sudden breakdown

[berisa]

Yesterday I went home (home with parents & sister & brother before marriage) for the first time after my dad's gone, I cried out of control, I felt "home" is not like "home" as my dad was gone, this home was not a real home which one important person was gone, I can't see who is supposed to be there, I strongly felt that my dad was REALLY gone. Since his gone, I cried many times but yesterday, it triggered my hurt deeply from the bottom of my heart. This was the first time I felt so hurt and his gone is so real to me. You know, in my current home, the absence of my dad will not trigger me as he was not used to be here. But while I was back to my home before marriage, the home that I was grown up, I felt so hurt...........do you all understand my feeling?

One night around 3 weeks ago, I dreamed of my dad, I saw myself was walking on the road and receiving an incoming call via my cellphone, this call was from my dad, I heard his voice and I asked him immediately, how're you there now? He answered it is okay. I then asked him "what's the exact meaning of "it's okay"? He then answered "It is quite good". Then I said, "Dad I miss you very much, do you know?" Then the dream was over and stopped. My sister then few days later, she dreamed of my dad, dad told her he is boring because nobody talks to him and we don't talk to him. My sister said how can we talk to you? He said, you can talk to me via dreaming of me. I just thought, how can I make myself dream of him?? It is not in my control. Certainly, I want I can have this control.

For the coming Father's day, the first time without him around me. It is very sad. We decided to visit him at the grave on that day.

I read a article previously about scientists think there is at least more than 10-Dimensions in Universe. Dad, are you in another place that like in another dimension that I cannot touch? Like the 4th dimension and other unknown dimension? I just think he has his own life there.

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Berisa

There are no words I can find to comfort you. I don't know whether to say this or not but I'll go ahead. I have feelings about some who have passed. I've had therapists who say that I have a special gift & who believe that I have really seen the spirit of people who have passed (such as my niece and my granddad). I have felt strongly ever since I heard about your dad passing, that he is content and happy and very proud of you.

Here is something I posted in Spirituality. It is from a Buddhist monk but what he says goes beyond any specific religion.

................If you were to love a cloud, with this insight, you would know that the cloud is impermanent. If you love a human being you can know that he or she is impermanent. If you were to become attached to a cloud you would have to be very careful. You know that, according to the law of impermanence, very soon the cloud will become something else. It might become rain.

You might say to the cloud, "Darling cloud, I know you are there and I also know that one day you will die. I also must die. You will become something else, someone else, I know you will continue your journey, but I shall have to look deeply in order to recognize your continuation so that I will not suffer so much."

If you forget about impermanence and are attached to the cloud, when the time comes for the cloud to be transformed into rain, you will cry, "Oh dear, my cloud is no longer there. How can I survive without her?"

But if you practice looking deeply, you can see the cloud in new forms like the mist or the rain. The rain is smiling, singing, falling down, full of life, full of beauty. Yet because of your forgetfulness you are not capable of recognizing the presence of the cloud in this new manifestation. You are caught in grief. You keep crying and crying and meanwhile the rain is calling you. "Darling, darling, I am here, recognize me!" But you ignore the rain while all the time rain is the continuation of the cloud. In fact the rain is the cloud itself.

-

From No Death, No Fear

Thich Nhat Hanh, copyright 2002

[shirleyb]

Berisa,

You are going through what we all go through I think. We want so badly for our loved ones to be here but they are not. You Dad's spirit is still with you. It continues on. We sometimes need to remember to have the faith of a child. Anything is possible.

I am sorry you are in such pain. Just keep the faith of the promises that have been made.

You are in my prayers.

Shirleyb

[jamie]

Berisa,

I can not imagine how hard it is for you-losing your Daddy. Im sure all will heal with time. As far as your dream goes.... try thinking of him before bed. I know if Im hungry before bed and all I think about it food, I end up dreaming about Cheeseburgers! . Try it...you never know.

Jamie

[kimblanchard]

Berisa, you are such a good and loving person. I am so glad your father came in a dream. I believe in such things. You can talk to him any time, just think of him and many people believe that he will know. Sometimes, in a very quiet meditative frame of mind, you may even hear an answer, like a whisper in your mind. He is okay though he may be getting used to another form of life.

As for breaking down, I think this had to come. When my mother passed away, I was okay for months and then had a crying spell for a couple of hours. I think I just had to do it, then I felt better.

Loving thoughts to you,

Margaret in Iowa

[betplace]

Berisa,

Oh sweetie, I know it is hard, and I feel so bad for you having to make this adjustment to life without your loved one. Your Dad loved you very much as you loved him. You must not feel bad for crying for his loss, grieving will take a long time and is a hard process to go through.

Blessings

Betty

[stand4hope]

Berisa,

It's ok. I think this is just the way it happens. My mom died in Jan. 1999. I shed a lot of tears, but on the first Mother's Day after her death, I cried almost all day. Since then, I've been ok. I just think that's just the way it happens.

Sending my love, honey,

Peggy

[kimblanchard]

We do not grieve linearly. Everyday is not a little bit better than the day before, even though that is what we think it should be. Somedays are a lot better than the day before, and some are a lot worse. Most are some where in the middle.

I encourage you to embrace your emotions, not question them. There is no normal here, I think. Grieving is a manifestation of the love we have for the departed. I am grateful for my capacity to hurt so much, because I know Becky created that capacity by allowing me to love that much before. And it is how I know I can love that much again. For now, it is mainly hurt. But it is also the promise of the future. Shutting down our emotions now I think in some way would shut down our ability to express those emotions throughout our lives, and that is something we don't want to do.

I, for one, love the story of the cloud.

Curtis

[stand4hope]

Curtis,

Wow! What a beautiful and deep statement, very helpful, and tremendous insight:

I am grateful for my capacity to hurt so much, because I know Becky created that capacity by allowing me to love that much

Just wow!

Love,

Peggy

[Snowflake]

Berisa,

I understand fully what you mean about the house not being the same without your father there. When my grandfather passed away, I spent a lot of time with my grandmother. At that time in my life, my son was two and I was living with my parents because my husband (at the time) was serving in Korea with the Army. My grandmother left everything in the house the same as it was the day my grandfather died - he died at home, in their bed.

Every time I went in, I expected my grandfather to be in his recliner, orange soda in hand, chocolate drops close by...

Later, my grandmother was stricken by Alzheimer's and ended up needing to be in a home. I rented her house to help supplement her income and give my then seven year-old and myself someplace to live. I painted the entire house, moved in my furniture, etc., and STILL had flashbacks sometimes upon entering the front door and saw the house as it was when he was there - and then reality would set in.

I believe my grandfather is still "there". The house is where he grew up, where he raised his kids, etc. I doubt he'll ever leave entirely. His request when he knew his cancer had returned was to be allowed to die in his home. I don't visit him at the cemetary, he's not there.

I don't think you'll ever see the house as NOT missing him. Too many years, too many memories. Next time, however, you will be prepared for these emotions as much as you can prepare for them. Next time, you will have happy memories and not feel so stripped...

Take care,

Becky

[BeckyCW]

Berisa,

I'm so sorry you hurt so very much over the loss of your beloved father. I cannot imagine what you are going through. The others here have said things that seem so true, and I hope these things help. Please know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. (((Hugs)))

BeckyCW

[sharyn]

Berisa -

I agree with everyone else that it would be very normal (whatever "normal" is) for you to get upset going back to your Dads home. He will forever be a part of that house - but, that is a good thing. In time, instead of crying when you are there, you will gain comfort from the memories that home brings you. I am so happy that you had a dream about your father, I truly believe that people who have left this life, connect with us through our dreams. I had many, many dreams of my mother in law after she passed and they were all so very real.... it was as if she was standing right with me - different from any other dreams I have. The last one I had of her was about 6 months ago, I was going down an escalator and she was sitting at a table at the bottom waiting for me. She looked so good. I asked her if she was happy, she said that she was, she was just upset with my father in law (who is also passed) because all he does all day is sit around and read and there is so much more to do there!!! I had to laugh because that is so her!! She told me to stop worrying.... and the dream was over. I have not dreamt of her since. I believe she is around me every day, I believe your Dad is with you all the time.... and he hears when you speak to him. Love, Sharon

[Remembering Dave]

When my 95 year old grandmother died six years ago, my mom (her daughter) said she felt like an orphange. My mom was 66 I believe at the time. My mom's brother got my grandmother's house, I always loved visiting that house, it was in the country up on a mountain in a beautiful part of West Virginia, but after she died and we were in the house, I mean just after the funeral, the house felt empty. I thought I would love that house and all the antique furniture and fancy fenton glassware no matter what, but after Grandma was gone it just felt empty and nothing had the sentimental meaning I thought it would have.

I got her bedroom furniture from the "front room" (the guest room) and put it in my guest toom. The first time my mom came over after I set it up she sat on the bed and cried.

Anyway, I think I understand how you feel. I'm not sure about the dreams, but just reach into your heart and you will feel your dad's presence there always.

God Bless,

Karen C.

[silkee]

Hi Beresa, I understand completely where you are at, and I think that it is very normal to break down "suddenly". I saw my mother in a dream about a month after she passed, and she indicated to me that she was OK, very similar to your experience. I felt like it was more than just a dream because I woke up whimpering, shaking and unusually cold. Chills were just running up and down my spine. I don't know that we can control who we talk to in our dreams, but I do believe that for whatever reason, be it a subconscience trigger in our brains or a true visit from a loved one- it doesn't matter- we will dream of people we have lost only when our minds are ready to. Does that make sense? This is not something we can control. I know it doesn't make it any easier, but it's OK to break down. It's OK to take as much time as we need to process the loss of our parents. And it's OK to hurt.