lilyjohn

Nothing to offer but my tears. May Connie rest in peace she will truly be missed.

There is no easy way to grieve. My heart truly aches for you because I remember so well those first months when I was like a zombie. I could go to the store to buy a few things and leave with nothing in my basket because everything had no taste, because life had no taste. I lived on coffee for the first month with very little if any sleep. The bad memories haunted me day and night and the anger at everyone, even myself was the only thing that kept me going. I think the hardest part was the self doubts. Questioning myself about the things I did and didn't do and had said and not said. Like you the end came so fast and I was so afraid that there was no real goodbye and that tortured me. I won't lie to you. It took a very long time for me to even begin to function in an almost normal way. In my case the bitterness and anger were causing me to be someone that I not only didn't know but didn't like either. The one thing that you have to remember is that what you are feeling is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. In time the same memories that make you cry will make you laugh too. You will still cry but you will be so grateful for the time that you did have, for those good memories that will in time help dim the ones of the end. A few years ago one of our members made a statement that I have never forgotten because it is just so true. We can lose our parents and siblings and feel a terrible sense of loss but when we lose the one person who we share everything with it is a loss that no one else could possibly understand. To our spouse or soul mate/partner we are the most important person in the world. Our children have their spouses and children of their own. Our parents if they are alive have one another and our siblings. No one else can understand completely what it is like to be cast out into a hostile world alone when you have had someone to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with. Someone who knew you and who you knew from the inside out. I know that you have other things to keep you busy but you still have a need to share. You lost not only your soul mate but the person in your care. You were needed in so many ways and now you must feel so lost because that need is gone. One of our senior members put it best when she said that you have to start building a new life from the ground up. No one says it will be easy but it is doable and you will find that you are a much more understanding and compassionate person because you have been there and done that and so many others are facing those same dark days and need at least one person who can understand what they are going though. I don't know if this can help you. I know that nothing can take the pain and those images away right now but as I said before someday you will see the good side of those memories and be so very glad that you have everyone of them. even the bad ones. God Bless you may you find some peace soon.

I am up early so I thought that I would open the Air today. I was hoping to keep it light but, first thing when I checked out Facebook I saw Katie's post saying that Connie lost her battle this morning. So sad I woke up to the sound of rain this morning. They say this is our first real rain of the season. I was looking forward to some before I leave on my trip next week. Crazy how I can look forward to it here and dread it when in Louisiana. Just such a different kind of rain is the reason. The leaves have started to turn but not much color yet. Fall is a little late coming and I am leaving earlier so I guess I will miss the best of it. I am trying to catch up a little here and with some reading. I wasn't going to sew anymore for a while but my grandson has moved into an apartment so I am trying to finish a gingerbread house for him. I have 3 in my suitcase for the others who don't live at home. They are all finished. decorations and all. except putting them together. My big suitcase has more of my projects than clothes this year. In addition to the gingerbread houses I have a tissue topper I made for my daughter in law who loves dragon flies and a Christmas one for my cousin in Bakersfield and a big Wedding Album I made for the kid's wedding gift. Sure glad that they help with my luggage when I get on the bus and the train Well I guess I will try to catch up a few games on Facebook if it is not too slow with everyone else doing it this morning. I plan on doing some stairs and dancing some . I can't seem to lose the weight but I am making my legs a little stronger as long as my feet hold out. Maybe then I will be able to lose a few pounds. I know that I won't lose any while in Louisiana but sure hope I don't gain anymore. Have a good day and Judy I hope you are doing great today. Some issues have a tendency to solve themselves. Take care. Have a great day everyone else!!!

This is October, Breast Cancer Awareness month and believe me everyone knows it. I have no problem with that, I have two sisters in law who have had Breast Cancer. The problem is why can they dominate everything and when November comes they still do, you see or hear virtually nothing about lung cancer? A few years ago M&Ms introduced a program to give when you bought a bag of their candy that had a special pink one in it. Yogart tops bring donations to Breast Cancer. Every store has a program or collection cup of some kind. This morning I saw that the grocery up the street from me is printing their adds on pink paper this month. I saw on tv someone selling pink tshirts with the proceeds going to support Breast Cancer research. Our beautiful Sundial Bridge is being bathed in pink light for several nights. There are signs and banners everywhere you look and you can not turn on the tv or radio without hearing someone talk about the fund raising and awareness efforts. Why then can we not get even one of those things in November for Lung Cancer Awareness? Why is it that when there is something you hear of the only real program is stop smoking ? I really believe that is the main reason that people will not stand up for lung cancer awareness and support research. Having it attached to smoking all of the time has a large percent of the people believing that Lung Cancer is just a smokers disease. When you try to tell them different even good caring people think you are wrong. The sad thing is that they still don't get the real issue. Yes smoking has caused a lot of lung cancer but does that mean that people who smoked don't have the right to life? That people who smoked have less value as human beings and children of God? Why is it that we can't get people to listen? Why can't we find a way to make them see the whole story? We have had celebrities and well known people die from lung cancer for years . Their plight has been reported and people shake their heads at the shame of the loss but then turn their backs on trying to help. I really believe that the only solution is to get someone to search for and find other reasons for Lung Cancer and give them just as much publicity as smoking has gotten. I think that in November emphasis should be taken off of stop smoking campaigns and focus on making people aware that lung cancer is a HUMAN disease. Let's face it most of us who started smoking years ago have either quit , died or feel that it is too late to quit. Those campaigns do little. A full push for awareness to me is the most important thing that can be done. I just wish we could find a way to make some of the same things happen for lung cancer that has happened for Breast Cancer. Is it wrong to want this? Am I really reaching to think that someday people will see the truth but not in time to save so much misery and heartache? How can we get our message across? Fund raisers help but that old attitude doesn't change.

Every time I come on and see someone new who is just starting out on this journey of grief my heart almost stops. It takes me back and I am sure that will always happen. Living with the loss of anyone you love is a long and hard ride. In time it does get bearable but you never really get over it. We have all heard the platitudes like " He is in a better place" And "time will heal your heart" and "you have to move forward". If I tried hard enough I am sure that I could quote a hundred more. The truth is none of them help, none of them matter. You are in a place that you have to learn to cope with. I am not going to lie and tell you it will be easy or that you will "get over it" or that you need to "get on with your life". I am sure right now you feel that you have no life to get on with. Life pulled the rug out from under you. It takes time and work on your part to get your balance back so you can take those first tiny steps toward moving forward. My heart truly aches for you. I wish there was a magic pill that would get you past these first gut wrenching days but there is not. You have to go through them and grieve. Cry, scream and throw things. Do anything it takes for now and when the time comes you will know what to do that is best for you. As you have been told read the grieving section. There are I am sorry to say many of us who have been where you are and will offer a shoulder to cry on or a phone number when you really need one on one. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and I know also in so many others. You have come to the right place. As for the anger. I think we could all write a book about the anger at the lack of support and those who rob us of hope.

Good morning Judy. I went to bed at 9:30 and put CSI on the tv. Of coarse I fell asleep and woke up just as it was going off so missed how it turned out. Up this morning at 4:15. Stayed in bed for a half hour more but had to get up. My back bothers me until I get up and use the bathroom but have to sit up for a while first so I will have a sleepy day today. You know that attitude from doctors is what got me started on my quest to try and do something to help in some small way. Giving hope is as important if not more so than giving medication. I think that no amount of money will ever help find a cure until that attitude is changed. It is bad enough that other people act that way but when those in the medical field act and talk that way it is a crime in my mind. You hang in there both of you. Prove to them that they are not all knowing. Judy the cost of those medications is another of my pet peeves. They make those medications and charge many many times for them what it takes to make them. They will say it is because of the money spent on research but how much of that money came from grants? I feel as if they are double dipping. They get money from the government or companies or people donating for research then they turn around and charge the people or the insurance companies to cover the research. Don't even get me started on what the doctors charge when they do the least of the hands on work. As a caregiver I saw how the ones at the top of the chain make the most money and the further down the chain you go the more hands on work gets the least pay. I hope you get your grant in time to have most of the nasty side effects out of the way by the holidays. Well as every morning I am fighting my hands going to sleep. I tend to sleep with my hands under my head and of coarse the TMJ also causes that problem. Finish my coffee then off to take my neighbor to the store. May sound crazy to you but I am excited about the weather today. It is only going to be in the mid to low sixties with a light rain. The rain here I like, it is always a gentle rain not a quick violent wash out like you get in Florida and like Louisiana experiences. I sure hope that I don't see the 11 inches overnight like we did last year when I was there. Well have a great day everyone.

Please excuse my typing errors. I tend to get on a subject and my mind and fingers work so fast that they loose coordination.

Thank you Judy for your kind words. Eric I love your grit. Keep on fighting and don't let anyone rob you of hope. Without it what would you have? When I first started my quest to inform people about the importance of hope and what having that hope taken away can do I posted on several message boards before I found this. I had many letters but I had two that stand out in my mind the most. On man wrote me his story. He said after a few months of treatment his doctor told him to go home and get his affairs in order because he had 3 months to live. He told me that he went home got his affairs in order and decided that he was going to live. I never went back to that doctor nor had any more treatment. He had several other health issues that caused him some serious problems but as of the date of his letter he was still alive and doing well. The last line of his letter said but the way the day that doctor told me to go home and die was 6 years ago. The other was from a lady who was a Breast Cancer survivor. I had written a paper about how the attitude toward cancer need to change. She told me that she kept a copy of my letter and when ever she got scared she would take it out and read it. She wanted my permission to share it with her Breast Cancer Survivor group because she too understood the importance of Hope and Positive attitude. I have a copy of those letters stored on a disc somewhere along with many others. Sometimes when I feel that I am just spinning my wheels and not really making a difference I go back and read them and I know. I know only too well that no man has the knowledge nor the right to tell someone else when they will die. Only God has the knowledge and man has no right to dash hope or do anything to make their prognosis reality. Again thanks for reading and sharing.

It is rocking chair rocking. Believe me most of my neighbors are in their 80s so it will have to be the chair. Believe it or not some days I do end up twisting or dancing in some other way I need the exercise and still have the dream of someday getting back to my pre quit smoking days of weight. It just gets to me that I quit for my health and end up with all of this extra weight and health problems that I never had when I was smoking Oh well I am still glad that I quit. You know I guess I will always be a California girl. It just amazes me that we go months every year without rain and don't consider it a drought unless we have several years of very low rainfall or none. In Louisiana and Florida and some parts of Texas and other states can go a few weeks and it is a drought!!! I do understand though. I know how those heavy rains come and go. I always knew in Louisiana to never pray for rain because there it is either all or nothing

This time of year always makes me nostalgic. It brings a lot of both good and bad memories. I always find myself looking back but this time I am taking the time to note all of the changes not only in my life but in myself. Eight years ago at this time I was just a few days away from the start of my last month with my Johnny. I was afraid, desperate and tired. I had no one to turn to. No one to help lead me down a road that I hadn't counted on and sure didn't want to travel. I had lost my mom to Lung Cancer in 1985 so I knew what the outcome could be but I had watched Johnny and his determination start to heal him. He was so convinced that he could beat the cancer that for a while he really was. We lost the battle and my Johnny lost is life because of a careless remark by a nurse. How can you expect someone to stay focused on healing or fighting when someone takes away the one thing they need as much as love HOPE? That is what he did to Johnny and after that all I reached out to for help did the same. Because of that I lost not only the love of my life but my trust. Even after all of these years when I look back I know that that attitude and drugs took him away from me, not the Lung Cancer. We could fight that but there was no way and no one to help us fight that attitude. The lack of HOPE was the real killer. I struggled to survive both emotionally and with my finances. I worked at the one thing that meant the most to me, being a caregiver. The pay was small and the hours long. The emotional rollercoaster continued, maybe that wasn't the best for me at that time but when I look back now I know it was what I had to do. I know it was what God wanted of me. To care for others was the reason that I was given that so precious few months with my Johnny. I needed the love and pain to bring me to a point in my life where I could do things that would make me proud of who I am. Something to make me feel useful and not selfish. Something to make my Johnny proud of me up there in his Heavenly home. It was 10 months after his death that I found this web site. It was quite by accident. I was so angry at the way Johnny had been treated, so angry at everyone who should have been there to help him and wasn't. I came here because I wanted to tell his story. I wanted people to know that doctors and nurses do not always keep the patient's wishes and best interest. I wanted to condemn and I wanted to rage. I had met so many dead ends and still found no results and the anger and bitterness was turning me into someone I didn't know and someone I am sure my Johnny would never have recognized. Once here for a while I started reading. There were so many stories both tragic and painful to read. I started to feel selfish for my own pain and anger because I realized I was not as alone as I had thought. Very few of my first posts got any response but eventually people started to respond to me after I stopped raging so much. Last night I went back to my private messages starting from the first one. I read many of them and as I read letters from other people I began to see the changes in myself. I saw because so many others saw. One of my first responses was from Ann. She lost her Dennis just 2 weeks after I lost Johnny. We had many other things in common as well. We have never met face to face but I consider her one of my best friends. After a while I got a letter, a very frank letter from Dean Carl. He not only told me how turned off he had been by my first posts but how he admired the change in me. We began to correspond and became friends. Over the years so many others here have touched my life. Many are gone themselves, many others lost loved ones and have dropped off of the board or just come to say hi once in a while. I know that I don't come as often as I should. Time just seems to fly by now and I have so many projects that I never seem to have enough time for all of them. I am sorry to say that I have not given the kind of support here that I would like to. I don't know much about any of the new treatments, only what I read here and the ones that make the news once in a while. I guess you could say that my area of knowledge is grieving. That is why most of my time and attention is on the grieving section. I know grief and for some reason I seem able to reach many of the people who find themselves where I have been. I think that is because I have an ability to put those feelings into words and make people realize they are not alone. I do understand. So once again this is getting too long. I think my whole point is I want the people who are just starting to struggle with grief to know that they are not alone. I want them to know that in time when they are ready if they channel the energy they spend on anger and self doubts and guilt (things we all tend to feel) into doing something positive for others they will become stronger and more able to cope with every day life with out the one they have lost. I hope some of this makes sense. I hope that I don't just look like someone on a soapbox trying to push my own experiences at everyone. That is not my intention. My intention is to use the pain that I still live with to help others learn how to cope. To make people see that no matter how dark those days and nights are there is room for light in your lives still. Sometimes it just comes from using that pain to reach out to others. It isn't perfect but it gives back and sometimes that is enough. God Bless

Good morning. Our Judy seems to be AWL so I thought sense I have a morning of no rushing I would open the air today. I was really burned out last night and still a little slow this morning. I always tend to get carried away and volunteer for the majority of the cooking when we have an event then pay for it later For those who didn't see on Facebook I am a little excited about an event our Service Coordinator is working on. Sense most of the people where I live are either very old or have many health problems most could not participate in Relay for Life. My feet problems seem intent on keeping me from doing so. Because of that Karleen has gotten in touch with the American Cancer Society and trying to organize a Rock A Thon for us. Katie has suggested we do it for Lungevity and has offered to help organize. I am not sure if it can be switched now that things have been started but I am hoping to learn that any funds we raise can be designated for Lung Cancer research. I will let you know what I find out. I am really starting to get excited about my trip. I always enjoy it but before I leave I tend to be both excited and dread it a little too. It is always great to spend time with my family and sense I have such a small portion of the year with them the time seems to be more quality time. On the other hand after being away from home a month that last month is harder because I start missing my own things and my own routine. I am also used to having a lot of time alone. I would never want to not go but that feeling of being torn has been a part of my whole life for one reason or another. Just something I have to get through and be thankful that I am able to travel. Many are not. Oh well I may go for a short walk or do some kind of exercise. Our weather is finally starting to look and feel like Fall and I am so ready for it. Have a great day everyone.

I am not quite sure if I am posting this in the right place or not but thought it should be brought to the members of our group here. I wouldn't really call it Lung Cancer in the news. The soap opera "The Bold and the Beautiful" is featuring one of their lead characters as a stage 4 lung cancer patient. There is much to be said about the way they are handling the issue. First of all it may be a little misleading when they show her at first not wanting treatment then suddenly changing her mind and the doctor agrees to operate that day. They speak of brain mets and that they usually treat them first. The thing that is good about what they are doing is that not only are they bringing more attention to Lung Cancer but they are really pushing the issue of HOPE and Determination and what effect they can have on the outcome of a persons treatment. I think this is wonderful. It is about time someone address those issues. I just wish they would have given more publicity to the problems that bad attitude can and does cause. Still it is more than is usually addressed and there is still time so maybe they will show more of the real side of lung cancer and the people it effects.

Oh Judy I didn't mean for you to see that. If it is hard for caregivers I know it must be ten times harder for the patient, but I tell you now you will be with us for a very long time Who would help us keep in touch everyday without you? Hope is important and I hate it when people try to rob you of that. It makes it so much harder to be optimistic and they have no right to do that It makes me angry.

Eric I have traced my ancestry back to the early years on my mother's mother's side. Most of them date back to the Mayflower and other early ships to the New Country. My grandfather's side I have only traced back a few generations. His family name and of coarse my mom's was McDonald. I keep digging and hope someday to get further. My grandfather was John William David McDonald ad his dad was Francis McDonald and his was George and before him Tillman and that is where everything comes to a dead end. I hope one day that someone will see my research and have more to add. All of it really interests me sense I am such a History Buff.

This is from Houmatoday.com Houma Louisiana. Such good people my heart truly goes out to them. Earl was so fun loving and that is how I will always remember him. Earl Trahan Published: Tuesday, October 19, 2010 at 8:32 a.m. Last Modified: Tuesday, October 19, 2010 at 10:23 a.m. Earl Joseph Trahan, 70, a native and resident of Houma, died at 1 a.m. Monday, Oct. 18, 2010. Visitation will be from 6 to 10 p.m. Wednesday at Falgout Funeral Home Chapel and from 9 a.m. to funeral time Thursday at Holy Rosary Catholic Church. Mass will be held at 11 a.m. Thursday at the church, with burial in St. Francis de Sales Cemetery No. II. He is survived by his wife, Ida Marie Breaux Trahan; two daughters, Sandra and husband, Gary Robichaux, and Gwen and husband, Tommy LeBouef; three grandchildren, Nicholas and Corey Robichaux, and Ashley Ferrington; two great-grandchildren, Jolie Dugas and Olivia Ferrington; and one sister, Bernice Montano. He was preceded in death by his father, Freddie Trahan; his mother, Adele Babin Trahan Bergeron and stepfather, Elmore Bergeron; three brothers, Enoes, Freddie Jr. and Gilbert Trahan; and one sister, Edith Hebert. He was a parishioner of Holy Rosary Catholic Church. Falgout Funeral Home is in charge of arrangements.

Judy I hope that you have a great day today. Please get some rest too. I know how tiring and stressful shopping can be. I took the time this morning to read a few of the newer posts. I'm afraid that I am very far behind but so much of my time is taken up each week with activities around here and the things I can't seem to stop volunteering for I keep saying no more but, oh well I guess that is just the way I am, always got to be busy! Eric I was looking at your pictures for the first time. I think some were different than I expected. Being of Scottish decent it was interesting to see them. I didn't expect a big city and I know that is silly. I guess I tend to think of Scotland as all castles and water just like I think of Ireland as all farms and meadows. Silly I know but that is how I have always thought of them. Nice to see the real Scotland in your pictures. I am hoping that Becky has some pictures when she comes back. I am so happy for her. She brings so much to this board and has been a good online "friend" for quite a while now. Well with less than 2 weeks before I leave I have been trying to wind everything down. Today I meet one of my neighbors from French Gulch where I used to live for lunch then this afternoon I will start some of the preping for tomorrows Mexican dinner. I hope everyone has a great day. Thank you all for your prayers for my friends. I know how much they need them at this time. Oh I almost forgot to say Bud those are neat pictures of you on your bike and at the hall getting ready. First time I have really seen a picture of you without your helmet hiding your face. Louisiana raised theirs several years ago in response to Mississippi raising theirs. I know it is almost impossible for me to pay that even for a one day trip so not sure if I will get to go. You would think that they would want to make it a little easier at least for seniors but it just doesn't work that way.

Nova I just had to reply to what you said about family. I know exactly what you are talking about. Not long after Johnny died the American Cancer Society suggested that I try out a new online berivement group for people who had lost a partner to cancer. I joined but it only lasted for 3 months. Not nearly long enough but I learned something. People who loose a spouse or partner or parent or sibling to Cancer of any kind seem to have much longer lasting problems, those of us who loose someone to Lung Cancer for some reason are in a group of our own. We tend to have unique problems that take us much longer to stop reliving the trauma of our loved ones death. I am not sure why this happens but I have not only experienced it myself but I have seen it happen over and over on this board and with others that I have known personally who have lost someone to lung cancer. I am pretty sure that the stigma of smokers has a lot to do with it. We are separated from others in our grief because they still have that old "well he smoked what did you expect?" idea. We also watch our loved ones suffer many things that people with other diseases don't and even those with other kinds of cancer don't. Often just the side effects of the medication and the anxiety of knowing that everyone expects the person with lung cancer to die some day in the not too distant future. I am thinking that maybe it is that lack of hope that is instilled in us and the fear that sets us apart. We live with that day and night for months or even years. No one who hasn't been there will ever understand. even close family members. I hope what I am saying makes sense to you. That is why this board and this "family" are so important to me and so many others. We "get it". We have been there and done that and we don't judge your grief because many of us are still in the same place you are. Oh maybe the tears don't come as often now. Maybe we have learned to function in a world without the person we have lost but lung cancer has put a scar on our hearts and spirits that will never really go away. I can stay away from here for months then suddenly I need to be here again. Sometimes it is because that old fear and feeling of being alone and not understood comes back. Sometimes it is a date looming in the near future that I know I will need some understanding just to get through. Sometimes it is just the need to give someone else the support that I didn't find until nearly a year after Johnny died. So please don't be a stranger and don't judge your family too harshly. You are in a place that no one else could possibly understand unless they have been there. God Bless you and bring you happy memories and maybe a good dream visit to warm your heart.

My friend Earl has passed. I am not sure of all of the details yet but last night when his daughter posted on Facebook I knew that the end was near. Please say a prayer for him and his family. I haven't seen him in years but his daughters and I keep in touch and his wife and I were very close at one time. I am hoping to see her while in Louisiana, I was just hoping that it wouldn't be under these circumstances. Again thanks for your prayers for them. I will post more when I know. I am hoping to get his family to join us here but that may take a while.

I don't see any updates here about Marisa so I will post what I know. I send an email to her and she replied day before yesterday. She says she is weaker and thinner but over all doing much better that she expected to be. She actually didn't expect to live this long. She is glad that she had the brain tumor removed and and also that she chose the road less traveled. Right now she is living and enjoying all of the time she has. Like Dean Carl she has become a dear friend and an inspiration. Please continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers that her quality of life stays as good as it is now.

I am very sorry for you loss Susan and I must say what a beautiful tribute to your mom. God bless and help you find peace.

Good morning everyone. Just dropping by for a quick hello. Sounds like for once we are all enjoying great weather. Bud I do envy you those fish. I will be in Louisiana soon and sure hope that I get in at least one fishing trip if I can afford the out of state license I have to run and buy the groceries I need for our Mexican meal on Wednesday. I didn't go yesterday because my headache came back (more in the muscle up my neck into the back of my head). Two weeks from today starts my first leg of my vacation. I am looking forward to it but also dread being away from my home for so long. Still family is waiting and I can't wait to see them. Still waiting for word about Earl. The last post his daughter Sandra posted last night said that it was very near the end. He was resting comfortable and in no pain. My heart goes out to all of them. Becky I am so happy for you. I hope you have a great honeymoon and even greater marriage. Judy I will be praying that your scans come back good and that you will have a wonderful week. I will try to stop in more often but for now I have to run.

Oh and yes I do remember you quite well. Time? I read somewhere that time is a man made thing, not a God made thing. When it comes to grieving time is really not as important as most people tend to think. I actually think the second year after I lost Johnny was almost harder than the first because for the first year I had the anger and guilt for company. I also had the feeling that it wasn't real an I would wake up and find it all a nightmare. After that first year passed I had to admit that my nightmare was reality. I spent most of my second year alone. I had moved up to the little town of French Gulch not far from here. Small town and so much of the beauty that God created helped me to start to know first my God and then Myself. I had spent all of my life being someones daughter, wife, mother, grandmother and with Johnny lover and soul mate. I had never taken time to know me. I stayed away from tv and I wrote and walked and meditated and I came here when it got too rough and poured my heart out. At first it was always for support that I came here. I'm sure at times I was a real pain in the butt. There was always someone here to "listen" and always someone who understood. I have learned much in this past 8 years about grieving and about living. I have taken what I learned and try to use it to help others who may be going through the same thing I did. I find that when there is someone who is in that same place that I was and still often find myself that when I share my experience with them it helps us both. So often the pain comes from not only our loss but feeling like no one really understands. Yes everyone is different but there are so many things that we all have in common and sharing those helps us feel not so alone or as if there is something wrong with us. I have been fortunate enough(at least I have been told) to have the ability to put many of those feelings into words. By doing that I not only help my friends but myself as well. It will be 8 years on December 2nd sense Lung Cancer took my Johnny and it will be 5 years on February 23rd sense a massive heart attack took my ex husband. I still grieve for both of them but not with equal intensity. My grief for my ex is for the few really good times and for the pain his death has caused my family. My grief for Johnny is for myself and him and all of the lost years. I can cry at one word but I can also laugh at many of the same memories that make me cry. Time? I can't say much about time but I can say that it is as much a learning process as it is time. We learn to live with that empty spot. We learn that the pain has become so much a part of us that we would miss it if it were gone. We learn that it is alright to laugh again and we learn that it is alright to still cry at times. We learn that life goes on but accept the fact that life will never be the same but it can still be good if we let it. Most of all we learn that our loved ones are not really gone. They live inside of us and give us the love and strength to go on and live a life different but rewarding in it's own way. Oh I am so hard to stop once I get started. I don't mean to go on and on but that is just my nature. I hope that in the days and weeks to come you can find some of the peace that you seek. It doesn't come easy but it will come and when you find those moments grab hold and make the most of them and one day you will find that they come more often. God bless and feel free to get in touch with me any time if you think I can help in any way.

Michelle you know that my heart is with you. I see your pain and my heart breaks for you. Please believe me when I say that in time it will get easier. At first it will be just one day at a time then as time passes it will be longer. Just remember it is alright to grieve. Don't try to stop it because all you do is delay it and in the long run it will be much worse. Cry and talk to him everyday if you need to. His love is still with you. Give it time and that love with help you through. It will sustain you. Take care my friend and remember I am always just a phone call away.

I want to send you my deepest sympathy. I know how hard it is to lose your mom. My mom was gone 25 years on the 12 of this month. I still miss her everyday. You were so fortunate to have the time with her that you did. It is hard to watch someone you love go but from what you have written you are at peace with the way she let go. Be thankful for that. My prayers are with you and all of your family.

You are so right Barb. Life and death are both full of mysteries Love is something that never ends and I know that what we feel or sense is that love reaching from one life to another. There is no need to question it, just be thankful that we can feel the love of someone who is gone. Bless you and may the days pass in peace and may you have more dreams and visits to sustain you.