lilyjohn

Of all days I picked today to check in here. Your post and the replies just jumped out at me. I think one of the biggest roadblocks to finding some kind of life during grief is thinking or feeling that someday we need to or will feel the same as we did before. I think as much as we miss the person we have lost we miss ourselves even more. We are not and can not expect to be nor ever will be the same person that we were. Losing someone you love changes you. Some of those changes may be small and some big but they all come and add to the grief. We mourn our former life, Our loved one and the parts of ourself that have changed. I can understand you wanting to sell your house but a word of advice. Don't move too quickly. I know the memories are hard but believe me they don't stop coming or hurting just because you move. They say you should give yourself at least a year. Take time write down all of the pros and cons and then decide. A better option may be to rent your house to someone for now and move into an apartment. Check all of your options and don't do anything from just the emotional standpoint. You know that we are all here for you. I have been away from here for a while because even after nearly 8 years there are times that I need to just back away for a while. A lot of us are on facebook and you have my number. If you ever want to go somewhere for a quick visit you can always come up and visit me.Take care and keep in touch.

Good morning Bud and everyone. It has been a while sense I have posted here. I'm sure most of you know I have been fighting a battle with gout. I never knew one little toe could cause such pain and havoc in my life. The medication finally took away the really bad pain but I still have to watch how I step and I can't wear any shoes except one with no toes. Sometimes the toe feels like it is being strangled. That is the only way to describe it. It is still swollen and looks deformed. I am just getting back to spending more time on the computer. It seems I have gotten behind in everything and have a lot of catching up to do. I couldn't even work on my quilt because I couldn't stand it to touch that toe. At least now I can do that. Weather here is unpredictable. They keep saying rain but the sun is shining. We had only a short drizzle yesterday and the rain over night didn't develope. Today it is supposed to be thunderstorms. We had a brief one the other night and last Thursday we had some hail. I know for a lot of you that is the norm but here in Norther California it is not so normal. Bud I'm glad you are getting some miles this month. I know you set a high goal for yourself that is very inspiring to so many. My son spent last week at Toledo Bend for his annual fishing trip. Despite all of the cold weather there this year he sill managed to catch some bass. His second day there it snowed and the next day he was able to fish in shorts. Crazy weather everywhere. I hape everyone has a good day and stays safe from the weather and everything else.

I come here after being gone for a while and I see so much loss and heartache. I pray everyday to see it end. Cancer of any kind is such a cruel disease and lung cancer is one of the worse ones. It breaks my heart to see so much pain both physical and emotional. Some day soon someone has to find a cure. I just know it is out there somewhere.

I know that there are no words to ease your pain. Just know that my heart and prayers are with you.

Good morning everyone. I trust that you all had a good weekend. Bud you inspire me. I just wish I could get myself going as good as I want on my exercise but something always seems to interfer. Judy I know what you mean about those alergies they have really been kicking my butt this year. Yesterday was not the best day. For two nights I had that tickle and coughed a lot. So not the best sleep and that left me with t hat sleepy head feeling for two days and then to top it off my pulse keeps going down to 40 and I panic. Then it goes back up. Doc had increased my blood pressure meds because the top number was still high when I go there. Thing is I tried to tell her I have White Coat syndrom but she raised in anyway. Yesterday morning it dropped to 105/56 and my pulse was down to 40. That set the stage for a bad day. I worried about it all day and along with the sleepy feeling I just didn't feel like doing anything but I was too restless to sit and read until late in the day. I finally settled down and read a lot then went to bed early. I had a good nights sleep and do feel some better this morning and pulse and bp were much better this morning. I think a lot of my problem is worry about my mamogram. I will be so glad when it comes back and is hopefully God willing normal. I got a phone call yesterday from Johnny's niece. His brother Harold passed away on the 23rd of February. That was the 4th aniversary of my ex husbands death. Not a good day for a lot of people I love. Harold had been bed ridden for nearly 10 years and before that he had been disabled for another 10. He had had a massive heartattack in 1990 that had left him with brain damage. He was such a dear man. I met him when he was first married to Carol. Johnny had intorduced us. Later when my brother died he and Carol came to my mom's house and just held me that night. I hadn't seen or talked to them in 14 years but they were there for me. Later when they came back into my life I felt like a part of my family had been restored. I know he is at peace now but he will be greatly missed. Well I need to finish my breakfast before it is too cold to eat then try to walk. I still need your prayers for my mamogram and to get my bp and pulse regulated. That is some scary stuff but then again nothing like what most of you have had to deal with.

I think I told you once before Michelle that you sound so much like I did and believe it or not after over 7 years still do at times. What has happened to your life is cruel and it just plain hurts. No one can understand completely what you are going through even those of us who have been there because it is different for each of us. You want honesty well here it is. There is no majic cure. You hurt now and a big part of you will always hurt. The secret is not getting rid of the hurt but learning to live with it. In time it does get easier but it will never completely go away. Your life has changed and it will continue to change as you learn new things because you have to not because you want to. The old saying " life goes on" is true, it just doesn't tell you that life will be harder and hold less joy than it did before. It also doesn't tell you that the joy you do feel will be so much greater because you know what the other side is like so you can appreciate joy, love and laughter a lot more than you ever did before because you know how precious those things are. Some of the people who have been here sense I first came here could tell you just how bad I was. It took a long time and is still an on going process. Just a few days ago I was cleaning and came across some papers from when I was caring for Johnny and running him to doctor appointments. I had them in my hand to throw them away but I just couldn't do it. They are a part of my life with him. I feel like each time I let something go I am letting a part of us go and I just can't let myself lose him or my connection to him. I know I have his love and he has mine but I still want and need the physical reminders. Some people get rid of everything right away. I just can't. I think we all ask the question " why me" and see people who seem so undeserving who never seem to lose while we feel so cheated. I read somewhere that what we need to ask ourselves is " why not me? What makes me so special that I don't deserve this pain and someone else does". It took a while and I do ask that question but stil the others haunt me often when least expected. The one thing I have learned is that there are some things in life that we will never know the answers to. That is hare for someone like me who always wants to know all but that is just the way things are. So my friend don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. You have enough on your shoulders without worrying about what others think of your feelings and behavior. All of us here love and support you. You spill it out anytime we will be here.

I have been away for a few days. Not trying to ignore anyone but get my exercise routine set. I am a morning person and if I don't do it early I just make excuses and don't do it at all. It is rainy and windy this morning so my walk was inside. Around the building then down the stairs walk across to the other end then down the up the stairs. Next I go from end to end of my building then out onto the breezeway between this building and the next for some air. Our apartments all open inside the building and I am a fresh air fanatic. Now after doing that 5 times it was on to the next building and down one stairs up the next across breezeway then down the stairs across my building then back up the stairs. Doing that after my stretches and 3 minutes of the twist and I am worn out I really can't complain about the weather. We still need the rain and temperatures in the 50s feel great to me. I can't take the heat and after living in heat and humidity for so long I will take cook 50s any day. Only bad thing today is that the wind is blowing toward my window so I had to close it. We have our fitness class in a half hour and I enjoy it but they have the heater on. I have to go to the door once in a while and get a breath of fresh air. I have to go out this afternoon for my mamogram. They always make me nervous but this time is worse because I have been having pain in one of my breasts. I have cystic breasts so I am used to that but this is different and in one breast only. They say that pain is not usually a sign of anything serious but I am still scared. All prayers appreciated.... Well I guess Ihad better get off of here and get ready to go to fitness. I may make one more round of the buildings. Dieting and hoping that sooner or later this will pay off with some weight loss. I can't blame it on Thyroid because my test came back good. Other that the worry about breast pain I am feeling much better than I was. Who could have guessed that alergies and TMJ could cause such havoc?

Good morning Judy. I decided I should check in this morning. Just haven't really been up to it this past couple of weeks. I got my appointment moved up from Monday to this past Thursday. I had some of my concerns explained and that made me feel better. She also told me to get back on my alergy medication and that has helped a lot. Stomache issue still bothering me but not nearly as bad. I think the alergies have caused the post nasal drip and trying to handle that got the GERD going bad. Had two blood tests one for Thyroid and another for a Bacteria in the stomache. I keep hoping that is my problem and an antibiotic will take care of it. Not thrilled about having that thing put down my throat to have a look see. Anyway I am feeling some better. Trying to get my energy level back up so I can do more of my fitness and walking. I just can't seem to lose any more weight no matter how close I watch what I eat or exercise. That is one of the reasons for the thyroid test. I will get answers to that on Monday. Then have more blood work for the usual things. I heard it rain during the night. It didn't last long but there is supposed to be more on the way. We have had about 4 days and sunshine and warm temperatures. It sure was nice. I am glad to see that Bruce is keeping up with Marisa. I'm afraid I have been pretty lax. Just haven't felt like doing a whole lot so spent a lot of time catching up on some reading and sewing projects. I am going to try to do better about checking in. It doesn't take long to lose track of what is going on with everyone here. Well it is time to check facebook then hop in the shower. I have a pancake breakfast to cook this morning for my neighbors. It is a commit ment I made a few months ago. I am looking forward to doing it now that I am feeling a little better. Take care all and have a wonderful weekend.

Happy Valentines Day to all of you. Michelle thanks for the update on Randy. I just posted here wondering what was going on with him. I am still reading a lot and trying to catch up on some of my projects. Still have a problem with that acid reflux that drives me nuts. Feels like something caught in my throat and I belch all the time and very little relief. Tried to get into the doctor early but they are booked up until my appointment on the 22nd. Not too many take Medicare and Medical so I have to just wait. Well I hope everyone is thawed out now. As for here our sunny day has turned to clouds and a chance of showers again. I don't mind the rain because we need it but it sure whould be nice to have a few days of sunshine.

Ok Randy you should post and let us know where and how you are. You seem to have disapeared from all of our facebook friends lists. Please let us know what is going on>

Set and cool here this morning. Nothing like what is going on back East and in the South. Still trying to get to see a doctor sooner but it is next to impossible. Along with the GERD I have a slow heartbeat and that kind of scares me. Then I have anxiety problems. I don't know how all of you handle the many heath issues that you have. We have fitness this morning then I get my hair cut this afternoon. Just keep praying that I start to feel normal again soon. Wow Bud and Will are having a snow experience. It isn't reaching far enough south to affect my family in Louisiana although they have warned of icy roads in their area. I try not to think of then all driving to school and work in that. They just don't know how to handle it because no one is used to it. Well have a great day everyone. I will go to face book but I think I will delete all of the games. They seem to do a number on my computer. I spend a lot of time waiting to use it because it is froze on one of those games. It is just not worth the time it takes.

It sounds like you are right. Our loved ones always seem to know when we really need them the most. Your mom is showing you that she is still around. Yes it happens to many of us.

It is cool and light rain showers off and on here. Temperature should stay in the 50s today. I really can't complain we needed the rain and still do need a little more. After seeing what so many of you are dealing with I will be glad to have just a little rain. I just spent a while on the phone trying to move up my doctors appointmet from the 22nd. I have really been having a rough time with the acid reflux or GERD. Nothing seems to relieve it for long and no matter what I eat it is there. Funny thing is in Louisiana I ate everything I wanted and had no problem. I come home go on my diet and wala in kicks the acid reflux. Judy I know what you mean about the diet. I gained 9 pounds on my trip. I have lost it all now but can't seem to lose any more. If I go off of it for one day I gain. I think when I do get in to see the doctor I will ask them to check my thyroid. Well Bud good luck with your travels in the snow. To those of you who are snowed in stay safe and I hope warm. Everyone have a great day.

Yes I did have a busy day of sorts. I just kind of played it by ear as they say. We had the coffee and donuts and a good visit then our meeting turned out to be more of a visit with a few neighbors and our manager. The rest of the day I just read and tried to play on the computer but I am ready to give up all of those games. Just can't get anywhere with them without it freezing. Anyway I spent the evening reading. I started to go to the movie but changed my mind. I hope to go tomorrow or Saturday. I want to see it's complicated or The lovely bones or Up in the air. Not sure if I will see all or one of them. Once again thanks for your Birthcay wishes

It is clear and cool here this morning with rain expected to move in again tomorrow sometime. I hate to see everyone getting slamed again with all of that snow. I love the snow but enough is enough! Yesterday I took Misty and had her groomed. She sure looks different. I had a talk with the groomer. I have been concerned because a couple of people have suggested I have her put down because she struggles sometimes to keep up with me. The thing is I know that most of the time she is slow because she does not want to go where I want her to. When she wants to go outside she acts like a puppy and runs down those stairs. Her back hips are weak and she has a problem sometimes keeping her balance on the grass. Her biggest problem is when she squats to poop she sometimes falls back setting down. Still the groomer (she works at the vets) said as long as she doesn't stop pooping or is doesn't get where she can't get up or is in pain that there is no reason to put her down. That was a relief to me. I dread ever having to make that decision. I remember Johnny telling me how he hoped he would never have to have her put down. Now the decision rests with me. I have been having a few health issues of my own. I am pretty sure that a lot of them are from the TMJ and then that makes me nervous and creates other problems. I have a appointment on the 22nd and hope all is better by then. I just have some strange symptoms. Started with a pain my breast and then the feeling of something stuck in my throat, then the belching and stomache problems started. Now I am really feeling the normal symptoms I have from the TMJ and am thinking that is my main problem. You can't imagine all of the things that can cause unless you have had to deal with it. Ann good luck with the surgery. Here in California they usually put a person who has that operation into a rehab hospital for a week or two. I guess if you have someone to take care of you at home 24 /7 they can go home. Rehab just makes it easier on the patient and the family. Have fun on your weekend Ann. I don't look forward to Valentines Day. As most of you know that is the day Johnny and I were supposed to get married. Well I have to run. It is coffee and donuts day then our town hall meeting. I have to go pick up the donuts and hope to get a little exercise in first. Had lunch out yesterday pre birthday because I knew today would be busy. Take care all and have a wonderful day.

Yes I am up early too. It rained most of the night and it still raining off and on. Temperature is in the 40s. No snow this low but the mountains and foot hills have plenty. I am still having a problem with GERD. It can really cause a lot of problems not the least of witch is anxiety. Still trying to catch up on some of my sewing projects and do some early Spring cleaning sense it is too wet to be out much. I am also reading. I am on my 4th book sense I got home. I have to really limit myself because I could just sit and read all day long. Still taking time for fitness and diet. Diet has been easy sense I don't feel like eating anything that will make my stomache problems worse. I have lost what I gained while on vacation and now have to start working on loosing some more. I guess I had better get off now and get dressed. Misty is wanting to go out.

HSappy Birthday Judy!!

I too am wishing everyone good scans and for those who need them . warmer temperatures. It is in the 40s and light showers here today. Sun is just starting to rise but the clouds block most of it. I am still having a problem with the GERD and a few other things. I am also still trying to catch up some things. It is hard after being gone for a month and a half. I am still wondering if a few people are upset with me about my preference for the Super Bowl. Not too many responses or anything else on facebook sense I cheered the Saints on. I still want them to win but it is just a football game, I am hoping friendship means more to everyone as it does to me. I still keep Marisa in my prayers and thoughts and of coarse Michelle who I know is having a rough time. I just have been pretty busy so if you don't hear from me it is because I am still trying to get my routine back and some things caught up. Have a great day everyone.

Good morning everyone. I see many of you are in the deep freeze so I won't complain about our little drizzle. I have spent the morning cleaning my file cabinet. I am not even half way through. I can't believe how much crud I have kept for so long. I know that I no longer need old check stubs or payment stubs from 5 or 6 years ago so they are going out. Problem is I got mad a while back when I got one too many credit cards aps so I ran them all through my shredder at one time and burned the motor up. So now I am tearing them by hand. I guess it will take the rest of the day off and on but it is something that I have been putting off for a long time. Now I am having a little worry. Years ago I pulled the big muscle that goes all the way around the middle of my body. It is easy to repull and I have done that a lot over the years. A few months ago I noticed that it is easier to pull and started feeling that pain on my left side often. Now it feels more like something out of place and I am getting a pain in the side of my left breast. Now this is under the arm and down about 8 inches for the side pain and in the left breast not breast bone or toward chest. Not sure what to think of it but I have put off going to the doctor. I guess I am a coward and afraid they might find something serious. If it continues I will probably change my appointment from the 22 nd to a nearer date. Anyway I wish you all warmer weather and a good weekend. Now back to my big job.

Clouds here with another chance of rain tonight. I don't mind it though. I am still trying to play catch up on everything. Just can't seem to get in gear. My acid reflux has been acting up pretty bad the last 3 days and that really throws me off. I hope you all have a good day. I will try to be here more often next week. This morning I have fitness class to lead and I still need to mop and vacum not to mention finish cleaning my file cabinet. Anyway I need to stay off of face book for a while. I get bogged down with the cafe that is always freezing and then never get anything done here at home. Good luck fishing Bud let me know how the new jig heads work,

Good morning Judy and everyone else. It looks like the rain may have stopped for a while. It has been raining pretty much the whole time sense I got home. Misty liked that she had a chance to be out for a few minutes instead of rushed back in. It is cool here in the 40s and going into the 50s later. I don't mind for some reason this cold doesn't bother me like it does in Louisiana nor does the heat. Hard to say it is the humidity when it is raining here so much. Anyway I am enjoying being home and being in control of the thermostat and having my window opened a little. Love that fresh air. I am slowly getting caught up with things. I guess it will take a while longer then I will try to be here and be more supporting of everyone. I posted a few pictures on facebook and there are more to come later. Today I start back on fitness. Boy do I need that. I gained 9 pounds on my trip, lack of exercise and all that food. Now I am dieting and getting back to my fitness. Just going up and down the stairs is a lot more exercise that I got while gone. To all who are waiting for test results you are in my prayers, so are all who are grieving or just past an aniversary date of your loved ones death. I know how hard that is. I also want to say happy birthday to all of those I missed. I hope I can be more on top of things now but my fitness and health come first. I am very uncomforable at this weight and have to work on it. Have a nice day everyone.

Yes I am finally home. I had a great trip but it is really true what they say about no place like home. It is raining and cool but that is alright too. I saw a lot of rain most of the way from Louisiana to here. I didn't mind too much either. I didn't get many good train pictures for Randy but later I will share what I did get. It got a little spooky going over the grapevine (a mountain pass betweel LA and Bakersfield it was raining and at the top of the pass it started to snow. Luckily we were ready to stand on the down side towards Bakersfield because just a few minutes later they closed the pass due to white out conditions. A lot of people were stranded up there or just had to stop before getting there. There was some excitement here while I was gone. There has been a lot of rain and wind. One day the wind was so strong it blew a crane over on the new bridge they are building across the Sacramento River. I don't think the bridge was damaged much but a sewer line was broken and spilled into the river. I understand the hiway was close there for 3 days. The also had to close the pass going up to Oregon because of snow and from Cottonwood (about 14 miles south of here) there was 26 miles of 18 wheelers parked on both sides of Interstate 5. I did my grocery shopping when I got home yesterday, mostly diet foods. I gained 9 pounds while I was gone It was so hard to lose the 20 pounds I had lost now I will have to really work on losing this again. Well it is time to run, I think I need a nap before the Saint's game. I was so tired I went to bed early last night but then woke up early this morning. Bud let me know how those new jig heads work.

Thank you Bruce. I had a note from her about a week and a half ago but nothing more because I have been in and out of touch while traveling. It is good to hear she is doing so well. I expect to hear from her as soon as she is able to talk on the phone again.

I forgot to say look out everyone cause the Saints are marching toward the superbowl. If they win next week and go on to the supperbowl and it being played the day of the first Sunday parades of Mardi Gras you won't believe the party they will have in all of Louisiana Hey Will if you are reading this I know you are cheering.

Bud i like fish but I have to say there is no better eating than crappie or perch. The specks are good but nothing can compare to the others. It is still a little cool and cloudy here today. I am at my son's for the day then back to my daughter's tonight. It looks like I will have my whole family to see me off on the train. They will wonder what is going on with all of us there, if the girl friends come with grandsons there should be nearly 20 of us. Oh yes Bud my son goes every March with some friends and spend the week at Toledo Bend fishing for Bass. Not sure how far you live from there. How is the bus doing? I will be racing it toward California.