Jeanne

[Z-Jeanne]

My name is Jeanne. 
I am a caregiver.
I accompanied my mother for 1 year. Up to palliative care( pancreatic cancer)
A special ordeal.... that I will never forget in my life...

[LouT]

Welcome to our forum Jeanne.  Sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us.  Please tell me what we can do to support you? 

Lou

[Qing]

On 12/9/2020 at 7:15 AM, Z-Jeanne said:

My name is Jeanne. 
I am a caregiver.
I accompanied my mother for 1 year. Up to palliative care.
A special ordeal.... that I will never forget in my life...

Me too. I try to help my mother with her lung cancer.

[BridgetO]

Hi Qing and welcome from me too. Can you tell us more--what kind of lung cancer does she have, for example small cell or non-small cell? What is her stage? 1,2,3 or 4? Is she having treatment?  What kind? Surgery, chemo?

Are there questions you want us to answer? How can we help you? Please let us know.

Bridget O

[Z-Jeanne]

Thank you. In this month of January, I have anxiety attacks. I relive my mother's days before her death. It's as if my body had "recorded" all the suffering. And at every period, it comes back. 
How do you manage your anxiety attacks? I feel like I'm reliving that very week....

[BridgetO]

Hi Z-Jeanne.

I'm  sorry to hear you're having problems with anxiety. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. How long has it been since she died? I wonder if grief counseling or a grief support group would help you?  Grief takes a lot of different forms and anxiety is a common one. Everybody grieves differently and it can last a long time.

Here are some ways I've dealt with anxiety. 

I have low-level anxiety from time to time. In the past, I've had attacks of worse anxiety.One thing that helps me is taking a walk. If I find myself obsessively thinking about  something, while I walk, I do what I call "doing gratitudes" . I say to myself things I'm grateful for. It could be big things, like "I have a nice house to live in" or" I have no evidence of disease today' or it could be small things, like "I'm grateful for that tree there."  I just make sure I'm not stopping between one thing an another. I also pay attention to each part of my body and consciously relax each part. I tend tense my shoulders and clench my teeth when anxious.  I try to find something distracting.

Medication also helps. I'm on an antidepressant that helps with anxiety as well as depression. I also have a  prescription for lorazepam, which I rarely use any more, maybe 4 times a year. It works well, but isn't a good thing to take regularly.  I find it useful to have it there to keep me from being anxious about getting anxious. If I feel myself starting to get anxious, I used to say to myself "Oh no! I'm getting anxious! and then get more anxious about that. Now instead, I remind myself that I know things that will help me calm down and that if they don't work, I have the lorazepam. They usually work and I don't need it. 

I sometimes use CBD. I prefer an oil extract to use under my tongue. Is CBD available in Framce?

Let us know how we can support you! Anything you want to say here is OK.

Bridget O

[LouT]

Jeanne,

Bridget has already shared good information with you.  For my part I would say you should seek the help of professionals.  You have gone through trauma that can result in anxiety or potentially a form of PTSD.  I know that may sound odd, but I'm part of a group of Alzheimer's caregivers and I've heard more than one person discuss how their doctor has determined what they were suffering as PTSD.  They relive the most terrible situations over and over with terrible emotional and physical reactions to it.  Please seek professional help.  You've been in a battle for your Mother's life and you witnessed terrible and heartbreaking things along the way.  You deserve relief and it is possible for you to have it.  Please do this for you and let us know that you're moving ahead with a proper support team by your side.

Lou

[BridgetO]

Excellent advice from Lou!

Bridget O

[TJM]

Poor dear. Seriously. Loss is so hard. You've gotten really good advice from Bridget and Lou. My two cents?

First. To answer your question directly...you will never get "over" it. Ever. You will just slowly, overtime, learn to accept it. No idea of your age but the fact is as you get older you lose more of those you love in increasing amounts. It may sound crass (not intended) but it gets easier. Loss is part of life.

Second. Anxiety. I am a firm believer in medications that directly improve the condition. Xanax has been a life saver for me for years. I am not depressed, just naturally anxious. For whatever reason the medical community has turned anti xanax. My NP has been trying to get me off it for years. I told her if she wont prescribe I'll just drink and switch docs.  There is no reason, moral or otherwise, to feel anxiety daily. I know how it feels and it sucks. Xanax works wonders for me. BTW..I say screw the long term effects or addiction.  I just willing pumped my system with poison for two months then attacked my body with radiation. Why in the hell would I be concerned about long term effects of xanax?

My advice. Remember your mom daily. Talk to her about the things you had always talked to her about. Train yourself to remember the good times. Push the final days away and never dwell on them. Finally, forgive yourself. We all have the quilt of what we wish we had done or things we think we did wrong. No profit in that.

Sorry for your loss

Peace

Tom