Carleen

Cindy the poem is so appropriate and true. I understand what you are saying 100%. I am so sick of the things people are telling me to comfort me. Don't they understand that none of it brings me comfort? I've had people tell me that I was lucky to have such a great love and wonderful memories. Hell, I'd trade every last one of those memories for the opportunity to make new ones with Keith. I HATE people telling me he is no longer in pain. I'm in pain!!! People keep saying that Keith would want me to go on and be happy. NO!! Keith would want to be with me. I tried to tell one of my closest friends yesterday that I missed Keith so much that it was unbearable pain. He responded with I understand what you are feeling I hurt too, I miss him too. What the HELL!!! He doesn't understand!!! And I am so sick of people asking my how I'm doing or whether I'm ok. How do they think I'm doing. I want to wear a sign that says I'm doing Sh!tty, thank you for asking. Worse yet I had a friend tell me the other day that "it will get better soon, you're a beautiful woman you'll find someone else real soon." I thought I was going to throw up.

Wonderful News Joanie! I'm very happy for you.

So sorry Melinda for the crappy news. I hope the new chemo plan restores her to her former relationship with NED.

I'm so sorry Lori. I remember too well that painfully quiet and scared look. Keith used to get that way all the time after bad news. He usually only let it get him down for one day though. Then he would be ready to tackle and conquer it. "what do I need to do to take care of this, and lets do it now". Bone mets do seem to be treated well and maintained well with radiation. Possibly remind your mom of other success stories of those surviving long term with bone mets like our Lucie Wood. Also, ask her onc about Zometa to strengthen her bones and keep future mets from forming. Much love Carleen

(((Peggy))) I've got no words just I love you.

My pastor played this song for me last night, and it seemed like something I might have wrote. Although I'm not quite to the point yet where I see any possible beauty from my pain, the rest of it speaks to me. I've uploaded it to the web and included a link if you want to listen to it. Otherwise I've also posted the lyrics. http://www.esnips.com/doc/e71dae2a-b6e4-4434-aba1-ccb5eb056af1/Beauty-From-Pain.wma?null The lights go out all around me One last candle to keep out the night And then the darkness surrounds me I know I'm alive But I feel like I've died And all that's left is to accept that it's over My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made I try to keep warm but I just grow colder I feel like I'm slipping away (Chorus) After all this has passed I still will remain After I've cried my last There'll be beauty from pain Though it won't be today Someday I'll hope again And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory I wonder why God let me walk through this place And though I can't understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday And see how you've brought beauty from ashes And made me as gold purified through these flames (Chorus) Here I am at the end of me (at the end of me) Trying to hold to what I can't see I forgot how to hope This night's been so long I cling to your promise there will be a dawn (Chorus)

Hello everyone, Sorry to cause so much worry. I am trying so hard to make it through this one day at a time. It is so hard though. Everywhere I turn I am reminded of something I did with Keith, or that we talked about doing, or just basically I see him everywhere around me and it hurts so bad. My home is filled with his things which is so painful to know he will never use again, but I can't bare to get rid of anything or even pack it away. When I wake up I see his side of the bed still tidy and I realize he didn't sleep in it, I become aware that I didn't wake up to gentle kisses, and no one is there to tell me good morning and that I look beautiful as I lay there all nasty in the morning. I've had to go back to work because they called me on Friday and told me they needed me back this past Monday. It has been so hard. Keith always called me at least twice a day or sent me e-mails throughout the day to tell me he was thinking of me, loved me, and was thankful for me. As I would leave work, I would have me cell phone out before I was even out of the parking lot and we would talk all the way home. He was so much in every part of my life. I miss him so much. I keep looking for something, anything that is a sign that he is still with me, and there is nothing. I haven't dreamt since he left me, and I just so badly want to see his face and his warm loving eyes. This morning right before I woke up I thought I heard someone say "I can't believe how beautiful you are" which is something Keith would have said to me, and I woke up with a start thinking it was all a bad dream but there as only silence and I realized I only imagined it. I cried so hard at the fresh injury. I have had various family and friends coming over, and really haven't had more than 1 or 2 evenings alone. My mom has stayed a few nights but isn't able to be there all the time. There has been a friend of Keith's that has stayed almost every night, mostly because his apartment has been out of power and he is looking for someplace else to stay, but also to be supportive. Everyone is pushing me constantly and offering so much advice that I am just so overwhelmed. People want to help, but they talk so much about my selling the house, taking in Mike as a roomate, selling Keith's car, etc.. etc... So much has changed so fast and all I want is to go back to when things were normal and steady and wonderful. Keith really took care of me and I never had any worries. Now without him I am losing everything. I'm losing our home, I've lost our baby, I'm losing my sanity, I can't keep his car which he loved so much. Even with a roomate, he can't afford to pay rent enough to keep me there. I just can't seem to manage anything without Keith. I don't want to manage anything without him. I love him so much and I just want to be with him. I know that scares most people, how much I just want to be with Keith. Yesterday my sister tricked me into going to our church to supposedly talk to someone about financial resources available. Instead it was a suicide intervention and grief counseling meeting. I've told my family that I made Keith a promise and love him enough to not dishonor it and him. I am trying with all my might not to give into any wish to harm myself. At the same time, they don't understand why I am not taking extra measures to stay here if God were to have a plan to take me, why I won't wear a seat belt or go to doctor's appointments. I really do have nothing here to live for. And now I have to meet with a pastor every day for counseling which I barely feel strong enough for at this time. Everything is just going so fast, and I just want to stop time for a while. Why do people think I should be feeling better already, it's only been 13 days? If anything I feel worse each day that passes as I miss him more and more and feel more seperated and alone even when I'm surrounded by people. I'm doing the best I can. I'm still here living and breathing even though I am now less than half a person. I have come here and read a few times and it has brought me some distraction. I haven't posted much because I'm just too debilitated, I am so far removed from the person I used to be and in too much pain to know how to respond to people. I know you all understand and care, and it does help knowing that. I continue to think of you all and wish no one else ever have to feel like this.

With each of his chemos, Keith always felt the worse the second day. He would have what he described as flu or hangover type feelings, but no serious nausea. Days 2 & 3 where when he needed the most of my help just because he felt crappy and wouldn't necessarily feel like getting up to eat or drink so those days I made sure he was provided for. However, the fatigue always hit him the most after about 7-10 days when his blood counts would start dropping. He would take more naps, but really he felt ok to get up and about and move around.

I just don't know why I'm being tortured so much. I just got a call from my doctor, and according to the blood work I've lost the baby. I don't have my Keith anymore, I don't have his child, I don't have anything left in this life to live for. I know I promised my Keith I'd never do anything to hurt myself, and I am trying hard not to. But it is so hard right now. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. Why does there have to be so much pain? I look forward in every conceivable scenario, and all I see is pain, misery, unhappiness, loneliness, loss of more loved ones, emptiness, and fear. I just want my Keith back, I just want to be with him again. I need him so much. He would have made lossing the baby ok or at least been able to comfort me, now there is nothing and no one.

It's been a little over a week now since I lost my Keith. I did all those things I was supposed to do, and it was terrible. Keith was so loved by so many that there were over 200 people who attended his wake and funeral, 70+ cars in his procession. He really was a great man and wonderful friend to so many. I arrived early for a private goodbye, and it made me ill to see him. It didn't look anything like the man I loved and adored for the past 12 years. All that make-up, the matted down eyelashes and eyebrows, the fake tan it was nauseating. Once people started coming, everyone kept directing me to sit on a couch right in front of the casket. It hurt so much seeing him there knowing he wasn't really there. Everytime I tried to get up, even to go to the bathroom someone from my family or his family would pounce and remind me that so and so or this person and that person really wanted to talk to me so I needed to go up front. Hell, can't a girl Pee. If they wanted to see me, why don't they come find me. It was like I was the 3 headed pig at the county fair freak show. "Hear Ye Hear Ye Come one Come all, see the amazing grieving widow sitting at her dead husband's side. Squeeze her, pull her hair slobber on her face... you won't believe your eyes. See her pain marvel at her agony. Isn't it amazing." Most of these people I didn't even know and they didn't even bother to introduce themselves like I'm suppose to remember some distant relative I met once 10 years ago. It was the longest evening of my life. The funeral had a beautiful service, but all I could think and feel was that this was finality. No longer would I ever see his face, or get a chance to memorize every freckle and every laugh line. After all the funeral events ended things started to slow down. visitors became more spaced out until this moment where I am alone for the first time. Wednesday I found out I am pregnant. Although I want more than anything in the world to have some piece of him to have and hold, I find I can't feel any joy. I feel unable to hope for anything. I can't pray for anything because I just don't trust it anymore. And it appears I feel these things for good reason. As of Friday my hormones started dropping and the doctors think I may be losing the baby. I'll find out more on Tuesday whether I am losing it for sure, or if there were 2 and I'm just losing 1. I just can't think optimistically anymore. I think God hates me. I think he is too cruel to ever let me be happy again at any point in my life. I just feel certain I will never have joy again, there is just too much pain. I've already had to go to another hospital and funeral since my husband's. My aunt died of cancer the day of Keith's funeral. Her funeral was yesterday. It was like having salt rubbed in my already festering wounds. How much does God expect me to take? I only made it through the mass and couldn't bear to do the rest of the ceremonies. I almost felt guilty because I couldn't really feel grief for my aunt. I was just in too much pain from my loss to feel any more pain for her. I don't know what I am suppose to do now. I don't know what I am doing, how I am going to make it without him. I am so scared, I am so alone, I am so unhappy. I don't think I can survive this. My heart hurts so much, my mind has turned to mush and I just can't even take care of myself in the smallest ways. Financially I am destitute and can't even begin to image how I'm going to pay the funeral bill when it comes. But I can't seem to care. I really don't care what happens to me. I really wish I would just drop dead from my broken heart and then I could be with Keith again. Someone please tell me what to do. What do I do with myself now? How do you get through this?

Fleury, Bernadette J. (Nee Goodpastuer) July 3, 2006, age 58 years. Beloved wife of Kenneth Sr. Loving mother of Catherine (Christopher Sr.) Jankowski, Kenneth Jr. "Cannonball" (Jaime) and Denise (Terry) Blessing. Dear grandmother of Kattie, Samantha, Christian, Christopher Jr., Kenny III and Caitlynn. Cousin of Hubert Ford. Further survived by many other relatives and friends. Member of the VFW Auxiliary 1912. Mass of Christian Burial will be held Friday at 10:30AM at St. Rita Church, S. 60th and W. Lincoln Ave. Visitation Friday at the church, 9:30AM until time of Mass. Interment Southern Wisconsin Veterans Cemetery - Union Grove. SCHAFF FUNERAL HOME 5920 W. Lincoln Ave. 414-541-7533

Linda I am so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. My deepest sympathies.

thank you .

Judy, I am so sorry for you and the loss of your love. I feel every word you wrote. I feel the exact same way. My true love left me Thursday June 29th. I did not want him to go, he did not want to go. He was in pain, but still I begged God to leave him with me. For the last couple of hours as he fitfully slept he kept repeating uh uh with every breath; like he was saying no. His family and I thought an angel was there to take him to heaven and he was saying no, I don't want to go. I am alone, and life has lost all meaning and looking forward I see only pain and emptiness. It is too much to bear. Words are empty and hollow, and I know you are in pain and I just wanted you to know that I understand it too. You are not alone, we cry together.

Hi Tiff's Mom, I am so sorry about your daugther. It is just so wrong and so unfair when this happens to anyone, and especially someone so young. My husband was diagnosed at 31, with mets already in his lymph nodes and liver; stage IV. He too was the youngest patient with his cancer type ever seen at any of the hospitals we visited, which there were 6 of them including the Mayo Clinic. He had a very rare and aggressive fast growing cancer and was given 9 months to live. He survived for 3 years 3 months and 7 days. I wish with all my heart I could give you words of optimism and encouragement, but I am too close to my pain right now. So, I will just tell you how important it is to never give up, research research research, try all the doctors and special centers available and find that one treatment that works like magic for her. I will be praying for your daughter and for you. Carleen

That's the exact same poem I used in Keith's Memorial cards for his Wake. It seemed so appropriate.

My Precious Keith Alan Kubesch, joy of my life, reason for being and light of my existence has passed away Thursday June 29th 9:45 AM at the age of 34. We had just made it home from the hospital the afternoon before, and hospice was schedule to come in at 11AM Thursday morning. They didn't make it on time. Around him were his mother, father, grandmother, uncle, best friend, my sister, and me. He was breathing heavily and sort of articulating as he breathed, and we said a prayer over him and he quieted down during the prayer. I thought it was a sign that God was comforting him that he was calmer as we prayed. After the prayer ended I opened my eyes to see him take a deep breath then he opened his eyes wide and never breathed again. It wasn't God bring him the comfort the way I thought, it was God taking him away from me. I can't post much more about it now because the pain is too great. I am swathed in darkness, every breath I draw is agony and there is no escape. Everywhere I turn I see bits of him and am reminded I will never see him again. I hate being home, but I don't know if I can go elsewhere. I just don't know what t do. Even coming on the computer I log in under a Keith Kubesch account. I am willing my heart to stop beating because every heart beat is accompanied by a knife wound in my chest, but it continues. I want my Keith back, I want to go to him, I don't care... I just want to be with him again to put my arms around him and feel his warm kisses again. I will never be loved so greatly again. I have truly lost.

Thank you everyone for all your thoughts and prayers. This past weekend I did pretty good at obeying the complete bedrest thing, but was really looking forward to getting up and about and going back to work yesterday. I still have lots of lifting and bending restrictions, but at least I could walk around. But, all that changed Sunday night when I had to pick Keith up from off the floor. Roughly around 11 PM Keith woke up with just agonizing pain in this swollen arm and shoulder. He has been so weak the whole weekend, and was complaining about occassional pain, but this was constant. He was also sort of confused. I didn't know if it was from waking up, or taking more pain medications, but he just wasn't understanding what I was saying and couldn't really communicate what he meant to me which really was frustrating to him, but he stayed so sweet about it. I woke up to find him lying naked on the floor moaning in pain. When I got up to help, he told me he was looking for his pillow. I got him his pillow which he uses to elevate his swollen arm which was on the floor thinking he must have crawled down to get it and he said no, he wanted the bathroom, where was the bathroom. I pointed out that we were right next to the bathroom door and I helped him to get back to sitting on the bed. He kept going no, where's the bathroom. After saying that 2 times he finally said bath robe. He wanted his robe so he could go downstairs because he couldn't get comfortable in bed. I got him dressed and helped him in the long process of going down stairs and getting him set in his recliner. He took some more oxycodone and started to doze off, but after only 30 minutes he woke up and forgot we had just come down, he said "it's time for us to go to bed" and had me help him back upstairs, which takes about a half hour to do. After 2 hours, he decided he wanted to go back downstairs and I help carry him and his pills and water glass and blanket back downstairs. He continued to writh in agony all night long, refusing to go into the hospital or even to take more pain medication. He did finally fall asleep around 6-6:30AM on the couch and woke up around 8. He was much more alert this time and we talked about the pain and he agreed to go into the ER. So, Keith is right now admitted at Froedtert Hospital. They have given him a pain pump, which has made him comfortable, but he is pretty much sleeping 24 hours straight. He still seems to have anxiety or something at night because all night long every hour he kept wanting to get out of bed and sit in a chair because he was uncomfortable, just to spend 5 minutes in the chair and want to get back into bed. The process and effort it takes to get him in and out of bed is great, so I just don't understand why he keeps doing it. He can no longer lift his right arm. He can stand, but struggles to do so, and can only take a couple of steps before having to sit down. He still seems a bit confused but it could be from the heavy medication. It just all seems so unreal. Just last week Tuesday he took me to the fertility clinic, he drove and walked all the way through the parking lot, and all the way through the hospital. He took care of me when we got home. Now, just one week later and he is almost completely vegatative. Keith's doctor says that from the rapid progress, plus some signs he sees (some prtecial hemmoraging), and just his general state, if he had to be honest he would guess at only a couple more weeks. (And this is coming from a guy who never would tell us a prognosis or stop fighting for Keith). He told me this privately, not in front of Keith. He told me this because he said Keith is so weak now that he doesn't feel I can care for him alone anymore. He said he thinks Keith would benefit from a PCI pump for pain at home, and that would come from hospice. He feels Keith will not be able to be mobile even as limited as he is for much more than a few days as his muscles are so wasted and his body isn't taking in nutrients anymore (liver functions look bad). He will not release Keith from the hospital unless he is released with arranged hospice care. So, it looks like there is no opportunity to go to Cedar Sinai. It is too late. Keith is going on hospice. The end is coming and my love is dying. My life is ending and I will never be ok again. We have always lived our lives telling each other every day how much each other means to us, and how grateful and appreciative we are that God gave us the gift of each other. So he knows exactly everything I think and feel for him. And I know exactly how greatly he loves me. Now I have to figure out how to say goodbye to that magnificent man, and to live without ever being loved so strongly and deeply ever again.

Linda, I don't have much to add. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Please know I am thinking of you and praying for your mom and for you. BIG HUG!!!

Dani it sounds like you are doing great, and with your drive and strong will I know you will climb Half Dome. It is truly amazing your recovery and determination to push beyond pain and limitations. And after this cancer journey, these accomplishments will taste sweeter and mean more. Heck, even the small daily tasks like housework will no longer be a chore but an accomplishment that many people don't recognize. You ROCK!!!

Hi Danni, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis but very glad they were able to remove it. My husand also has a carcinoid cancer, very rare. Unfortunately he has a atypical carcinoid which is rapid growing, and was already in his lymph nodes and liver when diagnosed. Surgery was not an option. He was 31, and very healthy and active when diagnosed. Please be patient with your husband as Don and Snowflake have mentioned. I am the wife/caregiver of a cancer patient, and I can tell you only from my point of view. I know how hard this diagnosis was for you, but it was also hard for him. He is scared, and is fearful of losing you. He now sees your mortality and frailty as a person and all he wants to do is help you, make things easier for you, keep you safe to recover. What has worked for me, is when my husband explains to me that he needs to do certain things so he can rebuild his strength. I know I smother him and overprotect him. It is just that I love him so much. Your husband is obviously the same. I wish you the best in your recovery, and will keep you in my prayers.

Broken hearts can be mended, but when they do they they're never as good as new.

I am so very sorry for the loss of you mother, and Bill for the loss of your dear wife. I pray that God wrap you in his warm and loving embrace and grant you comfort and peace. I know this hurts terribly and that there is nothing I can do or say that will ease this pain. But know we are thinking of you and praying for you. We love you and thank you for sharing with us.

Ok, both suck, but at least with diahhrea I can convince myself that I am somehow contributing to my diet and may actually lose a pound or two. What's worse 100+ degree weather with high humidity or 20 degrees below zero (Here in WI we get both)

Oh Deb, thats a no brainer for me. I'd rather have my parents get a divorce, and to do something to make their futures better than to have my child essentially limit his future. Divorce is terrible, and I'd never want it to happen, but I also wouldn't want my parents who I love to waste precious time and years unhappy and miserable if there is the possibility that they can find happiness elsewhere. But without an education, a child is really setting up a future where they will have to work twice as hard to achieve less money, security, respect, and credibility. What a grim prospect when all you'd want for everyone you love is to be happy and have the best of everything. Ok, What's worse realizing you have really bad B.O. when you are out in a crowded situation and can't leave or or to be stuck with someone that you can't leave who has really bad B.O.