missyk

hahaha...and mom tells me when there's something i should see if i don't find it myself!! here i am! Bunny, Like you, i spent all of my time searching for "something" that i wasn't sure of. I still have days like that; i think we all do, the ones with cancer and their families. I have gone thru feeling happy for the support i've recieved from my friend to help me deal, to wishing they'd all go away and leave me alone, back to grateful for their strength. I've never felt closer to "God" or farther away. (like you, i have lots of God, just not alot of "religion") I'm 30 years old and terrified of losing my mom...i'm terrified of my daughter, who's 6, not having her "goldplated grandma" AND of her knowing what grandma is going through. All of these things pass through our minds daily...hourly...even every minute! They go thru the minds of those dealing directly with it, too. I was scared, at first, to admit to Mom how scared i was. I didn't want to hurt her MORE by being scared for her and for what life would be like if she weren't here. I knew that every time we mentioned "future" she felt a pang (and probably still does!). But i finally talked to her about it, and found out that she's still "Mom" just as she was before the diagnosis. Still able to listen to me and my concerns and share her own with me. It has unburdened my mind a little bit. I'm sorry to hear that you're all having to go through this! I wish to God there was never another diagnosis of this da**ed disease!! I'm glad you found this site though...there are catagories for family members/caregivers and for NSCLC. Those are generally where i post. Prayers for you to get to post under "good news"...and there is a "test time/result time" to keep everyone up to date. I've not found more understanding, loving people than i have on here! Welcome to our family!!!

Prayers being said for you and Mike!!!

Thanks all for the support! Wow, i really blew up there! I apologize if my "you don't understand" comment upset anyone...just how i was feeling at the time...that there was NO ONE who could understand that. I DO believe that God is with me always, as He is with all of us, don't get me wrong. And when things get really bad, i run to His side to be comforted. But sometimes i just get mad. And i get sad. And i get frustrated that there is nothing i can do other than sit here and be a bystander. Again, thanks to all of you for your love, support, and especailly your prayers!

I feel terrible, knowing mom will probably read this, and that it will make her cry...but i'm having one of those days where i just have a hard time dealing. I've been weepy most of the day...just can't get it off my mind! I'm so worried about her and i know she doesn't want us to worry...but we will anyway. I know there is nothing i can do but rely on the Lord in this situation...but right now He seems so far off and so out of reach!!! How can someone so loving throw my dear Mom into this again??? She's done her time, i thought!!! She beat the "beastie" back 15 years ago!!! Back when it was cancer of the cervix...and never looked back!!! We thought she'd served her "time" in cancer hell??? Don't ya think when 6 of 8 had/had some kind of cancer (two are dead, one other than my mom is diagnosed as terminal, two years ago of thyroid cancer) it would be enough??? I'm sick and tired of hearing "statistics" and how bad of a chance she has!!!! I know my mom!!! I know that if it all goes to s**t it will be ok, cause she tried, she fought, she WON!!! Even if it all goes to s**t, she won!! You all don't understand, really, what it's takin for her to fight. She is allergic to almost every major (and minor) pain killer there is. She's doing this (radiation AND chemo at the same time!) without pain killers for the pain associated with the esophogeal problems (IF they do, and i pray they don't...she's only going on the 5th round of radiation and second of chemo)!!! I've not seen anyone on here who's not been able to take pain killers...so if there is one, i'd be SO happy to hear from you!!! To know that it can be done with "mind over matter"!! That's what scares me the most...pain, because i know there's little they can do for it. She's gettin a lidocaine/maylox mixture to ease the pain of the esophogeal problems that will come with it...but i still can't imagine the hurt that comes with it!! Sorry it's been so long...just needed to blow off steam, i guess, and i know most of you can understand! Thank God for that!!!

*Giggles* If i weren't married, i'd let ya sick or not! Thinks the cello is a great idea! but i've always been one to annoy someone when i'm not feeling well...Mom just LOVED that when i was younger! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA at the nurse! Oh MAN! That woulda been great! Can't wait to hear more (and maybe see a few as i visit with Mom during some sessions) Congratulations on the incredible shrinking tumor! And hopes you get good news ( well, as good as it can be) about the liver. Prayers and hugssssssssss

Just had to let you all know...they went to the first OB appointment and were told that the expected due date will be on MOM'S BIRTHDAY!!! Wow! And Congratulations, Heidi! So happy to hear of your pregancy as well!

I don't know for sure...and i'd be apt to listen to the dr. before me for sure (LOL) but i CAN tell you that for quite a while Mom had been getting broken blood vessels in her eyes that would leave a patch about the size of a pencil eraser in the corner usually. We still don't know that the brain met had anything to do with it at all...just another story. Like i said, Dr. (usually) knows best...i believe in "follow your gut". Hopes it goes away soon...Mom said hers used to itch as they healed!

Sorry to here of the discomfort your partner's in...and hoping and praying that the radiation gives some relief!! Oh,how fun!!! Sea World sounds like so much fun!!! Enjoy!

Hi All!!! Mom got a call last night that raised her spirits through the roof!!! My brother and his girlfriend are expecting!!!!! WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!! The youngest of "the grandkids" is three, so it's been time for one of the three of us kids to have another (so Mom says) and myself and husband had decided a while ago it wouldn't be us!! Our little girl is 6 and we really aren't into going BACK to diapers now that she's going into 1st grade. Had been telling my brother to get on the ball since he has an adopted son, but is the only of we three to not have a biological child. That mixed with them WANTING one together just made this terrific news!! Due date is December!! What a wonderful Christmas present this child will be!! Continued prayers for all

Dartagnan...*smiles* at the old fart reference! Has called my mom that so many times, especially lately as we were wondering what was wrong with her!! Now that we know...well, we blame alot of things (with laughter) on the brain tumor or the primary tumor. We laugh about the fact she'll lose her hair (she always threatened to shave her head each summer anyway!!!). We've told "the grandkids" that they can rub grandma's bald head for good luck!! In my family, if you can't laugh, you're already done for...so it made me feel good to see you crack a couple of jokes! I'm only 30 myself and i know it's not ME going through this...but i'm lucky to have my mom very close in proximity to me so that i can be part of her fight against the beastie! Please know that we're all sending prayers and love out for you to beat this thing!! Neonatalogist, huh?? Wow! What hard and rewarding work!!! Here's to health and gettin you back to those babies!!!!

Welcome Dart... I too am only here in a caregiver/family role as you can see, and we've only just begun...but i can assure you, you found a WONDERFUL place to come to!!!

Ordered online...got my bracelets and shirt very quickly!!! SO easy and i'm so happy to be able to give them to Mom, my brother, my sister, and one for my daughter to help show our support of her and of research for this beastie!! Thanks!!!

Wendy- Please accept deepest sympathies from our family to yours. You all will be in our thoughts and prayers

Just have to say, as one of the newbies....i can't imagine finding somewhere else where we're so welcomed and feel so safe to feel however we feel that day...good and bad! Thanks again, all of you, for taking us all in and holding us close when we need some care, making us laugh when we need that, and crying with us when we need that, too.

Mary I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daddy. Prays you and your family find the peace he now has and know we're all still sending warm, loving thoughts to you all.

Mom's having a bit of a down day and posted on the end of her other posting....thought i'd bring it up here where ppl can find it! Love you mom! No matter what! Missy I am so happy to have all of you here. I have had one day so far.. For some reason I can't keep my spirits up.( I haven't even started treatments ) I want to throw in the towel and say forget it, let nature take it's course. Then I see how long and hard you all have fought. I just hope and pray that I have the fortitude that you all have. I appreciate all the encouragement that I get here. I have to appologize for sounding like such a whimp. I don't know what I'd do without all the support I'm getting from my family and friends so far. I guess I'll hang in there and try to not be such a boob. My wonderfull daughter Missyk has been such a help so far. Tell me, our family's won't wear out too fast . I sure hope not. You know I feel better already - THANKS SUE mother of missyk

Fairly new here, but wanted to send our love and prayers to you, too! I know, for me, sometimes it's hard to get hopes up only to feel like they're dashed when things look the brightest...hold on for the next day and then the next, etc. I've found that the GREAT things come when you're feeling down in the dumps. Many many prayers and tons of love!!!

Feels strange to put this under "good news" but it seems it to us, so i'm sharing! Mom went for the stealth MRI in preparation for the SRS today and it was confirmed that there is only ONE brain met!!! Guess we've definately gotten to the point where small things get us very excited, but i'm bout ready to jump outta my skin with excitement over this! Thanks again, you guys for all you do! You have no idea how helpful this site and all of you have been to us so far! We're learning more and more every day and that gives us the ability to be more proactive in Mom's care...and that feels good!

My wonderful husband gave me a slip of paper today and told me to read it. I figured it was a note of encouragement. What i found was a piece of poetry he'd written while at work today. I cried as i read it, knowing that we'd all just fortified ourselves for our own "battle"...then sent it to Mom so she could see how much her son-in-law thinks of her, too. She asked me, after reading it, if i would post it on here for everyone to read. Here it is. As the day fades from gray to black And the army of death renews it's attack We march relentlessly against the foe But some stumble, fall, and rise no more. When the smoke clears and the day is anew We tally up the score from the night before To see how many souls were sent to Heaven's door. We scream "The toll was too high!" "That many souls shouldn't have to die!" But just like the night before We march to meet death toe to toe. Because, to stop means we are already dead But we put that pain out of our heads. For we don't want to see the pearly gates We just want to make death wait. Wait just as long as we can for us To stumble and fall, and rise no more.

Mom- I'm gonna cry while i write this and i am SO tired of crying already...but i expect there will be many more tears to come...praying more good ones than bad. We're so new to this and i haven't quite gotten down exactly where to "place it"...in my "deal with it" area, i'm guessing! lol But there are times i want to censor what i say to you...afraid i'll say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing. But mostly i (and the other three) want to help you any way we can. That is why i kept at you about this site and the wonderful people i'd found on here. I've never felt comfort from a computer screen...i found it here and i wanted that for you. There is nothing that you face that we won't face as one united team of pains in the butt!! And when ya just need to laugh again...I'll buy the tickets to the comedy club this time!! Love you so much Mom, and welcome to this wonderful place full of hope!!

Thank you all for your wonderful welcome...i feel so safe here already. I guess i feel so small and insignificant right now, and, i told Mom, i feel SO young and helpless as we were talking about her cancer. I'm the baby in the family (and spoiled rotten hahaha) and the "issues" in life, Mom and my sister and brother and i have always faced as one united front...this is no different. We assured her we're in for the long haul. She's been getting a little bit of good news here and there...mostly to just NOT listen to statistics...that there is always hope. As she becomes a little more comfortable (? doubt that actually happens, i don't know how to say it, i guess) with her diagnosis, i'm hoping to get her to come here, too. It is so comforting to me!!!! Thanks again and yes, i did find and post on the sclc board already...feels like i have a TON of questions and yet none at all.

it is extensive sclc...and thanks so much for your repsonses, already emailed her the list that you put up She's a list-maker anyway, so that was great for her! Thanks again, ~~The Beastie Never Wins~~ ~~Fortes Fortuna Juvat...Fortune Favors the Brave~~

Now that the shock of the dx and prog. they gave mom have worn off, i'm ready to help her fight this beastie with everything we can. So, i'll give a little more information about what we know in hopes someone else has traveled this road before (i'm sure there are plenty) She had a cold this past winter (as did we all) that resolved completely; then the cough came back. She was told that her heart function was bad, but they couldn't find a cause. They told her she had COPD. Treated all of it, and the cough just got worse and worse. She asked for a chest x-ray...and i think she knew what they would find. Biopsy results came back as small cell adenocarcinoma on May 13th...which just happened to also be her and my stepfather's 19th wedding anniversary. We had prepared ourselves for that, but not for what has come after. They did a PET on May 17th and her cancer was staged at IV with mets to nodes and brain. Praise God! there are no mets anywhere else. My question, i guess, is WHY are they telling her that basically they can't DO anything? They're beginning radiation today (the 18th) on the tumor in the brain...and she said she "thinks" they're planning on starting chemo in two weeks. Is there anything i need to have her ask about? Or do i let them just treat her as they see fit? We feel so lost about this as it's completely new territory. Her cervical cancer all those years ago (amazingly) was treated ONLY with radiation. Plus, she's a little worried about the effects of the radiation on her cognitive ability...anyone have any idea what it's going to be like. We're dealing with the opposite end of the body we did last time! I told her i've been reading here and that i got a kick out of the "empty headed club"...prays she'll be there with you all!! Thanks for the warm welcome!! I'm sure i'll have lots of questions as we progress thru this. ~~The Beastie Never Wins~~ ~~Fortes Fortuna Juvat...Fortune Favors the Brave~~

Hi all, and honestly, i wish i wasn't here. My mom (55) just got the dx of SCLC and already it's not looking good. Tumor in the left upper lobe, mets to many, many nodes in the chest, and brain met. They're telling her 4 months if no treatment, up to a year if treated aggressively. She starts radiation tomorrow. Unfortunately, this is her second time with a form of cancer. Almost 20 years ago she fought and won a battle with cervical cancer when they gave her less than a 15% chance of living past 5 years. I can only pray she might somehow beat the odds again...but i'm not optimistic. Thanks for being here, all of you. It's nice to know i'm not alone.