Ann

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

OK...I'll start this one off. Boob Job!!! I have never had a boob job in my life. ****This is not to say that I don't need one, just that I have never had one...lol!

I have never had a _______________ in my life.

A short Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters. On the bottom row were these letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied - 'I know the fellow.'

Why Parents have gray hair A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, " Dad ". With the worst of premonitions going through his mind, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad , It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes. I know she is much older than I am but, Dad , she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad , I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son, Chad P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

How do you get along with most of your relatives? Anyone stand out as a major pain?

Really good news!!! We can use this kind of news every single day!!!

WOW!!! Plese let Taylor know that we're proud, too! What an amazing young lady you have!!!

Grace, I know how much your heart is breaking. I can say, as others have already done, that the sun will shine again one day and all of the bad memories will be replaced with happy ones of the life you and Carlton shared. Just make sure that you allow yourself the time to grieve in your own way. I know how hard it is when you feel you have to be strong for the girls. Please yell if you need to talk.

Heather, I'm so very sorry. Remember that we are here for you.

Real Crimes Committed by Dumb Criminals Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there. Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..." Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify. A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia railroad track. A while later, something woke him - a 15 car coal train. "I raised up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..." An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter, which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at the bar... An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below. Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He missed... Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4 1/2 years in jail. Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. (apparently this guy hadn't heard of the guy who tried this with the jewelry store window). Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a Laser Tag gun. Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series of robberies by pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a gun... Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled - leaving his wallet on the counter. Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of escape. Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in prison for filing a false police report... Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery at a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended him. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested. San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately. Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check - a *forged* check. He got 10 years. The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60 years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... The police showed up at the victim's house after receiving a call of a break in while the man was away at work. The house was in a nice upper-middle class neighborhood. The police walked around to the side of the house with the victim, where they were shown the pried open sliding glass patio door. Clearly the entrance for the criminal. When asked if anything in the house was missing the man said nothing except his stash of marijuana. Police, not believing what they had just heard asked the man to repeat himself. The man, realizing that he had just admitted to possessing an illegal drug stammered and finally said, "oh forget the whole thing." He waved the police off and went back into his house. The police walked away laughing. The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. "And ma'am you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?" Yes sir, the witness answered. "And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?" Before the witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed openly. Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up more walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck - so they abandoned it. When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times." When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped off police. Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30 minutes, then tried to get away on foot. He shot at police several times, but missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole and threatened to kill himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed for five minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before accidentally shooting himself in the forehead... William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued by "the Kingdom of Heaven...". (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ... (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled - leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head - and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. Costa Mesa, California: A man allegedly robbed taxi driver James Hooper with a large caliber handgun, then tried to escape on foot. One foot, to be exact. Police say Timothy Lambert's gun accidentally discharged, shooting his own foot. Officers followed a trail of bloody prints a short distance before arresting Lambert. Great Falls, Montana: When Raymond Lutz of was stopped for going 104 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that "he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off..." Reno, Nevada: A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker. Oakland, California: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up. Illinois: An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. Topeka, Kansas: A man walked in to a Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Medford, Oregon: A 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..." Los Angeles, California: Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Virginia Beach: A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Modesto, CA: Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. New York: Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stick-up," then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived. Long Beach, California: When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked. Crystal, Kentucky: Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do..." Toronto, Canada: A gas station attendant had no trouble identifying a robber for police, even though the man had worn a pair of women's panties over his head as a disguise. The thief, who later admitted that his mind was clouded by intoxicants, had stuck his face through one of the leg-holes so he could see. Sacramento, California: Francis Karnes, a 39-year-old man was charged with reckless endangerment after he pulled a gun and shot his lawnmower when it wouldn't start. California: A 37-year-old California man reported to police that an intruder dressed in black and carrying a big knife broke into his home, forced him to smoke two packs of Pall Mall Golds, then left. Miami Beach, Florida: Nice Try Award; A Miami Beach attorney entered a 'not guilty' plea for his client based on astrological forces. The lawyer maintained that the position of the stars at the time of his client's birth caused him to break into a couple's home, tie them up and threaten them, and walk out with a brassiere on his head. Netherlands: An airline pilot has been sentenced to four months in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane. Levelland, Texas: E.C. Stewart, Jr. may never get out of jail after the District Attorney recommended last week that his bail be set at "a zillion dollars". The judge agreed. Wichita, Kansas: Police arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills. (Location Unknown): A young teller was new to the job when she was approached by her first robber. Noticing that the man's grammar was not the greatest, the teller figured that the would be criminal was slightly slow. She told the robber that he had to have an account to rob a bank. Disappointed, the man left. (Location Unknown): A criminal who broke into a couple's house started to take the TV, but instead he turned it on and began to watch. He supposedly liked the program that was on and laid down on the bed. Since it was at night he was tired and fell asleep. So when the couple came home the next day they found him and called the police. Providence, Rhode Island: David Posman, 33, was arrested in Providence, Rhode Island, after knocking out an armored car driver and stealing four bags of money. Each bag contained $800 dollars. However, the bags weighed thirty pounds each since they all contained pennies. The hefty bags slowed the fleeting criminal to a sluggish stagger. Police easily ran down and arrested the suspect. Washington D.C.: A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. Radnor, Pennsylvania: Police interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

The sign on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago: Do not activate with wet hands. Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory? Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner. At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. Tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout. Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition. Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents? Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. Electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be. At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist. Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs. Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear! In a Beauty Shop: Dye now! Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want. Cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of. Dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here. Florida maternity ward: No children allowed. Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks. Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends. New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center A non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels. *groan* A restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up. Texas funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. Veterinarian's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work. In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here? Bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop. On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance) On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left. On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. On a local plumbing company's trucks in NE Pennsylvania: Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push. On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin. On a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed. On a restaurant: Try our fish just for the halibut. On a roller coaster: Watch your head. On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff. On a Tennessee highway: Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable. On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts. On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot. On a Butcher's window: Pleased to meat you. On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte. On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et. On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut: No trespassing without permission. On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant: Blackened bluefish On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy Outside a disco: Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome. Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people. Outside a muffler shop: No appointment necessary. We heard you coming. Outside a photographer's studio: Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner. Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Mid-life crisis solved .. When I had been married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but every night I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde. "Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would, once again, be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV." Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

I'm so very sorry.

Jen, I am so very sorry that your family has more pain to deal with. I'll be saying prayers for your aunt. It's just so sad when someone that age becomes ill with such a terrible disease.

If you were to write a story, what subject would you be drawn to? (read carefully and pick just one ) Life in the future or an alternate universe Beauty, devastation, or another broad topic A long, epic love story A hilarious story that is close to your true life A quick tale about a romantic encounter or bad break-up

I don't think I do necessarily, but I've been told otherwise. If I do I come by it naturally. My father was very much about doing things well or not at all, and playing to win, or not bothering to play. Hard to walk away from that unscathed I suppose. But.. when playing a game...I have to win!!!

Are you a very competitive person? Do you have a competitive nature?

Herman's Hermits - - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker > > > The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip. > > > > Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash. > > > > > > > Roberta Flack -- The First Time I Forgot Your Face. > > > > Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now. > > > > Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver > > > > The Commodores -- Once ...Twice ...Three Times to the Bathroom. > > > > Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts. > > > > Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping . > > > > The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone. > > > > Abba -- Denture Queen. > > > Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall. > > > > Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore. > > > > Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again!

Did I read that sign right? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Over a urinal in a men's room: WILL BUCKS WITH SHORT HORNS PLEASE STAND UP CLOSE? THE NEXT MAN MAY HAVE HOLES IN HIS SHOES! Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park I sure hope so) ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THI S LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! , tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does you wife look like?" To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

Here are a few things to think about: Can you cry under water? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does a round pizza come in a square box? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What disease did cured ham actually have? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did you just try singing the two songs above? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Bubba had been going to Texas A&M University for nine years and just couldn't graduate. One day the Dean of students called Bubba into his office and said, "Bubba, we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In one month, at half time of the homecoming football game, I am going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back." Bubba agreed and ran off to start studying. He studied night and day for a month. Finally the day arrived. It was a special day with homecoming and Bubba's big test. The stadium was almost packed with Aggie students and alumni, all wanting to see how Bubba would do. The Dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for the question?" Bubba said yes. The Dean said, "Bubba, what is three times three?" Bubba thought about it for five minutes and then stepped up to the microphone and said, "Nine." Before the Dean could respond, thousands of Aggie students and alumni screamed "Give him another chance!!!"

Chicken & Dressing Casserole 3 cups chicken breast cooked (I boil mine with chopped onions, and 2 bay leaves, salt and pepper, and poultry seasoning 1 can cream of mushroom soup 1 can cream of celery soup 2 cups chicken broth (used the broth from chicken) of course remove the cloves 1/2 cup butter or margarine, melted 1 package chicken herb-seasoned stuffing mix, (8 oz) 1 cup shredded cheese (usinggrated swiss) Cook chicken; cool, and cut meat into bite-size pieces. Mix soups and broth; add chicken to the mixture. Add butter or margarine to dressing mix. Combine chicken mixture with the dressing mixture. Place in a 2 to 2 1/2-quart casserole and bake at 350° F. for 30 minutes. Top with shredded cheese during the last 5 minutes if desired. Soooooo quick and easy, to put together, if you cook the chicken ahead of time. Serves 6.

I love this video. The dog looks just like my Tanner Dog.