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Birth Control (G-rated)

Mr Ry

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For those with No children-this is totally hysterical!

For those who already have children past this age,

this is hilarious. For those who have children this

age, this is not funny. For those who have children

nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who

have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,

Texas: Things I've learned from my Children (honest &

no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a

2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run

over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a

crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the

motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy

wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is

strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to

spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling

fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have

to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't

stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh

oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock

even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it

in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive

tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the

same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming

pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV

commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when


18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on;

plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute

response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not

make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First

grade...true story: One day the first grade teacher

was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her

class. She came to the part of the story where the

first pig was trying to accumulate the building

materials for his home. She read,"..And so the pig

went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw

and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that

straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then

asked the class, "And what do you think that man

said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I

think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'" The

teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the

Clorox and brake fluid.

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David & Frank, you can both forget about lung cancer you're gonna end up blowing yourselves up!

We've actually experienced the sandwich in the VCR, the legos going through the digestive system (twice with the same kid), and the cat in the dryer (it was the mother-in-law's cat). John, do not try the brake fluid thing like David and Frank!

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