Ann

Between the sheets..... Do you have different sheets, blankets etc for summer and winter?

So very sorry.

Do you feel guilty not giving money to someone with one of those "out of work , plese help" signs? (or some kind of sign similar to that)

I love music when I'm in the tub...and bubbles!!!

Aside from rubber ducky , in the shower / tub I want sponge face cloth a back brush just soap or body wash a pumice stone

Ramblings of a Retired Mind I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is "when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it." I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it Pumping Rust." I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask "who is to be notified in case of an emergency." I think you should write, "a good doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do - write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

DON'T TEASE OLD LADIES Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring Evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney: Did you know him? Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly. Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down? Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him. Defense Attorney: Why not? Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago. Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts. Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him. Defense Attorney Why not? Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years! Defense Attorney: What happened next? Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!" Defense Attorney: Did he take you? Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little @#%$

Hospital chart Bloopers! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These are actual writings from various hospital charts. 1. The patient refused an autopsy. 2. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 12. She is numb from her toes down. 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home. 14. The skin was moist and dry. 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor. 25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Apologies in advance A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous blonde sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in lace. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her eepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies........." She says: You Just happened to catch my eye."

What do you do if you forget the name of someone you've just been introduced to?

Who is the oldest living person in your family?

Quick......without thinking about it.... At this moment, you'd like to have: A few minutes to take a nap A chat with a few friends Something to eat Something to read I don't know!!!!!!!! Wah!!!!

Embarrassing Medical Exams -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one. - Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX . 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. - Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." - Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. - Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." - Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR 6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." - Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." - Submitted by RN no name AND FINALLY!!!................ 8. As! a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". - Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson. . . "They won't let me fart."

"Angels Explained by Children" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Angels Explained by Children" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold. Gregory, 5 Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it. Olive, 9 It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree To wear those angel clothes. Matthew, 9 Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. Mitchell, 7 My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, 8 Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!. Jack, 6 Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. Daniel, 9 When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. Reagan, 10 Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter. Sara, 6 Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. Jared , 8 All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it. Antonio, 9 My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. Katelynn, 9 Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it. Vicki, 8 What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. Sarah, 7

Computer sale a-la Abbott and Costello -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this: Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for Windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W". COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

What is something you must do or get done by the end of the week? PS....Gosh, I've missed you guys!!!

I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm back at work and hanging in here. I'm still having lots of back pain but am saying prayers that it's nothing that won't get better. I saw my doctor and he thinks, after seeing the CAT scan, that it's mostly muscular issues, although I do have some bone thinning, due to age. I'm having a DEXASCAN next week and then we'll see how much of a problem that is. I just want to thank everyone for all the good thoughts and prayers. I can feel them working. Oh....I have some good news to share with all my friends. I'm going to be a grandmother for the second time in mid-January. Ella will be a big sister to a new baby. Her mom and dad will definitely be busy, as Ella will only be 14 monts old when the new baby is born. So, God is good !!! I've been missing everyone and thinking of you all!

Oh, Tina...I am so very sorry to hear that this monster has once again reared it's ugly head in your family. I will be keeping your Dad in my prayers. I know your heart is broken, just thinking about this diagnosis. Know that you are surrounded by our love.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know the pain you are feeling and am here should you need to talk.

So very sorry for your loss.

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the summer BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill (drink in hand). Here comes the important part (4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with a potentially dangerous situation. Important again (7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... ( The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all (10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

A Minnesota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee atevery step. The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smarta$$"

Blue Moon. Tonight, Thursday, May 31st. Second full moon in this month.

Yes, the book is great!!! I read the entire book in one sitting. I was so glad to see some of our board members have submitted stories. I have three copies, one for each of my sons.