lilyjohn

I am so glad that you had that good memory for Thanksgiving.

I too am late Barb but do want to say I am glad it was a special day for you. My Thanksgiving was nice spent with family. I did enjoy it but not the over 3 hours of washing dishes yesterday. Seems the young ones always have some excuse to leave and we older ones get left with the mess. I didn't have much choice because my sister in law is really not able and she did push the limits. I did have a good time but am extremely tired and very glad to be back home.

I just want to stop in long enough to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. As you all know like it is for Ann this is a hard time for me. Last night I gave myself a good talking to. I have let myself get down too much lately. Part of it is the time of year but there are other things too. I tend to give too much of myself away. It is time that I start saving some for myself. It took me a long time and a lot of love from Johnny to realize that I am worth the effort it takes to make myself happy. Michelle having a good day is a great thing. Yes you will continue to grieve but life is about living and laughing and love. The love you have for Don and his for you will not die. Live your life to the fullest, it is the greatest form of love and respect you can show for Donald. Judy traditions are important especially where a child is concerned. Mac and cheese makes your grandson happy so that is a great Thanksgiving meal for him. I will be leaving in a few hours to go down to my sister in laws. I will spend a couple of days there then back her to do my packing and finish up for my trip. I may get a chence to check in here but if not I hope you all have a very Happy. peaceful and healthy Thanksgiving. I should be back late Friday or early Saturday.

Hi Judy sounds like you are having fun It is still another beautiful day here. As you saw on facebook I took the day off for a while yesterday. Today will be busy again. I want to go for a short walk then we have fitness class. I am making danish for our sewing circle tomorrow then after that I will leave for my sister in laws for a few days. I hope everyone has a great day.

As most of you know a few years ago I wrote my story. It was supposed to be a love story but it turned out to be much more. Some of the most emotional parts are what I wrote about the days after losing Johnny. Then in February 2006 my ex husband died too. I was in danger of really going over the edge but I told my grandson something to help him. It was then I realized that I had been afraid to live or be happy because I thought it would be a betrayal of my love for Johnny and his for me. When I saw my grandson doing the same thing I told him that the real betrayal of Denis would be if he didn't live and be happy. That is what helped me move forward and not fall into the same trap with the death of Denis. My life is far from perfect but it is good. I get lonely and their are times I wish I had a man in my life again. Still I love my freedom and I know that any man would always be only second best. Not long after Denis died I wrote an aferwards to my story. It was an update, much has changed again sense then. Still the way I ended it struck me tonight as I was editing my story to save. I hope some of what I said will help you Michelle and any others who are so lost. I have been there and at times I still am but these words are so true and I really needed that reminder as these dates seem determined to haunt me. Part of the afterwards of my stroy. I have learned that much of life is about death. I have also learned that there are no guarantees. Life is very precious and it is up to us to make the most we can out of each moment. Live but be sure that while you do that you remember that others have a life to live too. They have just as much to live for and as much right to live. Never do anything that will in any way take that away from someone else. I grieve for all of the people I love who have died. I know that is a normal thing and I know now that grief is something that we go through but it should never become a way of life. Grief should never become our lives. Life is about love. Life as we know it may end but love never ends it is eternal. Because I know that I can go on now and live my life. I can find pleasure out of the simple things and know that all is well. I got home a little after noon today. All week I had been working in my yard after work. Yesterday I cleaned my car inside and outside. Today when I got home I had a little more to do in my yard. It was so nice to be out there in the sun and light wind. Once I looked up and saw the Eagles flying overhead. It is just so beautiful here. After my supper tonight I took Misty for a long walk. The longest we have gone on in a while. I really enjoyed it and didn't seem to tire out as much as I have been. I wish I could show everyone I love what I see everyday. Everywhere you look the California Poppies are blooming. In every field and on both sides of the road you see them. There are also purple Lupin and carpets of the small blue Lupin. The red bud trees are in bloom and I see wild lavender. In people's yards you see Lilac trees both lavender and white. Many colors of Iris are in bloom as well. I have several colors in my own yard. I also have a riot of California poppies. Today I took pictures of the ones in my yard. I also took a mental picture. While in Louisiana I realized something. Someday in the not too distant future I will have to move back there. I don't want to live there. I certainly don't want to leave this beautifull place that I love so much but I need to be with my children and grandchildren. They made it very clear that they want me there. In a perfect world I could have both my family and this place that gives me so much peace and touches my heart so deeply. This is not a perfect world. That world awaits me when the time comes for me to join my Johnny and all of my other loved ones who have gone on before me. In the mean time I have much to do. I have family that I have just become in contact with that I want to meet and know better. I have my work to do and I have so much around me to enjoy. I will take my walks with Misty and stop and visit with my neighbors. I'll work in my yard and love every minute of the beauty I see around me everyday. I will reach out to those I see who are lost or alone like I have been. When I do leave to live in Louisiana I will have much in my heart and mind to carry with me. There I will have my family and by the time I do go there I will no longer be working. I will learn to be a senior and find something to fill my life while my family are busy. I have come a long way in the past few years both physically and emotionally. My life has had many roadblocks but it has also given me many joys. I have known a great amount of love and a great amount of heartbreak. It has taken all of those things to get me to where I am now. I know God and trust in Him in a way that I never dreamed that I would. So that's my story. I hope anyone who reads it will get something from it. I hope the things that I have learned will somehow be helpfull to others in some way. As for me now I intend to LIVE!! and just in case you are wondering I still get those signs that tell me I am never really alone. I have someone very special just a whisper away. That was written in the Spring of 2006. As you know I have never gone back to Louisiana. I spend a couple of months with my family each year and they take the time to be with me as much as they can. I probably spend more time with them than I would living there. I also live in Redding now instead of French Gulch. As some of you saw on facebook this is still an incredibly beautiful place. So tonight as I face the week ahead and all of those painful and precious memories I will remember those words I wrote. Life is precious and I will honor Johnny and Denis and my parents and brothers by living my life to the fullest I can. I know the pain will still be with me most of the time but it will not be my life. As I said life is about love and I feel love around me everyday.

O h dear Michelle you do take me back seven years. Everything you are going through I did. The feeling that I was having a nightmare lasted for a year. I found myself screaming at Johnny to wake me up. Everything made me cry and I could't stand to be gone from our home. I really don't know how I got through those days. Maybe being so alone is what helped me. I am just not sure. I am certain that most people who met me thought that I was one crazy woman. Time has helped but even now seven years later as these aniversary days of Johnnys last week are here I find that I am breaking out crying almost everytime I talk to someone. I try to do different things but they just don't help. All I can tell you is that you have to live through it. Let the tears fall, No one expects you to be calm and grief free this early. Don has been gone only a little over a month. Take one step at a time. Pray and talk to Don. Don't forget to keep that journal about what you are going through. Someday you can look back and see how far you have come. You will also have the memories because believe me you will be glad to have them all even the bad ones at some point in time. I will tell you that the first aniversary was the hardest in some ways, mostly because that is when you have to face the fact that your nightmare is reality and no one is going to wake you. It takes time. God and your love for Don and all the support you can get from others. I am here call when you need to talk. I am busy but I will take time for you. Love Lillian

Cheese cake ginger cookies peanut butter cookies Oatmeal raisen cookies Key Lime Pie Cheese cake is my all time favorite dessert. I found a great receipe last year for Big Soft Ginger Cookies and oooohhhhhhhhhh they are so good. I also just made up a key lime pie that is scrumptous. I am so glad I can bake and let others eat all of those caleries. I have towatch myself too because cookies hot out of the oven um um. Starting tomorrow I am going to be making these cookies and some others and also pralines and peanut butter fudge and chocolate fudge with nuts. Cream cheese spritz cookies and tomorrow cinniamon pecan danish. Need help with that bake sale Ann?

I have been kind of playing hooky the past few days. I read a little but not much. I too got hooked on the cafe but I am trying very hard to catch up on some of my projects because I am leaving in two weeks for my trip to Louisiana to spend Christmas with my family. I always get a little uneasy about leaving Misty and all I own behind and this year is no exception but now I am getting excited. Dawn thank you for thinking about me. Sometimes I wonder if I don't post too much about my life and my grief sense it has been 7 years but I know that greif is on going. It never really ends. Just knowing that someone can relate gives my emotions a boost. It doesn't matter what took you loved one. Your husband is gone and that is a greif that no one else will ever feel as strogly as you do. Judy enjoy your time with your daughter. I am so glad that she is home and will be home for Thanksgiving. Emjoy your holiday and take care of YOU too. Bud take care of that cold. Don't forget that damn flu is going around and we don't want any of our friends here to be lost to it. We have enough loss here already. Michelle congradulations. Yes it is baby steps and sometimes those steps will take you backwards instead of forward. You just have to keep trying. Take care and keep in touch. Now if I don't post much this week it will be for good reason. Going to my sister in laws for a few days to spend Thanksgiving with them and the rest of the time I will be making candy and cookies. Got to give them out before I leave.

I agree too Judy. I just wish that everyone could be late stage roll call survivers.

It seems that when I copied and pasted I messed up and got some at the top and the bottom. I hope the message still gets across. So many of us suffer but unless you have been there yourself you have no idea how bad it can be. I feel like it is my job to let people who are going through what I did see that I really do understand. I know how hard it is when no one can understand and they keep telling you what you should do. Having someone who does understand makes you not feel so alone. It took me a very long time before I found that person so now I try to be there sooner. For some reason I have been given the ability to put those feelings into words. The pain caused the understanding but the ability to do that is a gift from God I am sure.

It is so sad that so many young women are having to deal with lung cancer. It is frightening too. I know that there has to be a reason that so many women of the same age group are being diagnosed. I always think of birth control pills and artificial sweetners. Not sure why except for the timing. Those things fit the age group. Yes I too will be praying that all goes well for this dear young lady.

Tonight I was reading again from the story I wrote about mine and Johnny's relationship. What I read tonight was about those last few weeks in Washington before I moved back to California just 4 short months after losing Johnny As I read what I wrote I realized that those feelings seem to be universal for most who lose their soul mate. I would like to share some of those thoughts here. I know there are many who can relate. It is so hard to try to put the emotions that I have been through into words. There are days still when those emotions overwhelm me and I am almost paralyzed, unable to do anything more than relive them all. I think I will try to explain by using something that any mother should understand. When you are pregnant your every move is connected to your baby. You feed it through your body. You comfort it by rubbing your belly. You talk to that child inside of you while you are alone. You are no longer one person but two. Everyone who meets you views you as two people. Your attention as well as most everyone else's is focused on that unborn child. Being pregnant consumes most of your thoughts and energy. When your child is born a change takes place. Not just physical but mentally and emotionally. You are relieved to be past the pregnancy and that your child is well and whole. You can relax because you no longer have the fear of uncertainty. Your pride in your child is enormous. Everything should be just great but that is not always the case. There are some who suffer from post partem depression. The feeling of being let down in some way. You and your baby are no longer the center of attention all of the time. Life goes on around you and you almost feel cheated in some way. You have spent nine long months wrapped in a world of you and your child. Now that world has changed. You are one person again instead of two. Some women handle it very well and those thoughts just streak across their mind and are gone. For others it becomes a major problem. When you are caring for someone it is much like being pregnant. If that person is ill or has any kind of emotional problems your world becomes centered around their care. You cook for them and clean for them. You worry about their medications and appointments. You give them all of their emotional support and worry about finding ways to help them deal with whatever their problem is. It becomes a twenty four hour a day world that exists of little but you and the one you are caring for. In my case it was even more so because I was so far away from my family and because Johnny had no one else that he could turn to. No one to count on for any kind of support. I did everything for him. Not because I had to but because I loved him and wanted to be there for him. I wanted him to feel secure. We were a team. Our love for each other made us like one person. When one of us suffered the other did. There was no me and no Johnny. There was only us. Then suddenly he was gone and I found myself totally alone. No one needed my care any more. There were no appointments to make and no doctors office to drive to. No medications to pick up or hand out. There were no anxiety attacks to talk him down from. There was no one to snuggle at night and no one to say "I love you". Everything that had been my world for five and a half months was gone. I was no longer the most important person in anyone else's life. I was alone and unneeded. If pregnancy that culminates with the birth of a beautiful child can sometimes have such a devastating effect on someone try to imagine what losing your world can do to you. No one can truly understand what it is like until they have been there. There is no one to share with. Even the little things that seemed so unimportant before just point out that you are alone. You want to share them with the person you love but they are gone. You don't ask for the sadness or the anger. You don't want to have your insides feel like they are being ripped open. Those things just become a part of you and you have to learn to live with them. It is not easy. Having someone tell you that you need to get over it or get on with your life is such a waste of time no matter how good their intentions are. They are only reinforcing what you know already. The problem isn't that you don't know. It is that you can't. You just simply can not go back to life like it was because that life no longer exists! I tried to help myself but I just couldn't. I missed Johnny so much that my world seemed to have just stopped. There was and still is a giant hole in my life that no one or nothing can fill. I know that it will always be there. I couldn't watch television because everything I saw was a vivid reminder of how much I had lost. It became just noise to me. I couldn't even use the sound for company. Every thing on television was about a world that still existed. A world that had ended for me. Even all of the years that I let no thoughts of Johnny enter my conscious mind I know that he was somewhere deep inside of me. I knew that he was alive somewhere even if I never let myself think about him. Now that knowledge is gone. He was a constant in my life that formed my foundation as an adult. Without him the world was ripped from under me. Finding my footing would take a very long time and still that footing is very shaky. Anyone who saw us together would have seen the deep bond between us. It was very evident and very visible. People who didn't know us thought that we had been married for years. The way we interacted with each other was something that usually comes only after years of marriage. Sometimes it never comes. My birthday came and went. The day before I went to the casino for a couple of hours and I also talked to my kids on the phone. On my birthday I saw no one except a florist delivery man who brought a plant that Jacci had sent. When Valentines Day came I wanted to forget what day it was. That was the day that Johnny and I should have been married. It was supposed to be a day of promise and new beginnings. Instead it was a painful reminder that he was gone and that the life we had planned together would never be. I went to the casino again. It helped for a few hours to give my mind a rest but when I left I was right back where I had been. I remember driving home that evening. I was hurting so much and begging Johnny to wake me up. I reminded him of all of the times I had woke him from his nightmares. I was living the worst nightmare of my life and I needed him to wake me up! I begged him all the way home. I thought that my heart would explode with the pain. tionship. What I read tonight was about those last few weeks in Washington before I moved back to California just 4 short months after losing Johnny. As I read what I wrote I realized that those feelings seem to be universal for most who lose their soul mate. I would like to share some of those thoughts here. I know there are many who can relate.

Thank you Connie. Those words are so true that Doctor Phil wrote. Most of the time I know that and I do pretty well. It is just this time of year. The dates always haunt me and those old guilt feelings return. I think my biggest fear is of being hurt again. As long as my life contains nothing personal, no personal relationship I tell myself I am fine. I handle being alone very well. I keep busy, I volunteer and for the most part live a good life. None of those things can hold me or love me. Bless all of you for being there all of the time but even you can't give me the warm fuzzy and secure feeling that a man's arms can. I want that again but I don't want to give up my freedom and I don't want to be hurt. Besides that almost every man I see seems so old except for one or two and they are either taken or other circumstances stand in the way. Truth is I am not sure how much I could ever give of myself again anyway. Once these days are past I know that I will move on and be my same bubbly self again, at least on the surface most of the time. Inside I will get by but there will always be that hole in my life that nothing nor no one can fill. An I know these are your bad days as well. My thoughts are with you too.

Tomorrow it will be 7 years sense the day I took Johnny for a doctors appointment and he asked to be put in the hospital for help with his anxiety attacks. He would never return home. I have a lot of regrets and mostly it is because I misunderstood just how devistating those attacks were. I also let my own fear and lack of rest make me say things that gave him the idea that I needed a break. I know that is the main reason that he chose the hospital. They were also telling me that I had to take time off and someone else stay with him part time. He just couldn't stand that thought. He felt that if I saw that he was serious about getting help I wouldn't want the time off. Unfortunately his case manager had been at our home and saw how the attacks came about and what I had to do to get him through. She told me that she could never have done that then she reported that I was suffering from burn out. I had no choice but to take that time off and Johnny found out about it just before his appointment. He wanted me to have rest but he didn't want them to seperate us for anytime the way they were planning. He had no idea that I would have just quit my job first. I took care of him because of my love for him. It was his idea that I be paid to be his legal caregiver. Not knowing what I would do he chose the hospital and because of that he died 13 days later. Some times I still feel so guilty because of that. If I had it to do over again I would get down on my knees and beg him to not go. I would tell him that I wouldn't leave him even for one minute if he didn't want me to, but I can't go back and these dates always haunt me. It is so hard because I know my trip is coming up just a few days after the aniversary of his death. I need to prepare for that but my mind doesn't go there. Then there was the almost relationship with Terry. I still care for him a lot but I know it will never come to anything but a closeness that we have. Sometimes I think how good it would be to have more then I remember the pain and wonder why I would ever want to chance that again. So I play games and work on my sewing and remember. The tears are always close and today I had a long talk with the Service Co Ordinater who works here. Her and I have gotten to be good friends, it helped to talk to her but still when it comes to these days I always feel as if I am alone no matter who is with me or around me. Keeping busy only works for a while and then too I end up making myself so sore I can't do more than set and think. I want to be here for anyone who I may be able to help. I want to know and say the right words but right now I feel so selfish. I am not sure how much good I can be to anyone until these next two weeks pass. Just know that I do understand your pain and my thoughts are always with those of you who are suffering the loss of a loved one. I share your pain.

Good morning all. It is cold and clear here this morning with a major storm supposed to move in tomorrow. I made it through yesterday but believe me I am feeling it today. I am not used to being on my feet for so long continuously and my sciatica was already kicking up after moving my love seat Saturday. So today I have to watch how I move and I think I will just take the day to be lazy. I just looked at my calender and nearly freaked out. I can't believe it is less than three weeks before I leave on my trip and I have nothing done. I can't make my reservations until I get my check on the 3rd and am hoping to leave here on the 7th. I have no idea what I will even pack. I have a problem with pants because most of mine are either too small or too big. I can fit my cords now but am sure once in Louisiana I will gain back some of my weight so no need to pack them. Gosh Judy I feel like a cry baby complaining after seeing what you are going through. I sure hope you get weekend off that you want. Ann too bad we aren't closer. These days are really getting to me. That is part of the reason I am keeping so busy. Tomorrow is the aniversary of the day that Johnny went into the hospital that last time. So much happened that day and I will always be ashamed of my own behavior. It is unbelievable what stress can make you do. Well have a good day everyone. I have some emails to catch up on.

oh doesn't it seem like when it rains it does pour? It is so time for them to get off their butts and find a cure. Your friend will be added to my prayers. Talk to you soon.

Wow I just got up. Michelle I sat up until 1am this morning. First time I have done that on purpose for a while. I did have another glass of wine sure did sleep hard. I will be on the go all day today. After I have my coffee I have to take Misty out then I am going to coffee with one of my neighbors. Fitness class is at then then I have to do laundry. I am out of clean clothes. Today I will start some of my cooking for tomorrow. I have a cake and fruit salad and cole slaw to make today. I want to bake my cornbread for my dressing too. Then tomorrow I will do the turkey, ham, dressing, massed potatoes and brocollit casserole. Busy day and I sure hope we have the turn out we had for our Christmas Dinner Last year. Nest week for the real Thanksgiving I will be going down to my sister in laws. Michelle if you feel like it call tonight. As you can see I will be busy during the day. That phone call is a real mystery to me. It wasn't you or Marisa and you are only among very few who call my home phone instead of my cell. Have a great day all.

Tomorrow I will dedicate my day to the memory of Johnny. That will be on facebook. It will not be easy because it is so important to me yet I have to chose my words because of my family being there too. Here tonight I have a special memory to post. Tomorrow will be 7 years sense the night this happened. It was a Sunday evening November 17,2002 just three days before Johnny would leave our home never to return. Before I go on to the memory I just want to say that he was a special man. He had humor and talent but he also had a heart that could reach out to someone with so much love and understanding. Often he tired to cover up that kind heart with a grufness but to me he always let it show. So as I post this tonight I want to say that I dedicate this and so much of my life to the memory and the love of a very special man. John Fields born in the little Oklahoma town of Antlers on March 15, 1933 and died in Olympia Washington on December 2, 2002. He captured my heart when I was little more than a child but he has held it for most of my life. So much of who I am is because of him. I will love him for now and all eternity. November 18,2002 I hadn't been able to leave the house much and we were running out of everything. I hadn't been eating well nor sleeping because Johnny had a problem with smells. Even the simplist one would send him into an anxiety attack. Sleeping at night was a problem too. He could only sleep while I was awake. I knew the reason why and even offered to stay up one night and watch him sleep but he said he couldn't sleep unless I was there to snuggle him. I needed to go to the store and I needed time alone to rest my nerves and to try to decide what our next move should be. Everytime I found something that helped someone would give us a backwards shove. I needed a clear mind to think. His son came to visit. Johnny had looked forward to his visit and I looked forward to getting out to the store. While he was with Johnny I left for a while. I stopped to eat a hamburger but it had no flavor. Nothing was ever as good without Johnny. Then I went on to WalMart. I bought a few things that we needed and then went for a CD. I had gotten Johnny back to his music, He loved country music, and there was a CD by Travis Tritt called Don't Count Me Out. I told Johnny that was about him and decided to buy the CD for him. After I found the CD I bought the dozen roses he had requested. As I had left the house he gave me money and asked me to buy a dozen red roses, 6 for me and 6 for him. I rushed to get those things and get back to him. I had sworn that I wouldn't rush but I couldn't stand being away from him despite all of the problems his anxiety was causing us. Now to that night. I will pick up my story there. I took this from the story I wrote about our life together. After his son left I sat on the love seat with him and played the CD that I had bought. When the first song played "Don't count me out" I told Johnny that it was about him. That he would be back stronger than ever and no one had better count him out. We were reclined in our chairs holding hands and just enjoying the music. Toward the end of the CD a song came on and when Johnny heard the first line he put his chair down and sat forward. He asked me to turn it up. After that first line of the song played he turned to me and squeezed my hand and said "that's you". After every verse of that song he would do that. He would say each time "that is you." I will always believe that he gave me that song that night to replace the one that he wrote for me. This is the words of that song and it really does describe the way he felt because it says "I feel so unworthy of all that you do for me". That was what Johnny told me on several occasions. I've seen it all I've watched an acorn turn into an oak tree I've felt the passion of a whippoorwill's call I've seen a flower bloom in the dessert But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all I've seen the faces they chiseled in mountains Marveled in wonder at stars when they fall I've watched the sunset slip into the ocean But a woman so true loving me like you do now I've seen it all I feel so unworthy of all that you give me I could die happy just knowing I am your man I'm so undeserving I just stand here in awe That a woman so true loves me like you do Now I've seen it all I feel so unworthy of all that you give me I could die happy just knowing I am your man 'cause you find perfection where others see flaws Yes a woman like you loving me like you do now I've seen it all This is the song that Johnny said was me even after all of the terrible mistakes that I had made!

I am here Michelle. I too have things to do butt my but is dragging. It is 34 degrees right now so that is good for me. After I took Misty out I went back out and walked up the hill. I wasn't sure if I could do it because it has been a few weeks but I made it. There is a lot going on with me right now emotions wise. This time of year is always hard and still I am not settled in my mind yet about being alone for the rest of my life. Funny because just a few months ago I never thought about that. I was thanking Terry for helping me to at least dream again but our relationship hasn't worked out. There is something between us but it just doesn't seem to be going anywhere and probably never will. Still I wonder if I wasn't better off in ignorant bliss not realizing that I am lonely. Then there is my trip coming up in just about 3 weeks. I can't make my reservations until I get my check on the 3rd and it will be very tight money wise. Usually I am packed by now and excited. This year I don't even have an idea what to pack. My mind just goes in 50 different directions. As some of you saw last night I had a glass of wine. It tasted so good I took another. I was tempted to drink the whole damn bottle but because of my blood pressure and the medication I am on I was afraid to. Still the mood I was in it wouldn't have taken much to make me drink it. After catching up my game requests on facebook I sat for awhile with my sewing then got up to go back to the games. Having so many is starting to really mess with my computer so I will have to start decling any other game invitations. Anyway I got frustrated and ended up going back to read more of my story looking for those good memories and I guess just to feel loved again. That could have been a mistake but I guess it turned out alright. It just happened that the part I read last night was about the last day of Johnny's life and his death. Still after all of these years I can see every detail in my mind. As you know Michelle and anyone who talks to me on the phone or in person. I cry everytime I talk about Johnny. Even the funny things make me cry. The tears are always near the surface. Last night was different. Instead of the silent tears and catch in my throat i cried. I sobbed and shook and somehow I guess I needed that because today though drained I think I am a little better emotionally. So enough about me. I am hoping and praying that Randy gets that job he wants and that Judy' s daughter will have a benigh cyst removed and be home safe and happy soon. As for you Michelle you know my heart is with you. We can't forget Marisa either. She is always in my thoughts and prayers. Despite all of my emotional mess I know that I am so blessed to have found so many wonderful friends. There are so many of you and I am not slighting you by not mentioning your names, just not enough room here. I just wish we would have found one another somewhere else.

A while back someone posted here about what a hard time she was having. She spoke about losing her husband and not wanting to live. I sent her a pm and keep checking but she has not posted again. If anyone has heard from aharton please let me know. I am a little concerned. She never picked up the pm it is still sitting in my out box.

It is so good to hear some more good news today. I have been in a down mood lately and seeing this after reading about Judy's daughter doing so much better makes my day a little brighter.

The holidays are still very hard for me. I always made such a big deal of them especially Christmas. While I was living in Louisiana and had my children and grandchildren close by I cooked for weeks making cookies and candies and then Christmas Dinner. I enjoyed every minute of that time. My marriage had probably always been in trouble but somehow those special times helped me through the rest of the year. I think to somewhere deep inside of me, even though we had not spoken in so many years, the knowledge of Johnny's love was always there giving me strength to get through the tough times. After my divorce I was with Johnny in a few short weeks, and it was quite unexpected that we would be together so soon even though we had been talking for a while. My life was changing and even miles apart he helped me through those hard times. He never tried to influence me but only let me know that he was there, that he cared. I had such plans for our first Christmas together. His relationship with his sons had been rocky for years but after a while that started to change. One night I told him that he needed to stop stalling and tell his boys how he felt about them. That very night he told his son Tom that he loved him and was shocked when his love was returned and not rejected. Later it would happen with his oldest son and they were close again. I decided that for Christmas I would make a special family dinner. It didn't matter if it wasn't on Christmas Day, just so it was near Christmas during the holidays. While Johnny was in the nursing home he had planned on returning home that Friday. The one I wrote about above. The Wednesday before I left him long enough to go shopping. I bought a lot of things that we had run out of and I bought Christmas decorations. I planned on going to one of the many Christmas tree farms and cutting a special tree for us. I was so excited about being with him for Christmas and giving him the kind of Christmas that he never had. I knew that we would be going to Seattle soon the the Cancer Treatment Centers of America Clinic. We had found hope and I knew what we needed to celebrate. Instead when Christmas came I found myself not only alone but totaly shattered. I wasn't sleeping or eating. I would leave my home to try and find company then rush back because I couldn't stay away from the home I had shared with Johnny. I felt closer to him there. He was everywhere but he wasn't there and it was tearing me apart minute by minute. I decided to get a tree after all. Not for myself but because I knew that my family would be expecting me to. They had no idea what Johnny's death had done to me. I guess they just couldn't imagine me loving anyone like that and it not be their dad. I didn't find one to cut. I just found one and bought it. Each time I looked at that tree I felt as if it were mocking me, Making fun of the hopes I had had for such a short time. I tried going to church with some neighbors but each time I went I just sat there and cried. I felt that my Faith had betrayed me when Johnny died. As Christmas approached it got only worse instead of better. Johnny's daughter in law was expecting her baby and we new she would have a C section. The lease on their house was also expiring on Christmas Eve. When she went into the hospital to have the baby I stayed with the other two children and worked on getting the house they had moved into in some kind of shape. When she got home I went to the store and got the things that she needed while Johnny Ray was at work. I even took her to her doctors appointment. Going to that doctors office was so hard. I had no idea until we got there that I would be sitting in the car and looking up at the window to the room where I spent Johnny's last 2 days with him. My heart just broke over and over again. That is when I learned that Johnny Ray and his family would have no Christmas. Valerie was unable and Johnny Ray had to work long hours on top of finishing the moving and cleaning the house they had moved from. I helped him clean that house and a plan started in my head. I bought presents and then I went to the grocery store. I bought every thing that I needed to make that large Christmas Dinner that I had planned. Then after I cooked it I took it all to their house and we had Christmas together. That was my gift to them and to Johnny because I knew that is what he would have wanted me to do. I won't tell you that was a good day. It wasn't. I never knew that you could feel so dead and still feel such pain. How do you explain to anyone who hasn't been there what it is like to face a time like that? There are just no words. Still I did something that needed to be done. I did it for them and for Johnny but I know now that dispite the pain it helped me as well. It was my first step toward the new compassion that I have found. The compassion that helps me see and understand others pain. It gives me these words that you all seem to relate to. Life can be so cruel but if not for the pain how would we ever appreciate the joy when it comes? Michelle make tha special Dinner for Thanksgiving. Celebrate Donald's life with your son. Forget about the ones who have hurt you and remember the love. I can't promise you that you will be happy but I can promise you that it will be painful. Grief is painful. There is no way around it. If you put it off it gets worse not easier. So have your dinner and shed those tears and let them wash away a little of the pain. When Johnny would take his nebulizer treatments he would never take it all at once. He would use it a couple of minutes then turn it off then use it again for a couple of minutes. He would tell me each time " A little at a time Honey, That's all I can take, A little at a time that is I all I can stand". Grief is like that too. You can take only a little at a time and if you try to put it off it will all hit you at once and when it does nothing can ease the pain So here I went again. Spilling so much of myself here. It is still not easy facing both the holidays and the aniversary of his last days and then his death aniversary, but somehow I get through. I think I owe a lot of thanks to all of you, because alone I don't know how to cope. When the pain get to me I know that I can come here and find someone who understands. So as the holidays approach take time to celebrate your loved ones life but take time to grieve as well. Tears are the greatest cleanser for the heart and soul that you can find.

I guess the one thing that I forgot to mention is the lesson I learned early in life. Love hurts. That is the simple truth, when you love someone you are putting yourself out there to be hurt. If you are lucky the person you love will love you back as Johnny did me. Other times though we are not so lucky and either way it seems it ends the same. One way or another the pain will always come. Love hurts but how do we live without it I guess I am just sad tonight and feeling so very alone.

As I come closer to the aniversary of those last days of Johnny's life the memories always seem to catch up with me. That Friday of Novemeber 29th was one of the most horific days of my life and the most frightening. I had no idea at the time that it was the begining of the last weekend of Johnny's life. I won't write about the things that happened. Some of you already know as for the rest of you let it suffice to say that those things should never have happened. They wouldn't have if the day before Thanksgiving Day hadn't started out like it had. The memories of that day always hurt me as much as the memory of that last morning that ended so soon and with such heartbreak that it left me not just broken but shattered. As I said once before when you are shattered and somehow put back together there is always a weakness always a flaw. Sometimes I feel that flaw even now. I do know that there are cracks still and often other pains seem to enter but none to compare with the loss of those days 7 years ago. On the first aniversary of his death and those last horific days I was all alone again. I had moved from Washington that April and was living in Escondido in Southern California. My niece who talked me into moving there had already moved up here to the little town of French Gulch that would soon become my home for a few years. I faced those aniversary days alone. I asked to work on Thanksgiving Day and my request was granted. It was so lonly and I felt so alone even with so many people around me. Then came the aniversary of that terrible day of November 29, 2002. I had joined this board not long before. I made a post that night it was about love. I hope you don't mind that I repost it here. As I read the posts of Michelle and talk to her and some others who find themselves in the same place that I am, I think what I wrote will be something that you can relate to. November 29th 2003 I am trying to find something to think about so the date does not continue to torment me. I don't want to remember that this date last year was the beginning of the end of my beautiful life with my Johnny. I don't want to see the things that happened to him and to us. I don't want to see his tears of shame for something that he could not help and above all I don't want to see the fear in his eyes and know the fear that was in both of our hearts.. I have been thinking about love and how I would describe it. Love is sharing someone’s thoughts and feelings and respecting those things and knowing it is returned. Love is taking a person as they are and not wanting to change them or make them over. Love is acceptance of flaws and not only accepting but having pride in the person because you know the flaws are a part of them. Love is wanting to lift someone up when they are low and love is wanting to lift someone higher when they are high. Love is a touch or a look that needs no words and love is the joy of just being. Being loved is the most wonderful thing but being able to love totally and unconditionally is the most precious of gifts. Love is just knowing without words and love is words that mean one thing to others but have special meaning between two people who love. Love is silly little pet names and love is tears and hope and pain. Love is what life is all about. Love is the most powerful force in the universe and beyond. Love is life, hope and dreams. Love is the eternal force and I believe that God is love. Is it any wonder that our pain is so deep when we know and have experienced all of these things and now don't know where to focus that love that joy that hope? Hold on to the ones you love with all of your might and all of your love. Remember to be patient and remember too that sometimes it is alright to be impatient just so you know it is the disease that you are impatient with or angry at not the one whom you love. I have been truly blessed to have known a love so deep and have it returned so totally but I know that all things have a price. The price I have paid has been dear but the love I have known has been priceless. Because of that I know that I have to grieve and I know that the pain will never really go away. I know too that though I will go on to live a life different than I had hoped for I will live with the knowledge of that love and hope that in time it will give me the strength and courage I need to become a part of the world again. I want to be someone that my Johnny would be proud of and I want to live because I know that he loved me enough to want that for me. I know that I am rambling but I am trying to explain and encourage myself as well as anyone else who feels like I do. I am trying to ignore the date and I am trying to get the courage to go to work and face the problems of the other forgotten ones. The ones who know like Johnny did what indifference and selfishness can do. I thank you for your replies. Sometime I need a hug even if it is long distance! To all of you I wish you hope and peace but above all I wish you love. Lillian Again tonight almost 6 years later I wish you all so many things but above all I wish you love, love of life. love of family and love of friends and last but most of all to feel all of the love around you that your loved one left behind. Good Night.

I agree with Judy don't jump to conclusions. In the mean time you will be in my prayers for both a good weekend and a great out come of the biopsy.