Ann

These 16 were taken off Actual police car videos around the country: #16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." #15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." # 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." #13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." #12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." #11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" #10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" #9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." #8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" #7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey crap." #6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." #5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." #4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?" #3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." #2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS... #1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

I think I would buy all outdoors stuff. I'd start with a new patio set, a grill, a gazebo....Can you tell I love my yard????

Italian Firefighters > > One dark night in the small town of Garfield, > NJ, a fire started inside > the local sausage factory. In a blink the building > was engulfed in flames. > The alarm went out to all the fire departments for > miles around. > > When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared > on the scene, the > sausage company president rushed to the fire chief > and said, "All of our > secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the > center of the plant. They > must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire > department that brings them > out and delivers them to me." > > But the roaring flames held the firefighters > off. Soon more fire > departments had to be called in because the situa > tion became desperate. As > the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that > the offer to extricate > the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire > department that could save > them. > > Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was > heard as another fire Truck > came into sight. It was the fire engine of the > nearby Lodi, NJ Volunteer > fire department composed mainly of Italian > firefighters over the age of 65. > To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire > engine, operated by these > Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked > outside the plant, and > drove straight into the middle of the inferno. > > Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement > as the Italian old > timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a > performance that was as > if they were fighting to save their own lives. > Within a short time, the Lodi > old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the > secret recipes. > > The grateful sausage company president joyfully > announced that for such > a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward > to $200,000, and walked > over to personally thank each of the brave elderly > Italian > firefighters. > > A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the > event on film. The "on > Camera" reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What > are you going to do > with all that money?" > > "Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, > the 70-year-old fire > chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa > de brakes on dat > fockinna truck!!" > >

Tommorrow, March 17th, would have been our 29th wedding anniversary, if Dennis had lived. Even though four years have passed, I still miss him terribly and tommorrow will be especially hard for me. My boys always make plans for us to do something as a family on March 17th, as they know how hard the day is for me. As I think about tommorrow, I am so grateful for all my friends on this board. Each of you is truly my hero, as I know the pain you have all encountered while dealing with this horrible disease. Thank you so much for caring!!!

I'm so sorry that you're hurting. It still amazes me how totally insensitive people can be. I'm sending hugs your way. Just remember that we all care!!!

Shauna, I'm saying prayers. It sounds as if you family has had more that their share of problems and suffering. I know how heavy your shoulders must be by now. You know, this is a great place to come and vent and just "let it all out." Maybe that's just what you need...a good rant and rave session.

Missy, your friend is very lucky to have you for a friend! Like Kasey, I'm hoping that he doesn't need to be here but if he does, we'll be here with open arms and lots of support!

You just found out that you have won a $5000 shopping spree at Sears. What are you buying?

Like Ginny, I saw Wild Hogs last weekend and thought it was very funny.

Saying prayers for Joyce today and as always, remembering her beautiful daughter, Grace.

What was the last movie you saw that was really funny ?

There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous. He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it. One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing..." I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone..."

Loretta, it's so very good to hear good news. Thanks so much for sharing your good news with us!

Got this email from a friend this morning. Had to share.

Gas Prices vs ? What if you were to buy a gallon of . . . 1. - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon 2. - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon 3. - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon 4. - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon 5. - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon 6. - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon 7. - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon 8. - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon 9. - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon 10. - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon 11. - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

I know that there have been long discussions on this board about what to say to a family member when someone dies. Most of us are so tired of hearing things like..."they're so much better off" and "I know just how you feel" and "everything happens for a reason." So, I feel it is appropriate to simply say that "I'm so sorry for your loss." My answer is sincere and to the point and it doesn't include all of these absolutely senseless sayings that people say when they don't know what else to say. Yes, you have suffered a "loss" of physical companionship but you will never "lose" the love and memories of your mother.

I think traffic is more frustrating. I can read magazines while waiting in line at the supermarket. But, I can also call my friends and chat while waiting in traffic but traffic is still more frustrating.

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect. I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close! . I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle; but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened; and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular. He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands; and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of! a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for; and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in - well, I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices; but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time, the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death); and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment); so her front end started to drop. Now, picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally, I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked - sort of. Spectacularly sort of ...so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throw! was a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine. I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car, but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And awhole lot of Band-Aids.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at Home "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

Which do you find more frustrating? Waiting in a long line at a supermarket, or waiting for a long time in heavy traffic?

I n dian Mating Season Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothe s and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us." Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening. The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look a t the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.... (Get ready, this will kill ya), NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY TRAIN

(((((((((((Karen and Laura))))))))))) I just saw the nice memorial that was in Florida Today and my eyes filled with tears, remembering my dear friend, Karen. I pray that today will be a day that you can recall some beautiful memories of years spent with such a wonderful husband and father.

How Did You Know? ------------------------------------ A young man, wanted to get his beautiful wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited and she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the wife goes to get her hair done. Her phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi hon," he says, "How do you like your new phone?" "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand. How did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"