every human being has the same pain...we may deal with it in differnt ways but pain is pain, and like you said..crying helps....a lot. I cry sometimes so hard I grit my teeth...and then I say to myself.."you could break your teeth off doing that you dummy"...and I make my own self lauph....Oh...I'm so glad for message boards where we can share so much and learn so much from each other... My cying is over for today.....maybe I'll give my pops a call and see how he's feeling... Thanks for expressing how tears can help. Chani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chani Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 TBone, I did just call my dad like I said I was going to....I said "hey pops, how are you...then I said "I just called to tell you that I love you"...and he lauphed and said "that is nice of you"...then he goes "what the occation" and I said "no occation just wanted to say I love you"...and he said..."well, I just got flowers from Kellee"....lol....I tell ya..this family is as tight as a knot and we all think the same way.... also he said that on Oprah today they are talking about cancer...so I let him go so he could watch that...don't ask me why I'm spilling my guts to you but I'am and I can tell that you and your family are the kind of people who are warm and accepting of people like me who talk too much... I saw your wifes post but have not said hello...so tell your wife hello..... Okay....I need to get my butt back to re arranging a room... Have a great day!! Chani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Amy we are all here for you. You have been through a very difficult time and grieving is natural. You will be in my prayers. David C Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chani Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Thank you, David C.... Ever since I've laid eyes on the hat....I've wanted to say, quoting Billy Crystal...."You look marvelous" Good night, and sleep well, Chani Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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