lilyjohn

It is cool here this morning in the high 30s and expected to get up into low 60s later. Showers heading our way tonight. My days ahead are all pretty full. I try to stay off the computer as much as I can. I get bogged down and the work here just keeps piling up Our serivice co ordinator is gone so I do the fitness class and I am trying to talk myself into a walk for a few minutes. If nothing else just up the hill. Haven't done it in a month and that hill becomes a real obsitcal. It is very steep. Well got to run and get dressed so I can take Misty out. In the next few days I have to shop and start preparing for our big dinner here next Wednesday then I really need to get busy making plans for my trip. It is coming up in less than a month and I have really done nothing to prepare. That is just so unlike me.

I was on my way to bed then stopped to check this board. Now I find myself with aother of those special memories that I want to share. Johnny was very talented. He taught himself to play the guitar, not just strum but pick out a song. You could almost hear the guitar talk. He also had the most wonderful voice and was able to write some beautiful songs. He would never write the words down for fear of someone stealing his work and gettting it published. When we first met everyone that heard him thought he would make it big in country music someday. Life seemed to get in the way of that just like it did us. Anyway on to the special memory/ Johnny had told me that he didn't have a guitar any more. When my niece heard about that she bought one and sent it to him. She said thinking about him without a guitar was like thinking about him without and arm. One day not long after he go the guitar I called him on the phone. We spoke for a minute but the conection was bad so he told me to hang up and call him back. I did as he asked. When he answered the phone he didn't say anything. Instead he just started singing a song. When I heard the first line the tears started. The song was about us. He told about our love and how special it was. Then it told of our parting and him moving away. I wish I could remember all of the words but I only heard it twice. I know one line " I came up here to get a brand new start but I need you here to mend my broken heart." He sang the whole song and when he finished we were both crying. I asked if he had writtent the song for me and he said yes. He tried one time to sang that song for me but the medication was making him shaky and he had trouble remembering the words. Later I saw a vidio at his brother's house with him singing that song. I thought my heart would stop. I was suppoed to go back and copy that tape but things happened where I didn't get to . Later his niece didn't want to share it. I still haven't convenced her. She just says the tape is her dads There are so many of those special memories and sometimes they make me laugh but others they make me cry. That is so funny because that is what loving Johnny has always been like. I always want to laugh and cry at the same time. I wrote in my journal after his death that I know how an addict must feel because the more I had of my Johnny the more I have always wanted.

Oh boy you had to mention that weight loss thing I was doing really good for a while. I lost 20 pounds and then got stuck. Now I still do fitness twice a week and use the stairs several times a day but my walking is at a stand still. I seem to be busy all of the time then suddenly I just stop and let myself day dream. At any rate my biggest draw back to losing weight is the fact that I like to cook and I like my own cooking. Then of coarse I cook for others and you know when you cook for a man you always find the tastiest and most caloric dishes. Cool and sunny here today. I made spagetti and cookies. Now I have some time for her and facebook. Really need to get on to my gingerbread houses too. Ann I would come and help you cook but where w ould I find the time

Add my thanks to those.

All of those simple things are the hardest to deal with at first. The everyday little things. In time those will get easier but you have to find some way to handle those things and with the holidays looming so soon it won't be easy. A therapist or someone may be the right call. It is a time for bad days right now for a lot of us. Sometimes it is easeir when you know others are having the same problem. Just keep talking and don't let it get bottled up. In the mean time you know how to reach me if you want to talk with me. Take care.

It is cloudy and cool here this morning. The temperature is not supposed to get out of the 50s for most of the week. I can't say that I am sorry. I love the cooler weather and we need the rain that is coming. I too need to get off the computer today. I have a lot of things to do and seem to get stuck trying to do all of those game invites. I think I am going to have to start refusing some of them. Just never enough time. I am glad that you all liked my pictures of the children, I have been wanting to post some for a whiile but I am not up to date on how to do it. The picture of Johnny is one of my favorites. His eyes are just so beautiful. they are what I always see first when a memory comes. Well off to the shower then to get some things done. Time in winding down until my trip, not to mention our Thanksgiving dinner here that I am cooking next Wednesday and then off to my sister in laws for Thanksgiving day. Shop, pack and cook are three priorities then my sewing projects. I have to finish the new gingerbread house I am working on and do a photo album cover and a picture frame before I leave.

The one thing that you will find we all advocate here is Hope. Each person is different and each will react differently to treatment. I am also a true believer that God does listen and answer or prayers. When we face an obstical it is because we have to learn something to pass on to someone else. I am sure I don't need to say this to you sense you are a missionary. I think cancer is one of the most frightening words that you will ever hear. Some of the people on this board have been in a battle with it for years, others have faught and won for years. Still others are caregivers or those of us who lost someone to lung cancer. It matters little when it comes to support. We are here. You will find many people here to relate to. You will also find tears and laughter and above all you will find HOPE. As I am sure you know no one can live without hope. That is why we thumb our noses at statistics. So I will add my voice and welcome you. Please feel free to turn here anytime you need to. You will be surprised how much it helps just to have someone "listen" even if it is on line.

This has turned into quite a coversation Just want to tell you Denise to keep your chin up and remember prayers do work and there are many for you here. Judy I love your new picture. You dear lady look great!!!

Yes this is one to hold on to. The good times out weigh the bad when we allow ourselves to remembe them.

Thanks again Ned. I hope all of you who don't remember some of my earlier avatars will enjoy this one of Johnny. On December 2 it will be 7 years sense I lost him. Still I see as he was in this photo in March of that same year. He had the most beautiful honey golden eyes that I have ever seen. God How I wish that I could look into them one more time.

Thanks to all of you. First of all to Ned and then to Paulette for helping me get them on here. I am still not sure what I did wrong. I also have a picture of Johnny to put up for my avitar. Ned fixed it but didn't give it to me the same as the others so I am not sure yet if it will work. To the rest of you your kind words always help me when I need a boost.

that didn't work.

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Cool and clear here but now I am worried. I hadn't watched the weather for a few days and Ida kind of snuck up. So everyone please say a prayer that my family and eveyone is the southeast stay safe from that late season huricane. In the mean time all of my family are at my son't house for bbq and snacks while watching the Saints game. I never thought I would be cheering for them but so far they have been unbelievable. So I sure hope they keep it up and don't disappoint. As for me it is just another long day. I haven't been on here much because my chair falls just in the right spot on my leg to make my leg foot and ankle swell really bad. Don't know what but when I stay off of here it doesn't swell hardly at all. As for my personal life, what personal life? I sure do get lonely at times and wish I had someone to go places with or do things with. It took me so long to realize how much I miss having someone to share with but most of all just someone to hold me and care. I think I was better off when I didn't realize that I could still feel those things.

Yes Michelle you are getting what you need from him. I told you it would happen. I am so happy for you. Marisa I am glad that you posted here as well. I have had you both so much on my mind lately. I am glad too that you have found that Faith. Remember Marisa that was the first time we actually got in touch. Love you both and am so very happy that you are both finding some good things in your lives.

I didn't post a rememberance tonight. I have been kind of in the dumps the past couple of days and just don't want to bring anyone down. My ankle is swelling pretty bad too so I need to stay off of here so I can keep my feet up. Maybe tomorrow we can acknowledge the newly diagnosed. Sorry I know I started this but I just can't do it tonight.

I had missed this somehow. I am so glad to see so many survivers.

I just want to say congradulations. Let us know when the baby is born.

I am with you Michelle. It is just one of those days when the memories don't stop.

There is an old country song that keeps going through my mind.. The Gods were angry with me for loving you The Gods were angry with me because they knew I stood at Heaven's portal and that was too high For any mortal such as I So they took down the sun the skies were grey Then the howling winds took you away And there was nothing I could do because I knew The Gods were angry with me for loving you This is so how I feel.

Isn't it amazing that when we get close to THAT time how we don't need a calender or even a clock. Memories seem to be able to find me even when I have avoided the date. So many things that are good memories and so many that are not so good. Still in each memory Johnny was alive. When these memories come no matter how painful they can be he lives again. How can I fight that Eight years ago tomorrow I started out on a trip that would lead me to see Johnny for the first time in over 40 years. We had talked on the phone for a while but still I was both excited and afraid. I knew how much I had changed and even though he sounded the same I had no real idea what it would be like to see him again. The trip took three days by train. How can I possibly explain what I was feeling those last few miles? My heart was racing and all I could think of were the years gone by and the man I had known and loved most of my life. Still how would he look and what would he think when he saw me again. Would he still want me when he realized that the young girl he had fallen in love with so long ago was now a grandmother? I wrote about what it was like to get off the train and how we reacted when we first saw one another. Now I want to pick up there and tell you about that majic time. The time when the years turned back and all of the love from so long ago was just waiting for us to come together again. We had planed ahead and his daughter in law had helped him find a motel for us to spend that first night in. It was in a busy area and there was a resturant across the street. I hadn't eaten on the train because I was too nervous and Johnny had waited to eat so we could go and eat together. I think that was a good thing because we were both kind of nervous I was really tired so we sat for a few minutes and talked. I had some family pictures with me and we looked at them. Some were of my family that he knew, others were of my children and grandchildren. After about a half hour we left for the resturant. Some how we turned the wrong way and found the resturant was surrounded by a brick wall. After a while we came to a place where the bricks had been broken down. Johnny crossed and took my hand to help me over. We crossed the busy hiway and laughed because we were being so careful. We had waited so many years for that night and there was no way we were going to get hit by a car crossing the street. I ordered a burger and fries and Johnny ordered a big meal of both eggs and potatoes as well as biscuits and gravy and bacon. He ate the whole thing. I was so tired and nervous I am not sure if I ate it all or not. I only had eyes for my Johnny. When we got back to the motel I went into the shower. I had taken a special gown with me and put that on when I got out of the shower. I went back into the room and never looked at him. I took out my hair dryer and started to dry my hair. I could see him in the mirror but only slightly. The room was dark other than by the dresser. As I dried my hair he made a remark that he would repeat many times in the next year. He asked me how come my hair was red. Now my hair has always been blond and he remembered that. With age it had darkened but it was not red. I think he may have been a little color blind. I took my time drying my hair and when I finished I turned to Johnny and that is when he kissed me. With that kiss 41 years dropped away. The next morning when I started to get dressed and go for coffee he made me stay in bed. He told me that I had been waiting on people all of my life and it was time that someone waited on me, He left for coffee and came back with coffee and donuts. As we ate we held hands and talked. After we ate he called his son. He made a remark to him that makes me blush even now after being used to the things he said. He loved to see me blush and that morning I almost choked on my coffee when he called my niece Jacci and repeated the same thing to her that he had told his son Our time togerther that first time after so many years was very special, not only because we had been apart for so long but because he was still fairly well. He would get winded once in a while and I think somewhere deep in both of our minds and hearts the fear had already started. We made plans but had no idea if they would ever come to be reality. We knew that we still loved eachother more than anyone else ever but had no idea if our dreams of a life together would ever stand a chance. It was just a year later when we were dealing with the anxiety attacks every day. Trying to find help that always seemed so elusive. His illness put a strain on both of us and at times I know our relationship suffered for it, but no matter how bad things got we never forgot the love we had or how much we had missed. All that mattered was that we were together. As long as we had each other we could fight anything, even cancer. We just didn't know that we had more than the disease to fight and that was a fight that we couldn't win. The fight against that attitude that writes a person off so easily. Not long after his death I tried to go to town for a while. I stopped at that same resturant that we had gone to that first night. I sat there and saw the table where we had sat holding hands and talking. I looked across the steet and saw the motel where we had loved for the first time in so very long. I couldn't chew the food. I thought I was going to die right there and I wanted to. I wanted to go back to that first night. I wanted to hear him say my hair was red. I wanted to see that look in his eyes as I turned to hm. I just wanted to hold him again. Oh God how it hurt and how quickly I ran home to be in the home we had shared. Alone with my memories and my tears. So tonight as I sit here I see both of those Novemebers. The first so full of love and laughter and hope. The second so full of fear and anxiety and frustration and later that January day sitting alone in a resturant wanting nothing more than to go with my Johnny and knowing that I couldn't. Most days I do well. I try so hard to be up beat and to make things happen. I even tell myself that I may be able to love again, but in my heart I know that I will always long to go back to that night eight years ago when we knew all of the love that two hearts could hold

I see that the last time Connie's roll call was posted on was back in June. Now in honor of Lung Cancer Awareness month I would like to request another roll call. As I read through the rolls from before I see many who are no longer with us. My heart aches that there are so many but I know that there are many out there other than the ones I know about. So please survivers come here and be counted. I believe that if the public could ever see that people do survive they may not be so afraid to be associated with Lung Cancer. I really believe that fear along with the stigma of smoking are 2 of the main reasons that people just don't want to give us the publicity and support that we need. Stand up and be counted. Let's show the world that Lung Cancer is a people disease and people do survive, that statistics are meant to be changed and it is our intention to see that one day soon statistics will give 100% survival

Sense the first of this Lung Cancer Awareness month I have been posting in memory of those we have lost. Last night I thought to honor the caregivers. Tonight I have decided that it is time to make people see that there are survivers, even long term survivers. I think that if the public would understand that people do survive and many lead fairly heathy lives after their initial diagnosis and treatments. I know there are many strugles and many of you survivers have had to endure much. It can't have been easy but you faught and you have won. Maybe for 2 years or in some cases 10 or more. You are Survivers and it is time for the world to know. So I am going back to the Survirers forum and repeat Connies Roll call of a few years ago. I have found some names that I want to mention both here and tomorrow on face book. I hope you survivers don't mind. Maybe when people see there is hope all is not doom and gloom then they will be more willing to fight to have the funding for research. So now I say congradulations to these people and hope that we can add many years to these times. Connie 14 years Donna G. 11 years Diane 11 years Dadstimeon 8 years Geri 8 years Barb 9 years Becky approaching 7 years Kasey 5 years Carol approaching 5 years Maryanne's Joel 5 years Patti B 3 years Ned 3 years Bruce U 2 years I hope that I have made no errors if so please correct me. I salute you all for your determination and desire to fight the monster. You are all winners as far as I am concerned. I am hoping to get many many more names. This may ordinarily be the wrong forum but I think at this time these people do belong in the Good News Forum

Oh Judy I have been busy but have kept checking. I am so glad. I just knew it. Prayers do work Thanks for the advice but the problem is he says one thing then says something else that counters what he says. He also acts the oposite most of the time. Men why do we ever have to have them in our lives?

Yes it is like that poem The elephant in the room. I believe that everyone we lose take a part of us with them and leave a part of themselves with us. Because of that I know that whenever I think about them or talk about them they live again through me. Please don't ever refuse to talk about someones departed loved one. It is almost like an act of cruelty when you do refuse.