ErinC1973

I am so sorry; if your mom has the will in her, I believe with all my heart that anything is possible. My mom was a VERY hard case to treat because she had stage IIIB with malignant pleural effusion, was wheelchair bound from Post-Polio syndrome, and on dialysis. Because of her kidney function, her body could not process chemo drugs like a normal person. We tried Tarceva at first but it didn't work. She then went to Taxol/Carboplatin. She was admitted to the hospital for three days, MWF, each month. She'd get Taxol on Monday for three hours, then Taxol/Carbo and then dialysis (a total of 9 hours hooked up to machines) and then Taxol again on Wednesday. We saw HUGE results from this, and got to spend some fantastic quality time with her during her great run. I don't have any experience with the side effects you're talking about, but my dad (who also had NSCLC) did Navelbine briefly. As with all other chemos, he was extremely constipated. Best of luck,

Rochelle, my deepest condolences to you and John. I am so SO sorry...I wish I could give you a hug. You are both really being tested lately, aren't you?

Oh, Jamie! What wonderful news! I am smiling from ear to ear. So happy for you!!

Tom, I, too, would love to hear all about Tracy when you feel strong enough to tell us. I guess you WILL learn to live with the grief, but that doesn't mean you have to like it. I just don't understand why these things happen. Again, I am just so sorry.

I am so deeply, deeply sorry.

Congratulations Nick! I have been waiting for this news from you for months now. You and Keri really deserve this. It really is very bittersweet. As you know, Ian was born three weeks after my mom died. She had every intention of seeing her new grandson. Most days I really feel like she is coming home soon and we'll all catch up, and she'll hold him in her arms. Boy, I'd give anything to make that happen. What I do know is that it's very hard to walk this earth without that special someone there who was always proud of you. I have this relatively new life with my husband and three kids, and he always reminds me that he is here for me whenever, whatever I need, but my mom was pretty much my last link to my childhood. I am forced to grow up now, and I don't like it. Not one bit. I remember when I made the invitations to Ian's Christening, and when I finished, I wanted to run downstairs to my mom's room and show her. She would have said, with a big smile on her face, "you are just so darned creative, I'm tellin ya, you really need to go into business!" But her room was dark; it had only been about ten weeks since her death. My beautiful boy never knew his grandma. And he never will. I feel cheated, robbed, depressed, angry. I feel (unrealistically, I know) as though Ian could have saved my mom's life. Now he has the name she picked for him, but she will never know it. What I can tell you is that it took Stu and I four years of invasive tests, treatments, procedures, and tons of money to get pregnant. We had a lot of failure, miscarriages, heartache. We were in the middle of treatment when my dad was diagnosed with LC. He died in 9/99; we never had success. Then my grandpa got sick and died in 9/00. Six months later, we got pregnant with the twins. When God thought the time was right, it happened. I was sad that my dad and grandpa missed out on such a happy occasion for us. But I really do feel that the time was right. I haven't gotten to that point yet with my mom's death. When I found out I was PG with Ian all I could think was, "I can't be. How will I care for my mom?" And even though I am sad/angry/depressed that she didn't get to meet Ian, a tiny piece of me knows that God knew He was going to take my mom from me and gave me Ian to help me with the grief. I went through the labor and birth in a blur--I really don't remember most of it, to be honest. And in the long run, it feels as though I swapped one life for another when I came home with Ian. We were busy caring for another person, but someone else, and in a different way. It was (and still is) very hard. You know that this is a GOOD THING. I just wish so badly that your mom could be here to share in your news.

Talk, talk, talk. Mikkel and Saoirse were 4 when my mom died. She lived with us, and Saoirse is having a VERY hard time with missing Grandma. We talk about her all the time, she and I cry together, and we go to the cemetery often. While I can't change her feeling sad, it feels good to know that Saoirse will forever remember her Grandma so vividly. My cousin told me that when she lost her dad she looked at her grief as a gift of how much she and her dad loved each other. I see my grief this way, and I'm trying to teach my kids the same. We talked with the pediatrician, who offered a child psychologist, but then we happened to be at a Kids' Expo and I saw a booth with a grief counselor there. She told me this is the direction I should go. We just moved and I am trying to find some good information here for grief counselors. I would also like to get my kids into a support group for their age. I have read countless books on the subject, but the theme is the same: don't try to hide the grief, or change the subject when they talk about it. Letting you know that you support them, love them and care about them is what will help more than anything right now, with this range of emotions that they have never had before. Good luck,

Jane, I am so sorry. It's been a long road, hasn't it? But I am POSITIVE, because we are alike and our moms shared common obstacles, that you would not trade one single day. My thoughts and prayers are with you now, and forever as you begin this journey of grief. PLEASE keep coming here; it is a place where I have found comfort from those who understand more than any other place. I really, really hope that our moms are both dancing now. I hope mine is dancing with my stepdad--country line dancing, to be exact. I can still see my mom "chair dancing," as she called it. I trust that they are both pain-free for the first time in a long time. They so deserve to be rewarded. I can't comment on wanting your mom to be here one more day so you could apologize for things you said and did; I am living it now, every single day of my life. No one will change my mind, no matter how many times they tell me "what a good daughter" I am, and "how my mom loved me and was proud of me." I'm just not there yet. Peace, Jane. And again, I am so deeply sorry.

I am so very sorry.

Congratulations Missy! Welcome to the world, Xavier! I hope you can come home soon.

Well, for my dad, it went like this: One Saturday DH and I went to my parents' house. My dad and DH went to my parents' cottage about two hours away, because he was mowing the lawn for my dad while he was in chemo. DH said that my dad drove, and one time he went through a stoplight, but DH didn't think much of it. When they came home, dad went to take a nap (totally normal). When DH and I were getting ready to leave, my mom went in to wake him up to say goodbye. He came out into the living room, and while we were standing there, he was very quiet, smiling but looking around like he was lost. I remember looking at him, thinking, "God, I hope..." The next morning, my mom called. She said she had called an ambulance because when she woke up, my dad was not in bed. She got up, and walked all over the house before she finally spotted him outside on the front lawn, urinating. She yelled at him to come in the house. When he came in, she said, "What on earth were you DOING?" He said, "I couldn't find the toilet." Right after the ambulance took him, she was gathering her things in the kitchen to go to the hospital, and she eyed a puddle on the floor by the stove. She opened the oven door, and he had urinated all inside the oven. That day he had a CT scan which told us what we already knew. But...looking back on it, my dad was VERY secretive throughout his treatment. For instance, he never told my mom that he was NOT supposed to be driving while on chemo. So he may very well have had other symptoms, which he just kept from all of us. Sadly, I can't even talk to my mom about it now.

Very sweet...brings back memories! Congrats again!

Kelly, I swear, I wish we all lived closer to one another! My 5 y/o daughter has been having issues with grief over losing her Grandma. How can I help her when I can't help myself? And in recent months, some things about my mom have come to light that I have to deal with...and I just don't know HOW. I can't talk to her about them; I can't talk to ANYONE about them. My husband loves me and he offers words of support and encouragement, and he tries to say all the right things, but I'm sliding...fast. In fact, I do believe I have hit rock bottom. I'm overwhelmed, tired, anxious, crabby, and generally just a b!tch on wheels. I don't like a single thing about myself anymore. And what I told Stu on Sunday is that "No amount of talk therapy is going to help me. I need drugs." The scary thing is that 12 years ago I was put on xanax after losing my grandma, and I was so addicted to it that it took 2.5 years to wean myself off of it. And I always said, I know the meds are out there, I just don't feel like I need them yet. Well, now I DO. I've said in the past that depression for me is like sinking in quicksand. 12 years ago I sank so deeply that I could no pull myself out. A few times it was bad, and I fell in, but I dragged myself out. Since last year, I've been sinking, and this time I'm too far gone. I have to get back control of my life somehow. I'm not doing myself or my family any favors. It stinks; everyone knows how hard it is for a grieving person to actually PICK UP the phone and reach out for help. People may say, "I'm here, just call," but I don't know...you just can't. And for no one to respond when you reach out for help, well, especially coming from those who know, it's like ripping the wound open all over again.

Praying...

Jane, My heart hurts for you, and all of the pain you are enduring right now from so many angles. I just wish it didn't have to be like this. I admire your strength and courage. I know you do what needs to be done, but you have done it with such conviction and dedication that I really can't help but wish that I had been more patient and understanding with my own mom. My love and prayers to you,

I am just so sorry this is happening.

Michele- I am sorry I missed this yesterday. I wish I could bring your mom back so she could meet Conor. Oh, how I know how badly you would love to put that baby into her arms. Unfortunately, I know all too well. I hung onto the belief that when my mom looked at me from her hospital bed and said, "I AM going to be here for this baby's birth" she would be, no matter what, because when my mom set out to do something, she ALWAYS accomplished it. Three weeks later I was giving birth in absolute shock that my mom was really gone from my life forever. Now there's a new little person here that my mom doesn't know, and will never know, and who will never know her, and that REALLY, really hurts. There's lots more I'd like to say, but just know that I do understand every word of what you're saying. I'm so sorry that your mom isn't here to enjoy all of Conor's milestones. For me, losing my mom has been so life-changing that I sometimes feel nowadays that I'm on the outside looking in, going, "Who IS that person? I don't even recognize her." It might not make sense, but it's something I am struggling with these days for many reasons. One thing I know for sure is that it's hard to live my life every day without her love. Sounds like your mom and mine had lots in common...and mine was 4'11", too!

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My mom lost weight, too, and her nutritionist offered her marinol if she thought she needed it, but then my mom began to gain weight again. Her situation was particularly difficult because she was a dialysis patient, too, so just about everything on the list of "good" things for cancer patients were "no-no's" for dialysis patients. We made it work, though, and she got her appetite back. I've heard good things about Megace, too.

We went to the funeral yesterday. This was my grandpa's brother. We found out he had LC with brain mets five weeks ago. http://www.legacy.com/nwitimes/Obituari ... D=91065322 Albert Kovach Albert Kovach DeMotte, IN Albert Kovach, age 89, of DeMotte, passed away July 19, 2007 at St. Anthony Hospice, Crown Point, IN. He was born in Whiting, IN and the son of Anna (Balon) and Steven Kovach, both deceased. Albert was a 1935 graduate of George Rogers Clark High School. On July 12, 1941 he married Julia Ann Clark who passed away May 14, 2003. He was a Senior Laboratory Tech for Amoco Oil, Naperville, IL for 40 years. Member of St. Cecilia Catholic Church, DeMotte, IN and Fourth Degree of Knights of Columbus, Samuel Cardinal Strich Assembly at St. Ann's Parish in Lansing, IL and also the Choir Director at St. Ann's for 17 years. Albert is survived by his sons: William (Dona) Kovach, DeMotte, IN, Albert (Kathleen) Kovach, Jr., Sugar Grove, IL; grandchildren: William (Wendy) Kovach, Douglas (Susan) Kovach, Matthew (Julie Mirise) Kovach, Rebecca Kovach, David (Catherine) Kovach, Michael (Katherine) Kovach and Krysta December; great-grandchildren: Alec, Jarod, Levi, Michael, Sarah, Emily, Aidan, Jillian, Katelyn and Ashland; sister Ann Potasnik of Dyer, IN; brother Tom Kovach, Whiting, IN. Albert was preceded in death by his wife Julia and parents; one sister and two brothers. The family will receive friends from 2-6 p.m. with prayer service at 4:00 p.m. on Sunday, July 22, 2007 at Jackson Funeral Service, 200 Third St. SW, DeMotte, IN. Funeral Mass will be held on Monday, July 23, 2007 at 10:00 a.m. at St. Cecilia Catholic Church, DeMotte, IN with Monsignor Robert Sell officiating. Interment will follow at Cemetery of The Resurrection, DeMotte, IN. Memorials may be made to the American Cancer Society. www.jacksonfuneral.com.

My grandparents, mom and stepdad are all buried next to each other, and their area was sodded pretty much right away. They had markers already, we just had to go to the monument place to tell them to engrave the death date on them. This was EXTREMELY hard for me; I go to the cemetery pretty often, and when I saw my grandpa's death date on the stone, it startled me (I just didn't expect it, my aunt had made the arrangements) and it felt so final and real. It was my responsibility to have my mom's death date engraved, and as much as I hated to do it, I also knew my mom wouldn't want me to wait forever. It was done within a couple of weeks after I put my request in. My family's grass generally looks bad, because they are near the road and it gets mangled from salt and the plow during the winter. I bought a battery-powered trimmer and I edge and trim their markers and pull some weeds. The man whose wife is buried next to my grandma fertilizes my family's grass because it turns out he knew my grandpa. It really does burn me up that we pay so much money to bury our families, and then the grass looks terrible, if there is any at all. What REALLY angers my aunt and me is that we put flowers and things on their graves, and then they are either stolen or mangled by the mower. I cry when I go there and their graves are empty; I feel like people must think we don't care, and I'm disappointing my parents and grandparents. I try. I really do. I just can't get over how much theft there is there. And they just recently handed out a pamphlet at the entrance saying that elderly women need to be extra careful because people are mugging them in broad daylight as they are at the cemetery! Sorry to rant...I do hope you get some answers very soon!

Carleen, I think I can safely speak for everyone when I say that I don't care whether you can offer ME support right now; I am just glad to see you posting, sad to see that you are enduring such pain in your heart which seems to have no end. I do so understand when you say that your pain is all you have left of Keith and you cherish it. I have told people this much when they try to tell me how THEY hurt to see me hurting, how my mom would not want me wallowing in grief all the time. If I didn't have my grief I'd feel even more lost than I do right now. I've accepted it as a part of me; it is the only thing that could possibly try to fill the hole that was blown in me when my mom died. I was so hoping against hope while at the Chicago Bash that you would just appear at the restaurant even though we haven't heard from you. I can say with all my heart, that I never had the connection with the people on my old LC board when my dad was diagnosed in 1998 (except with FayA, who was there also) that I do with this entire board, and I am so glad I got the rare opportunity to sit down and talk with them face to face (and did a lot of crying, too ). We really do get it, Carleen, from the patients to the caregivers to the family members. And you know we will always be here, next week or next year, whenever you come back. I am glad you have people around IRL who care so deeply for you. In looking back, when my dad died I stayed with my mom and slept in her bed for I don't even remember how long. I was so afraid of her being alone and her mind wandering, then the tears would start falling. Suddenly I realized that my mom NEEDED to be alone and grieve. And I didn't even honestly get it until after SHE died. People mean well, they really do, but sometimes they just don't know when they are doing more harm than good. And it's hard for us to tell them when they are when we don't know ourselves; one time what they say could be just what we needed to hear at that moment, and the next it can send us into fury and rage. Just keep in mind that we are a group that knows you, that knew Keith through you, and we will not judge when your grief over him should be over or changing. Remember that we are here for you...always.

Good to see you again, Frances. Blessings to your dad on his latest news! I am glad to hear the prostate "C" scare turned out NOT to be.

Wonderful news, Aaron! You are awesome at turning a negative situation into a positive (and not just with this latest news; I feel that you have done an excellent job at remaining positive throughout your diagnosis and treatment). You so deserve to have this shining moment. I am proud to say I know you!

Andrea and Brian, Big congratulations to both of you! Elizabeth and Jacob are just perfect and so beautiful. What impressive weights, too! Randi should be extremely proud, since many multiples are whisked off to the NICU right after birth! Seeing the pictures of everyone holding those healthy babies quite honestly made me jealous, since I was only able to hold Mikkel hours after the birth, and Saoirse a day after. I would love to hear the full story when you get a chance! I know what a long road it has been for you, and you so deserve this day and its blessings. You are very lucky to have found such a warm and giving woman in Randi; it is something many people only dream about. These babies are miracles in every sense of the word. I say that same thing about my twingles (twins plus one!!!) Enjoy these early days! They are exhausting, but I can't tell you how worth it it is. We may be crazy, but Stu and I agree that waking up in the middle of the night, feeding our babies, and listening to the quiet as we rocked them, it felt as though we were the only four people in the world right then at that moment. You will have favorite moments, too. Cherish each and every one of them. I know you will. My love to both of you as you begin a beautiful chapter in your lives.