Ann

Muffy, I am so very sorry. I know how hard things are for you right now and how empty you feel. It may help you if you have a good friend to talk to right now. I found that talking helped to ease the pain a bit. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.

SENIOR DRESS CODE "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or somewhere around there) are quite confused about how they should present themselves. They're unsure about the kind of image they are projecting and whether or not they are correct as they try to stay up with the current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and must be avoided at all costs: A nose ring and bifocals Spiked hair and bald spots A pierced tongue and dentures Miniskirts and support hose Ankle bracelets and corn pads Speedo's and cellulite A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge Bikinis and liver spots Short shorts and varicose veins Inline skates and a walker And almost last, but not least...my personal favorite Thongs and Depends And ...... At some point ..... You must know you just have to give up them Daisy Dukes!

Let's all post a breed of dog alphabetically! A = Akita

You know, this could be my typical weekend day. I seem to be so organized and "together" when I'm at work. I manage to stay on task and actually accomplish a lot in 8 hours. But, when I'm at home, I am constantly getting side tracked and never seem to get anything done.

I sure do remember a lot of it and YES, I do remember two stockings. Come on Larry....you have to remember that!!!

Sometimes, I think I'm just an accident waiting to happen. I think part of my problem is just getting too wrapped up in whatever I'm doing and not paying enough attention to detail. I've never had any bad accidents, just minor scrapes and bruises.

A distinguished young woman, on a flight from Zurich to Dublin, says to the priest beside her, Father O'Donnell, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course," the old Irish priest says, "What may I do for ye?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the customs dollar limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? ...under your robes, perhaps?" Compassionately, Fr. O'Donnell replies, "I would love to help ye, dear, but I must warn ye: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," the woman says. When they get to Customs at Dublin, the anxious woman lets Fr. O'Donnell go ahead of her. The Customs agent asks, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of me head down to me waist, I have nothing to declare," the priest replies, cagily.The agent thinks this answer rather strange, so he asks, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, which, to date, is unused." Roaring with laughter, the agent says, "Go ahead, Father ..next?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A nice, calm respectable lady went in to the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, " I would like to buy some Cyanide."The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"The lady replied, " I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists' eyes got big and he exclaimed. "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill you husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: - The car isn't washed - The bills aren't paiid - There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter - The flowers don't have enough water, - There is still only 1 check in my check book, - I can't find the remote, - I can't find my glasses, - And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Donna, you have to be the world's best sister. I would love to have a sister just like you. You and Mark were so blessed to have each other.

Do you consider yourself to be accident prone?

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/sp ... ember.html

woman

Your MySpace page is a great tribute to both your husband and your dad. I know how much your would have liked your husband to have seen your page. I know how proud he would have been. But, never doubt that he is watching over you and sees know of all the wonderful things you are doing to honor him. I had picked out a song I wanted to play at my husband's memorial service a couple of months before he died. I so wanted him to hear the song and know it was exactly what was in my heart. But, I never told him, because I wanted to keep his spirits up and I knew if he heard the song, he would know that I knew the end was evident. After his death, I went to a medium. The man told me, in front of the entire group, that Dennis wanted me to know that he heard the song. So, I now have full belief that our loved ones are watching over us and know what out hearts need to hear.

Dog performs 'Heimlich' on choking owner -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unbelievable you say? Read on. Mark sent this story to me in an email. CALVERT, Md. - Toby, a 2 year old golden retriever, saw his owner choking on a piece of fruit and began jumping up and down on the woman's chest. The dog's owner believes the dog was trying to perform the Heimlich maneuver and saved her life. Debbie Parkhurst, 45, of Calvert told the Cecil Whig she was eating an apple at her home Friday when a piece lodged in her throat. She attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on herself but it didn't work. After she began beating on her chest, she said Toby noticed and got involved. "The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders," she recalled. "He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest." That's when the apple dislodged and Toby started licking her face to keep her from passing out, she said. "I literally have pawprint-shaped bruises on my chest. I'm still a little hoarse, but otherwise, I'm OK," Parkhurst said. "The doctor said I probably wouldn't be here without Toby," said Parkhurst, a jewelry artist. "I keep looking at him and saying 'You're amazing.'" Yahoo News

World's tallest man weds 5-foot-6 bride -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thu Mar 29, 12:00 AM ET BEIJING - The world's tallest man has married a woman who is more than 2 feet shorter than him, a Chinese newspaper reported Wednesday. Bao Xishun, a 7-foot-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia, married 5-foot-6 saleswoman Xia Shujian several days ago, the Beijing New reported. Bao's 28-year-old bride is half his age and hailed from his hometown of Chifeng even though marriage advertisements were sent around the world, it said. "After a long and careful selection, the effort has been finally paid off," the newspaper said. Bao was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's tallest person. He was in the news in December after he used his long arms to save two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs. The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province. Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, Chinese media reported. Photo; Yahoo News

Not sure what age your Dad is but I do know that most counties have a Department of Elder Affairs. These people are really on the ball when it comes to this type of thing. I think Becky Snowflake is right on with her advice. You need to continue on with this and get this woman (and her daughters) out of your mother's house and away from your father. Can you find a hospice facility that will accept your Dad as an in patient? I really believe you need to take drastic measures at this point in time.

Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. They go into the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. . . . . In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,................ "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die

The old man was sitting at the food court in the mall staring at a teen guy with spiked, hair that was colored in reds, oranges, blues, greens, purple and other colors. Every time the guy looked the old mans way, he saw the old man staring at him. Finally he had enough and said to the man, "Whats the matter with you, old man, haven't you ever done any thing wild?" Without missing a beat, the old man said, "Yes one time, aout 17 years ago, I had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

A few years ago, I really got my boss good. I told him I recieved a call from IRS and they wanted to schedule a date to meet with him about performing an audit. I can tell you that he looked as if he might need to change his clothes after that one...lol!

With April Fool's Day falling on Sunday this year, I didn't even have one prnak pulled on me this year. I didn't even think of the date, as I wasn't at work and that's where I usually look at my calendar. So...anyone have any good pranks they want to share?

This is always my very favorite joke. My best friend and I heard this years ago and have "adopted" it as our favorite. When we are in a situation when someone is boasting and we know it's mostly BS, we use that Precious phrase and no one ever knows....I hope.

I copied several of these recipes and plan on trying them over the weekend.

Hummer, Lexus, Corvette, Audi, Land Rover Name five things you are always running out of....