That Little Voice in the Back of My Head

[NowakowDA]

That's right! I'm hearing voices and they don't like you First of all I want to thank everyone who posted a reply to my message about my mother. I think I would have lost what little bit of my mind I had left if I hadn't found this place. Since Mom died, I have been trying to keep busy. If I can keep going or doing something, then I don't have time to think. During the day, that's no problem. There are a lot of things to get done. I'm waiting to get Mom's ashes and the death certificates from the funeral home. Mostly, I've been cleaning and packing. I'm also looking for a job. I have not worked since the first of the year. The trouble starts when it gets dark. At the end of the day when I finally quite and lay down, my mind starts to work and all the old questions come back. I can not banish the doubts from my mind. I will have to face them and admit I made some mistakes and that yes, in part I am responsable for my mothers death. In other words, I need to learn to live with my doubts and the mistakes I made. Right now that voice is being drowned out by another voice. This is the voice of the small boy that lives inside me. All this small boy wants is his mother. Maybe, with time I can still the voice of the little boy and learn to face my doubts. But both will always be there.

This is going to be the last time I post anything here in this forum. For Now just let me say "so long, and thanks for all the fish".

Don

P.S. If you didn't get that last line, then Douglas Adams was wrong. The answer to life, the universe and evrything isn't 42, it's, well! It's a secret. TTFN (Ta-Ta for Now).

[lilyjohn]

Sorry to see you go Don. I too know about that little voice in the back you my head. I know that I made mistakes. It took me a very long time to reallize that my mistakes were made out of love. Sometimes we make mistakes because we care so much. Sometimes we make mistakes because we know too little. Still others it is because we have been taught to trust other people. Sometimes they don't deserve our trust. Giving them our trust can be a mistake but it is an honest mistake. Failing someone who trusts is the real crime if that failure is because of haste, indifference or just someone's ego.

You have to know that you did your very best for your mom. I know that I did more for my Johnny than anyone else ever did. Still I have that little voice at times threatening my peace with myself. I think it will always be there but as time passes I have learned that that little voice is not always right so I try to ignore it. Easier said than done but it is a start.

Wherever you go or whatever you do always remember that you are welcome here. Trust yourself and your judgement. Any mistakes that were made that caused your mom real harm were not yours. You just happen to be the only one who cares enough to worry about them.

God bless you on your journy. Lillian

[Fall54]

Dear Don,

Please reconsider as I think you need as much support as you can get right now to help you through this. I think Lily gave you a lot to think about. When it is quiet and it is dark ask that little boy what you really did wrong. Taking care of your Mother the way you did and loving her the way you do tells me if there was anything done wrong it sure wasent on purpose. Your Mother is singing with the Angels right now and someday you will have eternity to be with her. You are in my prayers always Don and I do hope you reconsider your decision and come back and let us try to help you.

God Bless You Always,

Jane

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

Douglas Adams was wrong?

No, don't tell me that. He's my hero.

Waaaah!

Seriously now, I think it would be a good idea if you stayed a while longer.

Cat

[Pamela]

Don,

It hurts to read what you're going through, and I wish I could help. I have three wonderful brothers who are fully involved in the decisions regarding Dad, and I am so very grateful that I don't have to do it alone. It must have been a very scary responsibility for you by yourself.

My brothers and I were talking yesterday about what you're saying . . . regrets for mistakes made, wishing we could get a "do over" on some of the things that have happened to Dad. One of my brothers is agonizing over what he "should have done" that he THINKS might have made things better for Dad.

My input for your consideration is the same thing I told my brothers. We know what happened on this path. We don't know what would have happened on the "what-if" paths. It might have been better; it might have been worse. We didn't know when we made the decisions, and we still don't know today, what would have happened if we had done any of a hundred different things differently.

One thing I do know. Each and every decision was made with careful consideration and deep love. The same is true for you. You were not careless with your Mom. You were not neglectful of your Mom. You cared for her with everything you had, with love, devotion, and commitment. No one -- even you -- can ask for more than that.

Think of it this way. Even the oncologists don't know how each patient will respond to radiation, chemotherapy or even pain medication. They guess. They don't know how the disease will progress for any individual. They guess. Sure, they're educated guesses, but they're still just guesses. In other words, the people who do this for a living, the ones with the most information on hand and the most experience with the disease are making educated guesses. If they aren't absolutely certain about what's going to happen with treatment, then go easy on yourself for the educated guesses you made IN LOVE for your Mom's treatment.

Try to put the cancer and suffering you both endured behind you. Forget the "what-ifs." Remember the love. Remember the way you come through for her when she needed you. Remember that you were holding her when she left this world. Remember that SHE LOVED YOU.

I most likely will never meet you, Don, but I will always admire and respect you for the way you cared for your mother. So, please go on and have the happy, fulfilled life your mother wanted for you. And know that when you laugh or smile or feel joy again that your mother will be right there with you.

Pam

[mhutch1366]

Good luck, Don, wherever you go.

XOXOXOX

Prayers always,

MaryAnn

[Fay]

Don,

Read and re-read Pamela's post. She has stated it great! I too often thought about the what-ifs. Being in the medical field, I was looked to for all decisions. I tried my best to pick what was right, but often second guessed my decisions. All I know is I did the best I could, through love for my Mom. Remember hind sight is always 20/20 and what works for one may not work for another individual.

I wish you all the best.

Faylene

[kimblanchard]

I hope that your comment just means that you are heading over to the grieving forum or the for those who have lost a loved one forum, not leaving us entirely. And do keep in mind that the advice of former caregivers can be very useful to those doing it currently. So please come back here when you can, too.

Speaking of Douglas Adams, make sure you read his last book, compiled from the files on his computer when he died. There is a story he tells about being in a train station that may be as funny as anything he ever wrote.

Best wishes, Don.

Curtis

[Ann]

Don, my heart is really reaching out to you right now. I wish I was there to lend a shoulder to you but this will have to do! Being the mother of three sons, I am so touched by your post and all of the feelings of helplessness you are going through right now. At least you are doing the right thing by expressing your feelings and talking about them. That is why I agree with Curtis and hope you are going to remain here with us. Although you may feel as if you have no purpose here right now, you are very mistaken. We are all here for you and will pull together to get you through the tough times. After losing my husband, I was second guessing everything that had happened regarding his treatment. I felt as if I could have done more and had many times that I felt so guilty for everything. I now know, as you will come to know, that these feelings are very common. Cancer has a way of making us all feel helpless. We shudder at the mere sound of the word. Please, never doubt that you are a good son and a good person. I am sure that your mother knew that you were doing everything in your power to get her through this terrible disease with the lease amount of discomfort. Death of a loved one is something that we all have to deal with in our own time and our own way. If you feel you need a "Hall Pass" from this group for a while we amy consider granting one. But....please reconsider going away for good. In addition to having all of us here to help pull you through, you will also be here to offer help to others that will benefit from your experiences and advice. Should you need to talk...or yell...I am here to listen. I'm not always the best on advice...Lord knows...but I am a good listener and can relate to what you are going through! I will keep you in my prayers! I am sure your mother is very proud of you and is looking down on you with a radiant glow!!!

[kimblanchard]

Don,

I am so sorry. Please don't go. For me this forum has helped me tremendously. I am still angry. Who knows may I will be forever, but at least I have a place to vent.

Kim