Elaine Posted August 25, 2004 Share Posted August 25, 2004 Things a Cat Must Remember: My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill." I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am. I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank. I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl. I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!" I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nushka Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 I have a cat....cute! Nina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted August 30, 2004 Share Posted August 30, 2004 Elaine, I 'bout fell out of my chair.... and I don't even HAVE a cat! XOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 Laughed so hard I almost peed! Should come with a warning to take a potty break before reading...geesh! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dadstimeon Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 That's (have 3 cats) funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MayFrog Posted August 31, 2004 Share Posted August 31, 2004 I'm gonna print that one out and leave it by my cats' dishes....hopefully they'll read it........ Mary Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.