message board

[natalie]

Is there another website, message board like this for people that are dealing with grief? Although I love this website and the people I have met on here, I sometimes hold back what I want to say so that I'm not discouraging anyone that is faced with battling this disease. I know when my mom was fighting this disease and doing well, I had to refrain from the board for fear of getting sad from hearing of those dealing with grief. Have any of you found another website to share your grief thoughts?

[Andrea]

Natalie,

I KNEW you were holding back. You bad girl! My goodness, you are such an amazing person. My mom was right about you when she immediately said "class act". I have to tell people how amazing you are, I hope you don't mind.

When Nat's mom passed away, she e-mailed a few of us privately and said her mom was diagnosed late and she does not want any of us to give up hope. Here this girl was in grief and worried about telling us!!

Natalie--------vent, rant, rave, grieve. Let it out! Tell us how you are feeling and how sucky it is! PLEASE. It is reaity and you need not worry about discouraging everyone As a matter of fact, it will make the rest of us saps feel normal.

Your experiences can only help. The reality is that this disease is horrible, nondiscriminatory, and really it is like a raffle who does well, who does not. You personally, Natalie, have inspired me so much. I think of you daily. I want to hear what my dear sister is feeling.

I so want to hear you vent and grieve, I want to be here for you and I solemly swear that NOTHING you can say will discourage me (I can't speak for others except for my husband, I love speaking for him. heehee).

I promise you this, if you share your grief, at the next Lakers v Kings game, which will be the last of the season, I will root for the Kings! Brian may divorce me, but I will do it heehee. Lakers are way ahead right now.

[shirleyb]

Natalie,

I think you are in the right place here. For those of us who have lost a loved one, this is one place where we can vent and say what needs to be said and I really feel that those here who read this part of the forum understand that this area is exactly for that.

I have found that this is the one place where people don't judge how our loved one died. They don't assume that our loved one brought the cancer upon themselves. It happens.

It is hard to explain sometimes just what it is like to lose those you love to lung cancer and then have someone you are talking to, say well did he smoke? Like that makes it acceptable that they died. It is not. That our grief shouldn't be just as hard as someone who loses their loved ones to heart disease or other illness.

There are a number of us who joined this board because it is a safe place where you can vent about the pain and suffering we all have been through because it was cancer.

Vent, rant, rage, say whatever it is you need to say. We do understand. Some of us have been there too and totally understand what you are going through without explaination.

Share with us the good and the bad. That is what friends are for.

Take care dear girl. I know life is hard right now. You are in my prayers.

Much love,

Shirley

[betplace]

Natalie,

I have not lost a loved one to this disease, but I regularly read this section. I like to have the opportunity to send hugs and caring words on to those who are in so much pain from their losses. It allows me to give back for the words of encouragement that they write in all the other areas. So rant rave and mourn for as long as needed, grief shared is greif lessened.

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, and I hope we can bring you some much needed comfort here.

Blessings

Betty

[cathy]

Natalie,

In the first few weeks when I lost my dad, I posted that I had to leave because I had nothing to offer and for me it was very painful to read and relive the horror of LC. I searched for somewhere else to go but never felt what I have here. I have also been asked if I think the boards are holding me back from healing, I dont have the answer to that question because I dont really know what grief is suppose to feel like, all I know is for now I am comfortable here...

When I did post that I was leaving, many replied and told me to stay, I guess they felt I had something to offer, just because my dad was gone, didnt mean I couldnt help others with whatever knowledge or experience I picked up during my dads journey through this horrible disease.

There are still many post I cant read because it brings me right back where I dont want to be and I feel really bad but then I see someone else has responded and helped out..I realize now its good to have the diversity here, because there will always be someone who has been there done that.

Before I lost my dad I may have gone into the grieving forum twice, if that, so thats what is good about this site everything has a category and title and if you dont want to go there you dont... I also hesitate to reply to people because if they read my signature they will see that my dad lost his battle and I dont want to discourage any one especially if they are new here..

I just want to let you know you are in a safe place, I dont think you will find another like it...I stopped looking!

[Budd]

Natalie

This is a site someone sent me. It's not a message board but maybe it leads to one.

http://www.journeyofhearts.org

Sorry don't know how to make a live link

Debbie

[Fay A.]

Natalie,

I don't know how to access them, but there are sites for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one. Having said that I hope that you will come here. What you are dealing with now is as much a part of surviving Lung Cancer as anything else others here go through.

It isn't a question of bringing others down by posting when things are not going well, or when someone passes away, or when we are the ones left behind. We're human beings, and we care about you, and it is normal for us to feel sad because you are. It's the question of do we try to support one another to the best of our abilities, no matter what is happening? This isn't just a place to come for encouragement and information, though those are very important. It's also a place to come for solace.

What you are doing right now is SURVIVING Lung Cancer as the daughter of the woman who lived with it, and is now gone. Sadly, there are many of us here who have this kind of experience. I don't know if you remember, but my Mother died of Lung Cancer 8 years before I was diagnosed, and I was one of her caregivers. I hope you will let us help you through this, the way you helped so many of us through tough times.

Fay A.

[Cindy RN]

I agree with Fay. My mother died of lung cancer 7 years before I too was diagnosed with it. Please come here to talk or just vent. There are lots of us --in fact way too many of us.

Love Cindy

[natalie]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. You all are the best! Andrea, you are just too kind...but any time you feel like pumping my ego, I'll take it!haha Wow, what a supportive group you all are...you are right, I can't imagine a better place to be.

I just get in my waves and when I posted I was in a bit of a "down" wave. This just sucks! I feel like I'm manic. One minute I'm okay the next minute I'm not.

[Andrea]

You know Nat, it takes a lot that I like you so much. Usually I hate girls like you, you are blonde, thin, pretty, like to work out, and you are sweet and you worry about others. GAG ME WITH A SPOON! heheheehheehheheheeee.

I decided I have to lose weight, I just started a diet. I can't be Chairperson for Southern California Activism at my current weight b/c when I want to go rip cigarettes out of people's mouths, they will just say "well what about you, you are fluffy, that is unhealthy too!". And I will have no defense! That could be traumatic and damaging to my mission

[Guest]

Andrea, Okay, jokes over...how much did my husband pay you????

You are probably losing wait already from all the stress! I swear I lost 10 lbs when my mom first got diagnosed from running around trying to find out information. It's amazing what stress can do!

[natalie]

oops, that was me. I forgot to log in.

Natalie

[Andrea]

Phil paid me $1,000,000. Brian and I can finally aford a 2000 square foot home in Irvine heeheee.

I am the opposite, I eat and binge when stressed and the weight comes on. The only time I cannot eat is if I am off of prozac and I am too depressed. Now I eat, I get heart fluttering all the time, I just am a wreck.

I decided I had a pulmonary embolism before b/c my heart has been fluttering on and off for a couple of months now. People told me they are going to commit me soon

[Guest]

Natalie,

I have felt the same as you. As a matter of fact, when my mom died I so much wanted to ask other people if they went through the same "last hours" as I did but didn't want to horrify anyone who hadn't been through it yet. But I don't think we should be affraid of holding back what we want to talk about because this section is for "those who have lost a loved one". So this is for us to use to our benefit. If you are affraid of offending or scaring anyone use that "sticky" warning that we can use to warn people of sensitive subjects.

Those of us who have lost a loved one should feel free to speak here, I think everyone could agree...... as long as we aren't in violation of the policies and procedures we won't get kicked out and have to go be members of the SLCA board. WINK WINK. (that was a joke, don't anyone get their knickers in a twist over that one, please).

Hope you feel that you can share what you're going through here.

Anne

[AnneBurris]

that last reply was me, i didn't log in

[Cindy RN]

I knew that was you Anne!

I agree, I don't think it hurts to discuss a loved ones last hrs. My mom went into a semi-coma for 3 days before she died. She really was not in pain and went peacefully. I was grateful for that.

Cindy

[Guest]

I know you didn't mean to, but when you used the word "horrifying" it did frighten me. Now I wonder what you meant by horrifying and if it IS always the way it is.

Sometimes fewer details are more frightening than a lot.

[Guest]

Anne, Thanks for your response. That made me laugh.

You are all so great. I just read all this to my husband b/c I want him to see that he doesn't need to worry about me b/c I have you guys! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

[natalie]

That was me, I forgot to sign again.

Cindy, my mom's last days were similar to yours. She was 3 days in a coma. It was more peaceful than I thought it was going to be. I was there when she took her last breaths and it was like someone was there with her on the other side and she wasn't in pain. It was a strange, still experience. It was painful yet comforting at the same time. My mom brought me into this world and I was there when she left it. There's a sadness yet comfort to me in that.

Right now I keep seeing those final days in my head and I wish they would stop. I want to remember my mom before she was sick and I have my moments where I do, but them my mind drifts and I start thinking about the 9 months my mom was sick. I want to call her, talk to her, touch her....

[AnneBurris]

To the guest whom I frightened,

I'm sorry you are frightened by my post. I didn't mean to say that the details of my mother's death were horrifying, what was "horrifying" was having to watch my mother die, if you understand what I mean by that.

Maybe we can't speak too candidly here because people are going to read disturbing posts even if they know it will bother them. Perhaps some things are better left unsaid and some other grieving message board should be visited for those of us who want to talk about our issued with our loved one's death.

[Guest]

hey guys, this forum is for those of us grieving. I have learned the hard way that not everyone can be pleased - ANNE (wink wink) and they will learn that if they don't want to read about someone who has lost a loved one to LC (candid, true feelings,) that those folks will learn not to come into this forum because of its content. This is an important part of the process too. As hard and horrible as it is to lose a loved one- it doesn't just "end" or go away when our loved one dies- there's so much emotionally and physically left behind to deal with and muddle thru.

We're in this together, no matter where we are in this journey-

katieb

[Andrea]

I want to post this in big letters and make this very clear to Nataline and Anne---------GRIEVE, BE HONEST!!!!

You know, there IS a reason Rick and Katie created this forum It is for the purpose of grieving, if people don't want to read it, they should not come to THIS particular forum.

It is so logical to me, the forum is "for those who have lost a loved one to LC". I don't think anyone expects it to be laughs and giggles. Ok guys?

Love you :):)

[cathy]

I was getting a little nervous there, I dont want to be censored here, I have always tried to be very sensitve to our friends and family members that are still fighting this monster, when my dad was still here I didnt want to know about grieving because I didnt think I would be there ever..It was way too sad for me at that time, but now it is my reality and I like all of us dont want to be here, but for some reason its Gods plan...

We as family members have been through a very devasting and traumatic ordeal, our hearts are broken, we need to know we can come here and be comfortable...Thanks Katie for the reassurance..

[Guest peggyd]

I, too, have been hesitant to write. My husband of 35 years, my Mikey, passed away four weeks ago. We had gone on a trip to his beloved Laughlin Nevada and once we got home, he just spiraled down. He had suffered a stroke New Years Eve which caused him to have full blown seizures. He also developed prostate problems. So along with the onc, we were seeing a urologist, and a neurologist. We think he had a second stroke mid February. He lost some strength in his hand and his speech became slurred. He was in the hospital for nine days. They discovered serious paricardial effusion. They put a drain in and removed something like a 1/2 gallon of fluid from his heart area. They also discovered pleural effusion and removed fluid from that area. He was tubes everywhere. And he hated it! They were putting him through physical thearpy, speech thearpy, on and on and on. He just wanted to be left alone! He was so tired. Tuesday, February 24, they told us that there was little else they could do. The fluid around his heart and lungs was cancerous and another round of chemo would probably not help and would probably make him very ill. He was so weak. He couldn't eat. He was filling with fluid in his arms, his legs. We decided to take him home on hospice. The hospice people were WONDERFUL! They had a bed and oxygen in our home in 24 hours. Mike came home on that Wednesday, 3:00 PM. The trip was SO exhausting for him, even by ambulance. The hospice nurse came that afternoon with meds, morphine, atavan, held Mike's hand and explained everything to us, what we should do, etc. I stayed with him through the night. He was having such problems breathing. He kept trying to remove the oxygen mask, probably believing that this was what was smothering him. I kept putting it back on and trying to convince him that he needed it. I dozed off around 3:30 after giving him his meds. I awoke at 5:00 AM, hearing only the oxygen unit, thinking that it was him breathing. It wasn't. He had removed the mask again and had passed quietly in his sleep. I think he called me or kissed me in my sleep as he left. He was still warm. I think he had just passed. Hospice was there within 1/2 hour, taking care of all the details. Calling the funeral home, pronouncing him, etc. They were a God send. Mike had last rites at home by a family friend. It took about 2-1/2 hours for the funeral home to get there, which was great. My son and I had time to sit with him, hold his hand, say goodbye. Mike wanted to be cremated and wanted his ashes to come home, which is what we did. He told me to put them on the coffee table on Sunday during football season so he could watch the games. He was such a sport nut! Especially NOTRE DAME! Our plan is that once I join him, I will be cremated too and our ashes will be mixed together, together for all time. He found comfort in that.

Mike was only 57, way too young. Cancer just doesn't care how young or needed you are on this earth. I see people younger than Mike go and can't imagine how God could let this happen.

There had to have been 500 people at Mike's wake. He was so loved. Mike was very involved in Little League in our town as the kids were growing up. He was president of the league for a while, coach, umpire. As a memorial, we are installing a bench with a plaque in his memory on the t-ball fields. He would have liked that.

Again, I have hesitated to post because I don't want to discourage anyone who is still fighting this beast. Mike fought until the end. But he could fight no more. What has helped me has been keeping a journal. I know people around me must get very tired hearing me talk about him, how I am feeling each day, etc. But it is constantly on my mind. He is constantly on my mind. Everything reminds me of him. So I write it all down in my journal. It really helps.

This board has helped me so much during this past year as well. I thank God for all of you and the support I have received. I haven't posted all that much but just reading the boards helped me to understand a little more what Mike was going through, what was happening.

I plan to continue visiting the boards, hoping to be support to those who are still going through this hell. Mike is at peace now. For that I am grateful. No more prodding, poking, worry, stress, fear of the next scan. I have to hold on to that. The hard part now is mine. I have to learn to live without him physically in my life. He will always be spiritually in my life.

God bless you all. I just pray that your journey ends differently than ours did. And I pray that someone will finally find a way to beat this monster down. So that others will have a chance.

Love and God's blessing to you all,

Peggy

[Fay A.]

You know, I wish that I had been given the straight facts on what the final days/weeks with my Mom could mean. It would have been such an immense help to be PREpared in advance. Not everything that could have happened did, but enough did that it would have been far easier on my Mother, not to mention my siblings and I, had we not had to find out things by trial and error.

The devil is in the details, but salvation lies there, too. Part of the reason I handle what is happening to me as well as I do is because I learned from my experiences with my family. And I've learned from your experiences with your families.

I'll just be so glad when no one has to learn these particular lessons.

You are actually helping others whether they know it or not. If they are frightened by what you've written, then all they have to do is write to you to ask for clarification. The greatest cause of fear is ignorance....and limited experience. The greatest weapon against fear is knowledge.