peebygeeby

Hi Janette, I understand your confusion. They say doctors are practicing medicine for a reason, they're practicing!!!! Just kidding. But I do think that in many cases it is largely a matter of guesswork. Unfortunately, with diseases like cancer, parkinson's disease and many other serious diseases they just don't have things down to an exact science at this point. We would all love for this not to be the case, and maybe someday it will be an exact science, but for now, we have to rely on those that are the most educated hoping that that education will provide more accurate guesses. My best to you and Mark, Gail

Hi everybody, I'm back. Doing good sometimes, not so good other times, but I'm keeping busy which helps alot, and I know it's just going to take time. Hank never made it home to hospice care. I was trying to arrange it the morning he died. I know he wanted to come home to die, but we never really realized where we were in this battle until it was to late. It is my only regret in this entire ordeal. I wish he had made it home. I don't blame myself. I did'nt know. But it's really bothering me. I spoke to him on the phone the night before he died. We said our usual I love yous. I think throughout our lives we never know when our last goodbyes or I love yous will be. I can be any day, any time. We just don't know. So, Hank and I never had the end of life talks. But, throughout our time together we both knew what our feelings about each other were. I knew he loved me, he knew I loved him. It did not have to be said on a death bed. When we had the funeral service for Hank his sister asked me if I would go view his remains with her. I told her no. I had already said goodbye. I need to remember him alive and healthy. Take care guys, Gail

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with your Mom. I'm no expert, but it sounds like maybe some sort of an anti-depressant might be in order for your Mom. Ask the doc about this. Even if nothing more can be done in terms of treating the disease, it's very important to keep your Mom's mental attitude in as good a shape as possible. Wishing you all the best, Gail

Hi there, You are very fortunate that the nodules that were found are being dealt with at this early stage. In 2002, Hank needed bypass surgery. A nodule was seen at that time in his X-rays, but the doctors seemed unconcerned about it, and we were never told to address it or follow it up in anyway. Had we done that, he might still be here. I wish you success and all the best in dealing with this situation. Gail

Hi everybody, Hav'nt been posting lately, I've been trying to get my head around what has happened, and am slowly starting to feel a little better since Hank passed away. I realize it's a process and it's going to take time. It's just so weird not having him here. I guess the hardest thing that I'm going to have to deal with is being lonely. My friend Holli from Florida has been here since Hank passed away, but she'll be leaving on Tuesday. The good news is that she has purchased a house a few blocks from mine, and she'll be moving up here in a month or so. It's really great news! Holli is my best friend from high school and has been living in Florida for 20 years or so. It's going to be great having her around again. But, I realize that I'm going to have to rebuild my own life now. I have been searching for grief support groups in my area. It may be a good way to find some new people that I can relate to. As I told you in prior posts. Hank has been my life for the past 22 years. No family, no friends close by, so I have to construct a new life somehow. It seems so daunting, and I almost don't believe that it will be possible, but I know I have to move forward and try. All the best, Gail

GREAT NEWS Bruce, Keep it coming!

Thank you all for your kind responses. I'm doing OK. Sad, stunned, all that, but OK. My best friend Holli has come up from Florida to be with me. Hank's memorial service will be on Sunday, and we have designed it to be a celebration of him and his life. Not some morbid occasion. Even so, I know it will be very hard, but with the support of friends it'll be OK. Thanx again guys, Gail

Hi everybody, Hank passed away in the hospital this morning. My only regret is that we were unable to get him home. We were in the process of arranging that today. I am numb, very sad, but I am O.K. We knew this was coming, I am relieved that he and I no longer have to struggle with this disease. If there is a better place, I hope that he's found it. And now, I'm just going to go forward. I want to thank you all who have tried to help me through this journey. You did help me. I would have never thought it possible that complete strangers reaching through cyberspace could be of such great help to me. You have been truly wonderful. Those of you who are out there still fighting, I wish you strength, and peace, and success. An odd thing happened this morning. I never drive Hank's car but I chose to this morning. I started it up, and what was playing on the radio but, Spirit in the Sky. I began driving to the hospital to see him, and then the doctor called me. Very odd indeed. I will still be dropping in on you all from time to time. Wishing you all the best, Gail

Hi everybody, Got a call this morning from Hank at the hospital. His breathing was worse than it's ever been. After allowing myself a short time to freak out, I pulled myself together and went to the hospital. I honestly did'nt know if he would be alive when I got there. That's how bad he sounded. I just kept telling myself, "Don't think, just drive" to keep my composure on the trip there. He was breathing very badly when I arrived. But breathing!!! Saw the pulmonologist and she said there's really nothing that they can do for him in the hospital that can't be continued at home. The doctor's honestly really don't know what they're looking at in the x-rays. As I've been reporting over the last few days, they thought they saw improvement in the x-rays. Now today, things look worse again, without changing medications or anything. They don't know if what they're seeing is inflammation, infection, spreading of the cancer or what. The pulmonologist suggested that I speak to the oncologist and find out if there is anything else that he would like to throw at this, otherwise, at this point hospice is our next move. Hank really had the rug pulled out from under him today after our talk with the pulmonologist. We have both always hoped since the start of this journey that we would be able to hold this demon at bay, at least for a decent period of time, but I have always had a more realistic view of what might be coming and when. Which is not to say that we are giving up. We are not. We will continue to hope, and do all that we can, it's just that our options are now very few, if any. Thanx guys, Gail

Hi everybody, Just thought I'd drop in and ramble on for a while. Hank is still in the hospital as of this morning, we are still hoping for further improvement, and to get him home very soon. What I am about to write may seem selfish, because it is. I don't feel bad about this, because I know that all we humans have a good dose of selfishness in our nature. That's just the way it is. The passed two years of my life have been all about loss. In 2006, I lost both my mom and dad. I have no brothers or sisters. I have no children. I have no living relatives. I have several good friends, but none of them live close by. I have Hank. The way things are looking, that probably won't be for much longer. I am basically retired. I have been wondering what my life will consist of once Hank is no longer here. It's going to be so lonely. I really don't have a clue what I'll do once this is over. At this point I am just trying to focus on getting through this. When Hank leaves, it will be time to rebuild my life somehow. I just don't have a clue what I will do, or how I will do it. I find it very distressing. I almost find it embarrassing that I am posting this at all. I mean, after reading about some of the situations that some of you are facing out there, I don't have anything to complain about. Some of you are just plain overloaded with stuff that I could never imagine dealing with, and I give you all the credit in the world. Well, now that I've gotten that out of my system, time to get myself together and get over to the hospital. Thanx for listening guys, Gail

Guys, I got hit by a bus today. Just kidding. Gail

Hey everybody, Well, here's something kind of crazy, but I thought I would run it by you all. Had a conversation with Hanks sister the other day. She told me that she would be willing to give Hank one of her lungs. My response to her was that they would never do that because his cancer has already spread. I mentioned this conversation to a friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner. She said that she really did'nt know if they would do it or not. She said that insurance would certainly not cover it, but, being that it is an organ being donated by a family member to a family member, if I could pay for it myself, maybe it was something worth discussing with the doctors. Can I pay for it if it were doable? I would come with the money one way or another. Any thoughts? All the best, Gail

Hi guys, Thanks for that info. Just been so involved and stressed out. I glad they're doing OK. Me, I'm hanging on. One minute hopeful, the next, sad and defeated. Pretty much the same as I've been since the day of this diagnosis. But, I'm hanging on. It's the only thing I can do. Gail

Hi Carole, Thanks for posting this. It makes sense to me that actually having this conversation would be of emotional benefit for all parties involved. It is the idea of starting that conversation that i find very stressful and very hard to approach. What can you say to start such a conversation? The only thing that I can think of is, I love you and I will miss not having you with me. It makes me cry to think about it. But, I do think it's a good idea. Hope I have the strength to do it. Love, Gail

Hi everybody, Having been wrapped up in our own personal crisis for so long, I have just realized that Barb seems to be missing (Barb and Bill from NJ) I'm hoping things are going OK for them. Has anybody heard from her or seen any recent posts? I e-mailed her several weeks ago, but did not hear back from her. I'm concerned. Gail

Hey everybody, Saw Hank today, when he woke up this morning he felt that he was breathing better. His blood oxygen level read 97% at rest, which is quite good. But as soon as he starts moving around he gets short of breath. Saw the pulmonologist today, she said that todays x-ray looks even better than the last. But for some reason this is not translating into better breathing. I don't know, maybe it'll just take time. She also said that he's been in the hospital for a long time, and if they did'nt think that they could further improve this situation they would send him home today. So, apparently, they still have hope, and are not giving up on this. I hope they're right! Thanks guys, Gail

Hi everyone, Well. I don't know which way this situation is heading. In my last report to you I told you that the oncologist had reviewed a recent x-ray and told me that things looked improved and that Hank was doing some walking around. I was then in touch with the pulmonologist who told me that she did'nt see much improvement in that same x-ray. A new x-ray was taken yesterday and the pulmonologist told me that yes, it did look improved. Meanwhile, Hanks breathing is changeable, meaning sometimes it's better than at other times, but at no time anywhere near what I would consider good. He is losing strength. He thinks because of being in bed so much with no exercise. I asked the pulmomologist what the plan is. She said that they had thrown everything they have to throw at it. I asked when he could come home. She was non-committal. My guess is that they're thinking that since there is an improvement in the x-ray, they'll hold onto him for a while longer and hope for further improvement. My other thought is, that they don't think he'll improve, and are just afraid to send him home, because he'll get here and just have to go right back or maybe just die! But, if that were the case, I would think that they would tell me to just take him home under hospice care. I don't know guys. But, this is so hard. Everyday I wake up and wonder, will this be the day that he really shows improvement and can come home? Will this be the day that I get a call from the hospital telling me he's died? I'm living on the edge here. It's really, really hard. Thanks for listening guys. Gail

Denise, You did'nt do it, and it's going to be alright. Get Tom to the doctor, and try to relax. All the best, Gail

Terrific news Dave!!!! Go have some fun man! Gail

Hi everybody, Today is a good day indeed. The doctor read the chest x-ray taken yesterday and today told us that there is a very significant improvement and it's encouraging. I realize that within the big picture meaning the inevitable outcome of this situation, this is not anything to be partying about, but, being that I have spent the better part of the last few weeks wondering if he would ever come home again. ...... I am very happy. Hank feels that he is breathing some what better, he is finally coughing up some of that gunk! He was up for his walk today, made him very tired, but wants to do it again later. We are still looking at Friday for a possible release from the hospital, but I don't want them to let him go until he is truly ready. The last time he was in the hospital he was home for only five days and then had to go right back in. We do not want to repeat that. WAY TO GO HANK!!!! Thanx guys, Gail

Hi Lillee, First of all, Congrats! I wish you lots of happiness. I hope your Dads treatment goes well, and he continues to stay strong. All the best, Gail

Hi Denise, I agree with everyone else, check it out, be safe. It's probably nothing, stress can manifest itself in many ways, but if nothing else you will have peace of mind about this. All the best, Gail

Thank you all for your replies and kind good wishes. I showed up at the hospital today. Was not going to go today but I thought I'd surprise Hank with a couple of hot dogs from the Windmill (Jersey's finest hot dogs!) He enjoyed the unexpected visit and surprise. Got him up and walking today, with oxygen of course, he did pretty well actually, considering he has not walked anywhere in nearly 3 weeks. As to when his release from the hospital will be, it is still not known for sure, but it may possibly be by the end of this week. It's so odd.... I want him to come home so much, but I'm scared. I hope that I can handle whatever may come when he gets here. I will surely arrange for help here at home, and that will hopefully be a relief and will be reassuring for both of us, but, I am scared. Thanx guys, Gail

Hi everybody, Hank is still in the hospital. They are still giving him all sorts of antibiotics, breathing exercises, and have added a small dose of morphine to the mix. Hank was not in any significant pain, but apparently morphine relaxes the chest muscles and makes it marginally easier to to breath, it also has had a positive effect on his state of mind and outlook. To bad I can't have any! Saw the pulmonologist today and questioned when we might be able to get him home. The answer is possibly by the end of this week. I have also put in a call to his oncologist today to find out what he feels the plan should be. Have not heard from him yet, but I am fully expecting that he will recommend hospice, and I hope will want to continue the Alimta. I think that Hank is now accepting the idea that he will probably not be around for much longer. He is still hoping that once he gets home he will improve. I am also hoping that will be the case, but in all honesty I have little confidence that will happen. I just want him to come home and be comfortable, and if he gets any better, well, that will be great. Who knows, I guess anything can happen. After all, we never expected that great day not so long ago when he woke up not needing oxygen and we escaped to Atlantic City. Hank has two sisters who are quite have a lot of faith in God. I don't know how ready they are for what might be about to happen. I think that they really are not looking at this realistically, and I hope they're not in for to much of a shock when they find that God (if he/she/it) even exists apparently has not been paying attention to their prayers. Don't get me wrong. Who am I to say that there is or is'nt a God. I don't begrudge anyone their faith. If it gets you through, then that's fine. If it comforts them, that's great. I just hope they're ready. Well, that's all for now. Wishing you all the best, Gail

Hi everybody, Everything that has been tried to make Hanks breathing better has failed. The pulmonologist leveled with him yesterday, and told him that they don't expect that it will get better, and the next step would be a respirator if the breathing gets worse. Both Hank and I have decided that is out of the question. Now, what next? I spent pretty much the entire day yesterday stunned and crying, as did Hank. Last week when I talked to the oncologist he told me that the cancer had spread to his liver, and he asked me if we wanted to try Alimta. Hank said yes, so he had his first dose last weekend. Just don't know what to do. Can and should he continue chemo if we bring hospice into this? Hank asked me on the phone yesterday if I wanted him to come home. Meaning do I want him to come home to die. I told him of course I want him to come home. I will not let him die in the hospital. But to be honest I am scared out of my wits. I am anticipating that this will be the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, and I've had to do some pretty hard things lately. I am going to need all the help that I can get. I have no family left, and all of my friends live in other states. So, I am going to contact hospice. I just don't know if chemo can or should continue. I am so sad, but in a strange way it is at least a small relief not being in such a state of limbo anymore. Now we know. This is not going to get better. Thanks everybody, Gail