niececola

Hi, I was thinking that it might be a good idea for my mom to speak with someone who truly understands what she is going through. I mentioned this idea to her and she said it sounded like a good one, so I was wondering if there would be anyone here who can help us out. She is in a tough place right now, has decided to do Iressa for now, but is really struggling coming to terms with what is happening to her. It would be so ideal for her to hear some encouraging words from the survivors here who wake up each day and just try to make it the best day possible. I would GLADLY send along a phone card to cover the costs of the calls. Please PM me if you are interested. Thank you, Denise

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to add words of encouragement and advice. I was home all weekend, a very tough one. Many conversations with extended family about "the end", the funeral, etc. Tough things to talk about. I think what is happening right now is my Mom is severely depressed. The realization hit her this week that she is not going to get a cure for this disease. She believed all along that she could beat this. So, I think she is dealing with issues that a lot of people dealt with when they were first diagnosed and it will take a while to get comfortable with this idea. She is supposed to go home this week and has said to many people she is not going home to die, she is going to do things that she enjoys and I have spent a lot of time focusing on this, to get her mind off the cancer. But she has refused to get out of bed, refused the PT, etc. Not really sure how to help her. So, that is the update for now. Her best friend comes in this weekend and her sister returns from vacation, so maybe that will help. Maybe being home will help, she misses Clover and her garden. Thank you all for your continued support, it means the world to me. Denise

Thanks Jane, I needed to hear that. Sometimes a situation keeps presenting it self over and over again, always seeming slightly different than the time before. The bottom line is I have to accept how my mom chooses to live her days here on earth. I think the thing that is upsetting and hard for me to get my head around is that she thinks the end is near, so why bother? But what if it is not near? What if she could do things to make herself feel better? Either way, it is her choice. I just hate to see her afraid and scared. Denise

Hi, I have probably asked this question in one way or another over the past few months, so forgive me if I am becoming a nag. My mom has been in the hospital now for 3 weeks. All this stemming from her pain in the sternum. She has received radiation and that area is feeling better. Her breathing has caused her some trouble, her pleural effusion is still small, so I guess the breathing is labored b/c of the disease? She is eating again, stopped for a couple of days. Her anxiety and depression have hit all time highs, and no one can seem to help her. She is on meds and is talking with someone. I think she has just given up at this point. Or maybe the cancer is taking over and she is too tired to fight. Or maybe she can't get any rest in the hospital and needs to be home. I don't know. But I feel I am right back in the same place I was weeks ago when I was getting upset that she was not eating. If she chooses to not fight this, what can I do? I know that she feels like what is the point. But there is a point, isn't there? She is still here, she is not dead yet. Maybe I am being too hard on her. Her scans are pretty much the same as last year, but does that really mean anything? Maybe this is just more of a rambling post, but any advice would be greatly appreciated. She has started Iressa, I know the odds are not great that it will work, but I am praying that it does. Thank you, Denise

Hi Geoff, Glad to hear this great news! Denise

Hi Katie, Welcome to our group! Shelley is a wonderful person and we all love her. Glad you have joined our family. Denise

Hi Shelley, Tons of prayers being said right now! Denise

Hi Berisa, I cannot speak for all of Scotland, but I did live in the UK for 2 years and did hear my fair share of swearing around the office, but still not sure if they relates to the culture in the UK or the type of office I worked in. I still think it is inappropriate as well, but just wanted to share my spin on things. Maybe some of our UK friends can shed some light on their Scottish neighbor. Denise

Prayers coming!

Thanks Deb for starting this thread! I have often wondered how people came up with their usernames... the "niece" part is from Denise, my dad calls me niece (my mom calls me Chick, not sure why, but I love it!) the "cola" part comes from my last name, which also happens to be the name of a toilet bowl! My friend Kirsten from London pronounces my last name "cola" and when I opened my first Yahoo e-mail account, she helped me come up with the last part of my username, and now I use niececola everywhere....

I am so sorry for your loss.

I second Jamie's request! Let's see a photo!

Have fun! And I am very jealous too! When are the New Yorkers going to plan our party? Denise

Welcome back Dean! Glad the break was only for the weekend. Denise

7/12/04 - My mom is still in the hospital, starting radiation for the pain near her sternum. A wonderful doc on Saturday decided to tell my mom she has 6 months to live. I am beyond livid, as is her onc. She has now suffered with hourly panic attacks and can't get the 6 month number out of her head. I do realize that my mom was sheltering herself from the brutal realities of LC, but no doc should be playing God and handing out timelines. I am composing myself today and will be calling the stupid doc later today and explaining the fine art of diplomacy.

Hi Jamie! Very happy to hear this great news! Denise

Thank you Karen, I needed to hear that! Denise

Dear Ginny, My thoughts and prayers are with you and Earl. I am so sorry for all you and Earl have gone through. Love, Denise

Andrea, Last time I checked, I didn't think you needed to tell us where you were off to, right? Have fun this weekend! Love, your sis, Denise

To Fay and all the other dear friends, Fay, there is no need to be sorry, not at all. I am happy I have a place to go to, where people understand what I am feeling. It is hard sometimes when people read into the posts, but that is just part of the process. We all bring our experiences to this board. I really would like to clarify for everyone here that if my mom were to forgo chemo, she would have my backing 100%. I would never want any of our friends here who are on "the path less traveled" to think that I do not support or respect them and all they have offered this site. I do not know why that would be easier to accept, my mom deciding not to do chemo, rather than her not eating. I guess in my mind, I just want her to choose the life that is best for her and it is hard to understand some of her choices, but I very quickly understand that is just it; they are her choices and hers alone. I am very thankful you have all shared your thoughts with me; somehow, it just makes it easier to know that others have gone through the same thing before me. I have always wanted to make my mom's life better and to help her, I just have to realize and I thank God that I have now rather than later, that I can help her in so many other ways, rather than forcing her to be someone she is not or to do something she does not feel comfortable with. I was paralyzed with fear last night driving back to the city that this would be it and our last night together would be such a terrible one. I thank God today is here and so is my mom and I plan on being as supportive as I can to her and my family. I did get some good news this morning, she ate some oatmeal for breakfast! And the nurse said she was about to give her a banana. Praying for us all, Denise x

Please allow me to ramble here, because frankly, I think that is all I am capable of doing right now. Suffice it to say that my visit last night with my mom did not go as well as I would have hoped. I guess the somewhat good news is that her onc still believes the pain in her chest is due to trauma, so they are considering radiation. That is about the only good news that we got. When I asked him about her chemo on Friday he said, "Well sure, I guess, we are not even sure it is working, but sure." Well, it did not dawn on me then, but later I was livid. This is the same onc who 2 weeks ago recommended staying on this chemo, if he does not believe in it; he never should have made that recommendation. I am beyond pissed right now. He should have recommended another course of action. But that is not my biggest problem right now... My mom has basically given up her will to live. I just know she has. All hope I have is completely gone. She cannot or will not eat. When I asked her what she is feeling with regards to food, she just yelled at me. In all fairness to her, I am the child in the family that is going to be a pain in the butt, and rarely let up, although I have tried very hard to. On the flip side, my mother has said she needs encouragement, so it is a very fine line between support and nagging and whatever I have done, my mom just associates me with being the nag. At this point, it really does not matter how we got there or what I can do to change it, it is pretty bad when your mom attempts to eat lunch, cannot, and then starts crying when she realizes that Denise will be mad at her b/c she did not eat. And I wasn't even there at lunch, so suffice it to say, I am keeping my mouth shut b/c there is no way I am going to spend my mother's last days with her, nagging her to eat and her resenting me. As some of you may remember, my mom has a lot of general anxiety in her life, on top of everything else, so getting her out of bed to walk around is a struggle. She is afraid that her legs will be weak and she will fall. So, with fear of sharing my true feelings with you all, I am angry. I am angry that my mom is giving up, and not pushing herself. We have struggled with her fear of one thing or another my whole life and I do not know how to help her. She knows she needs to eat and get out of bed, but she will not do it. And I see that as a major step of fighting this damn disease. And I am tormented by the fact that she is afraid and for once in her life, I wish she were not. She could die tomorrow, but if she were not afraid, it would make her passing that much easier to accept. I am not sure you can really understand what I am saying or how I am feeling; all of our stories are so different. Sure, I am mad that she has cancer and I pray for a miracle everyday. But to watch the one you love more than anything in your life struggle her whole life just to make it through a day and then to be struck down with this damn disease, the heartbreak is truly unbearable. Sure, I want her to fight this disease the way I think I would (but how the heck would I know what it is like), but more than that, I just do not want her to be afraid and she is and my heart is breaking today. So, it is a new day, she is still here, and I am praying she feels better. She is out of her mind right now, not making any sense; the onc thinks it is the drugs. Maybe. Or brain mets, but we are not rushing to that judgment just yet. All I know is that she barely spoke to me last night and when we did, we fought over her eating and there is no way that can happen again. Thanks for reading this and letting me get this off my chest. Denise

Great News Sandy!

Darn it Dave! I know you will beat this beast again! Blessings, Denise

Dear Shelly, I am quite certain that no one wants you to leave this board. We are a family here and if you left, we would be worrying about you and your family, just like we would anyone else. So, put that idea out of your mind. I imagine there are many message boards out there for breast cancer survivors and their caregivers that would provide a lot of valuable information to you and your sister, but don't forget to come here for the emotional support that you need and that all of us want to give you. Hang in there and please try to remain positive, although I know how hard that can be. And as for the prayers, I know how it feels to feel betrayed and alone, please know that you are not. But while you can not pray, there are plenty being said for you and your sister right now by all of us. Denise

Hi Dave, Prayers coming! Hope you get the pain under control very soon. Denise