lilyjohn

On December second it will be eight years sense I lost my Johnny. I have grieved for him so many months and years more than we had together. How can it have been only 5 months when I have loved him for a life time? As with Ann ( we always seem to be in the same place) October and November were hard months 8 years ago. Days were filled with anxiety and panic attacks and I had little rest and quite frankly there were times I got short tempered. That has tormented me many times but in my heart I know that I did the very best that anyone could have under the circumstances. It is not easy being the sole caregiver for anyone but when it is the person who knows you inside out and who you know the same way it is so much harder as most of you know. Now I see a friend from years ago going though those last days and I know the pain and helpless feelings that she is having without being told. When I get to Louisiana I have little doubt that he will be gone. I only hope that because I have been there that somehow I can be of help to her and her daughters. At least as much help as anyone can be. Knowing what is happening to him and seeing it described so plainly takes me back to a place in time that will always be the end of one life and the beginning of another. It is very painful coming as it is at this time of year that already is a weight on my heart. I ask you all to say a little prayer again as I did on Facebook for Earl, and his family. While you are at it I think I could use one too. I can't help but wonder when if ever I will not relive those last days and the pain that they brought. Still at the same time I know that I have been blessed to have known such a wonderful love that it could have lasted through a lifetime apart and sustained me even now after all of this time alone. Despite my sorrow for my friend and my own sad memories I do have some good news to report. I sent an email to Marisa today and got a reply. She is doing very well considering. She is so thankful that the brain tumor was removed last Spring and also that she decided not to have treatment for the lung cancer. She is convinced that she would not still be alive had she chose treatment. She says she is weak and thinner but happy and enjoying all of the time she has left. I am so grateful for that and that I have gotten to know her. She is truly and inspiration. So my friends as always I seek you out when those bad days come and now I find myself reaching out to my LC family more and more in my heart when I feel the good things. God Bless you all for always being there. I will try to do better at giving support but as most of you know I do manage to keep pretty busy.

My first visit was less than a month after Johnny died. I had many that first year and several in the next few years. Now after nearly 8 years they don't come often. Like Ann my visits or dreams always seem to come when I am stressed and dreading something. A visit from Johnny gives me the strength to go forward. Like you I believe that this spirit world and our world are interlaced. There is just a thin veil between us and sometimes it slips and we get a glimpse of our loved one who has gone. They always seem to come when needed the most. I am not up to date with all the happenings here lately but I do hope that you and everyone who needs it have more signs of your loved ones presence. It doesn't always have to be a dream or you see them. Sometimes it is just a smell or an intense feeling of their presence. There have been so many different ones for me. I never hear the quail roosters crow that I don't just feel but know that my Johnny is near again. I hope that your dreams and visits and signs will continue to bring you joy and that sense of peace that only a visit from someone we have loved can bring.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to stop in and say hello. I'm afraid that I haven't been doing very well at keeping up with everyone on here. I was very sorry to hear of the passing of Sues dad. Plans for my trip are all made and now it is just a matter of waiting til November 1st. I always seem to keep busy so I guess that is both a good and bad thing. I always promise myself that I will save more time for the board but it never seems to work out that way. I always volunteer for something and my time just flies away. This time of year is never easy for me as most of you who have been here for a while know. Now a dear friend is loosing her husband and the similarities are hard for me to hear. I know that when I get to Louisiana I will need to visit her and hope that somehow I can find the words to help her at least a little. Sometimes I feel so helpless and then others people say I help so I am never really sure. I just want all of you to know that even though I don't post much anymore that all of you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Have a great weekend everyone.

This is the first post I have seen that mentions this. Johnny got to the point where he couldn't stand the smell of anything. I couldn't cook even the things that he liked and wanted without turning on air purifiers and opening windows. Then he would close himself in the bedroom. It got so bad the last few weeks that I strongly suspect that was one of the reasons he wouldn't eat even when it was obvious that he was hungry and wanted to. I 'm not sure if it was the chemo or something caused by the cancer. It just always seemed odd to me and I never realized that anyone else had the same experience.

Oh Ginny I remember so well your stories of "The Duke of Earl". Like so many others they touched my heart. Six years? doesn't it seem like yesterday and a life time ago at the same time? You will be in my thoughts today and tomorrow. May your memories be the best ones and the tears be tears of the joy of having had such a wonderful love. Bless you.

Wow Bud I wouldn't mind having some of those Pecans. We had a tree in our yard in Louisiana and every year I used them in my candies and other holiday baking. I spent many hours picking them out. My husband would use a rocket cracker to crack them then I would clean them and save them for my baking and candy. Unfortunately sense I left there that tree fell victim to huricane Gustave as so many had to Andrew years before. We have walnuts here and I do love them. I grew up with them all around so it is not too bad but they do miss that slight sweetness that a pecan gives. Again I don't envy you that heat and humidity. 106 here yesterday but I know it doesn't come close to heat with all the humidity.

Good morning Judy. I remember those days on the road with my husband. I loved to go places and so did he. It was always the best times of our marriage. Anyway often I would feel both the excitement and the dread at the same time. Just never knew what the weather would bring or where we would be spending the night. We spent one night in Brunswick Georgia in the parking lot of a garage. Denis knew the problem with the truck was a broken transmission hose because it had broken on the road the day before and he had to repair it. Then out in the middle of nowhere South Carolina in the middle of a rainstorm it broke again and we were towed to Brunswick. Thank God the man who owned the garage told Denis it was alright if he did our own repairs in his lot. He had told us it would be several days before he could get to us. In just an hour the next morning we were on our way. Good thing too because I had spent the night in a real fright because we knew there was a huricane on the way up the East Coast and there we were stranded. That was quite a trip. Ended up stranded in Mobile for several days and having the transmission changed. All of that led to the purchase of a new truck. As I said exciting yet always just a little nerve wracking starting out on a trip. Hope your's is fun and relaxing with no problems.

Oh that fishing makes me so jealous Bud. I can just taste them!!

Good morning. I was up at 5:30 Pacific time but no one was here. I thought I would wait a while. Not sure where everyone is. I found facebook and here both unusually quiet all day yesterday. I think some of it may have been football and back to school and of coarse the crazy weather going on all over the country. We have had really great weather here in Northern California but all good things come to an end. Our usual 105- 110 is supposed to start in a day or two. Guess I can't complain at least it won't be those temps with high humidity. My kids and grandkids in Louisiana have been sweltering. Now they are trying to wash away. Once the rain is gone I know the heat will be as bad as ever. Anyway I hope eveyone is surviving this crazy summer and staying safe. Take care. I am off to fitness class.

Judy hope the stomache issues go away soon and that you can find some peace of mind. I can't imagaine how frightening it would be after cancer. Still as Bud said the older we get the more health issues we have. Bud I sure do admire your persistance riding to and from work in that heat. We have had a fairly mild summer so far. Only had 2 days up to 107 with low humidity. Now next week we are supposed to have record breaking heat. Upto around 111 or more. Usually most if not all of August is over 100. I guess we need to be extra thankful for the 90s and even a few 80s we have had. Bruce I think I missed the part about your retirement. I have been staying away for a while. A lot going on in my life and with my friends. Sometimes I just have to stand back for awhile. Katie again I want to thank you and say how much I appreciate all that you do. I hope your trip is a safe and productive one. Hope too that you can find a few minutes for relaxation and a little fun. Take care and keep us posted. I have mentioned in the past about my neighbor who has had a lot of problems. I have been there for her and at times it has been hard. It is so amazing to see the change in her sense she broke away from her sister in law. She has had to deal with that and then this idiot of a neighbor who picked on her. I think he is doing it to try and find a reason to try and get money from the owners of our property owners. Now on top of all of that she went to the doctor yesterday and he examined a mass she found in her rectum. On top of her weight loss I am very concerned. I know it could be something else but I am really worried about it being the worse afer she has finally got a life for herself. She has been having problems and her sister in law refused the Medicare for her telling her that she couldn't afford it. Then she told her that her health issues were all in her head. She went to this doctor on her own for the first time and he is running a lot of tests. She is so glad that there is something so everyone won't think it is in her head that I don't think she realizes just how serious it could be. I am afraid that I may have retired from my job but I still seem to be doing a lot of what I did while working. Just so many here with problems and if I can help it makes me feel like all I have been through was to bring me here to help what little that I can. Anyway just want all of you to know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers even if I don't come here as often as I used to.

I meant to say the population of French Gulch was around 350. Now I live in Redding CA at the northern end of the Sacramento Vally. I am retired and live in Senior housing. I have found a way to be useful and give to others what I can in my work around here volunteering to help my neighbors and on this board once in a while inparting my words of experience if not always wisdom.

It has been a while sense I have come here to read and answer posts. Sometimes even now after nearly 8 years I have to step back and catch my breath. Yes that is right even now there are times that the grief actually seems to knock the wind out of me. Am I abnormal because of that, I doubt it. As so many have told you grief does things to us that we just never expected. I always thought of myself as weak. During Johnny's illness and treatment, and even more so after his death, I began to realize just how strong I have become. I think if we had to make a list of the hardest thing we would ever have to do in our lives grieving would be at the top of that list. It takes all forms and it comes at all times. Each of us react differently. My story is a lot different than most as many of the people who have been around a while will know. Still the intense grief was so bad I thought I would go out of my mind. Unlike most of you I lived away from my family and Johnny and I had not married after finding one another again. I grieved because he was gone and I grieved for all we had missed over the years of seperation. I also felt as if I had let him down because he felt that our finding eachother was because I was sent to save him. I had to move just 4 months after his death. Not because I wanted to but because I needed to work and I felt so alone where I was. It was very hard for me to move. Unlike you I couldn't leave our home. I would go out and get a short way from home and turn around. I had to stay in the place where I had been so happy for such a short time. As I would walk the rooms he was everywhere but he was not there. The pain of that was like some wild animal eating it's way from the inside out. I moved twice within the first year of his death. The second move brought me up here to Northern California and a little town named French Gulch with a population of only 35 or less. I chose to take several months off and not work. I had no tv intentionally and spent hours each day just meditating and walking my dog. It was so beautiful and serene there that slowly I began to feel a little peace. I spent months reliving my life and coming to terms with other losses that I had never dealt with. I wrote my whole story. At first it was to be just the story about Johnny and I finding one another again but it turned out to be pretty much my life story. It was very painful and very time consuming but above all it helped me to start to feel like there was still a place in the world for me. As for medication I chose not to take any for several reasons, I felt they had been the main cause of Johnny's death at the time and I had to deal with the problems many of those drugs had caused. I also had no insurance and couldn't afford the medication nor a therapist. As it turned out that was the best thing for me personally. For others it would not be. I took a long time to get rid of the anger, anger at myself, the doctors and Johnny's family in some cases and even God. I knew that to be a major part of grief and in time I worked my way though both the grief and the guilt. Yes guilt too is a major part of grief, no matter how much we do or how much we give there is always something that causes at least a little guilt and in the grieving mind it becomes magnified. Enjoy what you have in life now. Grieve in any way you need to and never think it is wrong or that you are weak. Your life just changed forever. Not a temporary change but a permanat one and it will take time to adjust. As a primary caregiver you will feel the loss of not only the person but the job of caregiving. You are no longer needed for that and it too will seem strange and hurt for a while. Give yourself over to the grief the anger and even the guilt once in a while. Have a good cry. Don't buy into that myth that storng men don't cry. It takes a much stronger person to admit that they hurt than one to deny it. In the mean time you have many friends in this special " family" who will be here for you.

Your story is very sad but beautiful too. One thing that I have learned is that no matter how horific things have seemed in your own situation there is someone who had it worse. There are just so many sad stories. I know your Pat must have been a very special lady to endure such pain for so long and not just give up. Bless you for standing by her through her journy. I hope that soon you will find that first inkling of peace. It will be just a start at first but eventually all of the bad memories will fade a little and the good will stand forth in your mind and heart. Until then it will be rough going but I doubt you need to be told that. Again bless you for all you have done and been through.

Now Judy I know that I could fit the discription but I would have been in my shorts and tank top after getting the dress up to my knees. That would be time to quit for me and enjoy that pizza or something even better. Can I hear a burger calling at Red Robin or a ice cream at Cold Stone? Beats a fancy dress any day. lol

I got it from a friend of mine. Actually a man , Johnny's uncle. I can just picture the whole thing happening. I had to share it for a few laughs.

I understand Randy and just want to let you know that you have made me laugh at times when I thought the tears would never stop. I think those days will always come for all of us but they don't stay all of the time like they did.It is music that undoes me most of the time,. /recently Misty's death. She was Johnnys long before she became mine/ I hope you are feeling better and again I thank you for helping me and so many others.

I wanted to take Misty up to Washington and put her ashes next to Johnny's but even though she would be cremated anyway they would have to turn her remains over to a pet cemetery and they would charge me and additional $100 that I just can't afford. So as much as I hated it I had to let them dispose of her remains. I have to believe that it doesn't matter. I want to picture her running free along a river with Katie at her side and Johnny looking on. Maybe that is what it is like across the rainbow bridge.

: Class Reunion I had prepared for it like any intelligent woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24 hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last forty years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday. Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them. Bravely I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver sandals again and dance the night away. Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: the black crepe caftan. I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at Saks: the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo and conditioner; the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads. Then the makeup -- the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity-fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle; the 'all day kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off' lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear. Okay, time to get ready! I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting "your face will look like a baby's posterior" face cream. I set my hair on hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready to take on the world. Or in this instance, my underwear. With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black lace, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, ham hock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and began the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested. A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper buns?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my buns to my knees. But I was firm! Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn -- straps over the shoulders Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination. Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled, yes, Houston , we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest and I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh ... why did I buy heels with buckles? Then I had to pee again. ........So I put on my sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the high school reunion.

After Johnny died I would notice Misty watching every man she saw, especially if one was his hight or dressed as he had. I have a vidio of him and I would play it often. When Misty would hear his voice she would lay by the tv and stay there for the rest of the day. I know that she missed him so much and now it is my turn to miss them both. Animals have such personality. Each is so different from the others. Thank you everyone for your kind words. It has been hard but I know she is better off. She had gotten so slow and and slept a lot, still up until that last day she never lost the sparkle in her eyes.

Good morning Judy. I hope you are having a great day. I know that those chemo drugs or the ones that go with them can pretty much wipe you out. Johnny would sleep most of the time he was there then all evening and most of the next day. What kind of motorhome do you have? I do miss those days of camping and traveling. It has been hot here but not as hot as normally, still I hear of people going to the coast to camp and I get a little jealous. lol Well I guess I had better get into the shower and then try to see the dentist before fitness class. My new dentures have made some very bad sores in my mount. Despite that they make me feel so much better. You just can't imagine how many problems that TMJ can cause and how not having dentures can set it into a bad state. I am still having a problem getting started in the morning. I don't have to hurry to take Misty out so I tend to loose track of time. Have a great day everyone. Try to keep cool.

I came here just now and see so many new people and so much loss and pain. Even though I have not been here nor know many of you please know that my heart goes out to you in your loss. For my old friend here this has been a pretty rough few months and this past week has really been bad. As those of you on Facebook know I lost Misty Monday morning. I had to take her to be put to sleep. That was so hard and a decision I was afraid of making. I was afraid I would do it at the wrong time when she had a chance to get better. As it turned out there was no doubts. At least for that I am grateful but I can't get the picture of her last night and morning out of my head. I think she may have had a stroke. She would walk around in circles like she was lost and bump into things and trip on them. I tried putting her water where it was closer but she would just trip in the bowl. I think she may have be blind or just confused. I slept a short time Sunday night and when I woke Monday morning she was laying on her side and couldn't get up. She kept trying but she couldn't. I turned her but she just fell over. She tried to make a noise but it wouldn't come out. As soon as I knew they would be opening I took her. She didn't suffer long and I hate that she suffered at all. Now to other things. The same day that I had to have Misty put down Johnny's son had to have their dog put down. They used to play together. One of the pictures that Valerie posted was of Katie wearing a lea. That same day I took movies of both dogs and my Johnny. So now so many of those old memories are haunting me. One of my neighbors wanted to give me something because I wouldn't take any money for driving her a few places. She gave me some old Conway Twitty CDs. I played them this moring and can't believe how many describe some aspect of mine and Johnny's relationship over the years. In less than two months I have lost 3 neighbors. Two of them I barely knew but one lived in the apartment below me. That is always hard. Three of my neighbors have cancer. Two have lung cancer. One has gone through treatment and looks well. One is going down hill fast with no treatment and still smoking. The third has ovarian cancer and she is in her 80s with heart problems and many other things wrong so she too chose no treatment. Everywhere I look I see cancer and pain and suffering. Last week my granddaughter found out that one of her best friends has Cervical Cancer. Not life threatening so I have been told but she will never have children bioligically. That is hard for a 19 year old to accept. Then two nights ago that same granddaughter lost a boy that she went to school and relilgon with. He was hit headon by a drunk driver who crossed the yellow line. He was only 20. Now to my neighbor. She is in her 50s and a little person. For years she has been under the thumb of her sister in law. She has been mentally abused by her. The sister in law was her payee for Social Security. I have seen some of her papers and know her income and believe that she has been robbed of her money for years. Our service co ordinator has been helping her to sign up with a new payee through a social network here. By law if she even suspects any wrong doing she has to report it or lose her job or worse. Now it is in the hands of the social worker and my friend is so worried about her sister in law. She even talks to her and reverts back to her old self image of someone who is bad and uncapable, an image that has been put to her for years by her sister in law, Her brother is so afraid of his wife that he goes along with her. It is a real mess. Just a few weeks ago he was supposed to take her to lunch and spend the day with her. Instead he let her wait all day then that evening his wife called and told her that he couldn't make it but would see her in church the next night. He didn't even have the b--- to tell her himself. The church is so much like a cult that it really worries me when they get their grip on her. To make matters worse that night she told me that she wanted to kill herself. Thank God she came to me and we talked. Still she is back and forth. They are just about all the family that she has and she is afraid to lose them. I want to help her but I get so angry when she turns a blind eye and starts making excuses for them. At any rate it is out of her hands now. Nothing anyone can do to stop the process. The so called records her sister in law gave her are a laugh. I just keep hoping that she gets what is coming to her and my neighbor doesn't suffer because of it. Now to the most bizzar thing. Many of you may remember a couple of years ago when I wrote about a guy who lives her that took advantage and money from one of our neighbors who had breast cancer and a breast removed. Well this *ss for some reason has decided to pick on my same neighbor who is having so many problems. He went to court and tried to get a restraing order against her. He says because she is bounching a ball in the hall and listening at his door. She didn't even know where his apartment was until I showed her. Well I have pictures of him on his bike and I am waiting to see him and his so called caregiver( I don't think the state intended to pay for that kind of care giving) smooching and more. I have a good view from my window and I am prepared to take pictures and go to court because this *ss filed an appeal and got another court date. Can you believe wasting the states money when we are all ready so far in debt? The first just all but laughed him out of court. Just hope he doesn't back out, Me and about 10 or 15 other neighbors are prepared to go to court with her. We have a lot we could tell. Oh gee I am sorry that I went on and on. I guess I just needed to vent and once I started I couldn't stop. Again thank you for your love and prayers for Misty and me. I will try to do better with my support to all of you. God Bless and keep you all.

Hello everyone. I have not been coming here for a while. My reasons are many and I will write about some of them in the grieving forum. I do see most of you on Facebook now so I tend to keep up a little with what is going on. To tell the truth sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed with the pain and suffering I see that I have to back off and do something frivolus. Katie we are all so grateful to you and I really tip my hat to you for sticking by your convictions for so long. I know the work that you do is important but please put yourself and your family first. Those children grow up and leave so fast and the time you miss can not be recaptured. Our weather here has not been nearly as hot for as long as normal. We have had only 1 day of temperature of 107 so far. We actually ended July in the 100 and below range and started August the same way. Only supposed to get into the 90s for the rest of this week and through the weekend. As you know we have very low humidity so those high temperatures are not nearly as bad as they sound. Low humidity actually makes the Heat Index go down. I finally got my new dentures yesterday. I have a pretty sore mouth today. I think part of it is just getting used to them but I probably also need some adjustments. If not better I will go in tomorrow. I am trying to catch up on some things that I have been putting off. I have decided to back out of most of the games on Facebook. I want to stay on Farmville and Frontierville but leave the others. They are just taking up too much of my time and some of them aren't going anywhere because so many are busy with their own and don't want to join any others. Many require a lot of friends or neighbors to move forward so I am just stuck. I am glad in a way. I have a lot to do before I leave on my trip to Louisiana in October. I also have much of my sewing and writing that I have neglected. Anyway I just wanted to say hi and thank all of you again for your sympathy on my loss of my Misty. She was a faithful companion to me for 8 years and the short time Johnny and I were together, also to him for 9 years. Many of you I know have gone through the loss of a pet even the loved one you lost's pet so you know what is going on inside of me without my saying. Again have a good day and I will try to do better keeping up with everything.

You must have read my mind. I was just going to send you a message. I hadn't seen you on here or FB for a while. Keep in touch and keep making the most of every minute. Love you.

Looking back over the past 8 years I can see how far I have come. Unlike so many of you I didn't have the luxury of waiting to make decisions. So many things happened in my life in less than a year. Each thing taught me something and made me stronger. Still I know I have made many mistakes and there are some things I would do so much differently if I could do it all again. Barb learning to do things that someone else always did was really the hardest for me. I went straight from my parent's home to my husband then after my divorce I lived with family here in California then I went to be with Johnny and take care of him. I always had someone to look at the car or repair a piece of furniture or to go with me to places that I was afraid to go alone. Then suddenly I was on my own. It seemed that so many things needed to be taken care of that first year or two. So many decisions had to be made quickly. Looking back now I believe it was God's way of teaching me how to be on my on quickly so I would not stay overwhelmed for the rest of my life. I have have learned a lot and still have much to learn. I still have decisions to make that I am not sure I will ever really be prepared for so I just wait and see what God has up His sleeve for my next move. Take care both of you and know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Hello everyone. I guess it is time to stop by and say hello. I have stayed away for a while for many reasons. I think most of you have those times so there is no need to go into detail now. I tend to keep pretty busy. It seems there is always something going on and I spend a good deal of time on my different sewing projects and my family tree. I go to facebook too and see what is going on with many of you. After nearly 8 years I have done some cleaning of papers that belonged to Johnny or things pertaining to his care and illness. It was time, it was hard and it was very emotional. While cleaning I found a card that I had bought for Johnny right after we found eachother and he went into the hospital. The verse was very beautiful and said what I was feeling so well and now I find that those words still ring true , I think you who are grieving will understand and appreciate the words I am about to share with you. God bless and keep you always knowing that your love is still with you in ways that many will never understand. "You probably realize that you brighten my life when we are together, but do you know how much you brighten my life when we're apart? Whenever something exciting happens I think of you, and I picture myself running to tell you all about it, and we hug and share a laugh. When I'm faced with a tough situation I think of you, and I imagine what you would do or what you'd say to help me throught it. Even when there is nothing going on I think of you and your ability to make lif's dullest moments fun. You see- even when you're somewhere else a part of you is always here with me" Leslie Kemp Author