ErinC1973

Oh, Missy! I am so sorry. I know, honey. I do. And, BTW, you are NOT a bad mommy! You really ARE probably carrying a redhead!!

Wow, Katie...you never cease to amaze me. I am proud to know you!!

I am so very sorry to hear that your mom has begun her tirade of verbal abuse again. I wish I could say "It's the cancer talking," but having spoken with you in PM, we know this isn't the case. You have got to be physically and mentally spent. I think you have got to do what you need in order to survive this. I hope you know that we do understand here, and that we care and will help guide you when we can. I wished long ago that I were closer to you so I could help, because even though I don't know your mom, I do know about the pain and issues with independence from post-polio syndrome. Unfortunately it does sound as though she may have other things going on from the dementia-like behavior. I think it's hard for us to get to the point where we need to admit we're drowning, but you have reached that point, and I applaud you for recognizing it and reaching out for help. You are no less of a person because of it, and please don't let your mom try to convince you otherwise. Many prayers being sent your way for better days ahead. I am thinking of you.

Good to see you!!

Oh, KATIE...you are so right. The family tree was cut off at the base. This describes how I've been feeling since my mom's been gone PERFECTLY. When I say "I'm alone now that mom's gone," Stu always tells me, "Well, you have us. You have me and the kids." I can't describe to him how it's not the same. I've told him my mom was my last link to my childhood. There is no one left to be proud of me anymore. No one who can talk to me about the day I was born. I have my aunt and uncle (Mom's sis and brother) but they both have their own kids, and while my aunt remembers a lot more than I thought she would, there are obviously a lot of things she just can't know or remember. Well, Missy, I can empathize, you poor thing, with being pregnant without your mom to share in the joy of it. I swear with everything in me that I wish I would have been the last female on earth to endure that pain. It is indescribable. Thinking of you tonight, honey.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your mom. I am an only child, too, and my mom lived with us for three years before she died last year. We did not have hospice with her, but we did with my dad, who died of LC in 1999. My mom was wheelchair-bound, and my dad was at a hospice facility. I swear that the people who work there have got to be angels in disguise. My mom felt so guilty about having to put him in there, but they made it as easy as possible for her. They were extremely kind to all of us. That being said, I know that most people want to either keep their family member at home, or bring them to their home, since the general consensus is that they'd be more comfortable there. But, all in all, your mom is YOUNG, and I am sorry that people have treated you like cr@p because of the insurance issue. It is overwhelming for both of you to care for your mom; my mom was handicapped and it still was heartbreaking for her to lose the independence she did have. It was hard for my husband and I, too; we had to learn all of her little quirks and requests. We all got on each others' nerves from time to time but I would have never traded caring for her in a million years. I really have no advice on boosting her nutrition. Seems like you've gotten some good advice already, though. Carnation Instant Breakfast is good stuff--my kids like it! Other than that, you could try GNC. We had an especially hard time because my mom was not only taking chemo, so she needed her strength, but she was on dialysis, so she needed high protein, low sodium/potassium/phosphorus foods. Most foods she was instructed to eat that were good for chemo patients were NOT good for renal failure patients. I think that you have definitely come to the right place, and what answers you CAN'T get from hospice or doctors, you can get here. We will do whatever we can to help!!!! Thinking of you,

Andrea, How exciting! Just to let you know, I had my twins at 35w1d. I was EXTREMELY nervous about delivering on an odd week since it is supposed to be bad for boys developmentally. Mikkel was 6lbs8oz and Saoirse was 3lbs9oz. My twin discordancy was noted at 24 weeks, when I started biophysical profiles and non-stress tests. Saoirse kept passing them, so they let me keep baking But I did go into the hospital at 29w because of my cervix (I was contracting more than 5 times an hour and it shortened my cervix down to nothing) so they kept a VERY close eye on me, and I was strapped to the monitor all day and night. Anyway, Saoirse was the size of a 30-31 weeker, and she had minor issues at birth; they gave her an ng tube so she would not lose any more weight, an IV to regulate her sugars (normal with preemies) and elevated bilirubin so she had double phototherapy (also normal with preemies). Mikkel also had elevated bilirubin, but this was because of blood incompatibility issues. I delivered by c/s on a Monday, brought Mikkel home with me on Friday, and we went to pick up Saoirse, all 3.6lbs of her, on Saturday. She had a lazy eye which was ever so slight, and she saw a pediatric opthamologist a couple of times, but it corrected itself and she needed no therapy. This is also common in preemies. Saoirse got onto the growth charts at 4 months of age. Today she weighs 2lbs more than her brother. Twin discordancy is usually noted when there is a 30% difference between multiples; Mikkel was at 90% and Saoirse was at 17% when I was 34 weeks. I begged my perinatologist to let me go to 36 weeks but my kidneys had shut down so we had to deliver. In the end, everyone was watching Saoirse, who, when I was admitted at 29w, they told me she weighed less than 1lb and seeing as how I'd "most likely deliver in 24 hours because of the contractions" she had a 50% chance of survival (and I was at a level III NICU), and it was MY body that made them decide to deliver the twins. I did have dexamethazone shots with the twins AND my son last year. When I had my amnio with the twins, they did it on Mikkel, not Saoirse, because girls' lungs mature faster, and even though she was smaller, she would have to work harder outside the womb, so her lungs would be mature. When my amnio came back that Mikkel's lungs were mature, I delivered hours later, and sure enough, Saoirse's were, too. You're in the home stretch now! I hope the next weeks go by smoothly for everyone. My thoughts and prayers go out across the miles to you!

Kelly, you're so new to all of this that trust me, you're going to find out that your mind is no longer your own; you can no longer control it, so don't even try I think denial and shock are coping mechanisms that get us through the early days. I honestly welcomed them, because before my mom died I kept trying to play it over and over in my head how I could possibly get through her death, wake and funeral. The answer was always the same: there was no WAY I could do it, I wouldn't go, and that was that. When the time came, I made it through, and even though I'm missing my mom more and more it seems as her memory gets further and further from me, I would not want to go back to those early days for ANYTHING. My twins are in preschool, and one of their classmates lost his 4 month old baby sister suddenly in February. I've become good friends with another mom, who incidentally had twins four years ago but lost one at four days old, and she told me that she told Jorie's mom what happened to her, and she reached out to hug and comfort HER. She said, "She's in shock, and she will be for a long time. She has no idea what she's even doing now." I don't mean to sound shallow, but in all honesty, I wanted to hear about other peoples' problems more than I wanted to discuss my own sometimes, because it made me feel a bit grounded, and it took my mind off of the fact that my mom was REALLY GONE, forever. `I've become friends with Jorie's mom since then, and I give her a card on the 20th of each month to let her know I'm thinking of her on the anniversary of Jorie's death, and she knows I care, but I am not family, so I told her that I will NOT talk to her about Jorie at school , because that might be the day that she got out of bed and felt like she was turning a corner, and then I pushed her back into her shell again. I have learned to "use" other people in ways I never imagined regarding my grief. My aunt has become and incredible source of strength for me, when a few years ago we weren't even speaking. I think you have to learn to settle into a role as a motherless daughter, and it's a big one that you don't want to take, but unfortunately, none of us have that choice. 15 months later, I am still wandering around like a lost puppy, trying to figure out how I'm going to make it on this earth without her, and I have not one single answer yet. It may sound passe, but there really is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have tremendous empathy and respect for every single person who has lost a loved one now. And I am realizing that while I was so wrapped up in my grief over losing my grandparents, my mom (shock of all shocks) lost her parents! And they were in their 80s, but it didn't mean she missed them any less. I have not gone through my mom's things yet. I'm still trying to get past the "Ok, Mom, when I come around this corner, be there, just this once" part. I'm trying to live my life as an orphan. I'm trying not to preach to friends who still have their moms and complain about them. And yep, I'm in shock/denial. And I kind of like it here for now. Prayers heading your way, Kelly. Remember we love you here, and will never EVER judge.

(((Lori))) You've been pretty quiet around here lately. I, too, wish that we all lived closer so we could lean on each other. It sucks that there are so many of us girls here who have lost our moms, and that we can only give virtual hugs. No one around me can really understand, because they all still have their moms. When my best friend complains about hers, all I can think is, "you just don't know how lucky you are..." My life has changes SO drastically in the fifteen + months that my mom has been gone, it just doesn't seem right that she isn't here with me to share the anxiety/pain/joy/milestones. I'm still trying to figure out how to live my life without her, and not succeeding very well, if I may say so. Please don't leave, Lori. I know you "get it," and I would hope that you need us as much as we need you because of that. I'm sorry it was a bad day. It's really hard to take care of other people on days like this when you can barely keep it together yourself, isn't it??

Don, your presence on this site has been a mainstay and we have all gotten such pleasure from getting to know you and Lucie. I thank you for all of the kindness and support you showed my mom and me through the years. I was VERY sorry to see that you wouldn't be coming to Chicago, because I wished so badly I could have come to TX last year and met you and I thought this would be my chance. I wish you happiness and joy in the future. You will be missed.

Ditto.

I am so very sorry you're facing this beast again. Both of my parents died of lung cancer: my father in 1999 and my mom last year. And, I gave birth to my son three weeks after my mom died. I wish with all my heart that none of this was happening to you. It's especially hard I think, to fight this beast when you've seen how it affected another family member. You and your dad are in my thoughts and prayers, and remember we are always here for you, whatever your needs may be.

Mary, I am so sorry. I prefer not to think that any of our loved ones actually "lost" the battle, because I'm sure they are now witnessing more happiness, beauty and peace than we could ever BEGIN to imagine. My thoughts are with you.

Oh, Kelly, I am so very sorry. What a wonderful lady

Kim, Been crying all day today here. I am one of those who starts to write about my own experience, too. I'm pretty sure, although I've never been called on it, that some people think, "gee, this isn't all about HER!" I just want them to know that I UNDERSTAND. Sometimes that doesn't come out too clearly, though. Another thing, people say to me, "I am so proud of you, you are doing so well, Erin." I want to know, what exactly does that mean? Because you see me at the store and I'm busy trying to pick out breakfast cereal, a seemingly menial task, and not breaking down crying about it? "doing well" to me means that I am moving on. You don't see me on days like today, when I do nothing but walk around crying. You don't know that I secretly feel like someone has blown a hole in me and there is no repairing it, and I like it that way. Because if I woke up tomorrow and didn't feel this pain, I'd feel even worse. And now that it has been fifteen months, if I tell you this, will you think I need to seek help because it's time I "MOVE ON?" Yep, I feel lost, too. It just doesn't seem natural to be surviving without my mom. I guess I never realized that they never cut the umbilical cord

I am just so sorry.

There is a TON of SPAM on the page of lit candles. Thank you!

Kelly, big ((((hugs)))) to you. I am so sorry I missed this on Wednesday. I simply had no idea. May God give your entire family peace, strength and courage during this time. It's a hard, hard thing. I wish none of us ever had to endure this pain.

Happy Mother's Day to every Mom and Grandma here.

You have every right to be scared/angry/frustrated/sad. Some days I wish we knew what life had in store for us, others I'm not so sure. I hope you are having a beautiful Mother's Day and perhaps giving your mind a rest for just a little while.

I couldn't agree more; Val is VERY mature and methodical in her decision-making. I don't think this has to do with her not wanting anyone else to be Carolyn and Baby Girl's grandma; it is more about the actual NAME "Grandma" being used, because Val's mom was Grandma. For instance, when my twins were born, it was my mom's first grandkids and Stu's mom already had five kids who called her "Grandma." My mom wanted to be called something different just to avoid confusion. She decided on "Grammie" (which I didn't like!) Eventually we just called her "grandma," too. But before the twins were born we had a discussion about it, and she said she couldn't be called "Nana," because that was HER mom, and everyone called her that. She said, "we all know there can only be one "Nana." I completely understand, Val. You're so torn about wanting to have a grandma in Carolyn and Baby Girl's life and at the same time, sad that your mom can't be a part of it. How it's possible that we are surviving and having babies after our moms are gone, I can't understand. They SHOULD be here. It's just not fair. It's not right. You know this already in your heart...she can be Gram, Grammie, Nana, Nonna...just not Grandma. And I am sorry I haven't emailed you back. I am trying very very hard to drum up the courage to talk about this. But I am doing okay. Thanks for thinking of me. And I still wish with all my heart that I could be there with you, but I'm SO glad Andy will be after all.

Congrats, Aaron, and my best wishes to you and Julia for many, many years of marital bliss

I am so sorry. I lost my mom on February 8 last year. I swear to you that I feel as though I am wandering this earth lost, wondering how it is that I survive after her death. But...that being said...I am "comfortable" with this grief I feel. I think at this point if I didn't have it I'd feel even more pain. And also, I honestly feel my mom's presence ALL the time, as if she has wrapped herself around me and protects me. She lived with us (my husband and our kids) and I am an only child. I always wished for a sibling, but now that she's gone I realize why it had to be the way it was. People entered our life and left, and it was just her and me when I was born, and at the core of it, her and me when she died. This place can be of great comfort for you in these early days. No one should have any expectations of you now, and you shouldn't have any of yourself either. You're not feeling sorry for yourself; you're COPING. Thinking of you.

Kelly, I am so sorry to hear this! But from everything I know about your mom, she is a fighter with great spirit and spunk, and she will persevere. I do have to tell you that my mom was on the Taxol/Carboplatin combo and she did GREAT; in fact, it was THE thing that made her primary tumor disappear. And remember, my mom was on dialysis three days a week, 2.5 hours per day with just 17% kidney function. It did NOT affect her kidney function at all. Once a month she would get admitted for her chemo. Her schedule was as follows: Monday, Taxol, Tuesday Taxol/Carbo, then dialysis, and Wednesday Taxol. She usually got sick on Thursday and was fine the rest of the month. I do realize your mom isn't on dialysis so this makes a big difference, but the key is that the Taxol/Carbo didn't make her lose and more kidney function; she had an option of other chemos which she was warned WOULD make her lose the 17% she did have. I am thinking of your mom, and cheering for her on the sidelines.

Thanks, Val, for everything. You have really become one of my best "cyberfriends." Your support means so much to me!