Today

[t_beanes]

Richard is dead since one year today.

I cannot live without him anymore.I want him back so much.It is not bearable.I feel so terrible.Words and words spoken and thought into the silence.Useless.What is life all about now, but sitting and waiting for it to go past.To be together with him again, albeit not in the same way any more.But at least being like him.

I am raking my brain to find answers.Going to buy Stephan Hawking latest book. Want to understand what universe means.

My heart is hurting.

If I would not have our little dog I would just go.Do some rubbish.It is like being in my own prison.In a cage.

Nothing can help I know that.

Bye for now

B

[lilyjohn]

All of the aniversaries we face are hard after losing someone we love so much. For some reason that one year aniversary seems to be the hardest for us. I can understand how lost and alone you feel. I too have been very much alone sense my Johnny died.

I could tell you all of the standard things that most people say about grief and "getting over it" but I won't because I know how little they do to help and that often they just make us feel worse. The pain you are feeling is very normal. A part of you is gone. If you are like I am you sometimes feel that it is the best part of yourself that died.

All I can tell you is that after my one year aniversary I have had more "moments" of peace. Often those times are very hard to come by even now 15 months after Johnny's death. But, they do come! Time does not heal it only allows us to learn to cope sometimes only minutes at a time but eventually those minutes turn to hours. Please don't give up on life. It is so very precious. Just think how precious your Richard is to you and what you have suffered for his loss. He and your love lives on every day that you take another breath. You honor him just by being alive.

Each time I read your posts my heart aches for you. I can understand so well how you feel because I have spent so much time in the same place. I will give you advice that I was given that is to get help. It is so obvious that you are deeply depressed and that worries me. I have been fortunate enough to be able to lift myself out of my bouts of depression but you sound like you are not able to do that. I ask you again please seek some profesional help.

May you soon start to find those few fleeting moments of peace that we all seek. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers but it takes more. You need to turn to your own faith and seek the answers that will help you. No matter if it is God or just an inner sourse of being there is something that will sustain you if you reach deep enough to find it. Please come here and let us know how you are doing. I as well as many others here will be very worried if we don't hear from you. Lillian

[norme]

I am not any good right now for trying to tell someone to hang in there for there are days when I to don't want to but must. It has only been two weeks, I can't imagine what it will be like in one year. I don't forsee much better. It is so terrible to live one's life with another all these years and then nothing but that is how life is. One usually goes before the other.

I think now I know why my Buddy said I was the strongest one of the two of us. I am finding it unbearable most days but still there is this little thing in the back of my mind that tells me he could never had lasted one or two days without me. No one knows what this is like unless they have lived it.

Both you and I will make it for that is how God has planned it for us. We will go on to find another way to live out our time. I am planning on visiting nursing homes and talking to those that have no one to visit them.

I don't know if you have senior centers or not but if you do that to is a good way to pass some days and to get to meet new friends. My sister-in-law joined a library reading group and is really enjoying that. There are ways for us to survive and both you and I must find those ways.

We must show our loved one that we can carry on as they both thought. We must stop feeling sorry for ourself as I know I have been doing.

You can pm me anything you would love to chat, we could also get on the chat board somedays and talk. Please know that I am with you and will help you whatever way I can to find yourself along with me finding myself through this. We can do it....

[shirleyb]

Bettina,

If I could wrap my arms around you today I would. I am sorry this has been so hard.

You are in my thoughts and only good wishes are being asked for you.

Love,

Shirley

[J.C.]

Not many words could I say to make you feel

better as I am also alone since 4 months and

I find each day different but as hard to live.

I tried to read some books on the subject and

they did not help me, I must find into myself the

way to keep on till it is my time, meanwhile Mike

will have to look after me, it is his work now.

Stay around, many people to write or talk to.

Keep us posted, please.

Hugs

J.C.

[Fay A.]

Bettina,

I wish I knew of some way to help. I've read Stephen Hawking's books, and though they're interesting reads I don't think you're going to find the solace you seek in theoretical physics. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that so many people care about you.

[t_beanes]

To Fay

I was told that Hawking is telling about other forms of existence.In other words , as if there are ways to exists other than in our present outfit.Or plainly, - could Richard still be somewhere somehow?

It seems though that I am on the wrong track.

As religion cannot do it for me I thought to find answers there.But may be not the ones I am seeking.

I can see out of which hope corner I am coming now.

Before Richard died I always advocated that it is a on off chance we are living.We don t know where we were before nor what comes after our existence on this planet.

Materia....but what,how does this work.What other form of intelligence can exist.Our horizons are so limited - mine is surely.

Thank you for getting me out of that infantil corner anyway.

B

[t_beanes]

Thank you for responding!

It is like falling into one hole after the other and trying to climb back out again.Its such a long row of holes.

I don't think I need professional help though....I have tried that once when my mother died with 50 years of age....I don't need their labels.....I am playing ping pong with my mind most days and see that I am at the bottom of a rather black pot right now.If I don't convince myselfnobody from the outside will.

I have always found my own way or we have found ours.

Yes I have thought about looking after people who have no one.At the moment I am looking after a young family with a 5 year old boy who is just getting over a difficult heart OP.Missing two valves in his heart he was down to 71 % oxygen....Gortex tube straight to the lung was put in.....

Mother out of her wits ....it does help helping.

I was thinking to help cancer patients ...but don't know if I am strong enough for that.

This is what Richard and I spoke about.He always had in mind doing charity work.

Today I make a bit more sense to myself again.

You know, I don't feel any different now than I felt 8 months ago in terms of missing Richard.The only thing which has changed is that I am able to run normal things better.Like shopping , cooking- trivial stuff which I was not able to even touch anymore(I lived on grilled chicken from a take away for months....every day the same).

How is that for you ?Every thing concerning us is as painfull as ever and turns up all day long when he normally would have been involved as well.

This is getting rather long ...sorry for that.

No I am not blasting myself of this planet yet....people who want to do that don't talk about it?I don't know.

I have to be responsible...and apart from our dog I have a father ...far away but even though.

Thank you so much for holding mental handys with me !I very much appreciate!!!!!

Good night for now...heavy snow coming down ...unusual here...need to rescue plants.

B

[Fay A.]

Bettina,

I believe Richard does exist in another form. I believe that you will be with him again at some point in time. And what I believe is based, in part, on what was detailed in Hawkings book, "A Brief History of Time". But my belief existed BEFORE I read Hawking's books, and the premise my beliefs are based on is FAITH, and that is something we have to find ourselves.

I just wanted you to know I think of you and I care about you. That's all.

[shelliemacs]

T-Beanes

ok, i am not in the position you are in. but I am watching it happen in my father. my mom died in august of Lung Cancer my dad kept wishing he could take it from her and she could live and he would take all the pain, suffering and sickness gladly for her. BUT now he has it. he was dx. in January with lc as well and now he is (as he says ) at a fork in the road. does he forgo treatment so he can go be with mom or does he try to live for a few more years.

i only know now he is afraid to die right now. he is scared now that he is facing it and feels horrible that me and my sister will be without parents now. he is trying chemo but he is sick. so please if i can say one thing

dont wish it away. your time will be here soon enough, so live while your alive. please. Richard would not want you to give up one minute of your life for him. he didn't do it when it was his time. he fought till the end to live, you should do it for him so when you do meet with him again, you can share your life and he will say " i know, i was there with you"

[mhutch1366]

Bettina,

Know that you are loved, and in my prayers,

I extend my hand in caring and friendship

across the water.

Take care of yourself,

pm if you like.

XOXOX

MaryAnn

[teresag]

could Richard still be somewhere somehow?

Bettina, I've no doubt that Richard is still somewhere. Our loved ones live on, and not only in our memories or in the influence they had on still-living people. As Carleen said in another thread, the first law of thermodynamics tells us that energy is neither created nor destroyed, merely transformed. Richard's energy is alive in the universe, fueling the growth of seeds, or the light from stars, or maybe the pencil sharpener on your desk. We don't know exactly where his energy is, but there is no doubt that it exists.

Have you read the thread where I found Carleen's comment about thermodynamics? It might be of help: http://www.buy2k.net/lungcancersurvivors/forum/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=6152&highlight=

[t_beanes]

sorry for not answering straight away.

I fell onto the iron grid they put down for building my terasse.So my right arm and leg hurt nicely and writing is slow with my left hand.

Wanted to thank you all for your answers!

Terrible to read that your father got it too Shelliem.And yes I understood your message.

I will be reading in the near future but not posting a lot.....

Many regards to all.

Tina

[Guest]

I lost my husband 18 days ago. I pray each day for the strength to go on but I cannot find a purpose. I am saddened by your post. I thought it might be true what they say about it getting easier with time. I cannot bear this any longer.

[Guest]

TO GUEST WHO LOST HER HUSBAND 18 DAYS AGO.

i know how you feel, if you would like to talk pm me, maybe we can help each other. I lost my Buddy 5 weeks ago. My heart hurts for you.